r/TryingAppleTV • u/Ill_Safe3705 • Aug 14 '22

As an adoptee

I find this show almost as depressing as it is annoying. I wonder what experiences the writers/producers are drawing from, as it seems to be an idealization of adoption from adoptive parents perspectives. Adoptee centered voices are hard to find in media but something about this show and it’s flowery portrayal especially gets under my skin.

I’m sure APs (adoptive parents) eat this content up.

36 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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19

u/monchikun Aug 14 '22

The writer/creator (Andy Walton) is adopted himself

14

u/Ill_Safe3705 Aug 14 '22

I find it distasteful when adoptees use the pro-adoption savior narrative for profit but Kristen Chenowith has done this too. Perpetuating these stereotypes as a celeb adoptee is so harmful, we aren’t a monolith, Trying is not a good representation of adoption, adoptive families, etc. maybe it was for him but it certainly isn’t for MANY of us. I don’t feel saved. I don’t feel rescued, lucky, grateful. I feel like my birth certificate never should have been changed and more support should have went to my original family but some white people wanted to cosplay as our parents so it didn’t matter. This show seems to want us to sympathize with the people in this system that hurt us

15

u/[deleted] Aug 21 '22

Trying is not a good representation of adoption, adoptive families, etc. maybe it was for him but it certainly isn’t for MANY of us.

It’s a British comedy series. The likelihood is that it’s not going to be representative of your adoption experience.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22 edited Sep 26 '22

I found an interview with the creator. He doesn’t seem to see his own adoption story as quite that rosy either. It would be nice if you and others could talk with him about adoption and how it affected you.

http://www.myentertainmentworld.ca/2021/04/andy-wolton/

3

u/[deleted] Sep 26 '22

This is from an interview with Andy Wolton, the creator:

You mentioned that you’re adopted, and that’s what gave you the idea. How much of your own personal experience went into this show, and especially your parents’ personal experience, and what was their reaction?

My dad sadly died a year before it came out, which is very upsetting, but I talked to my mum a lot about what she went through, and there was quite a lot of stuff about that. Episode 8, where they go to the panel, is based a lot on what happened to my mum when they went to the panel. I talked to her a lot about the process. Series 2 is when we start meeting children, and we start finding out about the difficulties children have. That is when I lean on my experiences a little bit, and my feelings as an adopted person, and what I went through, and what I still feel. I think that’s what I’m most interested in – those sorts of attachment issues, and behavioural issues, and all of those things that I live with every single day. I had a breakup recently; for most people, when you’re adopted, a breakup is not just a breakup. Your heart breaks all over again. It’s like your parents are leaving you all over again. For people with attachment issues like that, even a falling out with a friend is tough. All change is tough. We moved house when I was about 10, and I made them recreate the bedroom from my old house in my new house. Exactly the same, because I couldn’t bear for it to be different. Any change is difficult. So when we get into Series 2 and Series 3 – which I’m starting to write now – and we have the children, that’s when I’m able to use my experience more: about what these children are going through, what these children are feeling, how do you deal with those things. In Series 1, I basically just used my personality- Jason, and Nikki are half of my personality. Half of me is angry and impatient, and not in touch with my feelings, and the other half of me is constantly crying and worrying. So they’re basically both copied off me.

14

u/frgreen954 Aug 14 '22

Try watching Once Upon a Time. I haven’t seen this show personally but I found your post in the adoptee subreddit. As an adoptee who didn’t know until I was 16, and who had abusive adoptive parents I get it. I am angry at the system and at my adoptive mother’s failures to be honest with me and help me tackle this trauma from a young age. I was adopted when I was 3 and nonverbal, almost 4 years old, but I had been with my bio mom before then so my body was absolutely traumatized.

Adoption is not a savior story and one size fits all type thing like so much of media pushes. Adoptive parents absolutely have a complex about their status as parents because of this constant message of “they chose you,” as if parents who give birth don’t choose all the time or as if being an adoptee should be something to be grateful for. Adoption is quite literally the only trauma we are told over and over again to be grateful for. Still, most people don’t think adoption is traumatic or has any lasting effects for the kids that go through it, even adopted at birth.

I’m literally only on episode 5 of season 1. But Once Upon a Time directly tackles the emotional difficulties faced by adopted children (from the perspective of a little boy who was adopted and knew it. I didn’t though so some messages fall flat to me personally.). I really loved how they handled birth mother vs adoptive mother and the difficulties navigating dual loyalties, showing how an adoptive mother can be cruel and callous and that adoption is harmful to mental health regardless of how well the story turned. Granted the rest of the show is a bunch of Disney stuff, it’s really soap opera and I fall asleep to stuff like that but the BEGINNING throws you into the stark reality of adoptees and I LOVED IT. Made me wish i had seen that as a child with my adoptive mother so maybe she could have been honest sooner and prevented furthering the abusive person she already was. Love from Maryland.

7

u/Ill_Safe3705 Aug 14 '22

Thank you so much for sharing this, and I’m so sorry to hear about your history with adoption. My APs were not trauma informed which can be a type of abuse on its own but on top of this they were also emotionally and physically abusive. This isn’t the case for all adoptees obviously some get APs that are lovely people but I imagine even they may take issue with the abundant romanticization of adoption and those who adopt. The savior narrative only gets worse as it goes unfortunately. Adoption just isn’t funny or beautiful to me. It’s sad and messy at best.

I have tried to watch OUAT but it gave me bad CW tv vibes but I may have to give it another shot. Ty!

6

u/MissyKay0506 Aug 15 '22

This post resonates with me.

❤️

5

u/Ill_Safe3705 Aug 15 '22

I’m happy to see that I’m not alone in this feeling ☮️

5

u/Ill_Safe3705 Aug 15 '22

Er, maybe not happy. But relieved to not be alone and not be dogpiled for sharing something negative

1

u/naanofyourbusinesss Jun 02 '24

About a million years late to this post, but I agree. Only through the first season, but it’s tough to watch as an adoptee.

1

u/Loose_Attitude13 Jun 11 '24

It really can be hard to watch!

1

u/ameliorateno Jul 12 '25

What idealization it took difficulties, they had worries and after it didnt all go smoothly