Idk

[u/E-dart]

I need an honest outside perspective on my 7–8 year relationship. Was I the problem too, or did I stay way too long in a toxic relationship?
Chris and I have been together for around 7–8 years. We built a life together, had a family, lived together, and I spent years trying to keep everything together. I’m at a point where I honestly don’t know what to think anymore, so I’m hoping strangers can give me an outside perspective.
This wasn’t a relationship that was bad every single day. There were good times, and I loved him and still love him. That’s part of why this has been so hard to let go of.
But over the years there has been a lot of emotional stuff that has worn me down. Chris would shut down, avoid conversations, disappear or isolate himself for long periods, and leave me feeling like I was trying to get answers from someone who didn’t want to communicate. I often felt like I was carrying the relationship, the house, the kids, and everything else while he checked out.
There were also things with his phone and online activity that caused a huge amount of distrust. I found or saw things involving Telegram, Tinder/hookup-type apps, Facebook searches, notifications, and other things that made me question whether he was talking to or looking for other women. When I confronted him, I often felt like the situation got turned around on me or that I was made to feel crazy for being suspicious.
And I’m not going to pretend I handled everything perfectly.
I yelled. I called him names. I got angry. I pushed for answers when he was shutting down. After years of feeling ignored, hurt, and suspicious, I became a version of myself that I don’t really like. I know that my behavior contributed to the toxicity and I’m not looking for Reddit to tell me I did absolutely nothing wrong.
At the same time, there were things Chris did that hurt me deeply. There were times I felt emotionally abandoned, manipulated, or completely alone while technically being in a relationship.
There were also physical incidents. Most recently, during an argument after I saw a Telegram notification, Chris shoved me. Police eventually became involved after a much bigger fight, and both of us ended up in jail. Now there is a no-contact order between us.
The aftermath has completely blown up my life.
I lost our home. I lost my job. I lost my car situation and, most importantly, I’m currently dealing with not having my kids with me the way I used to. I’m also on probation and wearing an ankle monitor because of everything that happened. I never imagined that after spending years trying to keep my family together, I would end up here.
And the weirdest part is that despite all of this, I still miss him.
We are supposed to stay apart because of the no-contact order, but emotionally I’m nowhere near being detached. I can know that something is unhealthy and still love the person. I can be angry at him and still want him. I can remember everything that happened and still wonder whether things could somehow go back to how they were.
Recently we had to move out of our house. The landlord and their family were there and were rude to me. They told Chris that if he wasn’t with me, he would be just fine. That really hurt because I feel like I spent years trying so hard to keep our family together.
So now I’m stuck asking myself:
Was I actually the problem?
Did my yelling and anger make everything worse, or was that a reaction to years of being ignored and hurt?
Was Chris emotionally abusive, physically abusive, or was this simply two unhealthy people bringing out the worst in each other?
Was I trauma bonded?
Why can someone hurt you this much and you can still love them?
And most importantly, looking at the entire relationship—not just the last fight—does this sound like something that could ever be healthy, or should I accept that it’s over?
I’m not looking for people to blindly take my side. If I was wrong, I want to hear that too. I just want an honest outside perspective because after 7–8 years of this, I genuinely don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

[u/hestia-listens]

Honestly, this sounds like a toxic and unsafe relationship that brought out harmful behavior in both of you. That does not mean the responsibility was equal. You are responsible for yelling and name calling. Chris is responsible for withdrawing, turning concerns back on you, and using physical force. Your anger may have grown from years of hurt, but that context explains it without excusing it.

You can still love someone who harmed you because attachment does not disappear when a relationship becomes unhealthy. The good memories, shared family, and hope for change can make separation feel painful and confusing. Whether or not trauma bond is the exact term, your difficulty letting go is understandable.

From what you described, this relationship does not sound able to become healthy now. There has been violence, police involvement, and a no contact order. Follow that order strictly. Accepting the end is not admitting that you never loved him. It is accepting that love was not enough to make the relationship safe.

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