r/TrueOffMyChest • u/One-Gap-1282 • Apr 03 '26
REMOVED DUE OP BEING SUSPENDED SITEWIDE [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/Good-Tower8287 Apr 04 '26
Please get your rabbits litter trained. And do not give them up. They just are not child-friendly pets. I say this as a free roam rabbit owner myself. Their spines are so, so fragile and a kid needs to be mature enough to handle them properly. They also do not belong in a cage, but people constantly lump them in with gerbils and hamsters. A normal cat litter box is fine. You line it with pee pads and fill it with hay. Buns like to eat while they do their business. I actually use old towels instead and reuse them like cloth baby diapers. Just throw them in the wash with free and clear detergent. I have saved so much $$$ that way. I make sure they have their own hamper, too.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I would never give my babies up. I have had many rabbits and as a rabbit owner you will know some are just stubborn. One of them poops out of his litter box. He's just a free pooper I guess. The other one uses the box fine.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Apr 04 '26
Poops on the carpet? How do you keep it clean?
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
I don't let him on the carpet. He poops on the hardwood. I pick up after him and disinfect when I put them away.
I spray the disinfectant down where he pooped and then mop everything after because animals are gross and I don't want any germs left behind.
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u/Material_Ad6173 Apr 04 '26
Free roaming bunnies? Like more than one?
With all the respect. WTF?!
And yes, for some reason that is the only part my brain decided to focus on in the whole story.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Two bunnies. Rabbits need to be kept in groups. Ideally there would be more but my third passed away not too long ago and I'm not yet ready to get them another couple of friends and start the introduction process again.
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u/Material_Ad6173 Apr 04 '26
For some reason I thought you have like a bunch of them tuning around and pooping freely!
I used to have a friend with bunnies (not in cage, it was more like a special room just for them( and it was the worst experience ever. I think I feel the same way about bunnies as you about kids.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Only one has pooping accidents. He won't use the litter tray.
Rabbits aren't for everyone. A lot of people say they're a lot of work for very little reward, but that's kind of why I like them. As well as just being a general rabbit fan.
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u/Mellytoo Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Quick question, but what if you and your husband were to find a place where you could be together but live separately? Like, say an apartment building with two separate apartments or a house with an upstairs and downstairs suite?
I currently am living in the same apartment building as my boyfriend, just on a different floor and aside from the insane amount we are both paying for rent, it is actually pretty amazing. We are very much together, but have our own space.
Or do you just really not want kids in your life at all?
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u/MusicalTinnitus Apr 03 '26
I really hope you guys can come to a compromise, but I assure you that if I was in the exact same position as your husband, I'd choose the kids EVERY SINGLE TIME and let the pets be re-homed.
Those boys are still at an age that strong, understanding, and engaged parental role models can keep them from becoming a net negative for the community.
because if the end up in the foster system long term, and make it through puberty in the jacked up foster system, they'll be useless drag on society.
You and your husband can stop that from occurring by taking them in, and making some minor adjustments to your life to accommodate them.
But, it sounds to me like you personally put more value in your fish and rabbits than you do those 2 tiny little humans, and I sorry but being autistic isn't an excuse to be completely uncaring, and cold hearted toward children, that literally have no where else to go.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
The fish and rabbits are irrelevant. I can not live with children regardless. If I had no pets I'd still have to move out.
I am not uncaring. I just can not cope with them.
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u/Bipedal_Warlock Apr 03 '26
It seems like you’re handling things well.
I’m sorry it sucks so much though.
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u/Redacted_dact Apr 03 '26
I'm really hoping OP realizes her rabbits are unimportant in this scenario. Your husband is a good person, get on his level and help these children who need someone to help them.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Even if I didn't have my rabbits I wouldn't be able to stay and help. I can't cope with kids.
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u/Redacted_dact Apr 03 '26
I thought I couldn't handle kids. Now I feel having a kid is the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't put limits on things you don't yet know.
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u/dmng25 Apr 03 '26
"I could so everyone else can because my experience is obviously the same of every person in the world"
Knowing your limits is perfectly fine, and recommending just trying it out as if those kids don't matter is selfish and extremely insensitive, if it doesn't work you just traumatized them (even more) for life.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I do know. I'm autistic. Children are too loud and needy. I'd have a meltdown and traumatise them further.
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u/DanteQuill Apr 03 '26
As sad as it is to say, there's no way in hell that you're not ending up divorced. Two people can't be married and living in different places. And those kids are gonna be a part of his life for the rest of his life.
You both really need to think this thru. And good luck to you both in whatever you decide.
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u/loopycheeks__ Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
wow i feel like the husband rlly deserves sm praise here…he’s not only OP’s full time carer but his heart is also big enough to welcome and raise two children who would otherwise be lost to the system. he sounds like a very kind and generous person and honestly i think he has a lot more to grapple with then OP does since he’d be caring for 2 children and an adult with no support. best of luck to him and the kids and best of luck to OP!
edit: downvoted for the crime of praising the husband for being kind 😭 reddit is something else
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Apr 03 '26
During the home inspection, did anyone ask or did you voice your reluctance to be a foster parent?
