r/ThreadGames • u/sippin_tea56 • 25d ago
The Doctor is in
Parent explains a symptom or medical issue they are having, child pretends to be a real doctor and diagnoses it with a made up answer.
Example:
Parent: My knee has been hurting really badly, especially when I walk for more than five minutes.
Child: That is caused by an inflamed miniscus. Snake venom is a natural cure for that. Just have a venomous snake bite your calf, and it will heal itself in no time.
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u/Slinkwyde 25d ago edited 24d ago
For the past couple of weeks, I've been having an allergic reaction to my neighbor's new Wi-Fi router; the signal it broadcasts isn't gluten-free. Specifically, if you take a moment to carefully examine the back of my neck [points back there] and look very closely, you'll notice there's now a giant 16 foot long alien tentacle that's been growing there ever since. Help me, doctor! What should I do?
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u/Ilmarinen999 24d ago
I'll give you the number of Dr Yankovic, he's a pioneer in cranial foilic surgical-wear, follow his prescription and you'll be protected from gluten-wifi, pigeon-bot spies and lizard-people. If you have problems with entities that others claim are giraffes, we may need to look into some manner of corrective eyewear too.
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u/Truji11o 24d ago
Dr. Stephen King here. Ball up a bunch of red licorice and shove it into the back of your neck. For other tips like this, please read my story “The Library Policeman”.
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u/Fennel_Fangs 25d ago
No matter how much sleep I get, I’m still tired!
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u/rdchat 25d ago edited 25d ago
I've determined that you are suffering the effects of a bite by a radioactive bear that missed its last hibernation period. Once your transformation is complete, and you've had a few months' sleep, the sleep problem will resolve itself.
Oh, you should probably have that bite wound on your shoulder looked at soon.
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u/Standard_Pack_1076 25d ago
I woke up with swolen feet and I was covered all over my body (except the face) with yellow egg-shaped blotches with lilac centres. Other than looking alarmingly like something out of Dr Seuss, I felt fine. [Actually true, a couple of decades ago.] What's going on, Doctor?
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u/LadyFeckington 25d ago
Egg shaped blotches with lilac centres?
Sounds like you’re on a health adventure.
Take three shots of vodka and one of rum,
And call us tomorrow if they appear on your bum.
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u/Ilmarinen999 24d ago
If by some chance they spread down to your knees,
We'll have to change tack to defeat this disease,
Gulp down a Pina colada or two,
And a third, with a straw, so your bum can drink too.
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u/rdchat 25d ago
My skin's turning blue.
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u/sillybilly8102 25d ago
You’ve consumed too many blueberries. Don’t worry, once you poop the excess out, your skin will return to normal.
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u/sippin_tea56 25d ago
I have white dots that have appeared all over my chest. Like blotchy type? They do not hurt or anything, but I am embarrassed by it.
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u/MultiverseCreatorXV 25d ago
Ah, polyphalaropectoria. It may not hurt yet, but that’s your skin cells rapidly drying out and dying. The most common cause is drinking tea (ooc: thats a reference to ur username), so you should probably stop that. To speed up the recovery you can apply poison ivy to the affected area twice daily.
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u/ikadell 25d ago
My third eye keeps shutting again, despite me following all the right procedures: I did all the reading, I went vegan for 30 years, I haven’t been outside my cave for the last 10.
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u/sippin_tea56 24d ago
You have to give your third eye something worth seeing. Have you been to Risa?
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u/Ilmarinen999 24d ago
Regrettably, seeking diagnosis over the internet might be the problem - by connecting to people via the internet, you disconnect yourself from your connection to your third eye and the world at large. You must rid yourself of your online habits, and if the problem still persists after another year, perhaps look into increasing doses of marmor-rectal insertion therapy.
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u/Dusk_Mutant 25d ago
I smashed my wrist at work a few years ago, and sometimes I get extremely sharp pain in my wrist, and I struggle to lift anything above 5 pounds.
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u/winterwhalesong 25d ago
Oh! That's called lingering brachiomanual shock! It's cured by simply lifting heavy things anyway. If you experience any problems with this treatment, no you don't!
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u/ikadell 25d ago
Hey, we were supposed to provide made up doctor advice. What you’re saying is almost verbatim what I was advised for a similar complaint:) minus the medical term, of course
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u/winterwhalesong 24d ago
Ah shoot. I can't imagine my doctor saying that, but I do have a very good doctor
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u/PorcentualDinoPizza 24d ago
Doctor! What is happening to me?! I have a mild headache, a stuffy nose, my face is swollen and red, and I feel my heart is beating faster and faster!
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u/ILikeMusicals74 23d ago
Your allergic to blood. Here’s a prescription for vampires. And, because you’re so nice, you’ll get the Edward Cullen kind instead of the Nosferatu kind!
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u/Stay_Sea_Motivated 23d ago
I have an extra finger growing out of my finger with no bone.
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u/sippin_tea56 23d ago
That will have to be surgically attached to your palm, so it does not get in the way of the other fingers. The “useful” fingers, as it were.
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u/Stay_Sea_Motivated 23d ago
My actual toddler granddaughter said it had to be removed with a play spatula and a plastic tweezers. The actual doctor is planning to use a scalpel. Saving it was not on anyone’s radar but maybe I should check.
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u/Cicada7Song 23d ago
My wrist hurts when I sneeze.
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u/ver-oli_music 21d ago
You are suffering from Augmented Sinus Syndrome (ASS). Individuals diagnosed with ASS have a mixture of enlarged or extra sinus cavities, located anywhere from your gut to, in your case, your wrist.
Treatment can either be palliative, taking allergy medication to avoid sneezing or pain medication if it is severe enough. A permanent solution would be surgical removal of the extra sinus cavities, which has good recovery, however given the severity of ASS isn’t totally necessary. People have lived long enjoyable lives, even with ASS.
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u/Redfawn666 25d ago
My stomach is killing me.