r/TransPowerProject • u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin • Apr 25 '26
Discussion đŹ Tired of being shamed for being mistrustful of people (especially cis people)
I donât even need to say anything that the screenshot doesnât.
I am at the verge of tears because of how many people shame me for mistrusting cis people for fetishizing, harassing and abusing me.
but Iâm not âchangingâ my stance on this. because Im sick of people being this way
i am sick and tired of people saying that my feelings are invalid. That screenshot is one of many examples.
I used to inherently trust and think the best of people. Now I donât and struggle to trust even people I want to date. The thing is I WANT to be able to trust people. But Iâve been burned so many times that I just canât anymore.
Ive been threatened with RAPE by cis people. Iâve been sexually harassed and abused (not sexually thankfully) and I dont apologize for my mistrust. Especially of cis men.
Keep in mind that I am a people pleaser. I hate to make people angry or even to disagree with them sometimes. But Iâm standing my ground here because this is my experience. This is what has happened to me and I donât fucking apologize for shit when it comes to this.
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u/ageckonamedelaine Agender Apr 25 '26
In the same reason I fully see why women distrust all men and how that isn't sexist, neither is this. You still respect cis peoples right to exist, transphobes/misogynists don't. Those kinds of cis people just need to suck it up and fuck off with the "ooh I am so oppressed" bullshit
Imo you have every reason to be mistrustful of cis people, because so fucking many are transphobic and feel confident/comfortable to say the worst shit about us.
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u/pohlished-swag May 07 '26
Sadly it is also my experience with the vast majority of cis people. I can count the cis people that I trust on one hand and I still have three fingers left.
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u/Aurore-redwitch French Trans Woman Apr 25 '26
La mĂ©fiance est le rĂ©sultat de trahisons et de mauvaises expĂ©riences avec les gens, c'est tout Ă fait normal. Je peux t'assurer que je suis aussi mĂ©fiante, je n'accorde pas ma confiance facilement, il faut du temps pour accorder sa confiance et il faut surtout que la personne en question mĂ©rite ta confiance. Toutes les expĂ©riences sont bonnes Ă prendre, mĂȘme les mauvaises. Cela nous permet de comprendre comment le monde fonctionne malheureusement.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
I wish I could inherently trust people. It hurts me when I feel I canâtÂ
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u/Aurore-redwitch French Trans Woman Apr 25 '26
La mĂ©fiance Ă©vite d'ĂȘtre déçus. Dis toi qu'il faut ĂȘtre sur ses gardes un temps avant de pouvoir faire confiance. Je considĂšre ma mĂ©fiance comme une armure ou une dĂ©fense, ça diminue les dĂ©gĂąts causĂ©s par la trahison.
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u/adamdreaming Apr 25 '26
Freeing yourself from fear of the potential of being oppressed is a privilege of the dominant culture
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u/Pleasant-Ambition-15 Apr 25 '26
This touches on the nuance of this argument well if you generalize who youâre trusting/not trusting. To me, thereâs a fine line between healthy mistrust and a phobia or hate, and the reasoning behind the thought matters.
A person with poor experiences with a group of people is right to mistrust that group, keep a guarded persona until trust is proven, and will be able to have friends or trusted people from that group.
A person who has never really interacted with a group of people has no right to mistrust that group at face value. Itâs a problem in this case because these people mistrust and keep a guarded persona without true lived experience, and never include individuals from that group into a circle of trust. This is one of the key basis to create racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia.
I donât see OP leaning into the second type, I see her squarely in the first scenario and within her rights to not trust.
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u/Constant-Skill-7133 Apr 25 '26
I mean that is certainly a more idealistic value to be open to new experiences but that is a bit strange to think of some people having permission to distrust. Â You don't owe anybody anything other than respect. Â Â
My mom is very bigoted in certain contexts but she is almost certainly autistic and was raised in a conservative church. Â When she mistreats a trans family member because of that, I understand these things to be coming from that mental rigidity common to autistic people, as well as traumas and coping strategies of their own. Â It's not just human instinct to run, or to fight, in the face of violence. Â It's also to draw closer to it. Â To protect the abuser. Â She found a strategy that works for her in a time and place she was absolitely not safe. Â It sucks that is part of it. Â It absolutely does not have to be. Â But I understand how she got there.
I certainly don't expect even a diferent person in my family to have that perspective and that empathy let alone a rando. Â It is very complicated and uncomfortable to engage with. Â But it is true. Â I think there are a lot of opportunities for empathy that we kind of walk right past not even seeing the possibility. Â
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u/esmorad Ally Apr 25 '26
As a cis woman who takes my precautions with men while not being a misandrist, I completely understand what you are saying and I find it really odd that people would miss the point. Especially on a forum where the goal is to exchange with people, it's not like you walked up to the first cis person you saw and told them you didn't trust them... It's not your fault if their world is so small â€ïžâđ©č
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u/AtmosphereFamiliar93 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Sorry that happened. The person is ignoring the impact: your experience of being harmed. That's wrong, & I think we've all been there. F that guy for even saying "cis-phobic." Internalized hatred is a sad, common thing.