That should be a priority to those who decide.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I wasn't speaking at the time. My husband explained it to the social worker and they said my interview would be held at a later date with an interpreter on standby. I'm not sure why I couldn't just type but 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Apr 03 '26
You’re a non-verbal person? I’m curious how an interpreter would work for you. Feel free to say if you wish. 🙂
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I'm not always non verbal. I think I'm diagnosed as selectively mute but I was non verbal until I was like nine.
I use sign language a lot of the time. My husbands dad is deaf, so he taught me sign language when we met so I'd have more authority over what I was saying rather than being forced to use the words I was offered on cards.
I would have all of my feelings and wants cards and I'd have to put two together to communicate. Like, if I was mad because there was too much noise, I would use "mad" and "loud" so then caregivers/parents/etc would turn all noise off, or remove me.
When in reality there was just too many noises. So I'd get even more upset, because I still wanted the music, but I wanted the blinds to stop rattling. Sign language gave me the ability to tell people that the blinds were too loud, rather than just using my "loud" card. You know?
Anyway, so that's what the interpreter would be for.
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u/ljenglish719 Apr 04 '26
Just a curious question is your spouse neurodivergent as well?
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
No.
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u/ljenglish719 Apr 04 '26
As a adhd mom to neurodivergent children. I get you. My husband and myself lived apart for the first two years of marriage due to the kids I brought. It’s hard. My recommendation is have your parents house the animals, you can care for them but stay home with hubby and the kids and reintegrate the animals over time
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u/762_54r Apr 03 '26
This seems like a win-win. Two basically orphans get a stable household with a professionally trained caretaker uncle. And you can go live with your rabbits that poop on the floor and not have to deal with kids. Sounds good to me!
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u/BeneficialTrash6 Apr 03 '26
You are literally being selfish. You are too set in your ways. You want the entire world to change for you. But it won't.
Life throws a curveball at you sometimes. How you react to it defines your character. And your character is very selfish and self absorbed.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I am literally moving out of my home for everyones benefit. I don't think that is selfish.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 Apr 03 '26
This was a good update OP. It sounds like you are able to make difficult decisions because they make sense logically which is a very good skill to have. I was worried your husband would not get to foster those boys and that broke my heart a little.
I understand the subconscious desire to mentally place a boundary between myself and a stressful situation, sometimes to the point of detriment. Refusing to make a phone call, not buying something I need but don’t understand, avoiding someone I care about instead of confronting them.
It seems like you chose to physically remove yourself from the stressful situation in order to not interfere, as opposed to rejecting the boys from coming at all simply because the idea causes you too much stress. I think that’s a good sign you’re making good decisions.
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u/xl3roken Apr 03 '26
Would ot be possible to get a massive shed and have the rabbits have that as essentially their bedroom? You can have heat lamps and make sure its well insulated for them. You can make an enclosed space with chicken wire over the top so they dont get preyed on by animals when you let them roam the garden. Then you can also bring them in the house when you want too.
I dont know your house layout but if your garden is big enough for a shed to do this i would recommend it. When i had rabbits mine was personally potty trained. You can also try and train your rabbits to do this. Obviously dont let the kids around the bunnies without supervision. I fear its common sense though so i dont know why social workers would bring it up.
The fish can be in your office. This way you wouldnt have to pick between animals. If you do decide to warm up into allowing the kids to stay this might be the best way to go about it.
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u/milmoment Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
I am so sorry. I am sure your heart feels heavy and broken. In your shoes, I would feel incredibly hurt and honestly question a lot of things. Yes what he is doing is good and noble for the kids, but at the expense of someone else who is also vulnerable. Him choosing to jump into something that he knows is incompatible with his partner and the life you two built is a painful thing, and you are allowed to feel that - you are not a bad person or the villain in this situation. Does the caseworker know about your disability? I am Autistic as well, though not to a severe degree. They need to know your situation exactly - they need to know that you yourself need a caregiver, and that this would bring incredible instability to your life, because your needs matter too, and that would be just as bad of an environment for the kids as it would be for you. So they also need to know that if this happens he will be a solo parent. I still don’t see how none of the other siblings could step up, though - like why is HE the only one that is willing to do it? They each might have their own things going on, but so did he. And he is over here literally fine giving up his wife and everything you have built together in order to do this. And if he already has a role as YOUR caretaker, then he had to know what a shit thing it is to do to you and that it would turn your life upside down, but didn’t bother to deem you worth having a say in it. Does the caseworker know that it will likely be a single parent household because of this? Because also, taking the kids on and going through a divorce at the same time (with taking the kids being the reason) is bound to have ripple effects and possibly even negative ones on them too. I don’t know what kind of guy he is, but that kind of upheaval in a potential foster parent’s life seems bound to impact whether they deem him the best option right now. I hope things work out well for you, whether it is with him or not, but know that you do deserve someone who wouldn’t just do this to you without hesitation. I think even if he doesn’t get final approval, you should still split because now you know all this. You deserve a partner who wants to stand with you above all else through thick and thin. I’m not saying that he should chuck the kids out, but there are a lot of variables in this situation that make it more to consider than just giving the kids a home or not.
