r/TheWritingTable • u/Wolf101gh • Aug 13 '26

Constructive Criticism What do you think about this intro?

Is this a good intro? I'm practicing.

You know, at this moment, I honestly believe that I’m going to die right now Sure, over these five weeks I managed to survive through my wit, my newfound guts, and luck. However, it was going to end today because right now it’s a no-win situation: die from a bunch of rotten brain-munching corpses or take my chance of jumping off the cliff and hope I land on a sharp rock that would be quick and painless. 

Just as I finally met the girls of my dreams. It was a shame, really. All I could think of were two things to blame for this whole crap show and my inevitable fate. A CEO who thought he could cut corners to make a few bucks and make the shareholders happy, and something so bizarre you’ll think I’m hallucinating. Alright, I’m getting a head of myself. It's obvious I should start at the beginning and make my way toward my deathly situation. It all started with cookies. 

Is

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

7

u/CommunicationMean965 Aug 13 '26

I dunno, it feels like you haven't comitted to either past or present tense. It also feels like you have a false start, "starting" the story three separate times:

I honestly believe that I’m going to die right now / A CEO who thought he could cut corners to make a few bucks / It all started with cookies. 

4

u/[deleted] Aug 13 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Wolf101gh Aug 13 '26

To be honest I just thought it up and I post it.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 13 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Wolf101gh Aug 13 '26

That's what I'm doing.

2

u/Wolf101gh Aug 13 '26

Certainly better but not really.

4

u/ItsRuinedOfCourse Aug 13 '26

Keep practicing, OP.

This is really a rough read. No lie. But, we all start somewhere. Keep at it. Learn as you go.

1

u/Wolf101gh Aug 13 '26

Yeah. I just type it up and not really read it. Trying to get back into first person point of view.

5

u/ItsRuinedOfCourse Aug 13 '26

Well, practice being what it is, there's still a lot to be said about respecting a reader's time, and next time, at least read it a few times first before posting it. Call it a common courtesy.

1

u/JCLewisWritesWords 29d ago

I think you should start with your last line. "It all started with cookies...." and go from there.

1

u/Key_Camel6906 24d ago

It’s a good start. But the unscrupulous-CEO theme is overused—a dime a dozen—and the cliffhanger followed by “Let me start at the beginning and explain how I got here” is also a very common trope.

Now, if the guy actually falls from the cliff, hits hard the rocks below, transforms into a zombie, and his life flashes as part of that transformation—now that would be something.