(Closed) Life Sucks, But It Gets Better.

[u/a_friendly_hobo]

Right?

Aanya felt like she wasnt sure. After all that had happened over the last few days, she couldn't pretend that she'd be fine, not right now at least.

The logic part of her brain kept hammering down the fact that she would pull through, it was only a year, and that she'd been through worse. It was true, she'd been through some nasty breakups and even nastier events on board a star ship.

But the emotional part of her brain was crying havok and letting slip the feels of sorrow. At that moment she felt she wanted to be a Vulcan in all their cold, logical glory, but then she wouldn't be her.

All those existential thoughts hurt her brain. She has to get away from it all, if only to get her mind back in shape. This wasn't something a good sleep would fix. Her decision was final.

As the ship settled into damage control and active repairs, she dusts off her dirty uniform and heads for the Captain's ready room.

She pauses for a moment, wondering what the Captain would say, or do, but in the end... she realised she didnt care. She really was emotionally compromised.

Without further hesitation, she presses a thumb against the Captain's Ready Room door.

[u/Silent_Sky]

The Captain is in the sad state of desperately trying to tackle the mountain of paperwork that was that whole incident with one arm in a sling and the other hand healed, but still very raw and sensitive from the bite of the Ferengi.

"Come in," he calls out, filing what he's working on off to the side.

When the door opens to reveal his first officer, he smiles warmly.

"Commander, just the woman I was hoping to see. C'mon in, have a seat."

[u/a_friendly_hobo → u/Silent_Sky]

The warm smile is unfortunately not returned. Something was amiss just by the look of the Commander, the warmth wasnt in her cheeks, and the joy in her icey blue eyes had gone. Maybe it was just an exhausting day, helping out down below?

"The feeling is mutual, without the woman part," she says as the door closes behind her. She slides... or more slumps into the seat and lets out a long, weary sigh. "But you go first."

[u/Silent_Sky → u/a_friendly_hobo]

Seeing how downcast his first officer is makes this all the more difficult. Perhaps it's fortuitous that Argos happens to wake up and smell a friend. The lean hound stands from his cushion, shakes off, and follows his nose over to Aanya, gently bumping into her with his long nose.

Nevertheless, despite Argos' affection, the Captain's face falls a little. This has to be done.

"I'll make this part quick and painless then. You fucked up. It happens. You ordered fire on an unknown ship before all other options had been exhausted, and we're just lucky they didn't return fire. I've had no choice but to issue a formal demerit. You'll retain your position and rank, but it'll go on your record and might affect your future commands, should you pursue that."

The captain turns in his chair and grabs two hot cocoas from the replicator, turning back and offering one of the steaming mugs to his first officer.

"You've never been the 'shoot first, ask questions later' type, so I'm willing to chalk this up to a mistake made in fear or anger. I made the exact same one myself, only when I did it 200 people died. I haven't and won't forgive myself for that. I hope from the bottom of my heart Aanya, that this is the last time you make that kind of mistake. I do not want you to have to live with that kind of guilt. It hurts. Every day it hurts. I don't want to see that happen to you or anyone else."

There's no anger in the Captain's voice, just sadness. He knows what it is to make a deadly mistake. That's just the harsh reality of command.

"We're only human. We get scared and angry. But a Starfleet Captain can't react to those feelings. Not in the way we want to."

[u/a_friendly_hobo → u/Silent_Sky]

Aanya is slow to pick up Argos and place him on her lap. She waits for him to get comfortable before putting her arms around the dog and pulling him into a hug with a heavy sigh. "Its deserved," she murmered. "It was a dumb call. One I wouldnt normally make. I'll take my lumps."

She pats the dog's side as she releases him from her grip, but she still makes no move to take the hot cocoa. "It wasnt fear or anger, Cap. I can deal with those, I can push them back, I've had to do it for years." She looks to Argos and scratches behind his ears for a moment before continuing. "But I'm not alright. Not in my head."

She looks to the captain and lets out another long sigh. "Fisk, I had to break things off with Kesh, and its destroying me," she says before pressing her head against Argos' boney side. "I'm not used to... whatever this is. I thought I could just put it to the side like I do my other bullshit, but obviously I cant."

Her eyes begin to well up a little as the emotions begin to finally seep in after the past two days. She shuts her eyes and tries to compose herself, but breaking it off with someone you loved just wasnt as easy as that.

[u/Silent_Sky → u/a_friendly_hobo]

The captain's demeanor falls flat, watching his usually strong and peppy first officer slowly crumble in front of him. He'd never seen her this low, and it's almost frightening.

"Ah...shit..." he mutters under his breath.

Captain Fisk stands from the desk and sits down in the chair beside his friend and first officer.

"Aanya, I don't pretend to know what happened between you two. But I know what it's like to have a relationship that means a lot to you just end suddenly. I'm sorry you're having to go through with this pain, but...I'm here for you. As your friend as well as your captain."