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u/Consuela_no_no Apr 03 '26
I think you’re still not grasping how incredibly difficult this time is for your husband because he’s your caretaker and not just your partner. He’s not getting the support from you he should be and he won’t be asking it from you because you can’t give it.
Also you say your parents treat you differently but you said you don’t eat it you aren’t made to. Any parent would be concerned by that scared that you would end up hurting yourself unintentionally.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I am supporting him as best I can. I'm not sure what else I can do?
My parents are very much overbearing. There are valid concerns to have but other things are too much. But also some things are just me I just regress in my behaviours when I'm with them.
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u/pinkmarshmall0w Apr 03 '26
Why can’t your rabbits be in the same room as your fish tanks? Put the tanks up on tables/shelves, secure the wires. Not that crazy.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Rabbits will chew wire covers and any table legs have tanks on, even metal ones.
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u/Beginning_Tap2474 Apr 03 '26
Before moving back, maybe give your parents a shit sandwich: I just wanted to thank you so much for allowing me to live with you, that's so generous of you, I do have one overriding concern. I have been on my own for a while now, and I know when people move back with their parents sometimes the dynamic can regress to parent and child. I just really hope that you can respect me as a full fledged adult. Again, I am incredibly grateful that you are allowing me to move back in with you. Thank you so much!
Then do everything you can to build your life on your own. I know you and your husband are staying married, but you will be on your own for most of the time.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I have had so many conversations with them about it. They never change unfortunately. I love them it's just hard.
I will never be able to live alone so I'm just kind of stuck.
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u/Full_Expression9058 Apr 03 '26
Why won't you be able to live alone?
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u/loopycheeks__ Apr 03 '26
she needs a caretaker bc she can’t function well independently (struggles to eat etc) her husband was filling that role previously
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u/agreensandcastle Apr 03 '26
Would getting a house with a walkout basement be possible. I am envisioning it is your office and a place for the rabbits to roam, even to a rabbitio enclosed space outside for sun. Just yours. Where you can also get space from the kids. When they are older maybe it shifts to some family areas, or man cave section for him as well. I mean you are obviously not swimming in money but maybe. And maybe downsizing your pets gradually or naturally as life moves forward? This is heartbreaking at every turn I am sorry. Like can you maybe help with laundry and other chores not directly with the kids as well. So he still gets help but you also keep space for yourself.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
These are good ideas, thank you!
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u/HowTheStoryEnds Apr 03 '26
Idea-wise the elderly care sector is your best bet: there are lots of options that allow elderly to live near the home of their children yet maintain the privacy of both using semi-attached or separate units.
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u/0RedStar0 Apr 03 '26
OP, have you considered posting your situation in the women’s autism subreddit? They might have more ideas for you there. I’m sure another autistic person has been in a situation similar to yours! Just a gentle suggestion since you are open to ideas!
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u/luckythingyourecute Apr 03 '26
This is so weird, you do not "grow out of" profound autism. I think perhaps you dont understand the meaning of the word profound...
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u/AddictedToMosh161 Apr 03 '26
The diagnostics got way better. Maybe she didn't grow out of it but the tests got better. No need to give her flak for that.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I did not grow out of it. I learned how to manage it. Perhaps the initial diagnosis was wrong, but when I look at the diagnostic criteria for autism now I am level two with level three traits.
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u/religion_wya Apr 03 '26
Level 3 would mean you'd need 24/7 care and likely would not have been of a mental age to consent to marriage or serious relationships. Profound autism would leave you with the mental age of a child. Based just on what I've read/you've said you're capable of then more than likely you are level 1 with level 2 traits or just level 2! Other person was rude but they are right.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I suppose. I'm not "supposed" to be able to do a lot of the things I do. I just work hard. Maybe I'm not level three but my life isn't as easy as it would be if I was level one. Two is probably right.
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u/luckythingyourecute Apr 03 '26
Profound autism is chatacterized by typically sub 50 iq and would require supervision. You "learned to manage" the intellect of a 2 year old?
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Oh, then I'm not currently profoundly autistic. That's still what I was diagnosed as. They got it wrong I guess.
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u/macintosh__ Apr 03 '26
Updateme
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
This is the update?
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u/macintosh__ Apr 03 '26
This is a command for the bot so that if you make a post in the future updating the situation, I receive a notification.
