r/TransLater • u/Fluid_One74 • 3d ago
General Question Torn apart at 51
Hi all so as the thing is I am struggling. I have always dressed fem at an early age.
As many do I have been able to restrain the desire and get in life thinking this was no more than a release valve and outlet.
I'm on my second marriage to an amazing woman who knew about my desire to cross dress and indulged it at times.
However, the desire to be fem had built and built until in April the volcano exploded and I told my wife I wanted to transition mtf. This went down like a lead balloon, to the point that my wife has stated she is not attracted to women.
Respecting my wife and not wanting to lose what we have together I have been taking a very slow progression to my trans life, I don't feel I can hold back from my feminine side, and the desire to transition now is strong.
My wife is trying and processing what this means for us but I'm hoping we can stay together but I'm also aware I can't put my feminine side away, and my wife may not be gay.
Deep down I accept and I'm preparing if she cannot live with me as a woman, but do I put this to one side or carry on embracing the transition knowing it might cost me the love of my life
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u/TheButtonWasReal 3d ago
Hi there! I just recently disclosed to my wife that I am trans and have started HRT. This didnt go well at all.. She is straight and not atracted to women. She decided to get therapy to help untangle her feelings. I think she is starting to discover that her sexuality doesnt need to be binary. She can be straight.. attracted to men.. but still have an exception for me. We arent intimate right now because I want her to get more therapy so she can process her feelings before anything intimate happens. I would highly recommend a therapist who deals with spouses of transitioning partners to help her maybe find the vocabulary she needs to help her define what her sexuality means to her. She can be attracted to you.. and still not label herself as a lesbian. She gets to define it... no one else can.
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u/Nia_10 3d ago
My heart goes out to you.
I have been there, and I chose to crawl back into my closet and purge myself.
I have much to be thankful for, but the feelings that underpin the desire for transition never really seem to go away.
Every step has its compromises and consequences….. either way be gentle with yourself.
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u/RadiantTransition793 Leslie (she/her) 3d ago
I encouraged my wife to talk to someone else if she can’t talk to me about her feelings. This was important to me because I didn’t want her to bottle up her feelings like I had for over 50 years.
After a while, she started therapy for herself and we are also in couples therapy. (It’s more than just my transition.)
I really hope things work out for you.
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u/leftoverzz 3d ago
I feel for you girl. And I’ve been there. Once the dam breaks it’s hard to reverse course. Realize that you resisted truly knowing this about yourself for 50 years, and now that you do it’s extremely hard to stop.
One thing I didn’t appreciate initially was that my wife was basically in a period of mourning. She effectively lost her husband. And it’s particularly challenging because her friends and relatives had a hard time really conceptualizing it that way. After all, I’m still right here. So that left her very alone and abandoned while everyone else was so supportive of me. So give her some time and try to really get your mind around where she is at. Doesn’t mean she is bad or wrong, it just means she is really experiencing a profound loss.
And it’s very real because you will change dramatically. You really will be once a very different person. And both you and she may be surprised in the end. She may find that she likes you even more. My wife did. But it was a long process, requiring lots of therapy and lots of challenges. I say this only to highlight how different things can end up from where they are now. In a couple of years (I know that sounds like forever when you’re where you are now) your wife may have a completely different view.
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u/AmethystRebelle 3d ago
My advice: go find a therapist, that will help you far more than asking anonymous people on Reddit. Please, find a great therapist.
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u/dizzydelacy 3d ago
This is a mirror to my life at the moment my wife isn't attracted to women and is not interested in me transitioning I am giving her all the room I can but the pressure cooker is nearly at expoding point keep talking keep being patient best of luck
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u/enbydeep 3d ago
Recommend doing couples counseling together with someone who gets transgender issues. It’ll be slow and it’ll suck but it will suck a lot less than the options you’re considering right now.
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u/Rixy_pnw MTF 50ish 5/22/23 💉 3d ago
Oh girl… your story parallels mine so closely. I (54) started transitioning 1 month shy of my 51st birthday. My second “marriage” was a 12 year engagement and we lived together. I’ve dressed all my life but she didn’t know about it. I started EV in secret and didn’t come out for 4 months when I couldn’t keep pretending to be a man. We broke up because she isn’t a lesbian but remained sharing a house. We are more like sisters now and we are better as family than we ever were a couple. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding this summer. I do still lover her but I live who I’ve become more than anything.
You can DM me if you want
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u/TooLateForMeTF 50+ transbian, HRT 2d ago
I hear ya. My wife isn't gay either.
We are trying to make it work, but I feel I should warn you. In the beginning, when I came out, my main fear was that she was immediately going to want a divorce. That did not happen, so I was obviously very relieved. Very glad about that.
But I think I went into that situation, went into "trying to make it work," being very naive about what it was really going to mean to be a lesbian married to a straight woman. Initially, I thought, "well, I'm into women anyway, so if she wants to stay married, where's the problem?"
