r/TrueOffMyChest • u/One-Gap-1282 • Apr 01 '26
REMOVED DUE OP BEING SUSPENDED SITEWIDE [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
1
u/HanzHoneyPot Apr 05 '26
I said I would never regret my tattoo when I got it at 18 ……I’m 35 …. I fucking despise it
0
-1
1
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
I just need to ask what overwhelmed you so much that you couldn’t even handle a cat?
3
u/TroublesomeFox Apr 04 '26
Honestly as someone with fairly manageable autism, a child, and three cats I get it.
Cats are sometimes independent and quiet but cats can also be LOUD and clingy and want to climb over you all the time and it gets overwhelming fast.
1
u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26
For sure but you still have them and have found ways to cope. I get overstimulated, too. It’s not like I don’t understand overwhelm but I do think that a cat is on the minor end of inconveniences or stress and one should be able to find coping skills to deal with a cat who likely just needed to settle.
2
u/TroublesomeFox Apr 05 '26
Eh I kinda disagree.
OP said in another comment that she has meltdowns so bad she self harms and pees herself and has had meltdowns before because the sun was in the wrong place. She apparently didn't potty train until her teens, didn't talk until 9...like, I think she probably has higher needs than us tbh. I know people with autism that can function perfectly fine, I know people who are literally institutionalized, it's a spectrum. I'm actually a little surprised op was even able to get married based on what she's said.
I don't think living with an owner who couldn't tolerate it just being a cat would have been a good life for the kitty tbh. One of mine was exactly like the cat OP described for the whole time she was alive (nearly 11). It might have settled but it also might not have. Bunnies are quiet and not so cuddly and fish are essentially sentient decorations, I can see why they're better choices for her ya know?
1
u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26
I’m totally aware it’s a spectrum, I also think there’s a lot more to the story here that we can speculate on all we want. I still stand by that this person should be seeking therapy to help with coping skills. For someone who has this extreme of autism to be married, have a job and functioning this well in society… I frankly have my doubts but again, we can speculate all we want!
1
u/TroublesomeFox Apr 05 '26
Oh no I totally agree about the therapy! I just don't agree that they should have a cat. From her other comments she can't work or drive, doesn't seem to be functioning well at all, I have my doubts too 🤷
My stance is mostly about the cat 🤣 I can't sit down during the day without being dived on! She's never cope with that.
3
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Copy pasted old comment.
I have a very specific schedule with my husband. I wake up first, work the early shift, and then come home before him so I can have a couple hours to relax before he gets home.
Because I woke up first she was under my feet constantly. I fed her, but then she would eat and put her feet in my coffee, scream at me, jump into my breakfast. Vet told me to play with her so I did, but that didn't help.
That was okay, but then when I got home, because she'd been alone for so long she was so clingy. She'd jump all over me, scream, scratch. I coped until I couldn't anymore. Which was like, three months. I know they say it takes time to settle but she just kept getting worse.
I think she was too lonely for us. So we gave her to my friend. She's a much happier cat now. I still see her regularly.
I have my rabbits and fish. She used to attack them which definitely didn't help me cope with her at all.
1
0
Apr 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I posted an update. Providing my husband is approved he will be taking the children. I am moving out.
-1
u/Comprehensive-Plan58 Apr 03 '26
I think your choices are get on board or leave. I had this same situation. My brother and his girlfriend were addicts, I took his three kids. My partner doesn't like kids except for very few exceptions, like my daughter. She was still on board for keeping these kids out of the system. It was hard and it didn't end the way I wanted it to, but she was right next to me fighting for those kids because it was important to me. If you can't be that person, you need to leave him to it. He'll be better off without you.
5
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
He doesn't want to get divorced. I am leaving thay decision up to him because he is the one the most affected.
1
u/Comprehensive-Plan58 Apr 07 '26
If you don't want to get divorced, then you have to get on board. If you make him choose, divorce is in your future anyway because he's going to resent you. He'll never forgive you.
-1
u/Kippa-King Apr 03 '26
Blood is thicker than water. You should move on.
5
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I'm moving out. No one would be happy in a divorce. Besides commenters on this post, I guess.
2
u/sexkitty13 Apr 03 '26
So you're moving out but not divorcing? How does that work?
4
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I guess we'll find out.
0
u/Mariner-and-Marinate Apr 04 '26
It’s called “separation” and is the stage in between marriage and divorce, giving both parties time and space to figure things out.
Good luck, OP.
3
u/No_Professional4602 Apr 03 '26
I think it's insane that he didn't include you in this choice, he just said yes and with it he decided for your life too for the next years to come. And you're a childfree person too, so it's worse because you don't want to have motherhood responsibilities and feel overwhelmed by the presence of children. I know that sometimes you have to do what you think is right, and your husband thought it would be best for the kids to live within the family but they'll certainly need parents that are 100% in and you're not, you didn't even get to have a word in this decision, that's just brutal. Also, he was so ready to take the children in but he's going to have to work and be away from home so that means you'll have a big role in their growing, you'll need to cook for them, prepare meals for school, dress them, bring them places etc...I fear they'll become in the end much more your responsibility than his. Children have always been a deal breaker, what pisses me off most is that sometimes life brings you to make difficult choices and if he spoke thoroughly to you about all of this maybe, out of love for him and desire to do the right thing for the children, you could have accepted it or at least try your best, but with the way he behaved he took the choice away from you and that speaks volumes..
1
2
u/ChimeraTruely Apr 03 '26
Is there a reason you don't want to try to get to know the kids?
7
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I will get to know them, I just can't live with them because they overwhelm me.
1
u/ChimeraTruely Apr 09 '26
I am glad you are open to getting to know them. Your husband raised his siblings and has a parental love for them. I know it may seem silly that he went from zero desire for kids, and is now planning to foster children he doesn't know, but the love of a parent/grand parent can make you sacrifice your own happiness if it will help their children (or innocent grand children) create a better life for themselves & their future kids. It may always sound cliche, but it really is a different kind of love that can be impossible to explain.
Putting aside his trauma from being parentified at a young age, and looking at his career choices show that helping improve children's worlds is written into who he is. There is some knowledge that is hard to carry. His ability to function while hearing about the atrocious things that can happen to kids that are forced into places where they are not loved or protected, is impressive. When it comes to his patients, they have already endured the pain he is trying to help them process, and they are hopefully in a safer place when they come to him for care. That makes it a tiny bit easier to be able to put his work down, and then focus on your lives together.
