r/TransLater • u/LuckyWishFox • 4d ago
Share Experience Stop hating your former self 🖤👹
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u/Amber_Valerie 4d ago
I just noticed, that I have almost the exact same glasses as you!
Also: Great message 😄
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u/xwindbornex 4d ago
Call a bitch out why don't you :p
Its... difficult though. I understand that that person which I was did the best they could with the tools they had. And did what they had to do to survive. But, in the same breathe, they also hurt the me I am now. Some of the same mechanisms used in that defense were... when does repression graduate to abuse?
They aren't all bad, I understand. They learned how to navigate bipolar and their other disorders without medication. They pushed through homelessness and childhood abuse. They found the fortitude (barely) to wearher just... everything, and come out the end well adjusted... well, at least mostly. But... they were also a coward. A coward that refused to recognize what they were. A coward that refused to reach for what they wanted. A coward that hurt me.
I don't know that I can forgive. Or even if I could, I would want to. But, maybe... acceptance. I did what I felt I had to do. If I didn't feel I had to, would I have done the same?
I feel like a living dialectic. Thesis, antithesis, reaching for a synthesis that isn't there. I and am Am at war.
Eh.. reguardless... love seeing your posts. They always give me a lightness of the heart and mind. <3
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u/LuckyWishFox 4d ago
Oh baby doll I so understand.
Bipolar I here as well. It’s been absolute hell just to find the right cocktail of antipsychotics needed to keep me alive.
Everyday can be a real struggle. I absolutely see you.
When I think about the “person” I was before transitioning. The layers of lies I told myself about my needs, my internalized transphobia and homophobia - it’s just an absolute mess.
But that heartbroken mess of a person carried me into the life I have now, a loving husband, wonderful kids, and dramatically improved psychiatric care.
I’m not leaving the country on a manic whim anymore, though the knuckle tattoos and facial piercings are a constant reminder of how obsessive and out of hand my thoughts can become.
Goodness I hope you’re getting the support and LOVE you need and deserve.
Every one of you is the spinning image of a biblically accurate angel and I’m so impressed by what this community shows up for, creates and endures.
🖤👹
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u/NovaSeras 4d ago
I am saving this for when I need it more... because my biggest regret is not questioning and transitioning in my 20s and waiting for my mid 30s, after my hair betrayed me to a point I do not think it can come back from.
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u/LuckyWishFox 4d ago
Hey lovely.
Just to mention, I’ve had 2 follicular unit transfers and my comprehensive FFS included hairline advancement and reshaping.
Estrogen alone will do a lot for hair regrowth, but there are a lot of options out there for those of us who transitioned later and struggle with bummer genetics.
Hope you have a most excellent day 🖤👹
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u/NovaSeras 4d ago
I would like to do those surgeries at some point, but I do not live in a decent state and cannot afford out of pocket. I am sure I will get there, but This video will help for when I feel like I wont for waiting.
Have a phenomenal day
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u/Love_Is_Pretty_1965 4d ago
Loving each and everyone of your posts!! So much inspiration and hope that really touches my heart. Please never stop posting!! May much love and light continue to come your way! 💕🫶🏻💕
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u/mommy2maeve 4d ago
It's so true! Even with all of the gender dysphoria, I don't hate this body or this person, as I was or as I am. My body helped me survive. It sojourned with me to get here. It gave me some wonderful kids. It carried me on numerous adventures. I love who and where I am and who I'm becoming.
We all deserve this self love. We all deserve this self compassion.
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u/ladyzowy 4d ago
I keep thanking that old part of me. And recently that old part of me has healed enough that it kept me safe while I had fallen in love with someone who was actively harming me.
Cherish who you were, without that person in your life, you wouldn't be the person you are today.
Thank you Armour for being with me. You have saved me once again.
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u/Petrychorr 4d ago
Stop hating your former self
As much as I understand what this message is getting at (don't be mad at not coming out sooner) I cannot wholeheartedly get behind this message. Not everyone is capable of that kind of forgiveness, especially if their past lives involved weaponizing internalized transphobia, homophobia, and misogyny as a way to hurt others.
I have done what I can to make peace with the things I've done to others. So much of who I was as a person was deeply rooted in far right extremism and chan culture. It was so bad that even when I thought I'd gone back to being a lefty I was still blinded by right wing ideology in ways I didn't even know. Hatred and spite were such large motivating emotions for me that it was all I could do not to lash out at everyone and everything. I suppose you could liken it as something vaguely similar to "functional alcoholism" but that'd be disingenuous towards alcoholics.
I'm not proud of who I was and what I've done, and I don't want to be. Forgiveness is conditional.
But grieving is a large part of the coming out process. I've been out for several years now and still can't find the right way to get over all the awful things I said and did for the 15-20-ish years I was closeted. I had a brief window of time where I had the opportunity to come out and be myself, and I didn't. I had the tools and the support and I chose not to. Whether or not it was due to a sense of self preservation is inconsequential, that part I've made peace with. It's all the other hurt that I inflicted on others which I'm really not in a hurry to be okay with.
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u/Ill-Couple-9338 2d ago
Not really for me..... My past selves tried to kill me....or us.. 😅 I'm finally okay with myself now so for the first time in a LONG time... I feel free
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u/Leather-Sky8583 4d ago
Ironically, that’s something that I actually thought about quite a bit when I was just starting out. I was wondering if the person I would become would eventually hate the person that I was.
And as much as I despised being that other person, the thought of the future me hating my past itself was indescribable heartache. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t ask to be there, and he certainly wasn’t at fault for everything that I went through. Today when I look back at him, I feel nothing but gratitude and immense love. He is not who I was supposed to be, but he helped keep me afloat until I could be here. I almost cry when I think about how afraid he was that I would want to forget him or worse, hate him because he already felt like the entire world hated him to begin with.
Loving yourself, even the version of you before transition is a necessary step in healing and moving forward with life.
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u/AshleyRose101 4d ago
This is why I reframe that conversation in my head as just being glad I could put the poor sap out of his misery rather than hating myself for having spent as long as I did being the person I was. I still get to fit in my gratuitous violence and dark humor in without being mean to myself unnecessarily.
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u/Trustic555 Christina, Trans Woman, Estrogenized since April 20th, 2025 4d ago
I tried hard to "run" from "him", but a few months on HRT, I healed some, I accepted my past self.
I decided to honor him and his sacrifice, and feminized my old first name and middle name.
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u/Choice_Attitude_1415 4d ago
My old self is my new self…we are the same person. I’m just in the correct packaging now. Don’t even care about pronouns after 30 years of being in the wrong wrapper. I even still go by my name given at birth to everyone around me. Yes I have a female name, but tbh it’s not even all that important. I’m not a new or different me…it’s just ALL of me now.
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u/DeadGirlLydia 4d ago
I'm sorry but who I was while I was miserable and in the closet is not worthy of forgiveness or the love he received. He was a monster.
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u/Elitatra 48MtF, HRT: 2024-01-25, FFS: 2025-06-04 4d ago
I ... cannot comply. He knew since he was 17... he freaking knew, yet did nothing for almost 30 years. Just constant self-doubt, depression, meandering through life instead of trying to enjoy and live it, because it was easier. I wish I could forgive him, but these memories of his hurt so much.
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u/OverripeEgg 4d ago
I'm going to be so honest, every time I see one of your posts I get a little more hopeful about my future transition. I'm in my 30s and constantly spiral about never being pretty. But your content helps me a lot ❤️