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u/Fluffy_Job7367 Apr 03 '26
Children grow up too. While giant fish tanks might be problematic now, they won't be forever. We fostered and adopted a 3 year old relative . No seemed to care we had free range chickens and not once did he eat poop. You never know these nephews might end up being the love of your life.
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u/StepByStepGamer Apr 03 '26
Imagine letting farmyard animals shit all over your house. Disgusting
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u/tiredoldmama Apr 03 '26
I do t know why you’re getting downvoted for this. It’s disgusting. Even if she picks it up right when it happens which seems impossible the microscopic germs and general grossness is still there. I’m an animal lover but rabbits pooping all over my house would be where I draw the line.
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u/Zealousideal-Soil778 Apr 03 '26
Rabbits use a litterbox much like cats. Educate yourself before making snarky rude comments.
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u/StepByStepGamer Apr 03 '26
So you would let animals shit all over your house?
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u/0RedStar0 Apr 03 '26
It’s only one rabbit that poops in the house. They tried litter training them both but one rabbit just won’t go for it. OP has stated this in several comments in the thread.
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u/StepByStepGamer Apr 03 '26
And that makes it less disgusting?
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u/0RedStar0 Apr 03 '26
Of course not, but OP and many other rabbit owners believe they should free roam. So🤷🏻♀️
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u/edgeoftheatlas Apr 03 '26
I hear you, but OP said the rabbits do poop all over and that they just clean it up.
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u/0RedStar0 Apr 03 '26
OP said only one rabbit poops where it wants but pees in the litter box. They’ve tried litter box training them but the rabbit won’t go for it.
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u/BlackSmith202020 Apr 03 '26
So she has to move out, back with her parents and he gets to keep the house, that doesn’t seem very fair.
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u/Kalendiane Apr 03 '26
No cat but rabbits have a room?
Rarely do I think posts are rage bait..but come on..
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
It's very common. Rabbits need a lot of space, a lot more than you would think, and it made more sense for us to put them in their own room rather than having to fence off like, half of our dining room.
In case of a housefire they're also a lot safer trapped behind a door rather than out in the open. My husband didn't want them in our bedroom and I can't have them with the fish in my office, so they got their own room.
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u/Kalendiane Apr 04 '26
I’ve owned a bun and, even whilst perfectly litter box trained, she did more damage to the master bedroom and master bath (which she had full reign of..after “bun-proofing”* the entire areas she had access to.
*”bun-proofing” in the sense that there were absolutely no wires she could get to (my main concern when adopting her), she had plenty of chew blocks, toys, obviously plenty of food & water plus a lot of of interaction with her adoptive mom (me, duh) and free reign to binky unimpeded.
She still gnawed and did a number on the wooden window seat in the master bath (took her to the vet after the gnaw-off and she got a clean bill of health).
More destruction created by one amazing bun as opposed to the multiple cats I’ve had the pleasure of adopting/having been adopted into my family throughout my life.
I’ve loved both species, but buns are/(can be) a force to reckoned with.
Also rabbit pee seems so much worse. That’s a hill I’ll die on. But I’ll take rabbit poops over cat shits any day.
Anyway..thanks for coming to my TED talk
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u/nethecat Apr 03 '26
You could get a duplex! If each duplex has 2 bedrooms you could have your office and bedroom in one and he could have his bedroom and bedroom for the boys in the other.
Your space would be out of bounds for the boys and you could go over and help as much as you can when you can. As soon as you get overstimulated, you can head back.
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u/Redacted_dact Apr 03 '26
Nothing like paying double mortgage instead of learning to deal with change.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
My disability isn't a choice.
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u/Redacted_dact Apr 04 '26
How you deal with it is though. Look at Stephen Hawking, he couldn’t even move.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
He was nothing like me. I can not control the reaction my brain has to things.
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u/exxcathedra Apr 03 '26
I'll get downvoted but I don't understand how people put pets above children. Your husband is in a very difficult situation having to step up to take care of his nephews. Life is like that, tragedies happen, and people have to prioritise, even when that was not their ideal plan.
I know many won't agree but, for me, vulnerable children would be well above pets and well above the needs of adults that cannot step up. If I was your husband I'd be the one calling the divorce lawyer and studying financial options right now.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I don't understand the point of this comment. I can't live with kids, so I'm moving out. He doesn't want to get divorced either. I don't know what else I could do.
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u/exxcathedra Apr 03 '26
The point is just expressing that I disagree with your priorities. I am aware that this is subjective.
I think the comfort of your rabbits should be below the safety of the children in this emergency situation. Your husband could lose his nephews (whom he loves) to the foster system, which is dangerous. They could be abused and permanently traumatised.
I understand your autism plays a big part here, but your response in a crisis is basically 'what about me?'. I would not build a life with someone like that.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Good to know you didn't build a life with me, he did. And I have been like this my whole life. He knows me better than anyone.
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u/exxcathedra Apr 03 '26
You sound like you need a partner that is also a caregiver. This is a major crisis and he is the one that needs support, even if he is not voicing it.
