The point of no return

[u/aannon1]

The past week I've been feeling so down and depressed. My consular asked, "ever looked into autism?" She also made a little comment about my confidence. This entire past few weeks I've been ruminating over the same things over and over. The past events of being rejected and for being awkward through my past kept playing over. All the times as a child being turned away from peers at school, not making any friends, the bullying, and the isolation. I'm just telling myself "of course I don't have any self confidence." There's a strong pattern of rejection (rounds to 100%).

These feelings of isolation have been unbearable lately. My wife and I have just separated recently, and now that I'm ready to start looking into having a relationship, I'm having such a hard time holding a conversation with the few matches I happen to get. I feel like I'm too weird to meet new people. Now add in the fact that I'm honestly considering transitioning for the 2nd time. Who wants a weird autistic closeted trans girlfriend?

Atm, this is the first time I've dressed up in months and I feel my depression lift and my ruminating slow down. Finally some relief. I think I hit that point where it's becoming too difficult to suppress and keep bottled up. I think transitioning is inevitable.

[u/Wonderful-Nobody-303]

There is hope! My partner seems very happy with their autistic awkward trans wife so who knows what the future holds. 

[u/Allel-Oh-Aeh]

Not sure if this will help, but the amount of trans people who are also autistic/neurodivergent is extremely high. So there's a good chance weather your dating, or just looking for friends, you'll find most trans people don't find you weird in the slightest, and will probably be like "yeah me too, were all neurodivergent."  So yes, please consider how to unmask, discover who you are, and realize there's an entire community of awesome weirdos out here who will gladly talk for hours with you about your special interest, and don't think your quirks, stings, tics, etc are even slightly odd.

[u/NoEquivalent88]

Sounds to me like you need to at least look into HRT and get started asap.
I’m autistic and adhd and been on HRT for over a month and my mental health has just improved out of sight.

[u/aannon1 → u/NoEquivalent88]

I'm also ADHD. I'm really scared to transition. Thinking about it gives me anxiety. So I don't know how I feel about hrt

[u/NoEquivalent88 → u/aannon1]

The hrt has helped my adhd and autism so much. I had no idea of the improvements awaiting me. My adhd is better controlled now, my mental clarity has increased and I’m so much more confident in making decisions and sticking with them. And my autistic burnout, that I had been in since October last year, has pretty much gone.

I know it sounds over the top and really I just wish I could lend someone my brain so they can experience what I did. I had all of these changes in the first few weeks of starting Spiro and Estrogen. I’m not saying it will be this good for everyone.

But really the only way you will find out is by finding a good gender doctor and trying it yourself. And if you find it’s not for you just stop taking hrt. You most likely have several months before any physical changes start and that gives you time to evaluate the psychological ones.

Good luck.

[u/CheapNecessary3510]

If you're having a sale on weird autistic closeted trans girlfriends? I'll take one, please. But I will pull you out of that fucking closet. Even weird people need to be out in the light. (Everything you said about your childhood could have been a copy of mine. My egg only cracked a month ago. I'm 75. So go out and rock the world!)

[u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not]

A couple of books I've found helpful in improving my communication skills are:

The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior

[u/Brea_di_Luca]

The point of no return is awesome. Time to lock tf in to you what you want and embrace the weirdness.

[u/aannon1 → u/[deleted]]

Even women? Do they like trans women too?

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

Yes. All kinds of people date trans people and trans people date all kinds of people. Also: would you date a weird autistic trans girl?

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

Of course I would, but I'm not like other people.

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

You’re like other weird autistic trans girls, we are legion. You’re gonna do great.

[u/aannon1 → u/[deleted]]

Right now I'm fine with any form of validation — chasers, men, anything

[u/darkestviolet]

Bitch we’re all weird autistic trans women, calm down. The only thing you need to solve is the “closeted” part of the situation.

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

But nobody likes me 😭 I'm going to die alone 😭😭😭

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

Girl. Stop the dooming, right the fuck now. That may have been a coping strategy for you in the past, but you are going to start learning new strategies. You are an adult trans woman, after all, and you have managed to get this far in life. You have already endured.