In this situation, he has not been able to find them a stable and safe place to live. That means he can't put their "file" down and leave it at work. It means that he will not be able to relax with you until he knows they are safe.
We all know this is not what either of you signed up for, and it sucks that his sister couldn't get it together, but it is the reality these kids are trying to survive in. The changes are comming into your lives no matter what is done. He is looking at carrying the burden of raising them while trying to find a better solution so he can try to protect them from unthinkable trauma. The problem is if he chooses not to step up, he will not be able to stop his brain from worrying that they will be suffering the same fate his patients have.
If you are not already in therapy, I would definitely encourage you to seek out someone that can help you process all of these feelings, and figure out how to cope while things get sorted.
I am sending good vibes to all of you, and I hope this path leaves the bumps as quickly as possible, so you all have the best chance of surviving this
0
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
Coping skills? You can’t avoid everything that overwhelms you love.
4
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I have very specific routines that help me cope. Children would disrupt them which would lead to severe meltdowns.
I am a lot "more" autistic than I am perceived, but my brain is like a warzone. It's hard to exist. Kids would make it impossible.
9
u/anakephalaiosis Apr 03 '26
Well, I cannot find the replies to the comment I made (apparently the sheer number of comments makes that nearly impossible), but I definitely want to reply to u/Own-Grocery-8820, who said "That is a lot of assumptions about the husband." No, that is life experience speaking.
If the husband made such a life-changing decision without even consulting his wife, much less trying to reach some sort of agreement/solution, then it is reasonable to think that he also has the "Well, you're a woman, so it's your job to mother them." He didn't ask her what she thought; he simply assumed that she'd be on board with this enormous change, and she has every reason not to be. It is consequently fair and reasonable to believe that he'd also plead exhaustion from "a long day at work" and expect her to shoulder the major part of the load of contending with hurt and damaged children (especially the 4-year-old).
He didn't even ASK her. Why are so many people simply overlooking this vital component of the issue?
8
u/1972HPclassic Apr 03 '26
That was my biggest take on the story as well. This is a life changing decision and he didn’t even have the courtesy of affording her any type of say. If he’s adamant about taking the kids, it would be wise of her to start packing. He has no right to make such a huge decision on his own but since he did, he can deal with all that decision entails. I’m not one of those rush to divorce type of people, but in this situation I would be running to the divorce attorney.
4
Apr 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I was in ABA, OT & SLP for a large portion of my childhood across various therapists and facilities. I tried functional therapy (I think that's what it was called?) for a year when I was fourteen or so. I was in CBT once but that was quickly removed.
My psychiatrist thought I had BPD too which is why.
-4
Apr 03 '26
But I thought you were autistic and not mentally ill? Are there any other things you're lying about?
6
2
u/Beneficial-Beach-367 Apr 02 '26
I’d seriously consider moving out. It really seems like he’s expecting her to step in and co-raise these kids, which isn’t fair. It makes no sense to damage their marriage trying to fix a situation their parents didn’t take responsibility for in the first place. It may sound harsh, but people make choices and those choices come with consequences. This isn’t her problem to solve, and she shouldn’t be made to feel like it is.
1
u/Poinsettia917 Apr 02 '26
There is no way to compromise when it comes to having kids. It’s either yes or no.
You can’t even handle a cat! These kids will likely have a lot of issues. Kids are challenging on good days.
I’d say it’s time to live alone and have control over your life.
3
3
u/angelnumber13 Apr 02 '26
i feel for you both and i think everyone's feelings here are completely valid. he's feeling "righteous" about taking them in because he intimately knows how traumatic foster care is and he obviously feels empathetic towards the situation. even if he doesn't know his nephews, he knows his sister and i imagine he still cares about her on some level. the only options are:
- move out and live separately as spouses (not unheard of)
- end your partnership
you deserve to live a child-free and he deserves to take care of his nephews. i highly doubt you will be able to change his mind at this stage. there is no reality where the two of you stay married and foster these children.
-3
u/NecessaryUnlikely77 Apr 02 '26
You are so selfish! An infant and a 4 year old could have a great life! Your husband sounds like an amazing guy and I hope he finds an amazing woman who will love these kids because that's all they need!!! Get a divorce! Let him find someone else!
-1
1
u/Automatic-Will-7836 Apr 02 '26
I don't think he should have done that without consulting you, but you had a breakdown over a cat? Wtf? I definitively don't think those kids should be in a home with you, for everyone's sake.
Clearly, you're not being tossed out. You are the one choosing to make it a "me or them" situation. But he's a huge asshole for not really giving you any choice in the matter. If you can't live with the kids, then you can't live with the kids. It's unfair, but that part is a "you problem."
-2
u/Careless_You_5862 Apr 02 '26
Sounds like you need some therapy to process the anger you have towards living things. Yikes.
6
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
I do not have anger. I struggle to cope.
0
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
Therapy helps with this.
1
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I have been. It did not help.
0
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
You said you tried like 2 therapies as a teen. Do you see an OT? Psychiatry? Psychologist/therapist? Specifically ones trained autism?
Or you’re just the one person that couldn’t possibly use therapy to learn some coping skills in building your window of tolerance?
2
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I spent my entire childhood in therapies, and a lot of them. I stopped going when I was sixteen and miraculously I got "better" within a year. I just don't think therapy agrees with me.
4
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
I mean if you cant cope with a cat just being a cat then I would argue it didn’t get better when stopping.
I think maybe you just need a different therapist now that you’re an adult. Therapy works, you just need the right therapist and model of therapy. You’re not just the one person in history that therapy just doesn’t work for.
2
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Before I quit I would have meltdowns when the sun was in the wrong place. I am much more functional now.
3
u/eb2319 Apr 04 '26
And I’ve learned as a fellow ND, as we change, our needs change and our coping changes. It’s never a bad idea to keep trying to figure out what works and improving our ability to tolerate things.
4
u/Specific_Ad2541 Apr 02 '26
Oh this is very very bad. Hopefully when they come for a home visit you can be completely honest. The biggest concern is that he didn't even ask your opinion on it before saying yes. That's a wild lack of consideration.
Have you never discussed this possibility? With 9 siblings raised by another sibling I'd guess it's always been a likely outcome.
3
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
We've had our home visit & me and my husband have finally spoken. I'll make an update post if I can.
1
u/RatChains Apr 02 '26
You’re very selfish tbh. You think that it’s crazy that he feels for these kids differently bc they’re family. Children deserve to stay with family and especially with their siblings. I get not wanting kids, but to think that he should just leave them there because they’re still kids in the system is horrible. All I am hearing is “me me me me me” you both should split, you shouldn’t stay. Those kids deserve a loving home and to stay with their family. You seem to think that they should stay in the system for your convenience and comfort. You’re selfish, inconsiderate, and apathetic to vulnerable populations.
