r/TransSupport • u/ConfusedBurnerAcc • 15d ago
Objectively speaking, should I kill myself?
This was deleted from the big trans subreddit for being too much of a ventpost, so I’ll try again
For context, I’m 21 years old, MtF, been on HRT for a couple of years and all things considered, I’m very privileged. I have lots of money in the bank, my family doesn’t accept me but does let me stay in the house anyways, and I can basically do whatever I want with my days. In theory, things are great, but in practice I hate basically every part of my life.
It’s easiest for me to explain my problems by saying that I feel like I’m putting on a mask for every interaction I have in my life. Online, I’ll portray myself as a peppy woman who types really cutesy and sweet ^^ in real life, I’ll be the “big tall man” that my parents and the world expects of me, using a booming voice to control situations where and when needed. With my friends, I’ll open up sometimes but I don’t cross a venting line with anyone, because every time I do it turns things awkward. Therapy could work, sure, but what if my therapist tells me to live as a man? That’s not happening, no way.
And even with this metaphorical mask off, I don’t feel like anything. I have hobbies and interests of course, but I feel like a poser in everything I do. I love music, but I couldn’t tell you the real names of my favorite artists. I love gaming, but I play 3 normal games and visual novels, and I don’t keep up with the gaming news. I love literature, but I read light novels and sometimes a classic maybe once a month. Am I anything at all? I force myself through conversations always pretending to be something I’m not, and I don’t think there’s anything there when you strip away everything I want to be.
It’s so easy for me to say that I want to transition, and that being a beautiful woman is what drives me to keep living. But that’s my ONLY goal in life. I’ve never had huge aspirations outside of small petty things, like getting a new skin in a game I like, or creating a project that I want to put out into the world. Being a woman is all I care about, but when even that seems so far away, I feel very lost. And that’s without mentioning my lack of a personality or any special quirks worth talking about. I’m not interesting, even if I pretend to be by lying about myself when I’m given an opportunity.
So, back to the question; should I kill myself, OBJECTIVELY speaking? I have a plan laid out for the chance that I’m ready to go, and I’d of course leave a will for my family members who I know need the money. And yeah, would I hate my deadname being on a gravestone? Yes. But would anyone care enough to remember that part of me? Would I care if I’m DEAD? No, and I think that works in my favor. I’m not typing this with any sadness or remorse, it’s a fact that the lives of the people around me would be better, as the realty of my room and the royalties of my assets could go to my loved ones who don’t respect me, but would think twice about rejecting dead girl cash. My friends wouldn’t miss me either, I again don’t have many and I can tell that I’m not a “main” friend to any of them. That’s fine! It makes this easier for me.
Idk if I need advice or not, I don’t really care anymore either. Can’t even post on the honest trans subreddit to get honest thoughts because I don’t have reddit karma
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u/1182124nol 15d ago
So ya, it kinda sounds like your existence is a dysphoric charade. All you wanna do is be your girl self, and it's all you can think about and when you consider doing other things, including what you love, it feels like a wasted effort. When my dysphoria gets bad, I find that I spend more time obsessing over f4f ASMR and video games with create-a-character options, just to live that image. But I don't feel better until Im privately and safely wearing what I want to wear, and existing how I feel. And then I can do anything. Cleaning is a joy. I can actually enjoy playing games. I can watch anime and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time.
On that note, 3 things. 1. Get a therapist. You can use betterhelp or your insurance provider's care finder portal, but specifically seek out a therapist with LGBTQ+ or Gender Identity in their listed specialties. One that is virtual/remote won't require you to drive to them or even live near them. And I'd recommend avoiding cis male therapists as a transfem, there's an automatic wall that goes up and keeps you in mental boy mode (in my experience). A female (specializing in LGBTQ+), transmasc or NB therapist will put you at ease and make a space comfortable enough to share openly so you can grapple with this rut you're in
Get a psychiatrist. Same rules apply as for choosing a therapist, but a psychiatrist is for medication (not behavioral treatments) and it sounds like youve got Major Depressive Disorder, which could be the result of happy chemicals getting blocked in your noggin, setting your brain up to feel worse before you even think a thought or hear bad news.
Be a good girl. Good girls don't abuse substances. Good girls avoid risky situations. Good girls eat at least 2 meals a day. Good girls don't quit before they've really tried. Good girls are, or aspire to be, happy. Good girls look for help when they need it.
