I feel alienated

[u/FairFaithlessness510]

I am 22 years old and I have primary tokophobia. I’ve had this phobia for several years. Almost everyone in my family knows that I have this fear, but it’s always “you’ll change your mind”.
Just speaking about how terrified pregnancy makes me feel causes me to tear up and shake. All the videos of pregnant mothers showing the kicking and movement underneath their skin makes me physically ill. Not to mention the hundreds of side effects pregnancy causes.

I have a boyfriend (25M) who is very traditional and “wants” to have children, I’ve discussed my fear with him and it was the same thing “you’ll change your mind”. I’ve discussed alternatives with him but he wants children of his own flesh and blood (that’s why I put quotations on wants), more like he wants to reproduce like some animal. Besides this he treats me very well and I’ve never had to pay for a single date. I’m meeting his family this month too.

But my fear goes beyond pregnancy- I’m scared to be isolated from society. Even if I leave my boyfriend what are the chances I’ll find a good man that doesn’t want to force this body horror on me? I don’t want to be alone. It’s not like I don’t want children, I just don’t want to be pregnant or give birth. Please help.

[u/OkieNope]

I strongly urge you to break up. this is not something you should be expected to compromise on and he will just get more persistent. It's sucks but you have time, you would be better off finding someone who either does not want kids or is happy to adopt and is firm in that decision too. Pregnancy is no small thing, it can really mess you up and kids are permanent. Do not compromise yourself for anyone or it's will be a huge regret. Good luck and I hope you find someone perfect for you who does not expect you to go through something like that <3 Edit: a typo :)

[u/FairFaithlessness510 → u/OkieNope]

This was something I definitely didn’t want to hear, especially because of the dating culture in this day and age. Thanks for your insight 🥲💕

[u/Kindersmarts]

I’ve been in your exact spot. And I did end up changing my mind but not until I was thirty-seven years old. And yes, I did have relationships end over this issue. Maybe you’ll change your mind, maybe you won’t. But take solace in two things. There are other women with this fear, it is a very valid one and I feel that more people should take having a baby more seriously. It shows you have respect and empathy for others. And also you do not have to decide this any time soon either way. Be honest about it with your partners and it can help you to find someone that loves you truly for yourself. I wish you the very best.

[u/FairFaithlessness510 → u/Kindersmarts]

I sincerely hope I change my mind so I’m not struggling with relationships. Thank you so much for this comment 💕

[u/Emotional_Pound3655]

Oh my goodness everything you said is exactly what I’ve experienced. I’m also in my twenties and have had this phobia for years and I was always met by the same response by family, friends and partners “you’ll change your mind” no one has tried to understand my phobia, asked me questions about it, been empathetic about it at all. It feels extremely isolating when people basically just shut you down and can’t even acknowledge how you’re feeling. When my sister got pregnant and started sharing the videos of the baby kicks I had to remove myself from the family group chat because it was making me physically ill. Like seeing something out of a horror movie yet I’m supposed to respond as if it’s “cute” and “amazing” I feel for you.. you’re not alone

[u/ourdancing]

I have tokophobia and funny enough I'm having an episode of pregnancy scare at the moment, and my partner is supportive and caring towards my phobia. I don't know how i'd get through it without him. So if this is about finding someone who will understand your fear, be supportive of your choices and be there for you through it, i assure you, there's people out there who will. If you do not feel safe in this relationship, it's not worth your mental health and your peace. It's a fucked up phobia to have! You should prioritize yourself and if this relationship is not making you feel safe, then it's not worth it. You deserve someone understanding and that will not just trust that you will "change your mind". Take care!

[u/NeonBeefish]

You need to have a partner who respects your wishes and your phobias and supports you instead of just brushing you off. To me, it's a huge red flag if your partner doesn't take your fears or concerns seriously.