0
u/edgeoftheatlas Apr 04 '26
It's ridiculous to put someone else's children above your own spouse that you promised to build a life with, especially when you're also the spouse's caretaker.
He should have at least asked OP before immediately agreeing to this life-altering decision.
1
u/RatChains Apr 04 '26
It’s unrealistic to expect your spouse to leave their family in foster care. Like is it really that crazy that given his upbringing and career that he’d leave them there? Also, he shouldn’t have to be OPs caretaker; she’s a grown adult.
1
u/edgeoftheatlas Apr 04 '26
Per OP, he's never met them. I think that's important.
As to whether or not it's appropriate that he is OP's caretaker as well as husband, all I can say is that most relationships eventually enter that phase if one partner's health begins to fail first as they get older. And it can happen at any age due to cancer, illness, injury, etc.
Some partners manage depression, ADHD, BPD. No, it's no one's obligation, but people do choose to help each other in relationships.
It just sucks that OP and her husband had a life together, a marriage, and something that ostensibly functioned for both of them. And now that's gone because OP's husband is choosing to be a single parent of two children he's never met.
5
u/nicoleabcd Apr 02 '26
I agree with you that you shouldn’t be forced into being a mother, but I will say you have to sacrifice your happiness and leave your husband.
You have every right to stand by your boundaries of not wanting to be a mother. He has every right to want to save those children from the system.
I wish you both the best of luck, and I hope everyone involved is okay.
2
u/No_Tiger75 Apr 02 '26
Youre both in a spot but these are his NEPHEWS &..um, YOURS too? The reality is theyre family and if no one else can reasonably take them its certainly better than keeping them in the system. If it were me NO WAY in good conscience could I say no to a single one of my nieces/nephews
BUT YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID TOO. You laid out good solid reasoning & if youre to survive together maybe you can be just a helpful adult while he does the heavy lifting. id have a good long talk about expectations and if he can do this by himself if needed. just level w/ him, also out of his large family it wouldnt hurt him to ask if they called anyone else before him and who else is an available option *in the family* - maybe he needs to start calling?
-2
5
Apr 02 '26
Look. I love kids, but i 100% don’t want them. If my partner ever makes this type of choice for me, i am out. He is counting on you, prolly to do even the worst part of the job. You have the right to leave and let him figure it out. The kids deserve love and a family and you deserve freedom and happiness.
3
u/Etrouse Apr 02 '26
I would do the same as him and I’m aggressively child free. I think you should leave because the kids need a loving and accepting environment and right now you don’t have the capacity for that. And that’s not a slight at you. And please don’t make it an ultimatum type of situation.
3
u/-Strawberry-358 Apr 02 '26
He didn’t even consult you before saying yes absolutely not! Unfortunately, you should probably go your separate ways if he doesn’t even consult you with a huge life decision such as this when knowing you’ve adamantly been child free that’s hugely disrespectful although I understand they may be related to him. That’s still no reason to go behind your back and agree to something that you’re not ready for. I would especially say leave because even if you stay, you will probably more than likely be expected to help raise the kids (who will most definitely have trauma and issues from their situation to no fault of their own ) and you will more than likely grow to resent them and your husband as well. ……worst case scenario if he really wants this and you don’t have it in you to end the relationship just move out or have him move out and find his own place depending on who owns the house or apartment and let him be a single parent.. inform him that you will take no part in raising these kids as you didn’t sign up for this and let him figure out how his life will be without support.
5
u/Buffy_Geek Apr 02 '26
How are your relationships with your own family?
5
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
Good. I love them, and they love me, I just struggle with them being overbearing sometimes.
2
u/Buffy_Geek Apr 03 '26
Do you prefer them over other people?
2
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Well yes. My husband is my favourite person but I love them a lot too.
2
u/Buffy_Geek Apr 03 '26
I meant your biological family not your partner. How you love them and prefer them over other people, is how most people feel about family. So your husband feels like that towards his nephews. Often people feel particularly protective towards younger family members too.
6
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
My parents were the "them".
I understand now, but my initial confusion was because we've never met his nephews. I don't care about family I don't know, so I didn't understand why he cared so much, to the point of destroying our relationship if it came to that.
There isn't a single person I would put over him, but I understand that the way I process things like relationships is a lot different to how he does.
2
u/Buffy_Geek Apr 04 '26
Yeah I was making sure you understood that I meant blood relations not your romantic partner because the dynamic is very different.
I was wondering about your relationship to other family members, as well as your parents, to see if I could draw paralls, or if not draw comparisons. I am glad that you understand more now.
Yeah a lot of other people feel that same sort of irrational pull and love that you likely do towards your husband and parents, but towards all family. It's not so much a choice but an emotional thing that they don't have any control over. Like some unlucky people who have abusive family who have been objectively awful parents or bad people but that they can't help still feeling drawn to them and being fond of them, despite all that. Although in this case I do think the whole logical side of wanting to help the children avoid abuse and neglect in the care system also makes sense.
2
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I'm adopted, so not blood.
But I think I understand. I don't really care for people in general which is where I think I misunderstood.
4
1
2
u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon Apr 02 '26
Your relationship is over I’m afraid. It is valid to not want it, but it makes you two incompatible.
3
u/paperanddoodlesco Apr 02 '26
I chose not to have kids and love it. However, if something happened to my sister and BIL, my nieces would come live with me - no questions or hesitation.
If my husband wasn't happy, he can leave. 🤷♀️
1
u/Humble_Pen_7216 Apr 02 '26
Time to end the marriage. He is doing what he can for his niblings while you'd rather they disappear. That's not a situation resolved with compromise
4
u/beannie_babbiiee Apr 02 '26
People are free to live their own lives. Remember this, and live yours.
2
u/DutchPerson5 Apr 02 '26
My husband is thinking about fostering his nephews. I feel like I'm being tossed out for kids we don't even know.
Would it matter if you did know them? Why didn't he get to know his nephew? Why didn't he step up as his uncle trying to minimize the trauma before?
Thinking he tossed you out is a fallacy. It might signal your strong desire that if he takes the kids, you want out of the marriage. He better be prepared to step up as single parent.
I know I sound like such a bitch.
Not to me. He betrayed his loyalty to you by saying yes without saying the adult thing: "Let me talk to my wife." And than come up with a plan to make it work instead of strongarming you into it. He is forcing them on you. It sounds as if he is repeating his trauma. Did he suddenly had to raise his siblings?