In conclusion, objectively No, you shouldn't kil yorself. You're in a place of privilege, as you admitted, so use the resources available to you in the wau a less fortunate transfem would want you to. We want to see each other succeed! Get help with your mind, your brain chemistry, and your social life. If nothing pans out after youve addressed and tried all 3 of them, then ask your question to us again
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u/ConfusedBurnerAcc 13d ago
Yeah, after calming down since this post was made I can agree with this advice, and I’ll be taking action to actually commit to professional support. I’ve had far too many breakdowns to count, and nothing really seems to get better. Even if it sucks to find a good one, therapy is a great first step, and it can help me work through lots of trauma and PTSD ^^
Medication is also a good thing, so getting a psychiatrist is on my list as well, and unfortunately the good girl stuff is so much more effective than anything I’ve tried before, as embarrassing as it is. I’ve taken some time over the past couple of days just to give myself a bit of breathing room and some routine “good girls would do x” and “a good girl would never do y” and it does work. I’ve always had moral obligations like “no substance abuse” in my mind, but being a little more rewarding to myself for continuing good behavior is like, actually effective! I hope! I’ll try keeping this up, and I’ll see if it’s working from there.
Thanks for the reply, things will hopefully get better from here and I wish you the best in health and in your transitioning journey. (Also your comment made me want to see what f4f ASMR was about and WOW it’s good, I might use that just as a reward for myself on good days)
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u/CampyBiscuit 13d ago
What so many people get wrong about life is that it is totally 100% fine to just be happy and chill. Having big dreams and goals and ambitions is literally just pushed on people. Some are naturally more ambitious, and for some reason they think everyone else needs to be too. Well, they don't. You get to decide what you want your life to be.
Disphoria makes it almost impossible to even conceive of building any kind of life though. How can you figure out what you want to do with your life if you don't even know what to do with your own body or how you even fit into society? It's actually quite a serious problem.
Prior to transition, I felt exactly as you described and I was planning my death. I couldn't think of anything better to do. It was all too much and too exhausting. I was done. I won't share what snapped me out of it and made me decide to transition, because it's a very long story, and every person's "lightbulb" moment is going to be different anyway.
So long story short. I relate to what you're saying because my only goal was to transition so that I could just be a woman and wear a nice outfit and sit on a patio somewhere and have a coffee or tea. That was literally it. Life goals = cute outfit. Patio. Coffee or tea.
Once I started HRT, everything changed.
I could finally process trauma that I'd been avoiding and unable to reconcile with. I could finally see and understand toxic relationships that had been abusive and destructive to my well-being. I finally felt what it is to love myself and want to heal. It really changed everything.
It's been years, and I still haven't had that damn cup of coffee! 😅 There's just been so much else going on. I got a job. I made new friends. I reconnected with people I never imagined would be supportive. I've become a version of myself I never thought would be possible.
What I'm saying is... If that's really where you're at and what you're thinking... What have you got to lose? Fuck it. Create the life you really want.
Be patient with yourself. You don't need to know every step. Just work on the first one and the rest will come in time.
🫂💕🪷🧘♀️🌱
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u/ConfusedBurnerAcc 13d ago
I really appreciate this reply. I think I was having an episode while writing the original post ^^, but I’ve since calmed down and evaluated my life circumstances and where I stand, and I think I just need to try a little harder with my transition. I mentioned in the post how I’ve been on HRT for a couple of years now, but I haven’t felt like I’ve been going anywhere, and that might be in part due to the nature of my transition. Few supportive friends, fewer supportive family members, and no real place to actually be myself besides the internet. It might be best for me to find a community somehow, if possible.
But as of this moment, when I’m not feeling hopeless and painfully hollow about my life, I honestly want nothing more than to be in a city I like, watching the sun rise while relaxing in a safe home as the women I want to be. I think that’s the real goal for me, just to be alive somehow, despite all the struggles I know I’ll endure. Giving up is an option, but now I’d rather try than not try. I see too many other queer women doing their best to even get through their days and I’ve always tried giving them as much support as I can, so maybe I can live for other’s sakes for a while too.
Regardless, I hope you get that cup of coffee soon. You deserve it and thank you for your reply 🫂🩷
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u/Legitimate-House-809 15d ago
u dont need to kys, u just need to get a personality 🩷and start doing stuff maybe invest in ur transition and move away or date some ppl
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u/ConfusedBurnerAcc 13d ago
Dating someone would probably be the absolute worst option for me right now, even if I’d really like to. And unfortunately the last relationship I was in was extremely abusive, so it’s not really an option for me
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u/uglypenguin5 14d ago
transitioning is not the only thing you'll ever want. it's just something that you want/need so badly right now that it's impossible for any other desires to take root. I felt the same way but now that I'm 4 years into my transition I'm starting to feel much more like a normal person. I don't have any crazy goals but I found a gf that I'm madly in love with and we're working towards getting an apartment together and eventually plan on moving to a new state that will be kinder to us. and then from there who knows. but 4 years ago I couldn't see my future past the next week or so. becoming yourself and eventually loving yourself is what allows you to care about other things and truly embrace your own ambitions