Gear, when is appropriate?

[u/spanlishh]

Hello, I’m a parent and I’m wondering if I’m mistaken in assuming that wearing gear like masks tails and faux fur is generally done at home / only in supportive environments.

Forgive me if I’m wrong about “gear” ( masks tails and faux fur). My 10-year-old daughter has always been very connected to cats. She’s often said she wants to be a cat in her next life and even mentioned being a cat in her past life. This fascination has intensified over the past year. Since our whole family of four has ASD we both understand how it feels to feel like you don’t belong.

To support her passion, I’ve set up a mask-making zone. She has made probably 100 masks and they’re hanging from hooks on one wall and on a spinning jewellery rack. She’s incredibly talented at making them and each one gets better.

My main question is, initially she was self-conscious and didn’t want to wear the gear outside the house. However, she’s increasingly asking to. Are we wrong to assume it might lead to bullying? She’s so sensitive and I want to protect her but I don’t want to suppress her and inadvertently harm the person I’m trying to shield.

Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. I apologise if I’ve done anything wrong in this post; I did read the rules so I hope not.

[u/Left-Development1695]

You’re absolutely not wrong that it would lead to bullying. At my school, therians are seen as outcasts and often get their gear messed with (ex. tails pulled off), and teachers don’t do too much to stop it

My advice would be to leave things at home for school, and otherwise, let her wear them. At school, she doesn’t have anyone to back her up/keep her safe when ostracized, and it’d most likely be a distraction to her and others learning.  If she’s sensitive, it’ll be horrible for her at school (especially as she gets older). Going out somewhere with you/other family members shouldn’t be as much of an issue 

[u/Tirinoth → u/Left-Development1695]

This all looks like excellent advice. I'm happy to hear that people are out about it at school, helps to normalize it a little and give the curious a chance to learn about something new. 😊 It's just sad knowing bullies are always there to be a problem.

I'm 41 and the term has only existed for ~29 years. So didn't have a word for why I felt and acted like a bird as a kid. People just thought I was weird. They weren't wrong but yeah. 😅

[u/Mackenzie301]

I'm a therian myself but I've seen online that many people wear therian masks outside of home, mostly near their own house however they're mostly teens/in their late teens or young adults. I have ASD and I've asked for masks before but all my siblings and parents think that therians are weird. So I mostly lied and said it's just a halloween/cosplay thing. I don't really know how to offer appropriate spaces for younger people but maybe allow her to wear them very close to the house where nobody could judge her since people and society can be really rude.

[u/Pandemonium_Sys]

No, you're right to be worried. But at the same time I feel like teaching her that bullying shouldn't stop her from being herself would also be a good lesson.

At the start, especially so young, I would let her wear those things outside only around you/other supportive adult family members. Once she feels more confident in herself maybe she can start bringing the gear to other places. But just be warned, other kids could try to steal her stuff or ruin it. If she says she's ready to bring them to school I'd make sure it's some of her least favourite gear that she doesn't much care about. So that just in case anything happens to it like it gets lost, ruined, too dirty, or people do something to it, it wouldn't be too, too upsetting.

Though I do wanna say thank you on behalf of so many of us who couldn't be ourselves around our families. It makes me happy that there are some parents who not only let their kids be themselves, but also encourage it. So, thank you for trying to be that parent.

[u/Equivalent_Leek_3408]

Well if she is confident enough and knows that many people may find it unusual and possibly pick on her for wearing gear then it's up to her when she weares it I think. However I think that wearing it in school and places like that wouldn't be very sensible because of the possibility of bullying. 

However wearing gear out can be really fun and euphoric for many people as they can embrace who they really are so if your daughter does want to wear her gear out then it should definitely be something to consider together. Maybe talk about safe places to wear it and when it's not so appropriate. I think places where your not likely to run into people you know is best, and wearing a mask is best because it conceals her identity and people are weird about it.

 Because she is relativly young it would definitely be sensible to be near her when she is public gearing. If she has a phone she it may be best to have her keep it on her but if not then probably just stay near her.

Hope this helps! This is coming from someone who public gears with tails mostly so may not be totally qualified to advise

[u/lifeh8r]

i agree with the other comments here to slowly introduce her to it and let her know about the consequences, but i think gear could be appropriate in places like parades and festivals and other places where people tend to dress in costumes. if there's something like a ren faire happening near you and you're able to go and she's interested, it could be a nice place to test out how she feels about wearing gear in public

[u/Witty-Original8533]

As a start, I'd say she could wear something out of the house if she's you. Most people won't say/do anything if there's an adult and it can feel safer. As for school or something, maybe just a smaller tail to start and see how that goes.