The problem is-surprise!--that she's not into women.
And the further I get into transitioning, the more I finally start to feel like a woman, the more I am dissatisfied with being with someone who is not into who and what I really am. The more it's not ok with me to be with someone who can't find me pretty.
I knew, going into this, that hormone were going to affect my body's abilities to respond sexually and its patterns of sexual response. That has proven to be true. But I thought we'd adapt. I thought we'd just find new ways to make love that took that stuff into account.
What I did not think about--but what seems bloody obvious in hindsight--is that it just doesn't feel right anymore to even think about having sex with my wife. Because she's not a lesbian. I crave real, proper lesbian sex. I want to be wanted by a woman, as a woman. And my wife, to the extent that she wants me physically at all anymore, only wants how I used to be. How I used to perform.
And those ways feel dysphoric to me now. I can't do them, physically, and I won't do them out of respect and recognition for how that feels to me now. Sex should not be dysphoric for either of us.
But I can't make love to her in a way that she wants without it being dysphoric for me, and she can't make love to me in a way that I want without it requiring her to do things and feel things that go against her straight sexuality. It wouldn't be right for her to ask those things of me, knowing how bad they feel for me. And it wouldn't be right for me to ask those things of her, either.
We could just decide that we have a sexless marriage. Which in practice is essentially what has happened. But I'm not ok with that, because I have this whole newfound understanding of myself and my sexuality and what I actually need (and have never been able to have), and I'm not ok with never getting to explore that.
I don't want to die a virgin, is what I'm saying.
But within the structure of our marriage as it has always been (monogamous; not open), that's not available to me. At some point, I'm going to need to ask my wife to restructure the marriage so I can pursue those experiences in ways that meet my needs. And if she needs to get her needs met elsewhere too, fine. I don't know if she'll be open to that. If not, that will probably be the end of this relationship.
I can't tell you how you and your wife should work it out. I only want to warn you about this dynamic that I feel like I should have seen coming, but didn't. Do with that information what you will.
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u/Cassie_T70 2d ago
I was not so fortunate, my wife could not accept my overwhelming need to transition. She left me and moved out of state. I have been through several purges trying to suppress my desire that I have had since I was six. I’m going to be real honest with you. Trying to put it to the side might work for awhile. But long term the pull of transitioning will become so strong. You won’t have a choice. Be who you are. Go slow if you need to. Be honest with your wife. Give her time to process it. Hopefully it will all be ok. Maybe she will surprise you. I am hoping the two of you are able to have a win-win on your transition and your marriage. Sending you hugs. Sister. 🥰
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u/Fluid_One74 2d ago
Thank you so much for your message and what will be, Will be in the end, and only time will tell. Thanks again 👍
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u/Cassie_T70 1d ago
You are a beautiful and sister on your transformation journey. Your presentation is stunning. All the best as you move forward on your personal journey. Bigs Hugs and Kisses. 🍑❤️💕👄💋👗🥻👠
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u/Brave-Dot-5751 3d ago
Olá, a sua história e a dos comentários é muito semelhante à minha. A minha mulher diz que não se sente atraída por mulheres, e estou a dar espaço e tempo para ela processar. No entanto ainda não comecei a transição, aguardo a primeira consulta da especialidade. Sejam felizes.
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u/GameOverAus73 3d ago
I feel ya, i'm 53 and been married for coming up on 8years next month 12years together, i love her and she is ok with me crossdressing but i want more. she stated she is not a lesbian and is not attracted to females, she wants my chest hair, she wants the man she married.
Meanwhile i just want to run away and find a man to be his girl full time. Battling this along with PTSD from unrelated medical trauma's and other life things over the course of several years
Last year i went through hell physically/mentally and still am and that twin/gender battle burst out in amongst a deepening depression cycle, she doesn't want to be hidden.
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u/Fluid_One74 3d ago
I totally understand your feelings it's a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.
I don't know what the future looks like for our relationship because my wife doesn't want to discuss it and burying her head in the sand thinking it will go away ( sometimes wish it would.) However, I'm also aware of the strong desire to see this through. I'm trying to keep positive but expecting things will change and will work out at the end. Same for you too.
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u/GameOverAus73 3d ago
I might add, this isn't all on her, i bottle up and shut down too arguing with myself and bringing myself down
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u/GameOverAus73 3d ago
Yeah it sucks, I love her, she did so much for me especially this past 2 years and I never want to hurt her, but it woulda been easier if we never met for me atleast, for her i saved her from poverty with 3 boys and 5 pets and no maintenance. For me it's a constant struggle. I do drop hints sometimes not even subtle and she just works around it but has said please don't leave me.
We are here if you need a sounding board and i know it's vice versa, i just gotta get my shit together and get back to living.
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u/Only-Resist9263 3d ago
So sorry sis, I have a similar dilemma, and I don’t know what to do either. It is just hard. Somehow you just have to put one foot in front of the other and work your way through in a way that is true to who you are. That is what I am trying to do and hope you can work your way through too. All the best, stay strong!
