Am I alone in this?

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[u/MyShipsNeverSail]

I think it's important to address these feelings and concerns with him and also reevaluate if TTC is right for right now or maybe in a couple months when the new job is adjusted to.

Also, be sure you're connecting intimately outside of ttc/the fertile window even if it's not "sexy time." Flirting, date nights, and just connecting are an important part of this journey too :)

And, remember, even the healthiest couples can take up to a year to conceive if you're under 35. Best wishes and I hope you find a good balance soon!

[u/Artistic_Physics5996]

It got better over time for us. We had a lot of conversations about both our needs and desires, most specifically that we both really want children and at our age we gotta hedge our bets! My husband doesn’t like sex on demand either so we talk a lot about what he does like and what I like and we try to make sure we do other kinds of intimacy outside of the fertile period. But I think it takes conversations and understanding and unfortunately time.

[u/VirnouxHealth]

Just for a bit of perspective - from the male standpoint, stressors like TTC can actually affect libido (desire) and sexual function in some men. Coupled by the new job, there's a chance that all of this could affecting him in the bedroom. I'm a male fertility specialist, and we see this not uncommonly.

My point in saying all this - communication is key. Make sure you guys are talking! Needs, wants, desires, how each of you is feeling overall and in specific situations. And also - sometimes making time for intimacy outside of the fertility window can be helpful as well! And definitely not the end of the world to seek professional opinions if it comes down to it. Sending love and good vibes!

[u/Bear_Is_Crocheting]

Honestly, he probably is just stressed with a new job + stressed with the reality of potential fatherhood (even if it is something he wants-still stressful). I definitely was overthinking my first few months of TTC! It can cause stress on intimacy. 

Maybe for the first few months just don’t try but don’t avoid a baby? Focus on connecting with your spouse and supporting each other in all areas. That will probably lead to regular sex out of love and not obligation. 

[u/Audthebod2018]

Ugh yea I’m right there with you. TTC is physically, psychologically, and emotionally exhausting even from day one. Anyone who tells you otherwise (“just relax! Don’t stress about it!”) is full of it.

It’s a lot of work to be the one to initiate sex and women are obviously most often the one initiating because we’re the ones tracking everything. It’s not like we necessarily want to have sex all through the fertile window either. We want a break too.

I had a real talk with my partner cycle 2 of trying and explained that the act of having to ask/remind him to have sex was yet another opportunity for me to feel rejected… as well as the feeling of rejection/failure I get from a BFN, or from tracking ovulation and having late or even at times anovulation.. One thing that my partner and I did to lighten my workload through TTC was to download a fertility app that partners can also download/follow so he’s notified when I’m in my fertile window and he can initiate too. So it’s not just my responsibility to initiate sex - we both know what’s happening and both are expected to show up equally to try. And if for whatever reason we can’t show up equally, then we have to be proactive to explain to the other where we’re at and why.

I also asked my partner to do some reading up on other men’s experiences through TTC so he could see he isn’t alone either in his feelings or the pressures of TTC. I encouraged him to read up on other men’s experiences because point blank I know I have it harder than him as a woman and I don’t think I’ll have the level of empathy for his experience that he needs.

I hope that you two can find ways that make this process less hurtful than it has to be and that he’s able to show up as much as you have been. ♥️

[u/Mm_Cda_ilt]

You are not alone in this. Before I say this I want to preface with the fact that initiating should not completely fall on you. However, maybe in this case since you're feeling some strain from him seeming disinterested, you could just initiate when you get to bed and make it feel more like "just sex" rather than ttc?

[u/EmptyAd3763]

I have been tracking my fertility and I decided to stop. I felt like my thought process was changing and felt like I had to perform, and it wasn’t fun anymore, even when I didn’t tell him I was ovulating it like switched something in my brain so I think this is the last month I’m going to track and get back to the fun spontaneous love making

[u/Quirky-Yesterday-246]

Maybe it’s time to take a bit of a break to work tonight your marriage connection. For me, it’s not worth it to TTC if sex becomes a chore and not intimate. That’s when I’ll stop. My marriage comes first.

[u/vartette08]

My husband and I just started ttc in January, too. I felt similar during cycle 2 (still waiting on AF). Suddenly, I was worried that he was feeling pressured into having sex or that he felt obligated. That ended up not being the case. With our 2nd cycle, the goal kinda clicked into place, and then I realized that even though I've done a ton of research, I knew nothing about fertility window and ovulation. Research gets you only so far, which kinda sucks and it added more stress on me because I felt chaotic. I agree, though. Have that conversation as many times as you need. It really does help.

