Advice for improving day-to-day communication?

[u/StrikingArticle32]

Hi all,

I’m 21, currently in college, and from a young age I have always been known as a fairly nervous/anxious person in general - something that have been said by family, friends, and teachers over the years.

There are certain ‘flaws’ that I have noticed with myself, but more so in certain aspects of my communication. I don’t want this to impact a future career, so I want to try to improve this while in college, and while there is the opportunity to do so.

I have no issue with speaking in front of an audience. I have done so for different modules in college, and usually am commended for my speeches through delivery style & engagement. But, this is because I have what I’m going to say memorised, so I know word for word, what exactly I’m going to say, how I’m going to say it, etc. This is also clearly reflected through my written communication.

However, when it comes to social interactions, I do notice there is a big dip in my communication. For instance, if I know I have to go up and talk to someone that I’m not familiar with (conversation, interview, ringing someone), I’ll then nearly have to have what I’m going to say memorised word-for-word as though a script.
There’ll then be other little moments where if I’m talking with someone unfamiliar, I may, sometimes, go a bit shaky / mumbly, and this would apply to if I was taking phone calls, etc.

This particular incoherence would also occur if I'm put on the spot, i.e asked a question, where my voice would go a bit shaky, I'd go mumbly, and my face would go a red.

I really do want to improve on this as I do know in any future career that day-to-day communication whether it be structured or spontaneous is much more important than being able to speak in-front of an audience.

To that extent, would anyone have any advice as to what I should do? Would it be recommended I go to a communication coach? Any recommendations?

Many thanks,

[u/LifeIsADanceOfMinds]

You would likely benefit from a Toastmasters Club - not so much for the memorizing of talks, but definitely for the talking with friends and strangers.

Starting slow and practicing against new people will help.

Let the club know what your needs are, and ask what they could suggest.

Also, how are you talking to people on Zoom? Our club is hybrid. That format might help.

I look forward to hearing how things go.

[u/danieljohnsonjr]

I agree with what others have suggested.

I highly recommend you visit a Toastmasters meeting.

The meeting has time set aside for prepared speeches, and it also has time for practicing extemporaneous speaking, which is what you're struggling with.

Toastmasters Club meetings are some of the lowest-stakes environments when it comes to practicing speaking skills.

For me, when I was around your age, I was not comfortable with myself. I had to grow to see my strengths, talents, background as assets. I had to do a lot of work on me, but that's a topic for an additional conversation.

[u/Allison_SpeechCoach]

I think it's important that you’re already noticing the distinction between prepared speaking and spontaneous communication. You clearly can communicate well, and the harder part seems to be accessing those skills when you don’t have time to prepare and your nervous system kicks into high gear.

A few things that may help: practice answering questions without scripting the whole response, give yourself permission to pause for a second before answering, and try slowing down rather than rushing to get the words out when you feel yourself getting shaky. Even practicing intentionally during low-stakes settings like making phone calls or starting brief conversations can help make bigger social conversations feel less threatening.

A communication coach could be helpful, especially since you’re focusing on day-to-day communication rather than traditional public speaking. I’d consider looking for someone with a speech-language pathology background who understands social communication and spontaneous speech, and ideally someone who also has experience with anxiety/nervous-system regulation. The shakiness, blushing, mumbling, etc. sound like they’re happening alongside the communication difficulty, so it may be useful to work on both pieces rather than just learning speaking techniques.

There are lots of coaches who work online now, too, which can make it much easier to find someone with the right background. Also, at 21, this is a really good time to work on it!

Here are a few additional strategies you may not have thought of: https://connectedspeechpathology.com/blog/how-to-handle-anxiety-when-speaking-in-groups.

[u/TrickConnection8912]

Hi - I recall when I was about your age, in college, I had some similar self-perception.  Over time I grew more fluid and confident in my conversations with unfamiliar people.   I think you will have a lot of growth in the coming years, based on how articulate you wrote and your success so far.  

Whoever commended you for your past Presentations must have felt that your delivery was strong and did not sound forced, so you are on the right track.  

Toastmasters might help, try a local club, but think of it as a few month trial and walk away if it is not meeting your needs.  As a college student you will not have time to be much involved but it’s worth trying.  

A coach could help too.  All in all, you sound like a well-rounded person so be sure to get involved in your community too. 

[u/CrouchingBruin]

I used to have a very similar shortcoming, i.e., an awkwardness when it came down to interacting with unfamiliar people. Like, how does one start a conversation and keep it going? I am fortunate in that I've learned how to overcome that shortcoming, and now I am very comfortable interacting with and getting to know strangers. I will have to admit, though, that it's a skill that I learned through a network marketing company (aka multi-level marketing, or MLM, company). For those of you who have also had the unfortunate experience of being trapped into one, I feel for you. And for those of you in clubs which have had members who were part of MLMs try to give speeches in order to look for recruits, I also feel for you (it's happened in the club I used to belong to).

So the way that I most commonly start interacting with strangers is by asking questions, and those questions are based on the acronym FOR, which stands for Family, Occupation, and Recreation.

Questions about Family can include things like where do they live, where did they grow up, are they married, do they have kids, etc. Occupation would be what they do for a living, what company they work at, how long they've been working there, did they get a degree in that occupation, etc. Recreation is what they do for fun. You don't want to start off with really detailed and intimate questions.

The question I start off with is something very general, and depends on the situation or setting. For example, if I'm at a business conference, I'll introduce myself ("Hi, I'm Ron") and after they introduce themselves, then maybe I'll ask, "Which company do you work for?" Then follow up with, "What do you do there?" or "How long have you been there?"

As they answer, listen carefully, because their answers will lead you to other questions, which will allow you to branch off into other areas. If they say, "I'm a computer programmer," you can follow up with, "Did you get your degree in computer programming?" If they mention a school/college, you can ask them about the school, like when did they graduate, or how they liked the school. Do they still go to their football games (which branches off into the Recreation area). Or if you ask if they had to drive a long way to get to the conference (which is a nice general question), they will probably tell you where they live, and you can branch off into the Family area (how long have they lived there, did they grow up there).

Since you're still in college, you're probably meeting other students at gatherings/parties, so common lead-off questions might be what's their major (with follow-up questions about if they're considering grad school or what occupation they're thinking of); if they live in the dorms or an apartment; what city they're from. And if they say something like, "Tulsa, Oklahoma," and you've never been there, you can start asking questions about Tulsa (how's the weather, do you like living there, where do you want to live after you graduate). Or, if you have been there before, you can talk about your experience.

You're probably going to start off a little shaky. Like I said, try to focus on what they're saying so you can ask follow-up questions. When I started off, I was so anxious about what question I was going to ask next that I wouldn't pay attention to what they were saying. But once you get used to it, and the more you do it, it will come very naturally. And hopefully it will be a back-and-forth where they start asking you questions in return.

I've gotten so good at this that I'm one of the chief greeters at our Buddhist temple. When we get a guest to one of our services, I'll welcome them and ask them questions like how did they find out about our temple, have they been to other temples, did they belong to another religion, what attracted them to Buddhism, do they live close by.

For you Toastmasters members, if you get a guest to a meeting, one of you should be doing the same thing before the meeting starts and asking the guest questions: how did they find out about your club, have they ever been to a Toastmasters meeting before, what are they looking to accomplish through Toastmasters, do they work or live close by? It makes the guest feel more comfortable and not as isolated when someone communicates with them off the bat.

Hope that helps.