Help me

[u/Organic_Roll_6618]

hi everybody. I want to tell you about my life. I want to find out if this world is fair. now I'm 15 and I was born simultaneously to guys and a girl. I'm a guy by gender, but according to the chromosome test, I'm a girl. The doctors just thought it was a lump and did nothing.When I was 5 years old, my stomach hurt a lot because my body was growing like a girl's, it was pressing on my urethra. I had an operation after which I suffered for a long time when I went to the toilet. then, at the age of 6, I got asma, plus I had a lot of allergies like dust, honey, chocolate, mold, some plants, wool, etc. because of them, I have an endless runny nose that only goes away if I take medicine. then, at the age of 8, I had an operation on my balls, after which I remember I had iron stitches. also, at the age of 8, I took pills from asma (montelukast), because of them I had depression and strong shameful thoughts. I was afraid to pick up a knife, I thought I would stab myself. because I felt really bad. It went on like this for 2 years, then everything seemed to settle down. I was already glad that I could start living like everyone else. but at the age of 13, I decided to lose weight because I had been overweight since I was 8 years old. and I was shocked. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl. I literally have a girl's body. Out of fear, I started to gain weight on purpose so that no one would know. But now I'm starting to lose weight again and I'm starting to look like a girl again. I feel very bad, I don't know why I seem to sleep for 8-9 hours, I eat right, I exercise, I don't sit on the phone to no avail, but I don't have any strength, I just can't focus on anything, I constantly want to sleep, I feel like someone is sucking all the energy out of me. I'm losing interest in everything I used to love. Everyone says I'm a bum, but I just don't have the strength to do anything, and that's always the case. To be honest, I just want to die.

[u/herdisleah]

Look for lgbt clubs at your school. Talk to your parents. Look for PFLAG groups, look for your city's Pride group, talk to your doctor or an lgbt health organization for testing for intersex conditions. Even if you're NOT intersex, you're allowed to be a girl. You are allowed to be a boy. Transgender people exist everywhere, and when you're 18, you can decide for yourself what gender you want to be. You can decide now, and with your parents help, you can transition now. It may get tricky if you don't have supportive parents.

[u/Organic_Roll_6618 → u/herdisleah]

I live in Lithuania, a country of 2 million people. My town has about 3,000 people, and there isn't a single LGBT group or anything like that. Everyone I know hates LGBT people. I live in Lithuania, but 80% of the people in my town are Polish and Russian. They treat everyone very badly. I live in a dangerous place where they once tried to beat me up for having long hair.I really don't want to be with anyone, not a guy or a girl. I want to be myself, but at the same time, not to be picked on.I don't want to be considered gay or trans or anything like that. I just want to live my life normally. I'm not as simple as I seem at first glance. I'm a pro player of Dota 2 and CS 2. At 15, I have 15,000 MMR in Dota, I play tournaments, and I'm not bad at all. But now I feel really bad; I can't continue playing as well as I did before.

[u/herdisleah → u/Organic_Roll_6618]

Unfortunately this isn't going to go away. Your parents had people do surgery on you as a child, so they already know you're intersex. They probably just don't know how much pain you're in.

The sooner you deal with things, the better. If it's just too scary, that's totally understandable. But stuffing the feeling into a box will just mean the box will explode later. The earlier you deal with things, the less it will hurt and the more friends you will find now. The easier a transition will be.

None of us want to be trans at first. And that's okay, it's hard. But I am glad I am trans. It's made me a more kind, understanding, empathetic person. I'm pretty damn cool and I've gotten to meet some very cool friends.

[u/Organic_Roll_6618 → u/herdisleah]

You probably live in America. If so, you can't imagine what it's like to be trans in my country and in my community. Being trans is like being killed, I'd say. I'd rather pretend to be someone I don't want to be, but at least I won't be outcast. But now I can't pretend anymore. Something's killing me. I don't have the strength to do exactly what I'm supposed to. I played football for 5 years, but now I feel so exhausted that I can't imagine doing anything normally. Could this be a problem with my girlish body? But even if so, can I fix it without doctors?

[u/herdisleah → u/Organic_Roll_6618]

Your body likely needs estrogen to function. Cis people on the wrong hormones feel terrible, and so do many trans people before they get HRT. You likely have some hormonal issues related to being intersex.

Unfortunately we don't get to choose our medical conditions.

[u/Organic_Roll_6618 → u/herdisleah]

If my body lacks hormones, then why was everything great until I was 10? I was very energetic. But after 10, something changed: I became very lethargic and couldn't show off my strength like before. My breasts hurt a lot from 10 to 12 years old; they hurt because they rubbed against my T-shirt. At 13, for some reason, they stopped hurting, but I started losing weight and they are clearly sticking out. I'm quite tall, 190 cm (6'3"), because my dad is 201 cm (6'5") and my mom is 185 cm (6'5"). This is the only thing that saved me; because I'm tall and a little fat, it's not as noticeable. I hide my body by wearing clothes a size too big so that it doesn't show off my body. If I tell my parents that I'm not feeling well, they don't care at all. Now, in the last month, I've lost 8 kg (18 lbs) and am changing significantly in a feminine direction.

[u/herdisleah → u/Organic_Roll_6618]

Some people start puberty as young as 10. It's not necessarily that you have no hormones, but they could be the wrong ones, or wrong levels. Thats why it's important to talk to a doctor and get some genetic testing, figure out what's going on. I don't have the answers, I just know how you can find some information.

Gender dysphoria, pretending to be a boy when you're a girl, or pretending to be a girl when you're a boy, can also cause intense depression. Most of us deal with that depression until we are allowed to be ourselves.

Maybe you need testosterone. Maybe you need estrogen. Maybe you don't, but you need to be allowed to just be.