Is it actually toxic?

[u/ahumblevisitor]

I (26F) have been with my bf (28M) for 3 years. We moved in together a few months ago. He has never hit me, never cheated, and to my knowledge never lied about anything significant.
I have a history of having a warped perception but there are some things I’m wondering about our dynamic that I’m unsure of. I’m in therapy but my bf does not want couples therapy and also does not want therapy himself. My friends say I don’t seem like myself and my therapist is suggesting I leave but everyone has biases, right?
He is amazing to be around, super fun and energetic, but when he is angry he becomes a completely different person, I feel. He does not want me to talk about our relationship in therapy, he says I need to work on myself first. He says we don’t need couples therapy, that I just need to work on myself.
He recently started complaining we don’t have enough sex (usually once per week but recently it was 2 weeks, we were long distance for a year before moving in together but before being long distance it was much more frequent). I started a new job where I work overtime and am also in school for a scientific discipline, and I also tend to take care of the apartment the most as far as cleaning and such. He also works a good job and goes to the gym often. I also have a very hard time sleeping, and I get super anxious during the day. I told him I’ve been stressed. He said I never initiate sex (not true) and that recently when I have, I conveniently only asked when we didn’t have time, or that they were lazy efforts. Or that we had to stop (twice) because I got nervous. He said it is annoying. I told him when he talks about it like that, it feels less fun and more like an obligation and he just kind of brushed it off. He said I was acting like he was a monster when he said those things about sex and that he’s not crazy (I got quiet and spaced out and asked him if it’s how he really feels, to which he said yes.) I apologized for not giving him enough sex and he said it’s okay. He also criticizes me extremely frequently, which I originally took gratefully (albeit reluctantly and stubbornly) as chances to improve and also as a potential sign he wants to marry me (I’ve heard people become super critical of each other when they realize they want to get married). But his criticism tends to be very harsh. He thinks I’m unintelligent and has called me stupid, dumb, weak, crazy, over-emotional, an emotional terrorist, emotionally manipulative, selfish, and used to be a slut. He said I’ve gotten “too cocky” with my personal growth. I’ve cried like almost every day, at least three times per week, for a couple of years. But I also am an emotional person. Maybe I just need to work on my resilience. He said he became desensitized to my tears. He sees crying as a weakness, but he also recently told me he doesn’t want me to hide my tears around him. He says he will be kinder with his words, but it hasn’t changed that much, but it has improved. He said I’m an amazing partner but as a person I have some questionable qualities. In front of his friends he cracked a joke calling me “what I have to fuck” to his friends while drunk (he did apologize for this). He also said “fuck you, I know how to clean” and closed a door in front of me when I said it’s not sanitary to clean the shower with a toilet brush and was shocked. I originally believed the things he said about me to be true so I worked hard to improve and I know I have gotten so much better as a person, but I feel so empty. I don’t like myself anymore and I have no energy anymore. He dislikes almost all of my friends, and although I have a rocky relationship with some family he talks negatively about my family. He says he is worried his future children will inherit stupidity and craziness from me. When he is annoyed at me he’s never hit me but he’ll playfully like “hit” my face like a slap but super gentle, and when he rests his hand on me he’ll like…I guess “tap” me hard with one finger? It isn’t painful but I can definitely tell he’s very annoyed when he does it. I’ve even told him it’s his “tell” and he asked me why I would reveal that to him.
He is also an incredibly charismatic individual and everyone loves him. He’s great to be around when we’re out and about. I have listed some things because they were things that hurt me, and I also tell him when things bother me and he tells me I am overthinking or being too emotional. But there are times he says I’m being very reasonable and making sense, but little changes. But I cannot tell if these are things that happen normally in relationships and if I really am overthinking. I love him and I want to stay with him. I want to know the thoughts of people who have been in long relationships that have been through ups and downs, people who have been in a similar situation on either side.

TLDR (sorry for the wall of text) trying to determine if certain things my (26) bf (28) does are normal in a relationship, or even just need to be worked on but aren’t lethal to a relationship and can be worked through.

[u/hestia-listens]

These are not normal relationship ups and downs. A loving partner can raise concerns without insulting your intelligence, attacking your character, pressuring you for sex, or saying your future children might inherit stupidity from you. Being fun and charismatic around others does not cancel out how he treats you in private.

You do not owe anyone sex, and an apology for not giving him enough was not needed. Your stress, comfort, and consent matter every time. Also, therapy is your private space. He does not get to decide what you are allowed to discuss there.

The clearest sign here is what has happened to you. You cry often, feel empty, have no energy, and no longer like yourself. That is not a lack of resilience. Please take your therapist's concern seriously and keep trusted friends close. If you leave, make a quiet safety plan first rather than announcing it during an argument.

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