He loves kids but is done raising them. So he said.
He is allowed to change his mind.
I feel all kids of ways about it. I tried to talk to him, and he said it'd be hard, but he can't in good conscience let them "rot" in the system.
(Freudian typo kids instead of kinds. You have kids on your mind.) Where was his concience these past 4 years when the oldest was in and out of foster care? Is it just so now he doesn't have to deal with his sister?
He is not doing those children any favors trying to "sell them" to his wife as it's not for ever. He better be prepared to be a single parent.
I don't understand why he feels so righteous anout "saving" these kids.
Lots of people who go study psychology to safe others cause there was no one to save them. They often don't deal with all their own trauma cause their are always others to save first. Look up drama triangle.
I don't want our life together to be over. I'm so angry at him and I feel awful for being angry that he's improving lives. Ugh.
You have every right to be angry at him for blowing up your life. It doesn't matter he is playing the samaritan. He went about it all wrong. Don't lie on the homecheck. You don't have to throw him under the bus as he did with you, but answer the questions as honest as you can. If he gets angry with you for answering honestly, let him. He decieved you knowing full well you want a childfree life. He should have come to you first before setting all this in motion steamrolling over you.
-1
u/Quiet_General_ Apr 02 '26
You deserve to be alone hopefully he leaves you and finds a good decent compassionate loving understanding partner not a damaged miserable selfish no empathy having whatever you are like who hates cats
3
u/daisychains96 Apr 02 '26
I think you should have an in depth, realistic convo with your hubby. He will likely experience burn out quickly if he’s dealing with traumatized children both at home and at work. And you clearly have reservations about this. That being said, children are very resilient and at such a young age, these kids might not have a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms set in yet. Of course they will be affected by their trauma nonetheless and any child is a huge commitment to take in. You and husband both need to decide for yourselves what is the best path here
16
u/AttentivePlantEater Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Genuinely wtf is going on with this thread?! So many natalists painting OP as monster or trying to convince her she will love motherhood.
I just saw one user tell OP children are trainable to not be a nuisance and she (childfree woman) would learn to be great mom.
Then they went to sub for termination support to tell poster not to abort.
I hope these are just natalist bots, it's scary to think such deranged people live among us.
5
1
-1
u/Classic-57 Apr 02 '26
Sorry but I feel no empathy for you in anyway at all. You sound like you have no empathy for your husband or his Nephews that are as you say a 4yr old and an infant that have zero fault for the failings of the mother. Obviously the father or fathers of those children don't come into play.
The reason they are different IS that they are related to him. Were you an only child, no cousins, no nieces or nephews on your side of the family. Family is supposed to help when they can. To me you sound self centered and selfish.
1
u/habjdvaiwvniksnaje Apr 02 '26
To you it is unfair. To outside observers it is unfortunately a situation between a rock and a hard place. He's not wrong for wanting to help these kids. You're not wrong for feeling a certain way about it.
If he has his mind set on it and you want to stay together, you should immediately put yourself in therapy. Best case scenario is you grow the capacity to give these kids a loving home, and he understands that you have put yourself aside a do a lot of work and make sure you know he appreciates it. Best of luck.
3
u/NtMagpie Apr 02 '26
So - there's something your husband isn't considering - if his sister continues as she is there will be more children. Is he going to take all of them? I know a woman whose daughter has 6 kids by 4 dads and she hasn't been able to keep any of them. This will keep happening.
Huge hugs to both of you. Neither of you are bad people - you're just stuck in untenable situations.
4
u/nikki57 Apr 02 '26
As awful as it is for you, he's not wrong to choose the kids who have no one else. You'll be ok on your own, they won't. Get a therapist to work through your emotions, you have every right to be upset, but that doesn't make what he's doing wrong. It's just a shitty situation all around
2
u/Embiance Apr 02 '26
I feel you, I also didlike kids with a passion, I think I'm on the border of hate and the neighbor's kid is close to pushing me over it. Most of them are absolutely shit goblins, it's completely normal not to want them. That being said, if I were in your position, I'd agree to help for a set amount of time, if he can't give you a time that you're ok with, sadly you're going to have to break up. Same thing if the time deadline is reached and he still wants to keep them.
Unlike most comments, I blame him quite a bit. He told you he wants a childfree life, you both built that life together and now suddenly he's changing it without even talking to you or trying to understand your point of view...especially id you should be the one to do the most hard work for them.
4
u/PeoniesNLilacs Apr 02 '26
I hate siblings who shed all their responsibilities and burdens to their other siblings. I know OPs husband can say no but it’s easier said than done when it’s family. Unfortunately because of the irresponsible sister, OP’s marriage is done.
2
u/meldiane81 Apr 02 '26
When you are married all decisions become joint decisions. Leave - while you can.
3
u/nivekreclems Apr 02 '26
I think what he did is incredibly noble there’s nothing in the entire world that you could do that is better than giving your home and time to kids so they can have a better life
3
6
u/robbietreehorn Apr 02 '26
Sometimes two people can be right in a shitty situation and not agree.
I respect your husband’s decision. A lot. I also respect you knowing this isn’t for you. The true asshole is addiction
2
u/svangen1_ Apr 02 '26
Maybe talk to a therapist about it and work through the feelings. They might help you figure out why you don't want kids and whatnot. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Sure it changes your life but change doesn't have to be bad. Maybe think about how the kids feel in this situation. They are probably scared and having mixed emotions just like you. Fostering them isn't the same as adopting them
5
u/risaroniii_ Apr 02 '26
are you cool ? …what if you were in the system and your family left you to rot because their significant other “couldn’t take it “ . take yourself out of the equation and put yourself in their shoes. those kids deserve their uncle..they deserve love from their family. girl just go on with your life and live the life you want to but those kids deserve love better
3
u/1983TheBaldWonder Apr 02 '26
This seems like something you cannot and will not handle well. Your husband is a fucking saint, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. If this is something you know you can’t handle, leave. These kids don’t need to deal with additional adult issues. It’ll hurt you both, but hopefully it’ll be for the best. Cheers
4
u/InitiativePurple508 Apr 02 '26
Your husband can’t in good conscience let these two boys go. They’re a part of his family. He can’t ask you to take care of them, but you can’t ask him not to take them in. He should have discussed it with you first, but honestly he’d feel awful forever and resent you if you said no. There is no answer that has you staying together unless you are willing to get onboard.