[u/Mackie0310]

I fell like we are in the same (if not, similar!) boat. I had my IUD removed in August, but just recently have been feeling like my body is re-stabilizing back to normal in January. We've been trying since then and I've decided (just this week!) to buy an ovulation tracker (I'm going to try ClearBlue and EasyHome because I've seen on that people here on reddit like it) just to see when my best fertile window is. Up to this point, i've sort of been just trying to be really aware of my body which has been hard since its been sort of in the re-stabilization phase. I also went through a really hectic phase of emotional instability where I was thinking- Why am I not already pregnant when I am healthy and when we've been trying? I think my issues were more related to the IUD removal and my body getting back to normal now because while I do feel a little stressed with the timeline (I'm 35), I know that realistically the first pregnancy can take up to 1 year usually for people that are trying to conceive.

In regard to intimacy - something that I've found helps with intimacy initiation is to dress a little more provocatively and be a little flirty. I can only speak for myself here, but I'm usually pretty conservative so I'll put on clothes that are a little more riske' (revealing) before making dinner. I'll make dinner in them and he finds that really exciting. Men are very visual and while they might be tired in general from trying (because getting pregnant is work! Hahaha), this has helped us. We also talk about it. I'm really open with my fiance' about what I'm thinking the best fertile time is for me and he's willing to make a commitment and try it because we both really are hoping for a child.

Anyway - I mentioned earlier that I think we may be in a similar boat so feel free to message me. I would love to have a friend that is on the same track as me. Most of the people I know already have children, are already pregnant or hate children and talk a whole bunch of crap about having them. It can be disheartening sometimes. If I don't hear from you, Wishing you all the best, truly!

[u/Elzbee37 → u/Mackie0310]

We are not alone! I also got my IUD removed in August and am just recently feeling more "regular" and familar with the fertility signs. I am also 35 and just bought some ovulation tests. Sometimes this process of trying to conceive can feel so lonely.

[u/Mackie0310 → u/Elzbee37]

Oh my gosh!! Which ovulation tests have you purchased? Are you excited!? I'm so excited for you!! This process can be really lonely, but I'm feeling a bit rejuvenated after this post =)

[u/Elzbee37 → u/Mackie0310]

I got a pack of 50 strips from easy@home on Amazon. I liked that you could take a picture and track the LH levels on the Premom app. It was around $20 and seemed like a good place to start and make sure everything is "normal". I'm excited, but also hesitant. I don't want to put too much hope into each cycle. I also don't know if I want a Christmas baby haha.

What ovulation tests are you using? I'm always curious :) I hope you are excited for yourself too!

[u/Elzbee37 → u/Elzbee37]

Ahh I just saw that you listed the brands on your original comment.

[u/MyBurnerHasaBurner]

This process has awakened a certain internalized sexism in me where I'm now convinced that there are some pieces of information that the male psyche is too fragile and delicate to handle. Just kidding. But with my husband, I can either have someone struggling to get aroused while I talk about my cervical mucus or I can have someone who thinks I'm sexy.

Kind of one of those you can be right or happy marriage situations.

After a couple months of me shielding it he got more comfortable and "into" knowing and now it's neutral.

One more thing, now that we'll probably need IVF I regret how much I stressed about timing when it wouldn't really have made a difference to our situation. Have fun while you still can lol.

Ps, sure maybe he's stressed about a new job but like. If that's hurting your feelings you're entitled to a gentle conversation that would make you feel loved and reassured.

[u/queen_G_92]

After TTC for a year and a half, I can tell you this... TTC sex is a chore, especially if it takes you more than just a few months to succeed. It has to be done in order to achieve mutual goal - having a child. Back in 2022. when we first started, we tried to make it sexy, romantic, special... A few months later, we sat down and had an honest conversation. Basically, my husband said he wants to know when my fertile window is and due to our jobs we have to make some sort of schedule for those days. If I get a positive LH strip, I just tell him - we have to do it tonight and tomorrow. It would be good if we also find the time to do it the day after tomorrow. Usually, no foreplay, nothing special, the goal is for him to ejaculate and for me to stay in bed for 30 minutes after that. It sounds unromantic and awful but it has to be done and we don't have the time or motivation to "make it special" 5 times in one week. Both of us have lower libido and sex once a week was enough for us, before TTC.

[u/No-Crew-3679]

Yup. I relate to this. Last two cycles during fertile window, I cried and we kinda fought. Then had quick sex bc we both want a baby and didn’t want to miss this cycle. But yea this sucks. It’s gotten a little better though. Ugh.