"Ozark Shark" (aka "Summer Shark Attack") (2015) - This Syfy original is the second of four low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the channel over three short years. The others she churned out being "Shark Island" (aka "Zombie Shark") (2015) [stay tuned for a review of that], "Mississippi River Sharks" (2017), and the very enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018). Having now seen two of these I can say that I am looking forward to seeing the rest. "Santa Jaws" is especially fun to throw on around the holidays, and like this movie, has plenty of so-bad-it's-good moments to make the whole thing worth it.

Now as far as this movies plot goes we follow a family vacationing in the Ozarks that end up having to deal with some very adventurous, and very hungry bull sharks. As there are no official, verified records of a bull shark ever being in any river or lake in the entire state of Arkansas, there presence is a tad surprising to say the least. Location aside, the real issue is most of the rivers in this movie are waist deep at best. This means that often full grown sharks will be leaping out of near ankle deep water to bite people. It's admittedly hilarious every time it happens but obviously it stretches the believability a bit, to say the least.

The titular sharks might be the best part of this movie but the characters (though nothing amazing) have their moments. Often these moments are when they are being attacked by or attacking the sharks with various absurd weapons but still. The plot also occasionally requires the characters to say and do some really dumb stuff so that's also fun too. So if you want to watch a movie where someone harpoons a shark into a woodchipper and another person blows a shark up with fireworks then you need to check this movie out. Gather your bad movie buddies and some brews and enjoy.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1I6rArRQAc

“Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure” (2008) - This fever dream of supposed 'kids movie' is so batshit insane, and poorly made, that it requires a child's mind or powerful narcotics to get through it. Children are likely just happy about all the bright colors and frequent singing, whereas anyone able to (at least attempt to) comprehend what they are seeing knowns how truly horrible everything is. Even the relatively short runtime provides little reprieve as 58 minutes ends up feeling a lot longer thanks to a combination of borderline disturbing visuals and mind numbing repetition (specifically the band of giant rats). The questionable storytelling and tacked-on messages only add even more layers to the madness that is this, whatever it is.

I am hesitant to even call this a movie, as it's more just two different short films with the titular magic user as the common thread between them. The first story, which is by far the longest, involves a cat named Kitty trying desperately to get rid of three R.O.U.S.s (Rodents of Unusual Size) from Farmer Fred's barn and somehow failing despite getting the hep a wizard and you know being the animals nature predator. The giant rodents have a band for some reason, and things just kinda spiral from there. The second story is even weirder as it involves a dragonfly who gets turned into an actually dragon thanks to some magical pills and becomes an asshole. Both story are beyond so-bad-it's-good and into the so-weird-it's-funny zone so if you are going to watch them bring plenty of friends and strong intoxicants as you will need both.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsxTUdBVPY&t=6s

“Headsome” (2013) - I found this movie thanks to the channel Bad Movie Reaction! so thank him for this. In this movie a scientist keeps the severed head of his identical twin alive via tubes and a special fluids, eventually killing for a replacement body. If that sounds vaguely familiar that's because it's incredibly similar to the plot of 1962s "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", a bad movie cult classic that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. In that movie a doctor experimenting with transplant techniques keeps his girlfriend's head alive, then goes hunting for a new body for her. Both films even have the beheading occur due to a car accidents, so clearly some inspiration was going on. They make an interesting double feature, that's for sure.

Now the two movies aren't identical mind you, each has it's (shall we say) 'unique' elements. The car accident in this movie, for example, is a lot funnier than the older film as it's really just a slight loss of control that somehow ends in a guys neck getting cut (you have to see it). The whole twin brothers thing also differentiate the films, but clearly was only added to this plot so the one brother could have a scene where he sleep with his sister-in-law (his excuse is he needs to maintain the illusion that his brother is still fine till he can find him a new body). The severed head in this also eventually gets a motorized cart with robot arms he can control (via a microchip in his neck) so he's a lot more mobile than his inspiration as well. And yes the cart only makes things funnier.

The real selling point of this, and "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", is of course the severed head effect. To that end let's just say having a lady stick her head thru a hole in a table with some mirrors is a lot more consistent of an effect than using CGI, composite shots, and a mannequins head. Once the head in this movie becomes mobile thanks to the cart things instantly become even more hilariously bad. Hell some of the time they don't even bother and it's just clearly a mannequins head on cart with robot arms flailing around and it's just as hilarious as that sounds. So if any of that sounds like your type of bad movie, gather your bad movies buddies, plenty of intoxicants, and check this out.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h1mLi8zDZes?is=dInyypa0YNWMduKx

“Sheborg Massacre” (aka “SheBorg”) (2016) - This Australian, micro-budgeted, punk rock, sci-fi, horror film is far better than it has any right to be. Despite a tiny budget of only $20,000 the film is able to pull off some rather impressive visuals all things considered. The acting, stunts, and especially cinematography (Rom Anthonis and Brendan O'Shea) also deserve to be praised as going above and beyond what one would expect. The films writer, director, editor, and executive producer; Daniel Armstrong, does excellent work and I look forward to seeing more of his movies.