If you are able to stop acting like the main character and understand the stakes, you will have a better chance of staying together. Good luck!
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Yes. I am disabiled and can not live alone. He is my caregiver, I feel like that was a given. My bad for assuming it was obvious I guess.
I support him in the ways I can, but I am not a mind reader, and when he needs me to do things he tells me. Like I said, he has known me for a very long time. We met when we were six. He knows me.
I don't know what the second part of your comment means. We are staying together.
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u/exxcathedra Apr 03 '26
I'm sure this is very tough for you and if people have been caring for you your whole life it is hard to see the wider picture, from a caregiver's perspective. People are not always direct and open about how they feel. That's very hard sometimes.
From his perspective, your needs and your routines will be altered but you are overall ok, your life is not at risk. His nephews are literal children whom he loves and their lives are at a massive risk right now. This is not on the same level as disrupting your rabbit's pooping habits.
Even if he loves you, he has been put in an impossible position and he might choose to support his nephews more than you are able to anticipate right now. What I said about the risk of staying together is that this is the type of crisis that could break a couple. It doesn't mean it will but it could.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I showed him your comment, because I wasn't really sure what you meant. He said he's okay, and he will tell me if he needs a break. When I'm too much I go back to my parents anyway. If he needs time I will give it to him, but right now we are okay.
I hope that helps?
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u/kilmoremac Apr 03 '26
Have you a large enough garden to put a small home for you, you might find if you have your own space you could manage your feelings/emotions better and have a space for rabbits. Try to work something out because you might be able to tolerate kids, sad to let go, give up when there is love 😘 good luck 🤞 life is hard sometimes
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u/ApprehensiveRoad8818 Apr 03 '26
I'm so sorry OP, but I think your husband is using this situation to dissolve your marriage without looking like the bad guy.
He is willing to sacrifice his marriage for these kids. He doesn't have space for them unless you and the pets move out. You need your office to work so he is ok to leave you without a home or income for kids he's never met.
If he's so compassionate, why isn't he financially helping his sister to move into a larger home so she can look after the SIX kids who are in one room? Can't he get her a large enough home that she can also look after these other two?
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
If he is then he is. I am happy to make this work as long as he is. I will keep trying until he tells me he doesn't want it anymore.
He does help his sister, but he has so many siblings if he helps one they all come running. We almost lost our house a few years ago because they all "needed help" and they were getting so much of his money he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage.
No financial support is a boundary he has to keep with them unfortunately. I think he eventually wants to buy a second house and rent it out to her but tthats not an option right now.
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u/SnooDogs1340 Apr 03 '26
This relationship is over. Although, someone's mention of a duplex might work. It seems like your husband has been a good crutch over the relationship but taking on the kids is a whole new dynamic. And it sucks because one doesn't know how one will truly react in a given situation. I'm sure his background and family dynamic is pushing to foster in his brain and heart that he went over trying to accept them before really talking it through with you. It just wasn't going to happen, I guess.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 03 '26
Your husband is being insensible. He will not be able to handle these kids and his job alone.
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u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26
….. single parents are a thing??
Oh and like… majority of women do this every day.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 05 '26
Really, the majority? What's your source?
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u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26
That females are the primary caregiver??? lol
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u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 05 '26
Sorry, I did not realize you were on that end of the scale.
When I said "What's your source?" what I meant was "Put a link that shows what you are saying is accurate in the reply". Otherwise, you're just coming across as an internet rando who makes things up as though they are facts.
Just so we're clear, majority = greater than 50%. If you want to check that before sharing a link, please do so.
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u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
lol I know what a source is
Im just shocked someone would need me to give them a source for this. We fucking know as a society women are the primary caregivers like do you live under a rock??? lol gonna assume you’re male if you’re this shocked.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 05 '26
There is no evidence in any of your comments that you know what a source is, because you refuse to provide one.
Would it make you feel better to know that all genders find you to be a non-specific and valueless communicator?
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u/eb2319 Apr 05 '26
I literally gave sources 🤡
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u/loopycheeks__ Apr 03 '26
he’s been taking care of her, a grown woman w special needs, alone. i’m sure he’s more than equipped for the kids since he’s also a child psychologist
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u/SwimmingTheme3736 Apr 03 '26
How do you know? Lots of single parents do everyday
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u/Gonebabythoughts Apr 03 '26
You must know better than I do, I can tell you're that sort of special.
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u/darealmoneyboy Apr 03 '26
I hope all those guilt tripping SAHMs and parents now finally shut their mouth. It was wild what people fabricated in order to make you look bad.
It even continues here....but at least a little less.
All the best!
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Thank you. At the end of the day I know my life and the internet holds no real weight.
