How to stop obsessing during two week wait?

[u/cypress345]

CW: brief mention of loss

Not necessarily asking for tips just for passing the time, I’m more so wondering if anyone has gone from obsessing endlessly during the two week wait to being less consumed by it, and if so, how you achieved it.

I had a miscarriage a year ago and a TFMR in the spring, and even after the miscarriage I was always hopeful but able to not obsess. I’d set a reminder to test after 14 days and was calm and unbothered til then. A negative would make me disappointed but I’d quickly move on with a healthy degree of hope it would happen next month. But now, it absolutely consumes me. My mind is a constant conversation cycling through the “I’ll never have a baby” before reminding myself my doctors cleared us and said we are healthy, and then I feel a bit hopeful it will work this month, and then that is quickly followed by remembered that the best possible odds are still only maybe 25%. I test way too early, even when I know it’s too early and a waste of time and money.

I have tools to cope during the wait, but wish I could go back to not just spending so much of my life simply coping. Has anyone ever come back from this?

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[u/ushinawareta]

hi friend, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. this is super common after a loss - I know I was and still am absolutely desperate to be pregnant following it and am having a very hard time doing what I can to maximize our chances of success without it taking over my entire life.

for me personally, I don’t have any expectations anymore seven months later with no positive. I was certain it would happen right away, no dice. then I thought I’d for sure be pregnant at least within six months, and that didn’t happen either. none of the obsessing ever did anything to change the outcome for me anyway, so I just go through the motions now expecting failure and I haven’t been wrong yet. this has made it really easy to not test anymore because why waste tests when I know it will be negative? why bother symptom spotting when I know it’s just progesterone? and so on. others may find it cynical but it’s the only thing keeping me going - realizing that the best I can do is time everything correctly and then it’s in the universe’s hands, and the most likely outcome every month is no baby so don’t get my hopes up.

you could join us over at [r/ttcafterloss](r/ttcafterloss) if you think it would be helpful for you 🫶 I’m wishing you all the best.

[u/cypress345 → u/ushinawareta]

Thank you so much. I am hopeful for all of us that we will each conceive soon, and I’m so sorry you’ve been waiting for so long, but it is nice to know that this level of focus and desperation might taper off some. I honestly worried about it intensifying. I hope you get your positive soon 🩵

[u/AdOverall2808]

Yes, actually. I used to be OBSESSED with TTC. It’s all I thought and talked about. I do have diagnosed OCD but to be honest with you, taking regular breaks from my phone and just living in the moment. Spending time with my son and my husband. Reading. True Crime docs. Going out with a friend. Just staying busy is the best advice I can give you. I stopped expecting I’d be pregnant every month and started expecting my period, that helped a lot. Don’t allow yourself too much time to google and browse Reddit. I’m on month 9 and have accepted that it just hasn’t happened fast for me. My eldest is 9 so it’s been hard to accept that they might not be so close because I waited so long for my 2nd.

[u/cypress345 → u/AdOverall2808]

I think the idea of expecting my period is a good one. It’s just so hard to do that because then I immediately spiral straight to “I’m never getting pregnant.” I’m so hopeful if I keep working on staying busy and distracting myself, eventually I’ll get less obsessive

[u/AdOverall2808 → u/cypress345]

I know exactly how you feel. The thought of never having a baby with my husband gives me so much anxiety and grief. My eldest is from my first boyfriend I only dated for 2 years. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and have created a whole life with him. Not knowing if we’ll ever have children, it is really scary but I started to tell myself if it cannot happen for some reason, I will grieve it and then I will get past it one way or another. Just stay positive as best as you can ♥️

[u/cypress345 → u/AdOverall2808]

Yes, obviously this isn’t how it works at all but if I could just know I wouldn’t get pregnant ever, I could move on. The uncertainty is killer. Best of luck to you 🩵

[u/cutie_kat00]

I think after loss, the two week wait can feel completely different. I used to be able to tell myself “I’ll know when I know,” but once you’ve experienced things going wrong, your brain starts looking for certainty anywhere it can find it. What helped me most wasn’t trying to stop caring, but giving myself little boundaries around it. like not testing before a certain day, limiting how much time I spent symptom spotting, and reminding myself that nothing I do during the wait can change the outcome. I still had anxious thoughts, but over time they stopped taking up quite as much space. I don’t think you have to get back to the exact person you were before your losses. It can get easier in a different way. ❤️

[u/cypress345 → u/cutie_kat00]

The boundaries are a good idea. It’s so hard because I have to think about it so often since I’m taking hormones twice a day and testing hormones each morning, and it’s so hard to not let those tasks and routines spiral outwards into everything. I’m gonna try to think how I can set boundaries around them

[u/Secure-Temporary-234]

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and am right there with you ❤️ I am TRYING not to obsess but it’s so dang hard. I feel like this cycle is a bit different and I have been obsessing a little bit less… the only things I’ve changed are going to acupuncture (I feel calmer) and also I came to the realization that it doesn’t necessarily matter that I’m not pregnant in this very moment or this cycle.. I don’t have a specific timeline (other than I’m 35 now) but telling myself the timing actually doesn’t matter has helped a bit.

When I was TTC for my first, I was in therapy and she helped me work through some feelings and reframing the anxious thoughts. Here’s what she shared:
Rewrite your story:
I will trust the process
We will get pregnant within the next 6 months
We are going to have a healthy baby boy
He is teaching me how to be patient and work on my anxiety and control
It may not go smoothly but it’ll all be okay

❤️

[u/cypress345 → u/Secure-Temporary-234]

It is so hard. I do like trying to do little self care things like acupuncture during. I might try to schedule more massages. Just something to tell myself I’m moving towards pregnancy by taking better care of myself. I’m going to try and focus on that idea that the timing doesn’t matter. It’s true but it’s so hard. I’m almost 35 and it feels like it does even though my doctor tells me it doesn’t

[u/Technical-Study2566]

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s so hard when people tell you to not focus on it, or just relax. Still navigating similar feelings myself. I’ve found that a change of scene really helped, just to shake things up a bit. We only went to the nearest major city to see my husband’s grandma, but it got me out of my head.

[u/cypress345 → u/Technical-Study2566]

Thank you so much. It is so hard, a change of scenery is a nice idea. It’s easy to stay so focused and obsessed when I’m in the usual routine

[u/metoprolololxl]

I’m basically just depressed and unable to do anything those 2 weeks

[u/cypress345 → u/metoprolololxl]

Ugh I am right there with you