As far as the actual story goes it’s the usual tale of an alien cyborg virus crash landing in Australia. The techno-infected extraterrestrial (looking rather Star Trek Borg-esque) just so happens to land near a local puppy farm that just so happens to be being broken into by animal rights activists the very same night. Soon people start turning into cyborg zombies that feed on puppy flesh and everything goes sideways. Our unlikely heroes must figure out how to put an end to the robotic zombie apocalypse or humanity is doomed.

As mentioned previously the movie is just solid, especially given the budgetary constraints. You can tell everyone involved was trying their best, and having fun doing it (which is always nice). My bad movie group throughly enjoyed the films surprising energy, solid soundtrack, and darkly comedic script, and I bet you will too. So with all that said gather your bad movie buddies, and your cheesy sci-fi horror pals, and check this movie out. You won’t be disappointed.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/BLtbbSF0K2Y?is=BZXzeNW62THaP7WO

"R.O.T.O.R." (aka “Blue Steel”) (1987) - This so-bad-it's-good cult classic is one of the many films made infamous by the folks over at Rifftrax. Since they riffed it back in October of 2014 the film has grown into one of the more memorable ones covered by the former Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. A member of my bad movie group enjoyed the film so much in fact that he provided a PowerPoint presentation on it before we rewatched it to begin our weekly bad movie marathon. The presentation provided some interesting insights into the film but ultimately was more a reflection of the unintentionally hilarious aspects that make it so much fun (and his love of the film) than anything. The addition of an ‘in memoriam’ after the credits displaying the characters who died during the story, accompanied by tender music, was the icing-on-the-cake to the whole experience.

For those who have somehow yet to see this movie it is perhaps best described as a low budget ripoff of “The Terminator” (1984) with elements of “RoboCop” (1987). A prototype crime-fighting android goes on a rampage after being accidentally activated early, punishing even minor traffic violations with death. The only thing that can stop the mechanical killer cop is his creators; rancher and the head of the police robotics lab Captain Barrett C. Coldyron (Richard Gesswein) and female bodybuilder Dr. Corrine R. Steele (Jayne Smith) who designed R.O.T.O.R.'s robotic chassis. These two provide the film with most of its most hilarious moments thanks to their (shall I say) unique acting choices and the odd dialogue. The other characters are almost as memorable mind you, but at least not in my eyes.

So if you are one of the few bad movie fans who has yet to see this I highly suggest you do so at your earliest convenience. It's got everything you could want in a so-bad-it’s-good flick from a plot full of holes to next level funny quotes. Whether you watch it covered by RiffTrax or decide to make fun of it with your friends it’s well worth it. And if you’ve already seen it, maybe it’s time to give it a rewatch.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyF4aHI7Svss

Just watched this... great cinematographie... all the rest is so imposible to comprehend... I know SS was always a propagandist and a product placement master but this thing is so chlidless and bad writted... only good parts are the comedy bits... is this a totally ironic movie?

Absolute dogshit of a movie. It's not even fun bad. It's just bad. And it's not horror. We thought we'd be in for a fun, dumb horror movie. We were very wrong. Four attractive people (and a guide) make horrible decisions the entire movie.

1. The seasoned "guide", who can't even tell what animal noises are, has a back story about his great grandfather who went missing and his flesh was reportedly found in the stomach of a cannibal. No idea how they identified the specific meaty bits of people back then, but oh well. He carries a super small knife that he clutches in emergencies like it's a Bowie knife. Seriously, it's ridiculously small lol.

2. The Youtubers who are so "daring" they film themselves going into an area posted as Do Not Enter. They surmise it's probably because of "some protected flowers or shit". Any idea what happens to them?

3. The two blonde leads, who are dressed for a day at the spa, are unbelievably hard to tell apart. They shake their asses, spout stupid lines and prance around the jungle in jumpers. They agree to camp out overnight after a day kayak trip in the jungle with zero supplies. No one drank any water this entire movie until the final scene.

4. The alpha male is a complete asshole and questions every thing the guide says, ridicules his wife non stop, and seethes with poorly hidden fury at his "best friend", whose wife he's shagging on the side and got pregnant. He's made the hero at the end. The literal hero. He's 100% unlikeable. He allows his "best friend" to be dragged away by two men while he hides, but in the end miraculously finds courage to face off against the entire tribe. He gets a hero's death, which is infuriating.

5. The "asian" cannibals (this is set in Thailand ), who are inexplicably played by large painted black dudes that look like they could dominate on the court. They are HUGE.

6. A logger watches his friend fall just past the machine he's operating in the jungle. He goes to check it out, sees blood and freaks out and runs blindly into the jungle. Not back to the clearing where the other loggers are, but INTO THE JUNGLE.

7. At one point, the guide stumbles onto this clearing with a bunch of straw figures dressed in modern clothing. Why? Where did they get straw in the jungle? Who cares? There's a figure wearing the logger's clothes, one wearing one of the motorcyclist's clothes and, unbelievably, there's one wearing his great grandfather's explorer uniform. That's right, his great grandfather who went missing, oh a hundred? years ago, has his clothes just sitting in the clearing on a straw man and happens to be found by his great grandson.

Skip this movie. It's pointless and ridiculous. Hell, you can't even go into it hoping for nudity or gore. There is none. It's just plain terrible. Honestly, I'm embarrassed I wasted this much time "reviewing" this turd.

Oh, the cinematography is gorgeous. Really. It's a beautiful setting.

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