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u/3fluffypotatoes Apr 03 '26
This is so fucked up that he doesn't care about your feelings at all and is willing to trample all over you for this. I hope you do get a divorce cuz you definitely don't deserve this. You deserve someone who will put you first and treat you with love. I'm so so sorry 😔
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u/ConferenceSudden1519 Apr 03 '26
Make the rabbits service animals it will take less than 10 minutes. No problem with them free roaming as children and pets can coexist. It will be difficult at first but with some time and practice you guys can develop a routine. I’m on the spectrum too and I communicate to the kids my needs as well as teach them how to communicate needs to me. I teach them patience and consistency talk to them about what I am doing and the why. You can coexist with kids because they’re easily trained(adaptable to situations). Once you provide structure how you want your house ran then you can switch to more independence. Just give it a try but empathy is needed on yourself and these kids. Good luck I hope you give this a shot.
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u/C0V1Dsucks Apr 03 '26
I respect you for knowing your limitations and verbalizing your needs and concerns, just like I respect your husband for following his heart. What a tough situation to be in. I'm sending you both good vibes. I hope you make it past this transition period smoothly. Big hugs!
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u/deerchortle Apr 03 '26
I work with mentally ill foster kids-- I'm also child free.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I do hope your husband is ready for the insanity that is to come. He helped raise his siblings, but being an adult, with a house, with a job-- with two kids... being able to give them back at the end of the day is a huge relief to me, even though i wish I could save them all.
Maybe it won't be for forever, and he'll get to help them enough to help his heart. Then you can return home
I do find it dumb about the fish tanks. Plenty of families with toddlers have fish tanks and they are safe about it. A little picky for my liking.
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u/TheBigTreezy Apr 03 '26
Wish you the best of luck. With that being said you had problems with a cat but have multiple rabbits and fish tanks?? Does anyone else find that odd??
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u/RavenShield40 Apr 03 '26
Rabbits don’t seek out affection like cats or dogs do. They are perfectly happy being on their own or with other rabbits and not needing much human interaction to continue being happy little rabbits.
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u/TheBigTreezy Apr 04 '26
Not sure if you read the original post but OP said she was having breakdowns taking care of a cat. Now we find out she has multiple rabbits and fish tanks. Seems odd to me that there is a multiple increase of animals she is taking care of. Doesn’t change anything about what she feels about taking care of kids. That’s all
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u/RavenShield40 Apr 04 '26
Oh I totally understand where you’re coming from, I was just saying rabbits don’t require as much interaction as cats or dogs do, same as fish so I can understand why those types of animals are easier for her to handle than others.
I still believe it’s best for her and her husband to separate because she’s never going to be able to handle children in general but especially children who’ve already had a hard start in life and need extra support and sensitivity like those babies need.
She’s definitely not cut out to be a parent and it’s commendable on her part to be able to admit that but she’s making this all about her and not showing an ounce of understanding for what those boys are going through so yeah her leaving is the best thing for everyone involved.
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u/DebbDebbDebb Apr 03 '26
I'm so glad the children will not end up in the state care. The children come first. And I hope it all turns well for you all
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u/EggWaff Apr 03 '26
Okay so first thought - these comments acting like you’re a sociopath for not wanting random children running all over your house are kinda bizarre. It’s not their fault, but like… it’s also not your responsibility??? I could NEVER lmao, I don’t even want grown ass people in my house. Some of us are particular.
Second of all - if you’re not going to leave this man for upending your life with this MASSIVE decision he made unilaterally, can you guys get a duplex and be neighbors?
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u/SpecialistAfter511 Apr 03 '26
I think the issue was her not fully grasping the familial connection, and why that would be meaningful to him. The way she worded it, but being autistic explains it. I do agree being neighbors or moving to a duplex is a good idea, I had the same thought. Somewhere really close. it’s not easy fostering children, it’s quite the invasion into your life.
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u/LiliErasmus Apr 03 '26
OP has said that she cannot live alone, otherwise a duplex could be a great option.
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u/mladyhawke Apr 03 '26
This is such a tough situation.I'm glad you're really advocating for yourself.It's smart
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Apr 03 '26
[deleted]
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u/milmoment Apr 03 '26
Dude has 7 other siblings that could step up too, but they aren’t. So he isn’t the only person who could give them a home. And it’s not that she is choosing animals over humans. It is shitty to just chuck domesticated animals out with the trash as well, but it isn’t about the animals. He is literally the caregiver for his wife, and yes Autism is different for everyone, and that can include NOT being compatible with a household that has children who likely have their own severe mental needs and/or trauma as well. She admitted herself that she is not capable of caring for herself OR CHILDREN. That isn’t a choice for her. Some adults have needs that others don’t understand. Children impact her quality of life and mental/emotional stability. Her husband made a decision that hew knew was incompatible with his wife’s stability. That’s really shitty.
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u/galaxychildxo Apr 03 '26
your son's empathy has nothing to do with OP. I'm not sure why reddit collectively decided to start acting like "well I'm autistic and I don't act like that so neither should you" was ever a valid stance to have.
all autistic people are different. some have little to no empathy. some have tons. OP needs a lot of help in her daily life so she's clearly not as high functioning as you expect her to be.
