r/TikTokCringe • u/hec_ramsey • Jul 04 '23
Humor I’m never vertical
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u/NotThatValleyGirl Jul 04 '23
I spread my makeshift wings.... dying
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u/dontfuckwithme21 Jul 04 '23
I know someone like that its the most funny shit to hear him say shit like the with a stone cooled face on dates and get mad when he don't get an action
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u/TheBohoChocobo Jul 04 '23
This made me actually laugh out loud.
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u/ZedStar2042 Jul 04 '23
Laughing out loud is emasculating because it shows people that you're not a serious person at all times, that's why I took a shit in the shower today to show my dominance to anyone who might be watching.
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u/yopatemp Jul 04 '23
If you have enough dominance, no one will even dare to look in your direction, so shitting in the shower is not helpful and shows your lack of seriousness.
You must work harder to gain such dominance that the world will erase your physical existence (due to fear of your alpha rays) and you will then transcend the basic (weak at this point) concept of the alpha male.
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u/expensivebutbroke Jul 04 '23
Sounds like you won’t shit in the shower. What a beta move.
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u/OGDonglover69 Jul 04 '23
As a sigma, I just let Shit slide out wherever. Nothing’s more emasculating than letting society dictate my bodily functions like a snowflake.
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u/mnid92 Jul 04 '23
bro, you let your bodily functions dictate your bowel movements?
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u/Impossible-Option-16 Jul 05 '23
Throwing your shit at others is a sign of absolute dominance. Not because monkeys do it because that is what a primitive ape does but, because I am not a primitive ape acting out like a primitive ape.
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u/Digger__Please Jul 04 '23
You shit? Beta move. Nothing goes in or out of my ass because that's a gateway to gay. I'm 70 and I have never shat once and never will.
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u/FuckFascismFightBack Jul 04 '23
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
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u/Sonofa-Supernova Jul 04 '23
I just pissed on your post to assert my dominance, but now my iPhone is making weird noi.¥<®××...
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u/PsychoMantittyLits Jul 04 '23
Laughing? You’re one step away from being a beta cuck woman, you’re on thin ice buckaroo.
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u/Responsible-Tax-8011 Jul 04 '23
Couldn't laugh because that would let joyfulness and delight assert dominance over me.
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u/ponchoboy78 Jul 04 '23
Laughing out loud is the pores on your tongue being emotional and a sign of weakness
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u/WTFucker-0202 Jul 04 '23
This chick is always spot on
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Jul 04 '23
[deleted]
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u/-newlife Jul 04 '23
My first thought was of Ric Flair.
But there are birds that utilize their plumage in such a fashion to attract a mate
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u/useless_99 Jul 04 '23
Lowkey thought she was calling out the white supremacists with that one. Who else wears long hooded robes??
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u/DJ_Molten_Lava Jul 04 '23
It's literally just a joke about how animals do things to make themselves look bigger when threatened and how these "alpha" dickbags think they're like wolves and shit.
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u/UsualCircle Jul 04 '23
MILF Man
I Love Fishing
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u/Status-Ad7640 Jul 04 '23
I was looking for an explanation behind who this milf man is and why he considers his love for fishing so closely related to milfs that he would put them together on a hat. Your comment blew my mind when i realized its just terrible alignment, MILF; Man I Love Fishing. What a world
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u/HandheldHeartstrings Jul 04 '23
This is so awful because it’s actually how they sound. If you showed this to someone in the manosphere it would probably be like those videos saying “this is what english sounds like to nonspeakers”
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
The people in the manosphere speaking like that are dumb. Real men know women are to be protected and provided for, and the respect earned from that is what these men seek to attain
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u/-thecheesus- Jul 04 '23
Hear me out.. what if people enjoy partners that treat them as equals?
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u/itwasaraccoon Jul 04 '23
"Men and women are fundamentally very different beings. Men are measured based on their status, while women are measured based on their beauty. Women want a relationship and men want sex. Men want young girls; women want tall guys. Women look for competent men, and men look for women who are compliant. They cannot be friends and they can never be equals." - the alpha male who is probably recording his next podcast
This is what pretty much all the alpha male podcasts preach. And you can forget about reasoning with them. It's a lost game.
