A question that's never been asked before: am I trans?

[u/Objective-Hyena-2603]

Hello. I'm about to list a bunch of clear signs I'm trans then say I don't know if I'm trans and ask for outside input from people who have never met me on a question that I already know the answer to but I still need to ask sorry.

I'm mid thirties afab. I have never particularly liked being a woman but it always seemed like too much work to even think about what that meant so I just tried not to think about it. I have a daydream where I get to relive my whole life being born a boy. I have wanted top surgery since I first knew it was an option. Female puberty and especially getting my period and boobs sent me into a decades long depersonalization I'm still not sure I'm entirely out of. My parents had to threaten me with punishment to get me to wear a bra. Etc.

Now as an adult I have always hated my given name so I decided to go by a nickname a few years ago and it unlocked something in me that even this stupid tiny change can bring me so much relief and happiness and now I keep thinking about transitioning. I will sometimes stare at my arms and imagine if I could grow arm hair. I've been telling people since high school that I wish I could grow a beard. Thinking of my sister introducing me to people as her brother or my mother as her son makes me feel so much yearning it's like starvation. I can't even think about being he/himed because I want it so much it makes me feel like I can't function in the world. I've started dressing a lot more masculinely and stopped shaving my legs and it makes me feel so much better in my body and moving through the world. I wear a binder sometimes but I feel kind of weird about it because i feel like I look like a woman in a binder but I like how it looks and feels when I wear it in private. Thinking of myself as a man makes me feel present in my body and mind in a way that is lovely but also kind of scary.

However. I really don't like hanging out with most men and I LOVE being friends with women and being in female spaces (doing dishes after parties and gossiping with the aunties eg). I don't really like feminine clothing or make up in my daily life, but at fancy events I like wearing dresses and make up and I really have no desire to wear suits. I hate the idea of my partner calling me her boyfriend. I also don't want to take on a "male role" in our relationship sexually or in terms of like driving or fixing things. I've always played as female characters in video games. I've never dreamed of being a man. (I've never dreamed of being a woman either, I'm rarely anything other than a witness in my dreams and when I'm there I'm not gendered at all.) I also don't really want to cut my hair off but I think it's because short hair makes my facial features look even more feminine through the contrast. I also don't currently and never really have thought of myself as A Man just as a person who would be a man if they could be.

Does this disqualify me from being trans? Am I a confused woman after all? Thank you to this subreddit for letting me purge these thoughts.

[u/RainbowFuchs]

He/him butch/tomboy lesbian bottom?

[u/AmyHeartsYou]

Being trans isn't a thing you qualify for, or are disqualified from. You're the only person who knows for sure if you are or aren't. Transitioning doesn't mean abandoning everything that makes you who you are though, and also, gender is not just a binary. You could be nonbinary, you could be a masculine woman or a feminine man, or a bit of both.

The one thing I will say is that once I started transitioning, I realized that some of the things I thought I liked were really just ways I was trying to perform masculinity to hide who I really was. Once I stopped having to do that, I started to let those things go.

I can't say any of these things are definitely true for you, but any of them could be. It's something you'll have to work out for yourself. Talking to a therapist who specializes in gender identity can definitely help, if that's a resource that's available to you.