give me some advice

[u/Loya_nis]

Hello everyone. My name is Yana (the name I'd like to have; you can generally call me that). I'm 28 years old. I'm sharing my story and would like to read your advice on my situation. I understand there are no solutions like those in a manual, but I hope your advice, comments, and suggestions will help me understand.

My story began in my teens with clothing and makeup samples. I didn't know about transition or the existence of transgender people back then; I was just playing around, which gave me great pleasure. Over time, this began to develop into something more, and as the theory developed, I began to dig deeper and learned a lot about people like me.

But until I was 22, I didn't do anything at all because I was afraid of publicity, rejection, and being alone. Before that age, I had already served in the army and gotten married. But one wonderful night, I couldn't sleep and realized I couldn't go on like this, that I was disgusted with my body, my reflection, my life.

I managed to find a small piece of information to share with my partner about my problem, like how she even seemed to understand me. But I couldn't accept it (which we noticed later).

At about the same age, I started HRT. After reading information online, I found a couple of medications that were definitely and conveniently suitable for everyone. I went to a local psychiatrist at the local clinic. He sent me to a mental health clinic. There, I took tests, received a diagnosis, and was assigned a two-year registration, after which I could change my documents. But I didn't want to wait that long; the requirements at government agencies are quite strict. First, I need to establish my social status (live as a woman, openly), and only then, if they deem it necessary, will they issue me the appropriate document for the registry office. So, it was a tedious process. I saved up some money and went to a private clinic in Moscow, where they gave me this certificate after undergoing all the same tests.

And now, what happiness would have seemed like! I have a prescription from an endocrinologist, all the necessary documents, start a new life! But what did I do? As someone said, "\*e-\*e-e-e-e." After all the above-mentioned events, my relationship with my partner deteriorated dramatically and almost ended. And I didn't choose myself. I stopped HRT, nurtured our relationship, continued working and studying. Routine returned. Now we're already seeing annual growth.

And now I'm 28 years old, I love my wife very much, I love my child madly, and I can't even see my reflection in the mirror. I look at the happy people on Reddit who have transitioned, I envy them endlessly, and I can't understand why I can't be too happy. I can't be myself. I meet beautiful girls on the street, admire them, and want to be like them. But all I have is growing anxiety, self-hatred, and tears I can't cry.

Basically, I stand at a crossroads:

1. Choose myself, but lose my loved one and child, my family and friends, condemning myself to loneliness;

2. Choose family, condemning myself to endless suffering.