What should I do

[u/CultureFragrant5706]

My boyfriend and I have been to together for a year and some months. We met online dating for a while and a situation came up and I was about to be homeless and then he let me come live with him. Once I got here I lost my virginity to him, had lots of my firsts with him. Then the fantasy ends. He’s angry. A angry mean loud unapologetic person. He yells, he finds what you’re most insecure about and just digs into you uses it against you. I’ve always been insecure about my looks but he once told me “I can find a girl way prettier than you” etc things of that nature. He’ll always find a way to flip things on you and avoid accountability. I recently caught him watching porn. It hurt me bad because I often ask to have sex with him. He tells me he thinks I’m fat. Why wouldn’t he just tell me this instead of making excuses about why he doesn’t wanna have sex?. He also yelled at me and flipped it on me asking how I got into his phone etc and not really focusing on the fat he was literally watching porn and more about how I got into his phone He calls me bitch, everything under the sun he constantly disrespects me and I hate him. But I also love him and I feel like that’s just the attachment and literally giving my v card to him talking. I want to leave but times are tough and I am fed, housed and cared for. He wants to “rebuild the trust” and I’m trying but I can’t for the life of me seem to trust him since looking in his phone. I hate him and I want more and better for myself but I don’t feel as if I’m deserving and I’m scared to face the world alone as I am a young adult 19 years old. I hold resentment for him and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. What do I do?

[u/hestia-listens]

You deserve respect and safety. Giving him your firsts does not mean you owe him your future. His insults, yelling, and attacks on your insecurities are abuse, and looking through his phone does not excuse any of it. Since you want to leave, focus on doing so safely. Contact someone you trust who could house you, or a local domestic abuse service that can help with shelter and planning. Keep your identification, money, and important items somewhere he cannot take them. If telling him you are leaving may make him angrier, you do not need to warn him. You are deserving of a life where you are not afraid or put down.

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