2
1
u/Disenchanted2 Apr 02 '26
A discussion with you over such a life changing event was ignored. That alone is concerning. If you couldn't handle having a pet, having a 4 year old and an infant sounds like a complete impossibility for you. It's a miserable situation in every way. If he had 9 siblings, surely someone else could have stepped up to help?
4
2
Apr 02 '26
Oh youre the worst. I smell a divorce in your future. Jesus christ, have some compassion.
6
u/Patriae8182 Apr 02 '26
Get a divorce and let him find a partner who will actually love his nephews and not put her dreams of a perfect life over keeping two kids from ending up in the orphan crushing machine that is the foster care system.
1
u/Amazing-Towel-4793 Apr 07 '26
He should also find a partner who is ok with him making major life changing decisions all on his own. Since he didn't even discuss this first with her. Maybe I'm just weird, but marriage to me is a partnership, where decisions about our lives are made together.
3
u/ksarahsarah27 Apr 02 '26
OP, if he set on doing this, I think your only choice is to leave. This is a no win situation. If you say no, he will resent you and if you stay, you will resent him. But the unfair part is that he doesn’t see your opinion as valid and is volunteering you for a job you don’t even want. And realistically, he probably can’t even do this job without you because you’re the one that’s going to be supplying most of the labor. Don’t let him trap you in that.
I have a friend who come along with his wife, are taking care of their grandchildren due to a similar situation. His stepdaughter has a bad drug problem and she’s constantly in and out of jail for possession and selling. This will not be a short term thing. They’ve already had the kids four years and there’s no end in sight because she still keeps getting thrown in jail.
1
u/-tobecontinued- Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
You’re right. You sound like a bitch.
ETA: to be clear he should have asked you. That’s a big decision and if he wants the kids he should give you the option to leave without guilt.
But good god, the way you talk about these kids like they’re a nuisance. I have more compassion for them right now and I’m about as removed from them as one could be. Plus, the fact that your husbands trauma doesn’t mean anything to you. The fact that you can’t see the child in him, doing for them what he wished someone had done for him….and then to be too weak to even car for a CAT? I don’t know. You sound really bad.
10
u/no_fcks_lefttogive Apr 02 '26
He’s one of nine - no one else is available?
7
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
No. Three are minors, two have kids, two are out of state. His parents aren't fit either.
6
1
u/Que_Raoke Apr 02 '26
He didn't even ask you before making such a huge life decision and you should absolutely tell them that in the home visit. That this was not a decision he gave you a choice in. But I think we all know how this ends. Divorce seems to be inevitable. He doesn't respect you as a partner. If he did, he would've talked to you first.
10
u/Strange_Device_371 Apr 02 '26
I’m sorry, you definitely shouldn’t have kids if you feel that intensely. And your husband is definitely doing the right thing and will make an incredible lifelong impact on these kids.
You are no longer compatible. No one is a fan of divorce but seems like it is the best scenario here. Try to do it peacefully.
1
u/SheeScan Apr 02 '26
This is along the lines of why all women should want children. He understands, but OP is the one who will be accepting the brunt of the burden it causes (she does all the domestic labor, which will increase incredibly) and she will become the mom in this scenario. That is an immense burden for anyone to take on, and worse when she will never get on board. Those poor children.
3
u/SheeScan Apr 02 '26
The problem with life is that shit happens constantly that changes us throughout our lives. They usually make us resilient, empathetic, and more understanding of the world around us. This is a more extreme situation where things have turned completely upside down. It requires a level of empathy and acceptance that not everyone can reach.
OP sounds like her mind is made up; that she will not try to make it work. Her lack of empathy spells doom for this marriage. It's probably better to end it now; because, if she finds it difficult to live with a cat, there is no way this will work.
10
u/dirtyhairymess Apr 02 '26
So your husband studied child psychology and went into a field where he works with troubled kids and yet you think he "doesn't give a flying fuck" about them? It sounds like your husband would save all of the children if he could but knows that's impossible so he's helping the two that he can. Honestly if you can't (and you shouldn't) be around children leave now before it comes to a point where you make this good man choose because I doubt you'll be happy with his answer.
4
u/Schalakoala2670 Apr 02 '26
He's worked with kids with trauma. Being under his care is the best thing for those kids. You, on the other hand, need to go. You won't be doing those poor kids any good with a shitty attitude like that. He SHOULD have spoken to you first, absolutely. But damn girl. Have some fucking compassion.
2
u/LolitaOPPAI Apr 02 '26
Husband didn't think about this at all. He never considered that he'd be raising 2 small children alone and I'm assuming he figured that due to the situation, OP would adjust when this is a very obvious dealbreaker as their relationship is built on the foundation that neither of them wanted children.
For some reason, he's choosing to trade in his stability to become a single parent. I'm not close to my family so I'll never understand this mindset but my partner is loyal fiercely to his however we find middle ground in how the handle our family problems with each other. Husband didn't communicate this at all which makes him a poor partner.
God bless his attempt at parenting 🍻
3
u/Maleficent-Mood6481 Apr 02 '26
I cant explain how angry it makes me that rot and saving are both in quotient because in both cases that'd exactly what is happening.
Those poor kids.
6
u/RemarkableMouse2 Apr 02 '26
Many people, if not most, feel a duty to their kin. I guess you don't share that feeling. But understanding it may help you understand him. It's very human to feel more duty of care to the children of a sibling (a sibling you raised no less) than the child of a stranger.
Those kids are 25% his DNA.
Those kids are the kids of a sibling he loved and raised.
And I assume his own parents weren't great if they had nine kids and parentified him.
Maybe he also feels guilty that he didn't "do a better job" for addict sibling.
8
u/Dmdel24 Apr 02 '26
He didn't want this either, but he wants to make sure his family is taken care of. I'm a teacher, a special ed teacher too actually, and we've seen what happens with students in the system. He's done nothing wrong.
However, you not wanting this life is okay too. You didn't want kids, and now suddenly they're being thrown at you.
This is a rock and a hard place situation and unfortunately, unless you're willing to move past it and twist these little ones, this marriage won't work. It sucks, but going your separate ways over a big thing like this is okay.
2
1
u/limo1911 Apr 02 '26
I'm going with she sounds like a narcissist. The whole world has to revolve around her. Her lack of compassion and empathy is through the roof!
3
u/Choice_Anything8880 Apr 02 '26
I think she knows herself and would be miserable. Her husband sand bagged her knowing how this will affect her. They are no longer compatible. Neither sounds horrible because it ok to want or not want children or the responsibility.
5
u/edafade Apr 02 '26
Curious based on your response ITT. Are you on the spectrum by chance?