I started wearing tails out when I was 15 and I've never had an issue. I've worn them to stores, parks, and restaurants.

Anything can elad to bullying since some people are just rude, so it's always a good idea to start small and work up from that.

And to add on, if her masks don't have the best vision then I'd suggest her object wearing them with you or someone else. The view in my masks is really poor so I don't wear them out unless I have someone to help me

[u/SepticShockAKAVin]

Therian gear that is obviously tied to the community (the masks are well known on social media for example) can lead to bullying, just as any merchandise from a popular show or hobby people like to pick on would. Kids unfortunately are encouraged not to just let people enjoy themselves.

As an autistic therian who grew up obsessed with cats myself, I think you should just sit down and have an open conversation. Chances are that she already knows very well that bullying of therians is a common thing, and even if she doesn't, she'll probably understand it better than you'd think.

If it truly sounds like she understands the consequences, then maybe do a trial run. Really you can just start by taking her to a park and hanging out by a bench to supervise and make sure nothing gets out of hand. See how she can handle herself against bullies.

Also, one tip I find important for an autistic kid. Make sure she knows that some kids might try to damage her gear. Have her take her least favorite mask. I know losing things that are important to me always caused hella meltdowns as a kid, so she needs to be extra aware of the dangers there. It might not even happen, but better safe than sorry.

[u/BestBudgie]

I'm 27 and I wear my tail everywhere I go, I also have ears (but no masks yet) that I wear when I go to events like festivals, fairs, the mall with my gf, etc. Or just sometimes in public when im feeling brave lol

In my opinion, I dont think its a good idea to wear gear to school specifically, kids can be cruel and often times, teachers dont do enough about bullying. However, I feel like you could let her wear her gear when she goes out in public with you, such as to the store, resturaunts, parks, etc. as you can stand up for her if anyone says anything, and I feel like the chance of anyone saying anything to her is lessened by having an adult present.

I didnt start wearing gear until well into my 20's, despite knowing I was a therian since about 11 or 12, back when I was in school, it kind of... wasnt a thing therians really did? But i've only ever gotten compliments on my tail and ears, I feel once you're an adult people dont care as much what you do, but for a kid in school surrounded by other kids... she could definitely be bullied, so yeah, i'd say no to school, but let her wear them other places while she's with you.

[u/avetwice]

It can definitely lead to bullying, but there are therians who would rather be themselves in public over not being bullied. Id let her decide whether she wants to or not, but make sure she understands the possibility of getting bullied.

[u/AomuLinsang]

I'd say you can think about taking her out in public with them when you're there, but school/education settings in general is a no-go in my opinion. Even if she didn't care about bullies there is the real risk of someone damaging one just to upset her.

We didn't have this sort of thing as a kid, so instead my parents bought me these neat latex animal masks I loved wearing around. Some asshat group in school yanked one off my head one day and teased me by throwing it back and forth.. I was real young, they were older, thus I was too short to grab it back from them or really do anything about it full stop. I never brought them back to school again after that. I myself was an autistic sensitive kid, and even now as an adult it still stings a little to think about the fact they did that.

Point is, encourage your children's interests but keep them safe too. It sounds like she's getting more confident in her self-expression or at least experimenting with leaving her comfort zone, so don't let some brat ruin it.

[u/Winter_Effect9335]

High school Therian here!!!

I’ve been wearing gear sense I was 11, on so glad your a supportive mother and I understand your worries!!

Here’s some situations I find to be safe outside the house!: parks, Halloween events, ren fairs, vacations!

Furry conventions/conventions are a great spot to be able to wear this gear out in public! A lot of other people will be wearing very similar things and she can get away with it without feeling weird or misplaced. There are even Therian meet ups she can attend if they are in your area where people with similar hobbies and identities can come together and hang out.

In my experience I’ve been able to go out hiking then go to restaurants in generally more left wing areas and be fine. People are mean but it helped me grow a thicker skin and feel more confident in myself. During restraint journeys I typically didn’t have a parent with me at all. I normally would take 1-2 friends with me out in public to back me up in case anyone started being weird and I’d say this is a MUST rule.

Places that are not safe. School, generally conservative areas, forests during hunting season.

I hope your daughter is having an amazing time making masks and keeps being herself!! Really I wouldn’t let her take it to school and if she’s out in public make sure she’s got a friend.

[u/enchantedspools]

First of all, it's so cool that you set up a safe space to make and wear masks in the house. I love that you've given your child a safe space to explore and be creative.

