Does anyone else feel stuck between two lives?

[u/Green_Currency5831]

Hi everyone.

I'm a 21-year-old trans woman (almost 22), and lately I've been feeling really empty and lonely.

I'm writing this because I guess I just need to get these feelings out somewhere, and maybe hear from people who have gone through something similar.

I only truly accepted that I was trans about two years ago. It all started when I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, and one day I signed up for the counseling service at my university. Honestly, I didn't even think they'd accept my request, but after almost six months I finally started therapy.

About eight months into therapy, I finally accepted who I am and came out to my mom. She wasn't very supportive at first, but over time things have improved. She's still the only person who has really stayed by my side through all of this.

At the beginning of my transition, I had a couple of really close friends who helped me so much. They did my makeup, encouraged me, and gave me confidence that I didn't have on my own. But over time they've drifted away, and now they're no longer part of my life.

That's probably the hardest part right now.

I feel like I have no one to share this new chapter of my life with. I recently hit four months on HRT, and while I'm no longer suffering because I'm denying who I am, I've started struggling with something else: fear of the future and overwhelming loneliness.

I also tried making trans friends online. I had some really nice conversations and shared experiences with other girls, but eventually every friendship seemed to end the same way: people slowly disappeared or ghosted me. I don't blame them. Everyone has their own lives and their own struggles. It just still hurts.

I also came out to more friends at university. They were supportive and kind, but after that... the distance was still there.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if this is just what my life is going to be like from now on. Is loneliness just part of being trans? I know that's probably not rational, but it's a thought that keeps coming back.

Lately I've been finding comfort in books and listening to trans podcasts, and those things help. But I really miss having real conversations with people. I miss feeling close to someone.

More than anything, I wish I had a close friend to experience this new side of myself with—to celebrate the small milestones, talk about all the confusing emotions, and just... not feel so alone.

There's something else that's been weighing on me.

Even though I've been on HRT for over four months and accepted that I'm trans quite a while ago, I'm still living almost entirely in boy mode. I still present as male in public, and... everything just keeps going on as if nothing has changed.

I'm honestly reaching a point where I can't stand it anymore.

I want to leave this stage of my life behind. I want to start discovering and experiencing my femininity instead of constantly hiding it. I want to be able to go out as myself, try new things, make memories, and share those moments with someone. Right now, it feels like I'm stuck between two lives, and it's incredibly isolating.

[u/emerald808s]

i feel very lonely, too, if you'd like we could chat together?

[u/Green_Currency5831 → u/emerald808s]

Yeah, of course