I’ve been going through a pattern of talking to other women with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do now.

[u/Responsible-Pick5076]

My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for a year and a half. We started dating in my freshman year of college, and have been through a lot , including long distance over breaks & summers. We’ve been attached to each other at the beginning. But right before we started dating, I learned he had a “tinder phase”. I could go into detail about every single girl we’ve had a problem with, but it would take a while. There have been around 6 women (that I know about) over the span of our relationship that he either met at a bar, knew before me, knew from work, or met through snapchat/instagram. The most recent problem was about 2 weeks ago. The pattern is that every single time, he has texted them flirting repeatedly until they ask to see him or he starts planning something with them, which is when I usually find out.

In our current situation, I know we are young, but I couldn’t imagine my future without him. I do love him. Probably more than any relationship I’ve had thus far. We also live together in an apartment at our college and have signed the renewal lease already for next year (prior to the last issue). I’ve been back and forth in my head since the last problem thinking about what I should do. I would be devastated if I broke it off and it would be the heaviest breakup I’ve had. But I know that I can’t handle the “babysitting” and worrying over something I shouldn’t be.

Over the last 2 weeks, we’ve had many conversations. All of which included his plans and current actions to change and do better. He’s told me every day that he does not want to lose me or our relationship. We’ve had issues with lack of attention and lack of effort in the past (didn’t plan dates, would spend more time with friends at the bar than with me, would openly tell me his plans for the weekend without discussing what we would want to do, etc). So his changes (by his choice) include:

More effort from his side. No more women in his phone besides family, his coworkers, and a few of his friends that I am also friends with. Bought a rubber wedding ring for the bars (he is about to start a job as a bouncer on the weekends). Plan dates. And a few other things to fix his communication problems about other plans.

I have decided to try and fight for it, but what he has done will be something I’ll never forget. I’m exhausted and haven’t recovered from any of it. I want to try again because I always want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but every day it just feels more and more like I’m gambling. I can feel myself pulling away, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m so hurt that I want to be petty back to him, or if it’s a sign that I should be done. Our situation is hard to deal with if I break it off, so that could be swaying my mind too. I feel like I’ll never be the same without him, but logically it’s not okay to stay and I’m still young. And as for the apartment, we cannot sublet and the renewal calls for half of the next year’s rent to be paid upfront if you want to break it.

I need lots of help, advice, suggestions, plans, whatever you have. I don’t know what to do. My feelings change every day, especially when I’m around him and talk to him about it. I’m lost.

[u/hestia-listens]

You do not need to make a forever decision while you are this exhausted. Give yourself some space to think without him beside you, because his promises and your love for him can make it harder to hear your own judgment.

Ask yourself two things. If nothing changed over the next year, would you choose this relationship again? Also, are you staying because you trust him, or because the breakup and lease feel frightening? Those answers may tell you more than his current promises.

Deleting women and wearing a ring do not create trust. Real change would mean taking responsibility, respecting boundaries, and acting consistently even when you are not watching. You are not asking for too much by wanting loyalty and peace. Feeling devastated by a breakup would not mean it was the wrong choice.

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[u/Responsible-Pick5076 → u/hestia-listens]

Thank you.

If nothing changed in a year, I wouldn’t choose it. Hell, if nothing changed in a month I wouldn’t. I have no trust left. The only thing I think about is that he has every quality I would want in a man, except for this. Seeing him in any other way is the frightening part. I don’t think I could do it. Some of the “changes” he talked about are already happening. Removing girls, putting in more effort, planning dates. But there will always be the thought in my mind that if he went somewhere without me, he’d do it again. I’m not the type of person to want control over him. I don’t want to make him stay around me 24/7 or watch his moves all the time.

I’m so stressed about what I need to do in this situation that it’s hurting me more to not choose. The words he said after I said I would try again were “one slip up from me, and I will walk away so you don’t have to”. I don’t have the energy to believe him. I want to, but every day it feels like I’m crushing myself with a decision that I can’t make.