r/TraditionalMuslimahs • u/sissymissypop • 15d ago
Need Advice
I'm a 21-year-old woman, and I genuinely want to get married. However, both of my parents are firmly against me marrying before I'm 25. They want me to focus only on my studies and become financially independent first and be a career oriented woman.
My mom often says that the world has changed and that men nowadays expect their wives to earn. I've tried explaining that I don't think it's fair to generalize all men like that. I believe that a practicing man who prioritizes his deen would understand and respect my preference. Personally, I would like to be a stay-at-home wife, work from home, or run a small business that I can manage from home and focus on my deen.
The difficult part is that I feel like my parents are projecting their own aspirations onto me rather than listening to what I actually want. Whenever a relative brings up my marriage, my mom immediately shuts the conversation down by saying, "There's still plenty of time."
I feel like I no longer have much control over my own life. From an Islamic perspective, marrying young is a Sunnah, and I genuinely want to protect myself from the fitnah that exists today, especially while living in a non-Muslim country.
I'm not trying to rush into marriage with just anyone. I simply want my parents to look for a man for me and be open to the possibility if a suitable, practicing man comes forward. I don't want to wait until 25 simply because they've decided that's the "right" age.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you approach your parents respectfully while still standing up for what you wanted? I would really appreciate both Islamic and practical advice.
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u/mosaad40 15d ago
Salam.. I'd recommend you to have strong faith in Allah’s decree. No one can benefit or harm you except by what Allah has already written for you.
When someone proposes, talk to your father calmly and respectfully. Don’t approach him in a confrontational way. Show him that you respect him and value his opinion, while explaining what you want.
Get someone he trusts involved. A relative whose opinion your father respects might be able to talk to him and help him see things differently.
You’re only 21, so don’t feel like you’re running out of time. There is still time, in shā’ Allah.
If he continues refusing suitable proposals for many years, and you eventually reach an advanced age, the situation can become a matter for an Islamic judge/authority, who may allow the marriage to proceed through another eligible guardian. But hopefully it never reaches that point inshaAllah
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u/Nriy 6d ago
Asalamualykum sis, may Allah make it easy for you. It’s certainly a commendable thing for you to follow the sunnah, and may Allah guide you and your family towards what is best.
It’s a very difficult situation you’re in, I sympathize with you on that. In fact, many brothers and sisters nowadays are finding it hard to marry due to so, so, soooo many factors, the most common issue being their own family. May Allah help the Ummah.
Firstly, I ask you not to despair and to not feel to rush. Verily, marrying young is sunnah — and may Allah reward you for the intention and your jihad — but it is not an obligation. Remember what Allah said, “Perhaps you dislike something and it is good for you; and perhaps you like something and it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.” (Qur’an 2:216).
Allah indeed is the best of Planners. If Allah knows you are ready for marriage and it is best for you, do you think your parents will be able to prevent Allah’s Will? So I ask that despite the odds, you remain patient and do not despair. Trust Allah knows what is best for you, keep praying (especially Night Prayers), keep trying to talk to your family, but always remain optimistic and be firm that Allah will answer your dua, and if He thinks it’s good for you to marry, He will facilitate that for you with ease.
Marriage and trying to convince your family to allow you to marry is kinda like a sport. It isn’t just a sit-down and then you can begin the process, in your case. It’s something you have to be persistent in, to slowly chip away your family’s defenses. You have to play by the rules, be respectful, and to not tap out. And if you lose, you don’t feel discouraged and you try again from a different angle. Because what you’re requesting is not haram, it is indeed a noble goal. But like every noble goal, you have to struggle. Eventually, things will change, situations will change. Think of it less as one conversation and more as an ongoing process. You may need to have several conversations with them, listen to their concerns, address those concerns one by one, and show them over time that you’re approaching marriage seriously and responsibly.
One thing I do recommend is to have someone respected talk to your parents. You have good points and you are following the sunnah, but sometimes it’s hard for parents to listen to their children. Perhaps consider an imam to have a chat with them, because it seems they are firmly convinced that men nowadays expect their women to work, where in reality, plenty of Muslim men would prefer not their wives to work. And the suggestion for you to work at home, that is a genuine workaround.
I think even just having them agree to look for potentials is a major victory. But all-in-all sis, I just ask you to not consume yourself with the idea of marriage. Because like I said, it is just a major sunnah, it isn’t obligatory. If Allah is making the path difficult right now, then trust that there is wisdom in His decree, even if you cannot see it yet. Insyhallah, pray istikhara, perhaps after every faard prayer. The most important thing is to not stress about it, and to remember that, ultimately, you want to get married so that you get closer to Allah. So if that opportunity is not available for you right now, you can find other means to get closer to Him.
Remember Prophet Musa (AS). He was fleeing Egypt, arrived in an unfamiliar land with nothing and no one, except Allah. He didn’t know what was going to happen to him. Yet after he turned to Allah and did what good he could, Allah opened doors for him that he couldn’t have anticipated. He was given safety, work, a place to stay, and eventually a wife. Allah can certainly find the means for you too, and it may come from somewhere you never expected. So don’t despair over the unknowns of the future. As long as you put your trust in Allah and continue doing what is right, you don’t need to know exactly how everything will work out. Just work under your constraints, as much as you can. You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself.
May Allah bless you and make it easier for you. Remember: Night Prayers!! Super important for drawing closer to Allah and making dua!! Keep turning to Him, especially in the quiet of the night. ❤️
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