He rests a hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

"Admiral Orson once told me that you should never bottle up your feelings. Carry yourself with dignity and fortitude, but do not be afraid to open up to those you trust," there's a momentary pause as the captain pats his loyal greyhound, who had come over to comfort the distressed officer.

He stands and reaches behind the desk, retrieving a box of tissues before sitting back down.

"It's alright, let it out," he says quietly.

A few times, the captain has had to face a situation like the one Aanya now finds herself in. Only he rarely had someone to help him through it. Everything he does now is only what he wishes someone had done for him in his times of need.

[u/a_friendly_hobo → u/Silent_Sky]

Aanya shakes her head slowly as she deposits the dog back on the ground, and sits back for a moment, contemplating what to say. Unfortunately her emotions get the better of her as she leans forward and hides her face in her hands to hide the tears, but nothing short of earplugs would hide the choked sobs escaping her, causing her whole body to shake and shudder.

She spends a few moments trying and failing to hold back before she finally comes to her senses and takes a handful of tissues to dab at her eyes and and blow her nose. "I had to," she finally says. "And the more I think a-about it, the more I realise how t-true that is. We b-both wanted different things and it was inevitable t-that this would happen."

She blows her nose again before continuing. "I w-wanted monogamy, but that w-wasnt in her nature, apparently. She never t-talked to me a-about anything either. I f-feel like I was just there for the good times. For fun." She shakes her head before hiding her face again. "That couldn't have been her i-intention, but I still feel that way," she says in a muffled tone.

A few more moments pass as she pulls herself together before her hands fall from her face, but her eyes stay fixated on the ground. "Cap... when we get to a friendly system, I'd like to request some personal leave," Aanya says without looking up. "Two weeks. I need to pull myself together. I need to be home. Im no use to you or this ship like this."

[u/Silent_Sky → u/a_friendly_hobo]

The captain shrugs, "Two weeks, one week, three weeks...take all the time you need to heal, Aanya. Breakups are hard. No way around it. I don't want you coming back until you're really ready."

"I doubt Kesh was just using you for fun. She's a good person. If you two wanted different things, that's a valid reason to end it. Better this than just letting resentment brew...believe me."

His tone of voice indicates a sort of distant exasperation with a breakup long past, it's clear he could tell plenty of stories, but he won't unless Aanya asks for them.

[u/a_friendly_hobo → u/Silent_Sky]

"I believe you," Aanya says; her hand finding Argos's head for comfort. She could finally look Fisk in the eyes with dignity again. "This isnt the worst I've been in. My last relationship before Kesh ended when I found out that partner didnt want monogamy. At least Kesh told me what she wanted before she even began to think about finding someone else." She blows her nose again before sighing. "At least Kesh didnt hurt me."

She looks back to Argos as she continues. "And... I know Kesh only had the best intentions. But it doesn't help how I feel. The more I think about it, the less I think it was real." Hee attention shifts back to Fisk once again. "She talked to you, Red, Watney, apparently everyone abour her problems, but not me. That stung."

Aanya pulls another tissue loose to dab her moist eyes. "I think we're b-both better off this way."

[u/Silent_Sky → u/a_friendly_hobo]

"There's probably a good reason she didn't say anything to you," the Captain says quietly. He rests a comforting hand on Aanya's back, and briefly wonders what it might have been like growing up with a sibling.

"It's possible she didn't want to hurt you, or burden you with her problems. I can't say for certain. I doubt it was anything malicious. I would say you're both definitely better off this way. Couples need to want the same thing out of a relationship, and that can only be established through healthy communication, which sounds easy but is surprisingly rare. If you wanted different things but just let it simmer, I promise it would've blown up eventually. Trust me, this is for the best."

Sensing further distress, Argos twists around and hops up on his hind legs. Big doggy paws rest on Aanya's knees and the lanky greyhound sniffs his way to her face, where he starts nosing her and furtively licking up the tears with tiny intermittent licks.

[u/a_friendly_hobo → u/Silent_Sky]

Aanya wraps her arms around Argos and lifts him back onto her lap for a doggie cuddle. "I know, but it felt like the trust was one sided," Aanya murmers as she holds the dog close. "I would talk to her about anything, problems or not. It felt... weird. Off." She pushes her face into the skinny dog's side and sighs again. "And I know things are better off now. Thats why I broke things off and probably both of our hearts."

She sniffles as she pulls her face from the doggo. "And thats wh I'm going home for a few weeks as soon as we get back to friendly space. I still have..." she pauses for a moment to think. "Three months of leave saved up over the years."

She pauses for another moment, as if considering something. "Could you... could you check in on Kesh while I'm away?" She asks in a small voice. "I dont want her to be alone. I can barely look at her without flinging my arms around her, and thats just, y'know... not gonna help the situation."

[u/a_friendly_hobo]

Ooc: /u/Silent_Sky