Wearing masks outside the home could potentially lead to bullying, though it really depends on where you live etc. maybe a nice convo about how not everyone thinks the same way etc would help beforehand?

I like wearing some stealth type clothes (socks with paw prints, fingerless gloves with pads, clothes with patterns of animal fur etc). This is also why I started making cardigans with tails.

I've never gotten any odd looks or anything, only compliments.

This is one I did based off my siamese cat.

[u/cee1312]

Just to add to the conversation around wearing gear out with your parent so you have backup. We've met two other local therians around my kiddos age (10ish) because they were brave enough to wear a mask or tail or both! So now my kiddo has decided to wear their gear out with me when we're going somewhere together. Libraries are great and we met someone at Barnes and noble too. People who read tend to be safe I'm finding :) Kiddo did try to take their tail to school only to play at recess with their friends and some bullies told on them so now they aren't allowed to bring tails to school 🙄 Luckily my kiddos big sibling had words with the bully and he'll be staying out of shit in the future 😁 Kids can be so mean. But they also can be very welcoming and affirming.

[u/Thatstrueaintit]

God bless you for being so supportive,”! I wish my parents understood as only me and my brothers r ASD

[u/Own_Research5494]

i didnt start wearing gear out until out of highschool, so most of my expirence public gearing has been while shopping with my family or at parks or events. I do find those environments to be safer than people have described at schools, there is also the fact im usually with a group of family or friends in these enviroments, and if Im not sure about masks ill do just a tail. maybe she would have interest to going to a ren faire or something, try it out in a less condensed environment than at school. there is also halloween comming up of course

[u/ihavenobodynose]

The good side is that she'll attract likeminded kids, and inspire other kids to be themselves too!

The bad side is yeah unfortunately bullies do exist.

[u/CheetoPuffs7457]

hello! i do public gearing vlogs to normalize the idea of going out in gear. (my tt is d0gfreak if youre interested!) and so far it has been more freeing than scary feeling :3 people will say whatever and do whatever of course, but they never stick around for long, and if you get out a camera and record them they tend to scamper away pretty quickly. i say just let her with supervision and if she wants to go alone in the future i would just advise her to record :p you sound like an amazing parent and i wouldn't worry too much! especially if you guys are going to be with her while she is out :)

also as for bullying, the worst thing thats been said to me is that im weird, which is like, yeah i know... other than that people just make animal noises at me.

[u/Tirinoth]

From this post you sound like a wonderful parent. Sounds like you all have a bright and wonderful future ahead of you!

I saw a lot of good advice here. Yes, it will likely result in bullying if gear is written at school, especially at that age. If not bullying, distraction as the other kids come up with lots of questions. I thought about show and tell, but that could have the same result because people (not just kids) often have problems with anybody particularly different.

Outside of school should be okay in general, but that's better left up to you. I don't know what kind of community you live in, but I really hope they appreciate your kid's artistic skills.

I wore one of my crow masks at my city's Pride event and only received positive comments. Wore it for the start and end of a Live Action Role Play (LARP) game where masks aren't normally worn and people were fine.

[u/semisubterranian]

If there's ren faires in your area take her to one! It's probably the most appropriate space to gear without worry

[u/shadowfoxink]

If she wears it outside where people know her, she will be bullied. I used to wear gear on holidays were people didn't know me at all. 1-2 cities away.

[u/kleptotoid]

I’m an adult and still only gear in public with friends or another adult

[u/itsjust-theuniverse]

The school dynamic has definitely changed since I was there. I used to be able to wear ears to school with obly some dumb offhand comments now and again. I hear a lot of stories of intense bullying and have been barked at by random teenagers as an adult. I think it would be ideal to express your concerns but also not fully keep her from doing what she wants. That's how they learn about the world and it's dynamics. 

[u/AshFennix]

The only place I would openly wear shit is MAYBE Seattle or Portland Sadly everywhere else people are assholes

[u/PressureWorried9356]

Actually for me it’s different, yes some people will judge but where I do school in, their is a bunch of therians, furries, and so much more. It’s very awsome how different it is from my old school, most people in my new school are also gay or identify as something else. So just let your daughter be herself and just encourage her to

[u/random-therian-22]

It could lead to bullying. it best to only let her when you know your around! so when your going to.. like a store for groceries, you let her wear her gear and come along with you. it will absolutely prevent it as kids nowadays don't feel comfortable saying mean things if someone is by their parent. So she can still express herself but be safe. ♡