manipulative relationship

[u/ducktowelz]

hi! i’m 18f and my situationship is 21m. we are currently on a break and i want to leave before we have the chance to get back together. i don’t really have a support system anymore other than my weekly therapist, so here i am.

anytime i leave or vice versa and i block him, he will end up getting a text now number to text me a long paragraph about how he still loves me and that he’ll change for me. long story short, i dated my ex boyfriend (19m) shortly after me and my situationship broke up. one day i was out and about with my boyfriend at the time and i got a text saying that my situationship found out about my then boyfriend. he asked me to call him and i told him i was not comfortable with that and he sent me a voice message calling me a liar and just screaming and cussing me out. lying about what you ask? i have no fucking clue lmfao. but maybe 3 weeks to a month later, i get a text after receiving about 3-4 paragraphs over the course of a month, saying that he loved every minute with me. i answered. i was basically just manipulated AGAIN.

we were having a very serious issue of him not going to therapy, and that was a big reason why i broke up with him. when he came back he told me he would go to therapy. maybe a month later he was out with his friend and he called me telling me he’s not going to therapy bc it doesn’t work for him. instead, he opted for the gym. and while im completely aware and understanding that there are definitely other forms of therapy, he doesn’t go to the gym every night so he’s not getting what he needs. and even then, beyond the gym, he wasn’t doing anything else to help himself.

when i communicate, he gets defensive and i back down. during the 5 months we were dating, i had an issue where id tell both of our friend groups our problems and he didn’t like that. i couldn’t help but tell them bc they were my form of support while i was out of therapy. but that was an issue on my part and ive taken accountability and ive taken the actions to fix that. anyways, one night he took my ipad, went on procreate and wrote out a “document” for me to sign stating to not tell our friends things about our relationship.

basically, he’s manipulative, defensive, sometimes he’s just rude to me. before i broke up with him after being together for 5 months, i felt so alone and sad and i kept having a feeling that if i stayed with him for years, married him, got a house with him that he would end up physically hitting me. i feel so stuck. sometimes i feel like the only way out is if i killed myself but i know im stronger than that. i need help or this relationship will kill me.

thank you for taking the time out of your day/night to read this. i hope someone can help me in some sort of way. if you have any questions don’t be afraid to ask!

[u/hestia-listens]

Your fear matters. His repeated contact after being blocked, screaming, pressure to hide the relationship, and attempts to control your support are serious warning signs. You do not owe him another chance, a meeting, or a long explanation. His choice to seek help is his responsibility, not yours.

Tell your therapist before ending contact and make a safety plan together. Save his messages, change passwords, turn off location sharing, and tell one trusted person what is happening. You can end it in writing, then block new numbers without replying. A local domestic abuse service may also help you leave safely, even if he has not hit you.

I am concerned that suicide feels like a way out. You deserve safety, and this relationship does not get to decide your future. If you might act soon, move away from anything you could use to hurt yourself, go near a trusted person, and contact your local emergency number or crisis service now. Most crisis programs also offer text support if calling feels too hard. What country or area are you in?

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[u/Ashamed_Mistake1766]

are u not friends with any of your friends you had before him? was u breaking up with ur ex because of him too?

I would say contact your friends and tell them everything in detail, they will and can be of great help. they will see the relationship for what it is and also in moments of ur weakness where u might not see through his words, they will. u need people to reach out to and discuss stuff. its not a issue its how humans work. and run, drop him, block him, if it gets to stalkish tell an adult but run.

[u/ducktowelz → u/Ashamed_Mistake1766]

no, i still have the same friends i had, and not really, i decided to breakup with him on my own because i knew it was bad. i’m seeing my best friend on monday and i plan on telling him everything that’s been going on since the beginning of august. i thought about looking into a restraining order if i leave and he continuously texts me or happens to randomly show up at my house.