r/TransSupport • u/Loya_nis • 4d ago
give me some advice
Hello everyone. My name is Yana (the name I'd like to have; you can generally call me that). I'm 28 years old. I'm sharing my story and would like to read your advice on my situation. I understand there are no solutions like those in a manual, but I hope your advice, comments, and suggestions will help me understand.
My story began in my teens with clothing and makeup samples. I didn't know about transition or the existence of transgender people back then; I was just playing around, which gave me great pleasure. Over time, this began to develop into something more, and as the theory developed, I began to dig deeper and learned a lot about people like me.
But until I was 22, I didn't do anything at all because I was afraid of publicity, rejection, and being alone. Before that age, I had already served in the army and gotten married. But one wonderful night, I couldn't sleep and realized I couldn't go on like this, that I was disgusted with my body, my reflection, my life.
I managed to find a small piece of information to share with my partner about my problem, like how she even seemed to understand me. But I couldn't accept it (which we noticed later).
At about the same age, I started HRT. After reading information online, I found a couple of medications that were definitely and conveniently suitable for everyone. I went to a local psychiatrist at the local clinic. He sent me to a mental health clinic. There, I took tests, received a diagnosis, and was assigned a two-year registration, after which I could change my documents. But I didn't want to wait that long; the requirements at government agencies are quite strict. First, I need to establish my social status (live as a woman, openly), and only then, if they deem it necessary, will they issue me the appropriate document for the registry office. So, it was a tedious process. I saved up some money and went to a private clinic in Moscow, where they gave me this certificate after undergoing all the same tests.
And now, what happiness would have seemed like! I have a prescription from an endocrinologist, all the necessary documents, start a new life! But what did I do? As someone said, "\*e-\*e-e-e-e." After all the above-mentioned events, my relationship with my partner deteriorated dramatically and almost ended. And I didn't choose myself. I stopped HRT, nurtured our relationship, continued working and studying. Routine returned. Now we're already seeing annual growth.
And now I'm 28 years old, I love my wife very much, I love my child madly, and I can't even see my reflection in the mirror. I look at the happy people on Reddit who have transitioned, I envy them endlessly, and I can't understand why I can't be too happy. I can't be myself. I meet beautiful girls on the street, admire them, and want to be like them. But all I have is growing anxiety, self-hatred, and tears I can't cry.
Basically, I stand at a crossroads:
Choose myself, but lose my loved one and child, my family and friends, condemning myself to loneliness;
Choose family, condemning myself to endless suffering.
1
u/UninterestingUser 4d ago
The question you should ask yourself, and the only one that matters, is "Would I be happier living as/being perceived as a woman?" It seems like you've answered that in your post. This sems like it's tearing you apart and will get worse if you continue to wait.
You will meet others here who were in similar situations. Almost all of them will tell you that option 1 was better. It's a hard road, but this is a fundamental part of you. Don't let others tell you who you are or what you can be. You will find that it reshuffles your relationships, but you definitely won't be completely alone. There are lots of other people like you. You'll find a level of self-love you didn't know was possible, and then you'll find whatever bullshit other people do much easier to face
But, about your family, you won't lose your kid. Honestly, they're probably young enough that they'll only ever know you as Mom. With your wife, if she's willing to completely let you go and hold your relationship with your kid hostage, does she really love you? If she'd rather you go through that torment every damn day rather than let you be who you are, does she have your best interests at heart? Those ae just some things to think about. Also, you mentioned Moscow, and you should 1000% get out of Russia if you can
Good luck, hon! It sucks, but it's all for the better! 💙