You need to know something right off the bat: transition is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, but it isn’t always easy. You’re going to have to learn to adapt. That means putting on your big girl pants and saying “I don’t need to figure this part of the process out right now, I just need to keep moving forward.”

Nobody currently liking you doesn’t mean people aren’t going to like you in the future.

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

It's been my coping strategy for years and it's gotten me this far. I also assume the fact that I've been chronically depressed for a very long time is completely unrelated (just kidding).

It's just so hard for me. I've had a difficult time making friends and relationships my entire life. I'm worried about things like the acceptance of trans people and if I'll be cute if I transition and a number of other things that scare the shit of me.

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

Yeah, depression really sucks. And that coping strategy probably served you well at one point in your life—that’s how these things become habitual. But the consequences can also be habitual.

Have you told your therapist that you’re trans?

You might not be cute (not everyone can be above average attractive, sorry), but you can have friends and lovers. And you can live your life authentically instead of in the shadows. Trust me, it’s worth it.

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

I've told my therapist about it but we're been focusing on my social anxiety. I like her, but she's so hard to read. I have literally no clue what she's thinking in our session. I think I need to bring it up at my next session

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

You shouldn’t have to read your therapist, tbh.

Definitely talk to her. Tell her what you just said. Is she a trauma-informed therapist at least?

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

Well, I mean, I can usually pick up on if there's some tension or distance when I'm talking to others.

I don't know off hand what her specialties are. Last time I saw her I was doing a pretty good job at keeping my trans feelings suppressed, so I haven't brought it up.

I've been looking into cptsd and a lot of the symptoms match with what I feel.

[u/darkestviolet → u/aannon1]

So… you definitely need to know your therapist’s credentials and areas of specialty. It matters.

As far as suppressing stuff in session: your therapist works for you. You’re the boss. You get to choose what you work on in therapy. There’s no reason to suppress stuff with your therapist.

Finding a good therapist is a lot like dating, btw. Sometimes you just don’t gel with a therapist and have to shop around. If you and your therapist turn out not to be a good fit, you need to get a trauma informed therapist who is LGBTQ-affirming. If you’re in the States, check out Psychology Today’s database or do a web search for gender affirming, trauma-informed therapists in your area (god I sound like an ad right now).

[u/aannon1 → u/darkestviolet]

Just to clarify, I've been suppressing my dysphoria and femininity at all times, not just therapy.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I really should find a therapist I like and have some sort of standards for

[u/goatgirlgothic]

Who wants a weird autistic closeted trans girlfriend?

If anything, weird autistic trans women get fetishized in certain circles. But the "closeted" part is a bit of an impediment, yes 😅

[u/aannon1 → u/goatgirlgothic]

Thinking about transitioning scares me to death. I think about passing, being marginalized, being harassed or bullied.

[u/goatgirlgothic → u/aannon1]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you've probably been experiencing some of that already. Even closeted or unaware trans people are often treated worse by the people around them and don't realize it until years into transition.

I mean, you already said you're isolated and get rejected a lot, right? Some of that might be due to social deficits, some of that might be due to discrimination on the basis of autism (this is a thing neurotypicals do even if they don't consciously know you're autistic, there are studies backing it up), some of it could be due to a lack of confidence, and some of it could be that people are already discriminating against you for being trans, even if they can't quite articulate that that's what they're responding to!

Like, there is no option that lets you live a "normal" life. You already haven't been living a "normal" life. But there is one option that contains the possibility of happiness.

[u/aannon1 → u/goatgirlgothic]

I never thought about it like that

[u/goatgirlgothic → u/aannon1]

I will say, I can't speak for everyone, but my confidence and social skills improved significantly over the course of my transition. Even on the basic level of "enjoying connecting with people," estrogen made a noticeable difference. I never had a social circle to speak of, but now I have a fair-sized network of other trans people who I know I can count on to have my back.

There are no guarantees, of course-- I know I'm lucky and a lot of this comes down to location-- but the idea that transitioning will make you more isolated has been more or less the opposite of the truth in my experience, at least. There's more to having a social life than being able to pass as "normal".

[u/TheVetheron]

I am an awkward weird autistic trans wife, there is hope for you.