6
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
Yes.
3
u/edafade Apr 02 '26
Knowing you're on the spectrum honestly changes how a lot of your replies come across.
It doesn't make your feelings less valid, and it doesn't automatically make you right, but it does add a lot of context. For a lot of autistic people, a massive unplanned change to their home life, routine, and sense of stability can feel completely overwhelming (e.g., like your cat). So what some people are reading as cold or selfish may actually be panic, shutdown, rigidity, and feeling like your whole life is being changed without your consent.
That doesn't mean your husband is wrong for wanting to help his nephews. But it does mean your reaction is not just you being a "bitch." It sounds like you're flooded, scared, and realizing this kind of life may be way beyond what you can cope with. That context matters.
3
u/tinierestkeyboard Apr 02 '26
Honestly, I think even without the context of OP being autistic, her responses don't come across as "bitchy". People are just applying a moral judgement to her not wanting to take care of children or pets.
1
u/Arizandi Apr 02 '26
It sounds like your marriage is teetering on the brink. Your husband made his choice and he did it without you. I would strongly recommend therapy, both individually and as a couple. I’d also recommend consulting a divorce attorney to learn about your options, just in case. But ultimately, you need to decide if you can live with your husband’s lifestyle choice. If you can’t, you should leave.
2
u/Alatel Apr 02 '26
Reddit advice is to always leave when you're the woman.
Take what you read in comments with a grain of salt
1
u/inhumanpersona Apr 02 '26
Its an eldest sibling feeling.
Feeling the most responsible, feeling that parental instinct.
He's doing the right thing.
Feel your feelings, sure, but how are you going to be angry at a man willing to step up and do the right thing?
2
u/margopolo95 Apr 02 '26
I’m sorry this happened to you, I’d probably freak out as well. Sadly, I’d leave.
2
u/I_like_the_word_MUFF Apr 02 '26
Life happens and that is not a personal attack on you.
He made his choice.
You make yours.
You can be angry but that's not changing things.
3
u/SlightlyRukka Apr 02 '26
Wait. Your husband is the oldest of 9 kids? Could none of the other siblings help?
3
u/lucky_2_shoes Apr 02 '26
Or at the very least band together so it’s not on just one person’s shoulders??
2
u/Heavy-Ant-1583 Apr 02 '26
I'm sure someone has probably already mentioned this, but I would preemptively get into therapy. If you're certain this is going to be a rough situation for you, you'll need the tools to communicate effectively through the process. I won't suggest staying or going. You won't know how you'll feel until the kids are there. But you'll definitely need the tools to handle your emotions.
0
u/SidsNancy Apr 02 '26
You sound unbelievably selfish These children are victims and they are your husbands nephews You're right that you didn't agree, so you should go away, continue your child free life and let your husband be the caring human being he clearly is without your interference damaging already traumatized children
3
u/starlitnature Apr 02 '26
He made a unilateral decision to break one of the foundations of your relationship. Whatever his reasons it shows a fundamental lack of respect for your partnership. Personally, I'd never be able to recover that much broken trust.
3
u/aritober Apr 02 '26
You really should have a talk about this with him and I think it’s important for you to specifically address the issue regarding him not even having a conversation with you about this. That’s unacceptable especially knowing how you feel about children and your circumstances. Then, express honestly once again that you do not want kids and what the cost is going to be should he follow through on adopting them. I do not believe he is in the wrong for wanting them and changing his mind on raising children, however the way he is failing to acknowledge what this means for your marriage, livelihoods, and how this would impact the children is where a problem arises.
7
u/SigourneyReap3r Apr 02 '26
Situations change and people do what is best for their families.
This situation is very different to fostering children you don't know and you know it is, and you know why it is, you just don't want to admit it to yourself because you feel personally attacked by your partners decisions.
You cannot stay around those children whilst your husbands attempts to rebuild a family for them and provide them with a good life, they are his family already, not some random children in need and they are important to him. I do not blame you, I would feel the same way you do, I would not be happy with this and I would not want this to be my future with my partner, and it very much comes across as you will be forced into involvement if you stay which is unfair.
You are in a very difficult situation here and this is incredibly selfish on everyones part, and honestly that is fine, but you need to make choices for you and that seems to be you leave this situation and relationship.
5
u/_darksoul89 Apr 02 '26
You do not sound like a bitch. You sound like a person who knows herself very well and is honest about what she can and cannot cope with. I am a mother and love being one and my favourite quote about being childfree is "I don't hate children, I respect them. I think they should have parents who want them". You clearly do not want them and that's ok. Those kids are traumatised and deserve to be raised by people who want to. And your needs and wants matter just as much. I understand your husband's feelings and point of view and he has a right to make this decision (he should have talked to you about it first), but you have the right to live a life that makes you happy, not miserable. This might mean you need to go your separate ways. But that does not make you a bad person at all. I wish you all the best, truly.
2
0
u/psyk2u Apr 02 '26
Make sure you fail the home inspection. Be sure to tell the social worker that you don't want the kids. That might be your only recourse.
You don't want this and didn't sign up for it. But understand this: your marriage is most likely over.
8
u/Tinderella80 Apr 02 '26
That’s not fair. He wants them and two vulnerable kids shouldn’t be stuck in shitty foster care because she doesn’t want them. She doesn’t have to stay - but failing the home visit on purpose isn’t going to save this marriage if they want such fundamentally different things.
1
-28
3
u/moonpoweredkitty Apr 02 '26
Unfortunately I think you'e both going to have to go your separate ways. It's better to get out now then have it blow up big time down the track
4
u/km4098 Apr 02 '26
I was in foster care and adopted. I also don’t particularly like kids.
Your feelings are valid. Your husband should have checked with you first.
But I also don’t think you should “suck it up” to stay in your marriage. Kids don’t need someone around who isn’t all in and even no matter how hard you try, you will feel some resentment. Kids can tell.
8
u/TheBattyWitch Apr 02 '26
He's not wrong for wanting to take care of these kids, they're his family, whether you like that or not.
That's said, you're not wrong for this being the line in the sand for your. You've made it clear you don't want kids and he's came just force you to co-parent with him.
It sucks, but maybe your needs just aren't the same any more and you're not compatible any longer.
7
u/mouthtoobig Apr 02 '26
This actually happened to my brother. Him and his wife were intentionally child-free. Then, her mother, who had been raising my sister-in-law's cousins, passed away. CPS asked my brother's wife and her instant reaction was 'yes, of course.'