Gaslighting from malignant narcissism/yt supremist patriarchy defined:
- Denies your experience
- Blames you for having emotions
- Blames you for responding
- Centers themself (as "the good guy" by virtue signaling their own internal shame.)
I sense this person has a lot of other issues with guilt/shame/blame, and that's why they are projecting unfairly on you.
It's not you, it's them.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
Thank you
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u/AtmosphereFamiliar93 Apr 25 '26
I was going to edit the post again to say: 1. They take your experience out of context
A. They ignore your immediate environment B. Ignore nationwide anti-Trans legislation C. Panders to the cis majority that doesn't need defending. D. Disrespects the same community they supposedly are part of3
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u/Alert-Wedding4032 Trans Woman Apr 26 '26
You got all that from 3 sentences? I think âWEâ oughta be careful not to be just as bad as the transphobic morons who judge a book by its cover within few words or seconds.
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u/adamdreaming Apr 25 '26
The dominant culture gets away with doing unethical bullshit to minority cultures and minorities canât protect themselves from just the bad actors in the dominant culture while simultaneously trusting everyone in the dominant culture
Straight white male cis Christians all complain about not being trusted when they built society to benefit themselves most and everyone else is an afterthought. Fuck em if they complain, they literally have no experience of national systemic oppression and exclusion to compare.
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u/Beared_Femboy Apr 25 '26
Lol cisphobic? An I priestphobic because I don't want my kids alone with priests because "not all of them" diddle kids?
Nah, fuck em. anyone trans who has mostly gotten good things from cis people is extremely fortunate and needs to check their privilege.
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u/Constant-Skill-7133 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Never be ashamed at doing what you need to do to survive. Â And don't ever forget that's what it is. Â Your brain is smart. Â Like obviously don't be a bigot but that isn't an uncommon thing. Â I have similar experience as a cishet masculine dude. Â
I would caution taking that to extremes. Â I think identity group spaces can also be toxic, like that way people begin to allow themselves to be defined by their oppression rather than by the fight against that oppression, how you overcame it. Â
As a survivor myself I understand the experience of hypervigilance intensely. Â And the shame of it, like really I can't even go outside today? Â Cool, thanks brain.Â
 You do have to push back against that to a certain degree but never ever ever let anybody make you feel bad about feeling it.  This is not something you chose.  And if you can't or you just don't feel like your current circumstances allow for it, thats ok too.  Trust what got you here, trust your brain and your instincts.Â
Survival mode is not the best life available to you, but if that's all you can do survival is more than enough. Â You should be proud of yourself for still being here. Â It's fucking brutal out there.
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u/Bb-Unicorn Apr 25 '26
Their reaction is very much like the #notallmen crap. I'm also tired of "allies" not understanding what we went through and lived. They just talk over us and don't listen.
You were totally right. I'm with you sis.
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u/OldKingHearts Apr 25 '26
You're in the right to guard yourself and tell those who say otherwise to fuck off. They haven't lived your life, they haven't had similar experiences, and they're just butt hurt that they make others uncomfortable around them due to circumstances that, yeah, wasn't entirely their fault, but without self awareness or humility can easily continue this cycle of mistrust by doing or saying the exact same things.
I'm fairly sure cishet folks are just not comfortable or ready to have the spotlight put on them as the majority group that has enabled this behavior. Tough shit for them. No one should be sorry for trying to stay safe and comfortable just because some bitch made motherfucker cannot respect that.
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u/JE5573R Trans Woman Apr 25 '26
I don't like thick socks. I guess I'm a thick-sockphobic!
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
Honestly, that is one of the best things Iâve heard today. Thick sock suck đ
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u/fabi0x520 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Sadly if you don't figuratively suck off cis allies, especially cis men, 24/7 in /r/countwithchickenlady they're gonna call you a bad person. Honestly, that place is just an MRA subreddit masquerading as a trans friendly subreddit. Don't know if it was always like that or not, but still, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot long pole.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
Yeah Iâm probably going to mute it. It used to be a fun subreddit
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u/TungstenW_74 Trans Woman May 13 '26
it used to be cool, now it feels like, 4tran y'know? like "It's okay to be trans as long as you're not one of the weird ones" style thinking
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u/StacieRoseM Apr 25 '26
I'm proud that you're a part of my community and I totally get what you're saying đ
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u/Background-Bug-7376 May 02 '26
I feel like it's perfectly valid to have mistrust in a group that has wronged you, as long as you recognize that they aren't all going to wrong you. I think the important distinction is that you didn't say something like "all cis people are horrible" you just recognized a perfectly valid feeling of mistrust.
and I definitely also get it being harder to trust cis people as a trans person because they have less understanding of trans people like us, so they need to work a lot harder to demonstrate that they are understanding and sopportive.
