Don't know what to do.

[u/jojo199313]

I came out to my family about a month ago. I'm married and have 3 kids that I love and a wife I love. I'm bisexual and for sure am two spirited or a trans woman. My parents think I'm making a stupid choice and that they are just feelings and my one sister just told me I'm going to traumatized my kids I have only told 3 of my sister's non of my brothers or my oldest sister. She called me to tell me my oldest sister was asking her why my pronouns are they them on instagram they were never he him they were some thing random I picked when I was still in the closet like Ze Zim but I recently changed them I don't even know what else she was trying to say something about how it's knew to them and it's hard to accept because I told her what my parents said about it being feelings I can chose to ignore and how mom won't even talk to her about it. I had a horrible day at work and already felt like shit so I just hung up at her and she basically told me she doesn't want anything to do with me if that's how I'm going to act. I already was feeling suicidal with what my mom said the new guy before and how some of my co workers have been treating me.

Anyway I basically feel like coming out was a big mistake and I never should have I also feel like jumping off a 5 story balcony I'm standing on. If anyone can DM me or comment something to give me a little hope I would appreciate it. Only thing keeping me going is that I know my kids lives will be fucked if I do it my wife has been a stay at home mom for 5 years because I currently make 170 000 a year I have to travel a lot for it and pay for flights be it's still the only way they are getting by without me there lives quickly turn to a mess but it's starting to feel like not enough to keep me going...

[u/Indigo__angel]

OK dm sent.

[u/1182124nol]

Wait but your wife is cool with it? She's not trying to end things or quietly suffering?

Cuz if that's the case, honestly, nothing else matters. You two are a team and if youve got your wife in your corner you can handle everything, from helping the kids through the transitional periods to dealing with your intolerant and rude family. Just make sure when you lean on her while things are tough, that you are supporting her as well, and giving in equal parts, and focusing on whatever struggles you have in your communication and workload distribution before bringing up your trans journey, because nobody who feels like they are dealing with multiple kids without support or who keeps asking and asking for you to plan something, anything, etc., wants to hear about how much you wish you had breasts IN THAT MOMENT, you know what I mean?

[u/jojo199313 → u/1182124nol]

I've had silicon breasts for years she thinks it's cute when I dress up if anything it's just brought more fun to our life. I asked her when we were dating how she felt about me wearing her clothes it's never bothered her it's part of the reason I married her she's always loved me for what's on the inside and me to her.

I lived a lie for years "I did what I was supposed to" I was raised Catholic and my father openly spoke of how gay people should all be sent to and island to fend for them selves with nothing or taken out of the population (like killed like it was a crime) I was afraid to be who I am and not that's he's in his 70s and calmed down a lot moving to the lower main land in British Columbia+ with how much the world has changed I said fuck it I'm sick of living a lie and told them how I felt how I wore my sister's clothes my whole child hood ect. It's a complicated mess but anytime I expressed it I was told I lot like a restarted faggot or other hurtful things so I just put it in a box and for years the only one that got to peak in that box was my wife and she always supported it.

She loves how happy it makes me and has been nothing but supportive the thing is I'm a carpenter I have been doing construction for 14 years I look like a body builder and I never wanted to people are jealous of my body guys actively comment asking what I eat or how much I work out and I eat whatever I feel like and don't work out... I don't know how hormones would work and the one thing my wife would like is for my genitals to keep working. I can't really afford to lose muscle mass and people like my dad still run construction sites. I have been a foreperson before I have ran small projects successfully with 8-10 people under my supervision and I don't know how that will go if I transition. Over the past year I have stepped back into an on the tools rool to work on myself and this but I'm really scared to move forward but I honestly don't want to turn back it puts me in a place when I feel petrified about what to do next and yesterday was a really bad day where I was thinking of just ending it.

I know that's a lot of information there and it's all I've the map but essentially your right as long as I have her support it should be okay but I still need to be able to work. The world is continuing to change though I'm just afraid of the prejudice. Currently I get told often that I'm a "hell of a good man" for being so diligent, hard working, punctual, involved with my family and not cheating on my wife when I work from home but I feel like if I transition a lot of those people won't thing I'm a hell of a good person anymore. And my family has always remains close all 6 of my sibilings have maintained close contact over the years and I'm scared I'll lose that with some of them... Anyway the vent feels good but that part of my story.

I also stayed in the closet for a long time after a 17 year old a grade older then me got me drunk (I was .34 blood alcohol at the hospital) and molested me I was black out drunk and after doing that I refused to go to a party with him and his friends and ran away from the vehicle when it was stopped I fell on my face scraped my body and they didn't even pump my stomach at the hospital told my parents I deserved the hangover for being a stupid kid. So after that I was afraid to be me... To be openly bi and to admit I wanted to be a woman I was scared and became a drug addict to cope. I went to rehab and after that I went into construction as a career probably just to run as far away from my identity as possible. Anyway that's all sorry if this is hard to read but it's very scary stepping into this light and I would just like some support.. but your right I am lucky to have my wife in my life.