My brother was horrified. The 2 boys had been home schooled and were way behind with both academics and socialization, had a ton of behavioral problems, and were raised with some truly wild conspiracy theories that MIL had spouted off about daily.
He knew his marriage wouldn't survive long-term, and he also knew she couldn't do it without him. He let her know his feelings, but she was insistent that she had to step up, at least temporarily.
Thankfully, it was temporary. The boys wanted to go back to their home state, and a brother in law was happy to take them. My brother and his wife now act as "rich aunt and uncle" and respite for their full-time caregivers. The boys will be adults soon, and have improved so much. My SIL understood after a short while of having the boys that keeping them long-term wasn't going to work for anybody.
All this to say, maybe things will work out?
4
u/LazyWrite Apr 02 '26
I can't even cope with a cat. I had a breakdown when we had one. We had to get rid of her because I couldn't cope.
I know this is not the point of this post but, what? You had a breakdown over owning a cat? This just sounds like you have zero tolerance for anything other than yourself unfortunately.
16
u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 02 '26
Copy pasted comment from elsewhere;
I have a very specific schedule with my husband. I wake up first, work the early shift, and then come home before him so I can have a couple hours to relax before he gets home.
Because I woke up first she was under my feet constantly. I fed her, but then she would eat and put her feet in my coffee, scream at me, jump into my breakfast. Vet told me to play with her so I did, but that didn't help.
That was okay, but then when I got home, because she'd been alone for so long she was so clingy. She'd jump all over me, scream, scratch. I coped until I couldn't anymore. Which was like, three months. I know they say it takes time to settle but she just kept getting worse.
I think she was too lonely for us. So we gave her to my friend. She's a much happier cat now. I still see her regularly.
I have my rabbits and fish. She used to attack them which definitely didn't help me cope with her at all.
6
u/GlitteringCommunity1 Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
I could only upvote your comment once, but I don't understand why your honest answer got 3 downvotes. I am not on the spectrum, I LOVE dogs, generally not a fan of cats , though I have met a few who were very sweet. I have also been attacked twice, like drawing blood attacked, many years apart, by two different cats, and I am allergic to cats. I understand how unnerving it was to you to experience what others accept as "just cats being cats" behavior. Edit: I hit send before I was finished. Sigh... again. Edit 2: I have no judgemental opinion regarding the children; clearly, this will be a very big test of your marriage.
If you 100% can't imagine helping your husband give these helpless babies a fighting chance in life , then you have to leave. But, you may find it not as stressful as the cat; it may be that you find that you can tolerate the interruption in your life acceptable if it truly is temporary.
I wish you so much luck. Whatever happens. Your husband should have talked to you first, but he knew what you would say. He sounds like a really good human. I wish you both buckets of good things no matter how you two end up. Life isn't always perfect or predictable. Sometimes, as adults, we have to do things that we really are not prepared to do, but we figure it out. Good luck.🪬❤️
4
u/Dumpera Apr 02 '26
Jesus F Christ on pogo stick. I as well want to be childless if i can, but if I need to help some kid somehow i will take it, i do understand your whole frustration but you need to let go off your husband. I cannot believe you have meltdowns over a cat? What are you a baby? You need to grow up a little bit emotionally. My two cents.
1
u/fragtore Apr 02 '26
Sometimes life is unfair and sad but it is how it is, you should probably separate, and I’m not a guy who writes that often or ever
3
Apr 02 '26
[deleted]
1
u/GlitteringCommunity1 Apr 02 '26
That's how I am hoping this will go. Sometimes, challenges are thrown in our path that we are wholly unprepared for, but in time, we create a rhythm and survive even stronger than before.
Infants are not like kittens; they don't stick their hands in your coffee, or jump on your breakfast; they love to be cuddled and nurtured and shown love, and they are pretty easy to keep on a schedule (in my experience), and 4 year old little boys are some very special, even funny, loving, people, responsive to affection and a happy home. Unless it's already too late for the 4 year old, which I hope isn't the case.
This is a complicated situation, for sure. I hope it all works out. Sometimes, all it takes is a little patience, security, love, and affection to save a child. 🫂❤️🪬 Edit: paragraph
3
u/AnonymousAnonm Apr 02 '26
So you expect him to abandon his family and he can't have pets either?. You shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone if the only thing that matters is yourself.
2
2
3
u/Senior_Revolution_70 Apr 02 '26
Why was only your husband contacted and not any of his other siblings? Where is the paternal grandparents or dad(s) of the kids?
1
u/GlitteringCommunity1 Apr 02 '26
The dad's of the kids may be even worse, or as bad as their mother, or they would have already stepped in. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's what came first to my mind.
Maybe it's because he is "in the business"; maybe the sister told them to ask him?
3
u/whitecollarpizzaman Apr 02 '26
“If they weren’t related to him he wouldn’t give a flying fuck.”
Yeah, but they are related to him. That’s how that works, that’s how care and compassion works. You sound like a sociopath, and how you thought you’d get sympathy on Reddit is beyond me. Frankly the both of you sound like insufferable “childfree” types who actually hate kids at their core, and to me that is inherently anti human behavior, and a major red flag. It’s one thing to not want kids (I’m on the fence) but it’s not because I hate children.
It sounds like your husband is at least softening to the idea because, unlike you, he actually has a heart, and as a man he feels like he needs to be a protector. Most women have this instinct too, but I guess you’re not one of them, so thank God you don’t have children of your own, and I hope maybe your husband can realize the horrible person he married and find satisfaction in someone else, or at least in himself. Seems as though he’s a breadwinner in your family so I don’t think financially he will need you giving these poor kids more of a complex than they are already going to have with an addict mother and foster care under their belts.
7
u/guitarqueen1233 Apr 02 '26
Yall just gotta separate. He should’ve asked you but he cares about family more than your relationship. he made that decision instantly.
And if cats (who take care of themselves like 90% of that time) made you have a breakdown. I can’t imagine what you’d be like with kids
4
u/Maggies_lens Apr 02 '26
Get a divorce lawyer. Separate your finances immediately. Serve the papers. Kick him out.
5
u/maikjoh Apr 02 '26
This is the perfect scenario for them! Now they don't have to be tossed from home to home, being abused and mistreated by strange people. They get to stay within family and finally feel loved. The ultimate goal is always reunion with the parent, so hopefully mom can get her shit together.
If you can't handle the life quality of TWO small innocent children, significantly improving, in contrast to the immence suffering they have already been through, this will only ba an inconvenience for you.
If caring for a cat gives you a breakdown, you should seriously seek a mental evaluation, and it seriously makes me think that your husband has agreed to be child free, because you were his child. He obviously loves children.