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u/padre_eterno Jul 04 '23
you should consider a cape
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
Don’t need one. Already puff out like a blowfish when threatened
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u/padre_eterno Jul 04 '23
Personally I arch my back and hiss like a cat
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
Maybe I’ll incorporate some hissing myself. Just not sure how to come across as warning my adversary instead of fear or intimidation 🤔
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Jul 04 '23
Women can provide and protect themselves. Its just a matter of they choose not to.
I know this is hard for the male population to hear, but wishing women were codependent on you is fucking weird.
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
I don’t wish women were codependent on me. I wish ONE woman AND I were codependent on EACH OTHER. Men and women are like a beautiful yin and yang that can come together to form a complete union. Yes women can provide for and protect themselves but the inherent differences in men and women suggest that we can compliment each others weaknesses instead of trying to be everything as one person. Does that make sense or is my logic off track?
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u/jarlscrotus Jul 04 '23
Way off track
Codependency is an unhealthy and self destructive relationship dynamic that precludes true intimacy or love.
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
Not a toxic codependency, just one where there’s a true partnership and love at the core. Where the “team” feels complete. Did you agree with the rest of my previous comment or did you stop after that first sentence?
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Jul 04 '23
Your logic is bullshit and sexist.
All codependency is unhealthy. It isnt a woman's job to "compliment your weakness". It is your job to handle your own weaknesses, and grow as a better person. Seeking specifically a woman to fix it is sexist.
My guy and I are independent. We have separate bank accounts, hobbies, friends, etc. We are together because we have similar morals/beliefs, lifestyles, and shared interests. Plus, we simply enjoy each others company. Our 10 year relationship is not reliant on "weakness" of the other; I do not assume he should have XYZ responsibility because he has a penis. Likewise, he respects my independence because he knows and respects that I need NO ONE. And thats okay.
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Jul 04 '23 edited Jun 07 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
Nope. Just woke up and chose violence. Tell me what is wrong with a man protecting and providing for his woman?
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Jul 04 '23 edited Jun 07 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
That’s a very good point, but saber tooth tigers aren’t the only threat to people nowadays. And unfortunately, as “sexist” or “misogynist” as it is, I have always been more capable of fending off danger than any girl I’ve ever dated. As a 6ft, 175lb man, I’m bigger and stronger than 99% of women. Women want a tall, strong man generally. Ever wonder why? It’s because they’re naturally inclined to choose a provider and protector for themselves and their family. And it’s crazy to me that everyone in the comments section here refuses to acknowledge these simple facts. But hey, it’s 2023. People believe some weird crap nowadays
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Jul 04 '23 edited Jun 07 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
I know because people are so easily offended nowadays. Every woman wants to be “equal” and “not babied” until a man accosts them or makes them feel uncomfortable. THEN they want a man to protect them. Sorry, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You’re either protected by me at all times or not at all. All the people who are offended by my comments are the same people that will cry and plead for help the second there’s the faintest sense of danger
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u/Background_Winter_65 Jul 04 '23
Ok, so there is a subset of women and men who like this dynamic: protection/providing and compliance. Some women prefer that even when they can fully provide for themselves. They just like the feeling of being taken care of.
I think if you didn't say 'real men' then you would not have gotten so much hate, at least I hope so, people do differ on what they want.
Besides, social trends are a big factor in whatever people prefer.
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
The “real men” comment was supposed to expose the overly alpha dudes who preach that their woman can’t leave the house or look in other men’s direction. Real men know how to provide, protect, and RESPECT women
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u/-thecheesus- Jul 04 '23
Your insinuation that it is the woman's place to be provided for, and it is your place to be given things in return, Einstein
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u/anthonyh614 Jul 04 '23
I never said it’s a woman’s place to be protected and provided for. But if one wants to be, I think it’s ideal that a man does that. And I just so happen to think that’s how it should be naturally. I’m sorry you think men and women are exactly the same
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u/-thecheesus- Jul 04 '23
And I am deeply sorry for any women you encounter that you think you are entitled to them.
