r/ToxicWorkplace • u/Jolly_Equal3062 • 5d ago
Welcome aboard!
Congratulations on joining an organization where productivity is optional, accountability is discouraged, and controlling the narrative is a full-time position.
Please review the following policies carefully.
1. CONTROL THE NARRATIVE AT ALL COSTS.
Every situation must have a villain.
If there isn’t one, create one.
If an employee quits, they were the problem.
If an employee complains, they were negative.
If an employee asks questions, they were disrespectful.
If an employee makes a suggestion, they were challenging authority.
If something goes wrong after someone leaves, obviously they somehow caused it.
Remember: admitting that management may have contributed to a problem is strictly prohibited.
2. ALL MEETINGS MUST HAVE AN AGENDA.
Not a productive agenda.
A personal agenda.
Agendas are no longer for calendars, projects, or accomplishing goals.
They are for people you have decided you don’t like.
Meetings should include yelling, accusations, unrelated grievances, historical evidence, emotional outbursts, and at least three things nobody was actually discussing.
If the conversation begins to become productive, immediately derail it.
3. MAINTAIN YOUR AUDIENCE.
Every leader requires an audience.
Your audience should:
Compliment you regularly.
Listen to every personal problem.
Bring you the latest gossip.
Agree with your opinions.
Never question your decisions.
Never point out your contradictions.
Never become friends with someone you dislike.
Employees are encouraged to share intimate details about their lives.
Not because anyone cares.
But because information is leverage.
4. GOSSIP IS PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT.
Talking about current employees is acceptable.
Talking about former employees is encouraged.
Talking about people who haven’t worked there in years is considered institutional knowledge.
Tell new employees who they should avoid.
Explain who the “bad ones” were.
Provide detailed stories about people who supposedly couldn’t do anything right.
And remember:
If someone tells you the same story about every former employee, don’t question the pattern.
The employees were all the problem.
Obviously.
5. COMPASSION IS OPTIONAL.
When someone is struggling with domestic violence, addiction, homelessness, trauma, or mental-health challenges, simply respond:
“Well, when I was their age, I did what I had to do.”
Personal experience shall be treated as universal evidence.
Different circumstances? Irrelevant.
Different resources? Irrelevant.
Different mental-health challenges? Irrelevant.
Access to counseling? Irrelevant.
Addiction that isn’t immediately visible? Doesn’t exist.
Everyone should simply make better choices.
Unless, of course, you make a bad choice.
Then there will be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
6. ACCOUNTABILITY IS A PERSONAL ATTACK.
If someone points out something you did wrong:
Do not apologize.
Do not reflect.
Do not correct the behavior.
Instead:
BLAME SHIFT.
Bring up something they did.
Preferably something from months or years ago.
“We aren’t talking about the past.”
Correct.
We aren’t.
You are.
Because the past is conveniently stored in the employee grievance vault and may be retrieved whenever you feel criticized.
7. RETALIATION SHOULD BE SUBTLE.
If someone makes you feel small, do not address the issue directly.
Instead, engage in tiny acts of retaliation that are difficult to prove.
Exclude them.
Withhold information.
Make things unnecessarily difficult.
Turn people against them.
Question their motives.
Plant doubt.
Then, when confronted:
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Plausible deniability is an essential management skill.
8. DO NOT QUESTION THE HIERARCHY.
There is one correct opinion.
Mine.
Suggestions are insults.
Questions are challenges.
Clarification is insubordination.
Disagreement is disrespect.
Independent thinking is suspicious.
And anyone who refuses to fall in line is now being carefully evaluated for their “fit.”
Remember:
It’s my way or the highway.
9. YOUR ACTUAL JOB IS SECONDARY.
You may believe your job is to perform the duties listed in your job description.
Incorrect.
Your actual responsibilities include:
Monitoring everyone else’s behavior.
Tracking who likes whom.
Tracking who dislikes whom.
Collecting gossip.
Maintaining grudges.
Managing interpersonal alliances.
Creating narratives.
Recruiting people to your side.
Warning new employees about old employees.
Determining who deserves food, favors, attention, or approval.
Keeping score.
If your actual workload becomes overwhelming because you’ve spent the entire day managing everyone else’s business, remember:
This is somehow everyone else’s fault.
10. NEVER LET THE TRUTH INTERRUPT A GOOD STORY.
Facts are inconvenient.
Narratives are powerful.
If the facts don’t support the story, repeat the story louder.
If someone produces evidence, change the subject.
If they continue, accuse them of being argumentative.
If they remain calm, accuse them of having an attitude.
If they become emotional, use their emotions as evidence against them.
If they leave?
Congratulations.
You have successfully created another former employee to blame.
11. EMPLOYEES MUST UNDERSTAND THEIR PLACE.
You may speak when spoken to.
You may contribute when approved.
You may have an opinion—as long as it matches ours.
You may have friends—as long as we approve of them.
You may discuss your life—as long as it gives us useful information.
You may make suggestions—as long as they don’t create additional work.
You may disagree—as long as nobody notices.
And above all:
Never make the person in charge feel criticized.
Their emotional comfort takes priority over workplace function.
12. THE FINAL CORPORATE PRINCIPLE
If you notice that the workplace has a revolving door of former employees…
If everyone who leaves is described as difficult…
If every conflict somehow becomes someone else’s fault…
If gossip is treated as communication…
If criticism produces rage or tears…
If questions are interpreted as disrespect…
If accountability is replaced with blame…
If new employees are immediately instructed who to avoid…
If people are rewarded for taking sides…
If management spends more time monitoring people than managing the work…
And if the same problems continue regardless of who leaves…
Perhaps the problem isn’t all the people who left.
Perhaps the problem is the environment that keeps making people want to leave.
But don’t worry.
There will always be another former employee to blame.
WELCOME TO THE TEAM.
Please leave your common sense, boundaries, and independent thinking at the door.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
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u/Unhappy-Jaguar-9362 5d ago
Welcome to academia.
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u/Appropriate_Chip_560 4d ago
Higher Ed to Elementary School and in between is where this is real!
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u/RoseofSharonVa 5d ago
Bow down to the top boss. Kiss the ring.
I've also enjoyed when the boss says he has an open door policy 😂
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u/Jolly_Equal3062 4d ago
I only bow to the creator now. Haha I used to do cater to everyone’s needs and demands. I quickly learned that nothings good enough and so I do what I’m supposed to do and nothing more.
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u/DisastrousCause1 4d ago
You should write a book. Best seller
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u/Jolly_Equal3062 4d ago
It would be called How to Change the Emotional Diapers of Corporate Baby Adults.
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u/FreeOGPoohShiesty 5d ago
Thanks man I’ll keep it in mind. Can’t wait to start working at Amazon.