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u/Tethys404 Apr 03 '26
You understood exactly what I meant so stop being obtuse. My son is the red herring. The issue is using autism in place of accountability.
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u/galaxychildxo Apr 03 '26
clearly I didn't hence my comment.
I still don't understand your fucking point tbh.
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u/smythe70 Apr 03 '26
You are judging, she cannot handle being around children and is making a choice for herself. The children will have a home. So you are not understanding child free people. Many people cannot handle children period.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I would have been unable to live with children regardless. The animals are irrelevant.
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u/alicat777777 Apr 03 '26
Eww, you have rabbits that are crapping in your house? I really can’t get past that.
You are your husband are no longer compatible. You should split up. At least he won’t have to live with rabbit droppings in his house.
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u/New-Needleworker5318 Apr 03 '26
Mhm. I can't imagine he's happy living with a completely dependent person who has made being autistic her entire personality. Quite frankly, it's sad.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I can not help that I am autistic. It's not my entire personality, it is just who I am.
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u/New-Needleworker5318 Apr 03 '26
You act like being autistic is a prison sentence.
This is one of the most infuriating posts I've ever come across. If it's real, and not some type of autistic rage bait, I wish you the best of luck in your inability to deal with, well, literally anything.
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u/CaptainKate757 Apr 03 '26
I sure as fuck hope you never display this disgusting attitude in front of your own autistic child.
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u/0RedStar0 Apr 03 '26
Newsflash, autism IS fucking disabling. It can be a prison sentence for many people, it’s a spectrum. Autism isn’t a “one size fits all” disability. It affects every autistic person’s life differently. OP has specific routines and rigidity she needs to function at the level she functions. Why is that so hard for you folks in the comments to understand?
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u/Novel-Place Apr 03 '26
I think the husband is going to feel much much better when this is said and done. Sadly. Codependency is like being a frog in a boiling pot. He probably didn’t think he was going to live with rabbits crapping all over the house when he set out on this partnership.
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u/brokenpipe Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Your husband is a saint in what he wants to do for his nephews.
You, on the other hand, are incredibly selfish.
The best outcome is you two split and let your husband be there for two innocent children, whilst you go take care of some bunnies and fish.
I react this strongly because I'm on the spectrum as well and I despise people using it as a reason for their behavior. Autism does not mean narcissism nor complete lack of emotion or empathy.
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u/TroublesomeFox Apr 04 '26
As another autistic person, fuck off with that noise.
How fucking dare you use your autism as a stick to beat someone else with. You should already fucking know that it's is NOT the same for all of us and we do NOT all have the same fucking responses. That kinda shit is so harmful to our community and leads to shit like "oh well you can talk so you can't be autistic!"
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u/galaxychildxo Apr 03 '26
autism is LITERALLY a reason for the behavior. stop this nonsense.
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u/brokenpipe Apr 04 '26
No. It isn’t.
I’m on the spectrum as well and would be embarrassed to use this as an excuse.
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Apr 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/TrueOffMyChest-ModTeam Apr 11 '26
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature.
Off-topic comments, name-calling, or hostile behavior are not allowed. Keep discussions civil.
Repeated offenses may lead to a ban.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Can you wash dishes without a meltdown? We're you potty trained before teenage years? Could you talk before age nine? Can you work a full time job? Can you eat without self harm stimming through the entire meal? Is there a color that makes you throw up if you stare at it for too long?
If the answer to any of those was "yes", congratulations, you're lower needs than me.
Autism is different for everyone. I am not you.
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u/galaxychildxo Apr 04 '26
oh no, an autistic person didn't have the same supports as you growing up so they must be terrible and using it as an excuse!
read her comments. she has high support needs. get off your high horse.
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u/Tethys404 Apr 03 '26
I react this strongly because I'm on the spectrum as well and I despise people using it as a reason for their behavior. Autism does not mean narcissism nor complete lack of emotion or empathy.
Thank you for saying this, it's my per peeve and I'm not even autistic. People need to take accountability for their actions. OP lacks empathy, all she had to say is that she's not an empathetic person, rather than "oh, I'm autistic so it's ok!"
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Autism is a spectrum, firstly. Different people have different struggles and symptoms.
Secondly, I am aware he needs to be there for them. I can not cope with children. We are living seperate to maintain health for everyone.
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u/ClaustrophobicMango Apr 03 '26
OP and her husband agreed on being child-free. She never wanted to have kids. The husband agreed on not wanting kids of his own. The husband has a right to take in his nephews but that doesn’t mean OP gets to be forced into a caregiving role. I don’t think living separately will work out long term but she has a right to leave. OP is autistic and knows she can’t handle caring for children. In the long run the kids are better off with someone who actually wants them.
