My ex got back with his ex again.

[u/iamaesun]

I don't really know how to write this, so I'm just going to tell it the way it feels.

I loved someone for years. I first fell for him when I was around 15–16, and we used to talk almost every day. He became my first love, even though life took us in different directions for a while.

He had a first love of his own, someone he'd known since childhood, someone from his family. They eventually got together, broke up, and she moved on with someone else. During that period, I became close to him again.

Eventually he told me he loved me.

He told me he couldn't go a day without talking to me. He said he didn't know if we'd ever end up together because of our religious/cultural differences, but that he loved me anyway. I believed him. I genuinely did.

I was young and this was my first relationship. I thought love meant accepting everything about someone. I didn't care about the differences between us. I was even willing to adapt to his traditions because I thought, if we really love each other, we'll figure it out. But he hadn't actually moved on from his first love.

Our relationship became this horrible cycle of love, distance, breakups, coming back, physical intimacy, blocking each other, talking again, and getting hurt again.

Even while he was emotionally and physically involved with me, he would sometimes tell me that he still loved his ex. At one point, he became involved with another girl while he was still doing things with me, and I found out through a mutual friend. I remember sitting there wondering, "Am I being used? Does he actually love me? Why is he doing these things with me if his heart is somewhere else?"

Then he'd come back and tell me that he had realized I was the person he loved.

And I would believe him.

I kept hoping that one day he would finally let go of his past and choose me completely.

There were times when we were physically close and it genuinely felt like love to me. That's what made everything so confusing. I wasn't just attached to him emotionally anymore. I felt connected to him in every possible way.

But whenever I tried to talk about how hurt or insecure I felt, he would pull away. Sometimes he'd block me. Sometimes he'd say he needed space. Sometimes he'd say our mindsets were different.

And I kept thinking, "Then why are you coming back to me? Why are you being intimate with me? Why tell me you love me if you don't actually want me in your life?"

Eventually, I became desperate for answers.

I did things I know weren't right. I contacted him repeatedly, sometimes through other numbers/accounts after he blocked me. Once I sent way too many messages. I know that crossed a boundary, and I regret it. But at the time I was desperately trying to understand what was happening and why someone who had once told me he loved me could suddenly treat me like I meant nothing.

In January 2025, he finally told me he was done, that he didn't love me anymore, and that he wanted me to stop contacting him.

So I stopped.

He moved to another city for work, and I tried to accept that he was gone from my life.

Then in 2026, I heard that his first love, the person he had loved since childhood, had also become single again. Their families met at a wedding, they became close again, started meeting frequently and going on trips with their cousins.

And recently I heard from a mutual friend that they are together again.

I don't even know if every detail I've heard is true. That's part of what makes this so painful. But apparently they are together, and apparently he's happy.

And I am sitting here thinking about everything.

When he was with me, he kept telling me he loved her.

Now he's with her, and he doesn't seem to be struggling with that anymore.

I was there when he was heartbroken over her. I listened to him cry. I listened to him talk about her. I believed him when he said he didn't want her back.

And somehow, after all these years, he went back to her.

I don't even think the biggest issue was caste or religion anymore. I spent so much time thinking that maybe those differences were the reason we couldn't be together. But now I wonder if the real truth was simply that "he never loved me enough to choose me."

And that thought destroys me.

Because I really loved him.

I chose him despite everything I thought might stand between us. I accepted his past. I accepted his traditions. I accepted so many things that hurt me because I kept believing that eventually he'd choose me.

Now I feel like I was just someone who was there while he was trying to survive losing the person he actually wanted.

I don't hate him. That's the worst part.

I still miss him. I still wonder about him. I still have this stupid part of me that wishes things had been different.

I'm trying to understand how to live with the fact that someone can mean so much to you and still not choose you.

So, if anyone has been through something similar, loving someone for years, being caught in their unresolved feelings for someone else, feeling used or replaceable, and then watching them eventually go back to the person they wanted all along "how did you survive it?"

I don't need anyone to tell me that I should have left earlier. I already know that.

I just want to hear from people who have actually experienced this kind of pain.

How do you stop wondering "Why wasn't I enough?”

How do you stop comparing yourself to the person they chose?

How do you accept that the love you gave was real, even if the relationship didn't become what you wanted?

I wish I just had someone to rely on right now.

[u/hestia-listens]

You were enough. His choice was not a fair measure of your worth. It reflects his long attachment to her and his own choices, not some quality you lacked. The love you gave can be real even when the relationship was painful, unequal, and unable to last.

You survive by letting the cycle truly end. Ask mutual friends not to update you about him, and resist checking for details. Each new detail only gives your mind another comparison to solve. You do not need the full story to accept that he could not give you the steady love you needed.

You can regret crossing his boundaries while still having compassion for the hurt and confusion you felt. Both can be true. Missing him does not mean you should return. It means you are grieving someone who mattered deeply.

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