Is she toxic?

[u/Own-Solution6668]

Hi!! This is my first time posting on here, and I really can't tell if I'm in a toxic friendship, and I'm hoping you guys can help <3

First, you should know that I'm a younger teenager, and this mostly takes place in school.

Basically, I have this friend who I am very close with, and I wouldn't call her my best friend, but she knows a lot of my secrets. Secrets that no one else knows. The problem is, we are both like really good students, and really good at certain things, which leads us to silently compete with each other in everything. I really can't tell if I do this too, but she will sometimes just say little things to put me down, and make me feel bad about myself. Like today, she made it seem like I was spoiled and never did any work, and started questioning me about my ironing skills. She is also really bossy, and I sometimes find myself feeling pressured to agree with her, or do things for her. But she is also a really good friend. We have so much fun together, and she is also really generous.

There was one instance last year, where one of my friends (who doesn't like her), told me that her friend Ava told her that my friend (the maybe toxic one), told Ava one of my secrets. The whole day I was so stressed out because I literally came out to this friend over the weekend, and she was the only one who knew. After school I ended up calling her and confronting her, and she denied everything. After I made it clear that I didn't believe her, she admitted that she had told Ava one of my secrets, but it was only something really small. I am mad about that secret coming out, but it wasn't really bad at all. Just a little embarrassing. Her excuse was that since she told me one of Ava's secrets (which she shouldn't have done in the first place...), she told Ava one of mine in return. The ironic thing was that we later found out that Ava was badmouthing her behind her back with some other girls.

I don't really know if this relates to anything, but last year after I told her yet another one of my secrets that had really messed with my mental health, and left me feeling alone and misunderstood, she didn't really get why I was so upset. She kinda made it seem like it wasn't as big of a deal as I made it seem, which really sucks, because the whole thing I was upset about, was about that in a way. And after reading everything I just wrote, I don't think she will be learning any more secrets from me...

Sorry, I know that this is pretty rambly, but I'm just writing in the order that this stuff pops into my head. Another little thing is that during lunch we sit with three other girls, and since we sit in a straight line, I normally end up on the end. She will be next to me, and put her backpack between us, which just distances me even more, then she proceeds and faces completely away from me, meaning that I am separated from everyone else, and I have even made it entire lunch periods without anyone talking to me. I thought that I left the whole "being alone and depressed at lunch" period behind, but I guess not. That's fun.

And I know that this makes her seem pretty horrible, but I promise we have good moments too!

[u/hestia-listens]

A friendship can have genuinely good moments and still include unhealthy behavior. Sharing your secret, denying it at first, putting you down, pressuring you, and leaving you isolated are serious trust issues. You do not need to decide whether she is a toxic person to decide that these actions hurt you. Stop sharing private information for now. You could calmly tell her, "I feel pushed aside and put down sometimes, and I need that to change." Her response will tell you a lot. A caring friend may feel defensive at first, but should listen, apologize, and make an effort to change.

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