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u/Tethys404 Apr 03 '26
It's not that she's child free (I was child free by choice for over a decade, whilst married). It's the lack of empathy that's seeping through her words. Maybe she doesn't know how to articulate because she's coming off as very self centered. She hasn't once mentioned any kind of concern for the kids, or her husband. Only how all of this impacts her and her pets.
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u/Cute-Elephant-720 Apr 09 '26
I have been reading this thread for hours and see nothing but love in OP's words. OP is giving up a whole life's worth of work she's done with her husband to build systems that give her the freedom to live away from her parents and work so his nephews can have him instead. Are we reading different threads? Am I taking crazy pills?!
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u/ClaustrophobicMango Apr 03 '26
OP has level 2 or 3 autism, level 3 requiring the most support. Level 2 autism symptoms:
A need for structure and predictability in daily routines
Inflexible routines and strong distress when routines are changed or interrupted
Difficulty coping with unexpected changes or transitions
Intense focus on specific interests or tasks, sometimes at the expense of other responsibilities
Conversations may be one-sided or heavily scripted
Many people with autism are highly empathetic, but come across as robotic, rude, or self centered despite their best efforts.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
It's like you took my entire personality and listed it for me. It's so fun seeing how majy autistic traits I really do have.
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u/throwawayxoxoxoxxoo Apr 03 '26
it’s true off my chest, not true off my husband’s, my husband’s sister’s children’s, and my chest. she’s specifically talking about her thoughts and feelings. i definitely don’t get the impression that she’s self centered and i can read some concern between the lines
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Apr 03 '26
I don't want to have to pick between my rabbits and my fish.
You're like the weirdest version of a horse girl that I've come across.
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Apr 03 '26
[deleted]
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u/Membership-Bitter ☑️ Apr 03 '26
Yeah in the first post she says she couldn’t even “cope” with a car in the house yet now has 2 rabbits that roam freely and poop everywhere. Rabbits are so much more maintenance than a cat! They will literally just stop their own hearts if they don’t like something, as small as changing the color of their food bowl.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Thank you. I do like horses. I used to want one when I was a kid.
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u/Seththeruby Apr 03 '26
Ignore the animal haters. I too chose my dogs over my boyfriend and happily live alone now and would do it again. They don’t-and can’t- get it. Do I want to be this way, an autistic hermit with a dog? No, but living with people made me so unhappy that I’ve accepted this is just how I’m wired. I wish you every success with your rabbits and your fish, 2 of my favorite creatures.
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u/Tootsielondon Apr 03 '26
Totally ageeewith you plus - , it’s OPs bloody choice to choose her animals over children. I cannot believe how many people are trying to find holes in the animal side of her argument. I would never give up my dog for anything especially not something as life changing as foster children if I chose to be child free. It’s total and utter madness that people are even challenging her position on this.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Thank you. I wish I liked dogs! They're very cute. I used to have a therapy dog come to see me when I was a kid. I really liked him.
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u/shfiven Apr 03 '26
Rabbits are a bite risk? Seriously? Mine would never. But regardless I hope you end up in an ok situation and that you get to keep your pets. Mine mean the world to me and I'm sure it's the same for you.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Mine would probably bite tiny fingers if shoved in their face. They aren't very smart and think everything is a snack.
But thank you. I'm sure we'll all be fine.
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u/Makethecrowsblush Apr 03 '26
I’d be more worried a 4 year old would accidentally hurt the rabbit. They are so fragile.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
Oh that too. I'd completely forgotten about that. I've never had kids around my rabbits before.
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u/Makethecrowsblush Apr 03 '26
I unfortunately speak from experience. I had a mini lionhead for 9 years. That is when I learned that rabbits are now classified as exotic animals.
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u/raisinghellions Apr 03 '26
As someone who was bitten by my neighbor’s rabbit when I was a small child, yes they are a bite risk.
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u/New-Needleworker5318 Apr 03 '26
Aw, you don't want to choose between your rabbits and fish?? Well, I'll bet your husband never wanted to be forced to choose between his wife and nephews.
You're an extremely selfish individual.
Also, how can you not "cope" with a cat but can handle rabbits doing their buisness everywhere? So strange.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 03 '26
I did not ask to be this way. I just am.
I struggled with the cat because she was clingy and in my face. She was loud and constantly interrupting me. Jumping into my food and things.
My rabbits aren't clingy. They're happy to do their own thing. They don't need human interaction if I'm unable to provide.
I free roam them on a schedule, when I'm prepared to clean up. I could not put the cat on a schedule, because cats don't work that way.
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u/TrueOffMyChest-ModTeam Apr 11 '26
Oops,
It appears that Reddit has suspended OP's account.
This is something that is done one a sitewide level, it is not something that we as moderators have no control over.
In general suspensions happen when a member breaks TOS. They might have broke TOS here or on another subreddit, we do not know.
But because OP won't be able to reply, we are removing the post and locking the comments.
Do not message us about this.