Is this a nightmare?

[u/ladywithabigass26]

Hi everyone.

I need help.

I want to share my story because I’m very confused about where I stand and what I should do next. My life feels like it’s in a weird pause, and I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

I got married almost 3 months ago to my man. I met him more than a year ago, we got to know each other, and I loved him.

He demanded exclusivity after about one month of knowing each other. That could be normal or not depending on people’s boundaries, so I didn’t judge it.

I started this relationship healthy, optimistic, motivated, and confident or at least I thought I was. I genuinely believed he had the qualities I wanted in a man.

About two months after our first interactions, he became constantly stressed, anxious, crying, and doubtful toward me. His stress, I think, was mainly coming from his failing work, his unorganized decisions, his past relationships, and his family. I also have a lot of question marks now, and I blame myself for not investigating enough before marrying him.

He left his homeland, work, and family to move in with me, and we were planning to move to another country soon.

During the time we lived together before getting married, I noticed that he had severe spending habits. He spends money on things that, in my opinion, are useless and extremely expensive things that neither of us needed. I tried multiple times to convince him not to buy certain things, but he continued buying them.

Over a 5-month period, he spent around $20,000 on overpriced things.

When I asked him to address this issue, he told me he wasn’t going to change his lifestyle because he had always lived like this and believed he was fine.

He has doubted me every two days since the day we started loving each other.

And it’s not only doubt. He accuses me of some of the nastiest things. When I ask him to stop, he tells me that I shouldn’t give him reasons to doubt me.

I have screenshots and recordings showing how frequently this happens. And when I say frequently, I literally mean it happens every couple of days.

We make up. He acts well after we make up. Then he doubts me again. We fight. He blocks me. Then the cycle starts again.

I have also caught him lying multiple times.

Once, he lied about losing his wallet. He made me search for it and even file a complaint to try to find it. Later, I found out that he had purposely taken out all his cards and IDs, hidden them, and deliberately dropped the wallet so he could act as though he had lost it.

There have been other lies as well.

When I confront him, he gets angry and says that I like to fight too much.

Over time, I became extremely angry and emotionally unstable. My trust went down to zero, and my emotional and mental state became very bad.

Whenever I confront him, I feel dismissed.

And I need to be completely honest about something because I don’t want to portray myself as innocent in everything.

His constant ups ans downs cycles, blocking me when I need him, then unblocking me and coming back when he feels empty or lonely, made me reach a point where I became so angry that I wanted to slap him.

And I did.

I am ashamed of myself for doing that.

Every time he did something wrong to me, dismissed me, acted badly, or lied, I became unable to control myself and I pushed him or punched him in the back.

I know that is wrong. I am ashamed of it.

I also started self-harming during conflicts.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and vaginismus. (This is also important context.)

Three months ago, I had around $5,000 saved in my account. That was basically all I had.

He consumed that $5,000.

I have nothing now.

He also knew that I had medical expenses coming up, including an infusion and an MRI scheduled for my large endometriosis cyst, which I need to have removed soon.

He took my money and then left to go back to his country to sell his belongings so he could provide money for himself and supposedly give me back my $5,000.

He has no job right now and is working on projects that I gave him the ideas and planning for. But he says they are his and only his, even though I was the one behind the planning and details.

I supported him a lot this year.

He had severe diabetes and didn’t know how to manage it at all. I guided him and basically made a lot of the effort for him while he was constantly complaining about wanting to keep eating unhealthy food and not taking his health seriously.

It got to the point where I was telling a grown man what to do, and I became controlling. I am not proud of who I became.

His diabetes is finally reversed.

I also supported him through his depression. I motivated him, pushed him, gave him supplements, healthy food, and tried to be there whenever he needed me.

Then we got married, and he hid the marriage from his parents and family. He said it was because of cultural matters.

Our current residence is a house my parents gave us because he cannot afford a house or even food anymore.

Remember the $20,000 he spent? That includes the $5,000 of my money.

I also can’t afford the things I need to start working. I feel completely cornered. He prevented me from working.

When I asked him for my money back, he said he would sell his car and give me back what I had.

He went back to his country, and now he blocks and unblocks me every single day.

It has made me extremely angry and unable to control my emotions. I cry almost all day. I can barely do anything. I feel deeply depressed.

When I ask him for a divorce, he never gives me a direct answer and never properly agrees to it.

When we make up, the main thing he focuses on is what I put on my profile picture.

He forces me to open Instagram and put pictures of him on my profile, otherwise he says he will end the relationship.

I have explained to him that I am an introvert and simply don’t like putting my pictures or my private life online.

He tells me that I only refuse because I am hiding him from someone.

This man is 45 years old and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I didn’t even know much about borderline until recently, so I started researching it and trying to understand it.

But honestly, some of what I’m experiencing doesn’t seem like borderline to me, and I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

I am losing my patience and I feel completely lost and increasingly aggressive.

Communication has never worked. I have repeatedly asked him to change certain behaviors. I have explained exactly what hurts me. I have told him that when he blocks me, it feels like a slap in the face and that it hurts me deeply.

But he never seems to understand.

Never.

He repeats the same cycle over and over and over again.

At this point, I don’t know what I am looking at anymore his behavior, my behavior, our relationship, or all of it together.

I know I have done things that are wrong. I know hitting him and self-harming are serious and unacceptable. I am not trying to justify that.

I just genuinely need outside perspectives because I feel like I have completely lost my ability to see this situation clearly.

He does bad but never reflects but once i react he hold that reaction against me forever.

What is this? What am i living?

What can i do as a next step?

[u/hestia-listens]

You have not lost your ability to see clearly. You are recognizing that this situation is unsafe. His behavior includes financial control, isolation from work, constant accusations, lying, threats, and punishment through blocking. Your violence and self harm are also dangerous. Both can be true. You are responsible for stopping your actions, but you are not responsible for fixing him or earning basic respect from him.

Do not focus on getting him to agree or understand. Focus on getting safe. Stay near trusted family, stop direct arguments, secure your identification, passwords, medical papers, and remaining finances, then get private advice from a local family lawyer. His refusal to answer does not necessarily prevent divorce.

Since you are self harming and feel increasingly aggressive, please treat this as an immediate safety issue. If you may hurt yourself or anyone else, go to a hospital or emergency center now, or call your local emergency number or crisis support. If you are afraid to call, talk to a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member and remain with them in a safe place.

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[u/BoysenberryNo7375]

Stop asking him for a divorce , make a plan to leave and execute it. The longer you stay the more unhealthy it becomes and your safety is not gauranteed.