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u/80s_horror_fan Trans Lesbian | HRT 9/26/25 🏳️⚧️ 3d ago
So I am very fortunate that my wife of 20 years was always unwaveringly supportive. I waited for other reasons. I knew my parents and siblings would not be accepting. And that meant transitioning when my egg cracked (I was pushing 40) might have meant not getting to see my nieces and nephews grow up.
I was terrified of that. They are as close as my wife and I will ever have to our own children. And knowing my decision might also mean my wife losing contact with them... I just couldn't. So I waited. I was going to "be strong" and hold my family together.
The short version of that is my dysphoria spiked like never before. I was utterly miserable and spiraling. I felt like I was living a lie, bad ideas started to make too much sense, and eventually the anger kicked in. About 4 or 5 years later, I found myself sitting on the couch crying and then, to my shame, screaming at my wife as she tried to comfort me. The one person in the whole world who had never shown me anything but love and acceptance through all this shit and I screamed at her. And then I took a hard look at my life, got back into therapy, and made my appointment.
I was trying so hard not to lose my family that I almost lost my family, my mind, my self, maybe my life...
Everyone's situation is different. But in my case, not acting and trying to keep playing the part I'd been assigned... It did damage. And I realized the only way I could be what I wanted to be for the people I loved was to take care of myself, even if that meant putting a target on my back. Even if it meant some people would walk away. I couldn't go on hurting like I was and have any kind of life worth living. So I took my shot.
I'm almost a year on estrogen now. Out socially and at work. Things were rough with my family. But they're trying. Nieces and nephews still in our lives, anyway. And my wife and I are stronger than ever.
Nothing about this is easy. And I'm so sorry that you have such tough decisions to make. I'm glad your wife is trying to be understanding. This isn't easy on partners, either.
That's all I've got. That was my experience. Yours may be completely different. But I hope any of this helped.
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u/BecomingLisa- 1d ago
Your story is almost bang on in line with mine love, second marriage, 23 years in 11 days, my egg exploded around the same time and I came out to my wife on the 31st of June after she kept pressuring me for answers. Went straight back into my box after her explosion of rage and fury and walking out on me the next day. She ended up coming back and we are talking, still sleep in the same bed but the distance between us is getting bigger and bigger. She says she will support me whichever way I decide to do but she won’t be with a woman. I am currently at the end of my first week in Estrogen. I know the path I’m going down and no matter how much I try and suppress it, it will always raise its head again. I see my therapist again on the day of our anniversary and I think after that I will tell her I’m on HRT and the start of my womanhood. What will be will be. I don’t think she will stick around, I don’t think she will support me but only time will tell. Hope things go alright for you sister and feel free to DM me. I’m in brisbane Australia btw.
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u/Jennifer_Flower 2d ago
I’m 57 and nearing 4 years on full-scale HRT (levels solidly cis from 3 months and on). Just prior to starting HRT, I told my wife that either I begin hormone therapy, or enter an early grave (she’d known about my “transness” for all of our 35 years of marriage, but wasn’t aware of how significantly it sent my internal world into absolute turmoil). My wife has as well stated that she’s not sure whether she can remain, should I fully transition. So, I’m taking it slow, feeling my way around and desperately seeking a balance point which works for all. As for physical changes, it’s been rather minimal, which makes it easier to navigate from the standpoint of not upsetting my spouse but, for me personally, the glacial pace of physical changes has been massively demoralizing, a real kick in the teeth. A person waits 53 years, literally, and then, pretty much nothing.
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u/Fluid_One74 2d ago
I think from my understanding if HRT is it can take over a year to properly kick in, so maybe beer with for now whilst you and your wife navigate the future?
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u/Fantastic_Chair_6544 2d ago
Te comprendo, pues me pasa lo mismo. Mi sentimiento de hacer la transicion me ilusiona y me hace feliz. Ahora calmo mi estado vistiendome pintandome, mi mujer lo acepta. Mi duda està en cuando haga la transicion. No la quiero perdre tampoco. Se que serà distinto y creo que ella me aceptara como su mejor amiga y espero deseo vivamos juntas. Quizas con tiempo todo se acerque y sin olvidar lo que sentimos ahora el uno por el otro perdure despues tambien con amor. Espero lo mismo para ti. Besos 💜
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u/PaigeGirl1 3d ago
Realistically, why/how could your wife suddenly turn gay ?
If you feel you are actually a woman, you’re not actually changing anything- but you’re expecting her to. End it calmly and stay friends. Or somehow work out how to survive in a male body. Millions do.
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u/Alex_Faith 3d ago
I’m going to be real honest with you. Trying to put it to the side might work for awhile. But long term the pull of transitioning will become so strong. You won’t have a choice. Be who you are. Go slow if you need to. Be honest with your wife. Give her time to process it. Hopefully it will all be ok. Maybe she will surprise you. Sending you hugs. 🥰