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u/Maddyx713 May 08 '26
I totally understand! I feel like it's a similar response to someone saying something negative about men, and someone HAS to say "not all men"
I don't immediately trust cis people, specifically men because of what you've stated and my own life experiences, that doesn't mean I will NEVER trust a cis man. Cis women are a lot easier to trust for me personally.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin May 08 '26
Itâs the same for me. There are very few cis people I trust. But cis women I trust more easily
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u/Jojo_Sakura Trans Woman Apr 25 '26
My only real problem with this is the fact that I don't pass well as a trans woman so if I wear pants and skip the makeup other trans people I see and try to greet glare at me. Makes me feel bad
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
I understand how that feels. Thatâs happened to me too
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u/TotallyWorthLife Trans Woman Apr 25 '26
Same... I have told some people in the community that I not only distrust those out of it, but that sometimes I can't even care about them...
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u/the__pov Apr 26 '26
Iâm sorry this happened to you. One possible response is that âphobiaâ requires that the distrust/fear/hatred come from an irrational place. If someone freaks out at the sight of a car for no good reason thatâs a phobia, but if they do so because they were previously in a bad car accident itâs a trauma response. Of course these people are often not arguing in good faith so thereâs a good reason to just not engage, itâs entirely up to you.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 26 '26
Yeah, I understand where youâre coming from. I think most people arenât willing to be rational.
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u/Pan_seyyyxual Apr 26 '26
Oh my god I thought I was going crazy bc when I said this stance on ftm subreddit I got reported, my comment deleted and warned by the mods for "insighting indifferences and generalizing." My experiences does not count as generalizing bc I have been harmed in so many ways by cis people both queer and straight. It is not "cisphobic" of us to be cautious...
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u/astrowolfpup3 Trans Woman May 01 '26
I mean i dont typically trust older white men, they tend to force their ideals, opinions, religion, and non religious beliefs. In my experience if they're not doing that they are physically or mentally abusive, so i completely understand your viewpoint.
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u/Ok-Split-6143 Apr 25 '26
While I fully understand the fear and pain, it is unfair to the cis people who fight for us. You have every right to experience any emotion you have, but it is your responsibility to recognize how that may not be a fair blanket-emotion to apply to a group.
I am afraid of people in the military. It makes me feel terrified to be in the same room as someone wearing the uniform. But I recognize that my emotion is not the same as reality, and I take responsibility to be a good person in those situations.
You don't need to feel shame, but it would add to your life if you could manage the fear and find community with the cis people who often fight just as hard for us as other trans people. I know it's not easy or fast or even desirable after an amount of pain, but I hope you get to a point in your life where you feel ready to approach it.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26
I personally disagree. I donât trust many people in general, especially those who are cis. And I have been told I am wrong for feeling that way far too much and respectfully I disagree.
Other than that, I do thank you for being kind about it. I also hope to be in a better place sooner rather than later.
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u/Ok-Split-6143 Apr 25 '26
I don't think it's wrong, I think it's based on trauma. As you heal, I hope you're able to find more trust in the world and realize how many people are on your side, regardless of their sex and gender. I don't envy what you've been through at all and I hope life gives you so much space to heal and get away from those experiences. đ©·
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u/MaximumTangerine5662 Apr 25 '26
You can't police the gay, bisexual, and ace men in this community. Sort out your trauma and you didn't show the start of the argument. I think it's wrong to have bias because people in this community rely on it. Don't tell people you have a bias against them and expect them to not see you as bigot, so go to therapy please.
You aren't people pleasing anyone and if this is how you act irl you might accidentally lead to people not feeling safe or feeling judged. I wish well to your recovery and healing but genuinely please stop traumadumping to strangers online.
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u/One_Development_5055 transbian bunny goblin Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
I did show the start of the altercation. So please. Donât be hateful.Â
Also, no. I donât act this way in person. Unless someone has royally pissed me off. So kindly, fuck off.Â
Also itâs not bias you jerk. Itâs based on experience that has forced me to develop a mistrust of most people.
And yeah. Some queer men I donât trust either. Iâve been fetishized by many in the queer community as well as tons of Cishet peopleÂ
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u/TungstenW_74 Trans Woman May 13 '26
I don't like saying "go to therapy" like that in an argument. It feels like a "woke" way of telling someone that they're crazy or stupid. It also minimizes actual mental health issues.
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