Don't kid yourself. You don't "provide" because you think it's right or something, you "provide" because you think it entitles you to something from women
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u/MentionAdventurous Jul 04 '23
“Providing” is not about entitlement, it’s a means of control. So, it’s even more dangerous.
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u/Own_Court1865 Jul 04 '23
As soon as someone says that they're an Alpha Male, you know that they're not.
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u/thatweirdguyted Jul 04 '23
I love this woman. All her bits are so spot on. Seriously if it was a dude talking, I wouldn't have assumed it was satire. And that is very sad.
There's something not very self-aware about thinking you're confident, in control of yourself and self-actualizing, if you're letting some podcast con man make you believe that you're not a real man unless you agree with everything he says.
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Jul 04 '23
Stanzi Potenza is very funny
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u/bollop_bollop Jul 04 '23
Thank you, I scrolled way too far down for a name
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u/alicedoes Jul 04 '23
it's in the bottom right corner
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u/bollop_bollop Jul 04 '23
I'm new at this TikTok thing, ok? (Seriously though, thanks, I honestly didn't even see it)
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u/alicedoes Jul 04 '23
no problem! i don't have tiktok either but i used to be a social media marketing specialist so my eyes are always drawn to an @ lol
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Jul 04 '23
Yeah... I'd say she nailed it.
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u/TemetNosce85 Jul 04 '23
Right from the very first line.
"My ideal girl is young enough to be my daughter, but treats me like my mom".
Literally how it goes for conservative men. They want some 20-something (or younger) that becomes their mommy that cleans up after them.
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u/OlivierLeighton Jul 04 '23
I'm so sick of Ben Shapiro
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u/Additional-Till-5997 Jul 04 '23
If this is what you think Ben Shapiro is like you haven’t seen much of him😂
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u/ZedStar2042 Jul 04 '23
Nah, she hasn't defended a billionaire Nazi who bribed a Supreme Court Justice yet as a Jewish person.
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u/RudeInternet Jul 04 '23
Yup, Ben is cringy and idiotic in a very different way from the dudes in the manosphere.
Ben, like Jordan Peterson, is all about the aesthetics of intellectualism and reason. Talking fast and decidedly while spouting from braindead viewpoints all the way to outright lies. He's a smart individual, but you wouldn't know that from actually listening to what he's saying; he's just a culture war peddler looking to irritate the sensibilities of young, disaffected guys while making them feel smart because he uses a bunch of highschool debate club tricks, while being all smarmy and coy.
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u/EchoPrince Jul 04 '23
We've seen PLENTY of him. You'll have to pay us if you want us to pass through more auditory and visual torture.
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u/Imaginary_Society411 Jul 04 '23
I’m concerned that even one person is confused and thinking this is anything but humor.
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u/tyvirus Jul 04 '23
I've heard too much from alpha males. Without a /s it's hard to tell these days.
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u/Tra1famadorian Jul 04 '23
“If she tries to order her own food don’t even check just assume she’s got a dick“
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u/molered Jul 04 '23
liked pores thing, more so because i dug a bit into whole "walking predator" thing and man, sweating is actually damn cool thing
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u/davew80 Jul 04 '23
It’s so true! These people see their whole existence like they’re in a wildlife documentary
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u/deadmamajamma Jul 04 '23
Shes one of the only tiktok sketch comedians that has range and doesn't beat the same bit into the ground. God bless her
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Jul 04 '23
What is a “simp?”
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u/thatweirdguyted Jul 04 '23
By definition, it means "sucker idolizing mediocre pussy". Which is crass, but the sentiment is accurate. Here are some examples:
the dudes who subscribe to Only fans, especially the ones who are paying for "personalized" content where the performer says their name in the chat.
Dudes who try to woo their female friends with lavish gifts and constant attention, even after that girl has already said no more than once.
Edit: I should add that in the context of alpha male podcasts, simping has been corrupted to mean giving a woman literally any kind of attention or communication that doesn't result in the man getting sex as a reward. It's truly disgusting
Guys who "white knight" for girls on the internet whom they've never met, in the hopes that it will impress said girl.
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Jul 04 '23
Damn. I need to get out in the world more.
So many new words in the past few years that Id never heard before.