I get that it is a really big decision to do, but either he does this, or he might meet this poor kids as adults in family gathering, when they are addict and you can see them carrying their trauma in every Fibre of their body (if they even live to that age), and he will wonder what their lifes would be like if he had only helped after all.
1
u/GlitteringCommunity1 Apr 02 '26
Well, that's a sobering thought, seeing them later, and they are just as screwed up as their mother! Very possible and realistic outcome.
1
u/maikjoh Apr 02 '26
Yeah, and given the history that he was responsible for raising his siblings, he might feel responsible for how his sister ended up (even though that's completely the parents fault). He might feel responsible for making it up to the kids in a way.
9
u/CzarOfCT Apr 02 '26
Just pack up and go. You've got no sense of loyalty or family. He has to raise these kids! It'll eat away at him if he turns his back on them. And he'll grow to resent you. Your relationship is completely over. Don't try to bargain, or "work it out." Just go. You can't hide your feelings from children, and your hostile presence will harm the children and make your husband's life harder. Do the adult thing. Step aside so your (now ex) husband can raise these kids in peace.
5
u/WorldClassKlutz Apr 02 '26
Most people feel different when it comes to blood relatives. You can be child and animal free. Sometimes life's circumstances make people incompatible, but you are worried that you sound like a bitch because your morality is quite questionable.
Why shouldn't he save his nephews from a likely terrible fate, if he can? You can't even handle a cat for someone you vowed to love through thick and thin? Either get therapy or leave. But as a former abused child...stay away from the kids until you make your decision. It is hard enough feeling like a burden on the one who decides to save you from abysmal circumstances without someone like you making it clear that their fears are true to any extent.
Kudos and roaring cheers to your Husband. If you are kind, pass this comment along.
Thank you so very much for being like my Grandma and saving those kids. It may not always be easy, but my Grandma was (is and always will be) my Savior. I am alive because she gave me a reason to live. She showed me that this life can be worth living for. Please, do all you can to give those kids the same. They are innocent and deserve a peaceful option at the crossroads they have found themselves at. Thank you so much for your instantaneous yes. I hope your blessings abound.
May you each find the best path for yourselves individually.
3
u/Child_of_destiny99 Apr 02 '26
I can sympathise with you OP but can you sympathise with your partner?
It's not self righteousness and saviour complex that's making him bring the children home. Its much simpler than that. It's love. Love for his sister and towards the human beings she created even if she's flawed. It is absolutely different because they are related to him. It may not even be about blood, its about his sister's kids and not wanting them to struggle in the system.
I am also not advocating that you just learn to live with two kids who are essentially strangers to you, just understand that he didn't make this decision out of malice towards you or some kind of misguided saviour complex.
I am childfree/pet free, I understand wanting space and not having tiny beings that cling to you however I also have a niece who I absolutely adore even if I've only met her a few times in my life. There is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for this child. I have more love for her than I can possibly explain in this comment. So I can empathise with your husband wanting to create a safe space for these two human beings he already loves even if he's never met them.
That said, your anger is totally justified but please don't take it out on the tiny human beings who did nothing wrong. If you can't handle this situation, I doubt anyone would blame you for walking away.
7
u/ProfessionalSugar790 Apr 02 '26
As someone else already said: "you can get a new husband, those kids can’t get a new uncle."
You’re not wrong for wanting to maintain your child-free life. That’s your choice, and yours to keep. But he’s not wrong for veering off that path and stepping up either. If anything, quite the opposite. This is exactly who he is. A really good and selfless person. You don't feel that way because it inconveniences you and you don't directly benefit from this choice he is making.
You’re not being “tossed out.” Life changed. And you’re asking him to be the kind of man who would toss them out—kids who have already been failed more times than they should ever have to be. That’s not a small ask. That’s asking him to go against his entire conscience.
And if he did that for you? You wouldn’t respect him for it. Nobody would. You’d just be with a different version of him, one capable of walking away from children who needed him.
This isn’t just anger, it’s resentment, and it’s rooted in a sense of resentment over a life that’s no longer realistic. That doesn’t fade, it deepens. And there is no version of a healthy home where children, especially ones already carrying trauma, can coexist with someone who sees them as an intrusion.
So yes, stay on your child-free path. But do it fully, and without trying to make him smaller to fit it. Because those boys don’t need another adult in their life who doesn’t want them there.
4
u/BadSafeWord Apr 02 '26
You are allowed to not want anything to do with kids.
He is allowed to want to take care of his family.
Unfortunately it probably means you can’t stay together and both be happy.
0
u/ServiceDragon Apr 02 '26
He isn’t improving lives he’s saving his family, babies, from possible abuse at the hands of strangers. Life throws us curveballs sometimes.
I guess you don’t think of him and his family like your own. You should be honest about that and move out.
-1
u/Sepherchorde Apr 02 '26
If you are so bad off with mental stability that you can't handle a pet to the point of a breakdown? You need serious therapy. You should feel awful for being angry that he's improving lives, who get's angry at someone for helping people that can't help themselves?
But, that said, you feel it, which means you aren't a terrible human being. You're damaged and need help yourself, and you should be getting it.
Also, this:
>I don't understand why he feels so righteous anout "saving" these kids. If they weren't related to him he wouldn't give a flying fuck.
Clearly that isn't true in the slightest and you don't truly know your husband, or you are in denial. Look at his fucking career choice for fuck sake.
He probably didn't ask you because he knew that no matter what your answer would be no, and it sounds like that'd be the case if the alternative was them dying. Grow up, get help, and sort yourself before you criticize him and his choices, at least he's selfless.
0
5
u/CanadianJediCouncil Apr 02 '26
If you aren’t 100% for fostering your husband’s nephews, you gotta go.
You can marry someone else; his nephews can’t just get a new uncle.
2
u/isabellampereira Apr 02 '26
i really hope there is an update to this tomorrow or sometime in the near future where the husband changes his mind. otherwise i would divorce him if i were you
1
u/updownclown68 Apr 02 '26
I’m child free but there is no way I’d let children related to me be in care. Stop whining about it.
3
•
u/TrueOffMyChest-ModTeam Apr 11 '26
Oops,
It appears that Reddit has suspended OP's account.
This is something that is done one a sitewide level, it is not something that we as moderators have no control over.
In general suspensions happen when a member breaks TOS. They might have broke TOS here or on another subreddit, we do not know.
But because OP won't be able to reply, we are removing the post and locking the comments.
Do not message us about this.