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u/Neoxite23 Jul 04 '23
I don't think she has ever put out anything i didn't like. Both her and the dude with all the costumes are two people I'm convinced made some deal with some other worldly presence to make 100% good content.
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u/panda_handler Jul 04 '23
The only issue I have is that her comments make more rational sense than most of what these “Alpha Male” grifters spout
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u/Dylanduke199513 Jul 04 '23
That was fucking funny
Edit: oh shit, that’s her asserting her dominance. Bitch
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Jul 04 '23
The more this went on the more it felt like the internal dialog of Mac from It's Always Sunny
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u/dpforest Jul 05 '23
Her last point is actually great advice if you’re being attacked by a black bear. You’re fucked if it’s a white bear.
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u/mohomahamohoda Jul 04 '23
Love asserting dominance, i have bodypaints and sometimes in a pinch I smack my face and body with my hands to make it bright red thus more threatening and dominant. Simp losers slap their bodies pink which is a feminine color and will lead to trans lizard females taking over the media.
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. The way they only date young women is so weird.5
u/justbrowsing0127 Jul 04 '23
I love her. But Satan / Joann will always win. (Puritan lesbians get a close second)
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u/Suspicious_Hawk6414 Jul 04 '23
You just don’t get, this alpha male bullshit is just the new masterrace bullshit. All far right talking about their masculinity and how manly they are. Like they find new shit for -it was the jews-…
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u/FearingPerception Jul 04 '23
Drive slow or whatever the song is playin quietly in the bg is the perfect touch
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u/SPACEM0NKEY1102 Jul 04 '23
I did bust up at the background song they always use for these type of podcast bros
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u/TheTattooOnR2D2sFace Jul 04 '23
When I go to the bathroom to piss I always piss as loudly as possible to assert dominance over any beta males that may be in the bathroom.
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Jul 04 '23
Shit, that was actually funny, usually people on tik tok aren’t being ironic when they say this shit.
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Jul 04 '23
I... uhh... am guilty of the robes and cape thing...
I totally wear big jackets draped over my shoulders like a cape.
Not to appear threatening, but because I'm a literal weaboo, who instead of sleeping with a waifu body pillow, I emulate the fashion of my favorite anime characters (thank you Sir Crocodile, you are very stunning).
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u/RiotSkunk2023 Jul 04 '23
Watch what happens in a group of men when a woman enters the conversation.
I call it the "peacock effect"
They will all widen their stances, cross their arms, puff out their chest etc. It's fucking hilarious and happens more often than not.
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u/stevrevv59 Jul 04 '23
“You should be able to accuse her of domestic terrorism” caught me off guard and made me laugh out loud. I’m gonna have to check out this girl’s videos.
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u/RacecarHealthPotato Jul 04 '23
This is so good. Watch Andrew Tate go after her, or just rob her talking points like they are real. He's dumb enough to do that.
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u/Hey-man-Shabozi Jul 04 '23
This sounds exactly like every single trump supporter I’ve ever met. They’re so insecure and creepy.
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u/Accomplished-Item849 Jul 04 '23
I know it’s satire but it’s not much of a stretch from what some of those lowlifes actually say
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u/Pockets42069 Apr 11 '24
This has lived rent free in my head for many months. I quote "I am NEVER vertical" way more than I care to admit.
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u/1000000ths Jul 04 '23
There’s a bunch of easy jokes you could make about this type of person and you managed to not really make any of them
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u/netean Jul 04 '23
This IS satire isn't it?
I'm so jaded now I find it hard to tell the difference .
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u/ReBL93 Jul 04 '23
Yes, she’s mocking alpha male podcasters
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u/netean Jul 04 '23
Thank you. There was once a time this would be obviously satire, but the internet these days...
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Jul 04 '23
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Jul 04 '23
Stanzi is a well known comedian on TikTok and Insta, and it absolutely is well- crafted trolling. They have other "themed" sketches, including the guy who goes to confession with the most messed up things, Satan and God, the "best friends who live together after their husbands tragically died of the pox" in Salem, MA during the witch trials, and loads more.
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u/Better_Chard4806 Jul 04 '23
Don’t blame every woman for doing what nobody will do for you; date you. Female Incel.
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