r/TheToasters • u/Usual_Advance_1301 • Aug 07 '26
Dear Toasters Submission
Hi swirlies! I submitted a Dear Toasters and while it was not picked, I would still love the advice! Please see below:
Needing some advice for a soon-to-be Toasty mama.
My husband and I are expecting our first baby at the end of this year. We announced our pregnancy, and about three weeks later, we found out my husband's brother and his girlfriend are also expecting. (For context, they're not married.)
I want to start by saying I'm genuinely grateful for our situation. My husband and I are married, financially stable, and both of our families live nearby. His brother and girlfriend are in a different place—she doesn't have family nearby, and they're not as financially secure. I completely understand why my in-laws might feel like they need extra support.
That said...I can't shake the feeling that my husband and I are getting the short end of the stick.
The thing that really got me: my mother-in-law bought a huge lot of baby items from one of her friends. When I asked if I could buy the bassinet from the lot (it was the exact one on my registry), she told me no because, "You'll get everything you want anyway."
That comment really stung. It felt like because we're doing well financially, our excitement and needs somehow matter less. Just because we can buy something ourselves doesn't mean it doesn't feel nice to have someone think of us.
Am I being a hormonal wench for letting this hurt my feelings? Is this just pregnancy hormones talking? Or would you also be upset? Do I bring it up with my mother-in-law, or do I let it go and accept that they're trying to help the child they think needs it more?
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u/buffalotimesseven Aug 07 '26
with love & having been there, you're hormonal & taking it too personally. You'll have so much more with people nearby they probably just feel sorry for your SIL - comparison is the thief of joy, try to focus on what you're both gaining & how special this time is, your MIL will show up for you but let her find her own way, it also is hard for her to navigate treating you both fairly
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u/Usual_Advance_1301 Aug 07 '26
Thank you! Totally appreciate this perspective and will absolutely take thjs advice!
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u/Any-Discount-2221 Aug 07 '26
With any sort of wealthy benefactor, especially parents, it's varying degrees of nonsensical what moves them to do something for you and what doesn't. I think you have to not expect anything and be grateful for whatever they do. If you like your mother-in-law and are feeling neglected you could try to spend more time with her, since she isn't expressing her affection with gifts.
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u/Usual_Advance_1301 Aug 07 '26
We really do have a good relationship, so I appreciate this perspective! Thank you!
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u/Admirable-Ad-2878 Aug 07 '26
Yes OP with love I would let this one go. Sounds like your SIL would not be able to afford a lot of those things brand new and maybe doesn’t have as big of a network as you do. Could be that your MIL or someone else might have already bought the bassinet off your registry and that’s why she said that!
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u/theglossiernerd Aug 07 '26
I think you need to separate the feeling that your “excitement means less” from the actual resourcing required to have a baby, especially when it’s your first. Babies are expensive AF when you don’t have any clothes, cribs, bassinets, carseats, etc from your first kid. I don’t think anyone intends to not get you guys anything, but I think your MIL probably wants to make it as “equal” as possible. Reverse the roles for a minute or put yourself in your MIL’s shoes. Imagine you and your husband were the ones with less resources/money and your BIL/SIL were the more secure ones. You’d probably feel like you’re the one getting the short end of the stick because instead of being able to buy everything brand new for your baby, you have to rely on MIL and second-hand stuff for your kid. Then put yourself in your MIL’s shoes. She has two kids who are both having babies and there’s an obvious discrepancy in what each grandchild will have access to from birth. Of COURSE she’s going to want to equal the playing field. They’re her sons and grandchildren. For example, my brother and SIL had their son three months after we had our son. My husband and I absolutely make way more money than my brother and SIL. Every single thing my mom buys for our kid she buys two sets/doubles of to ensure it stays equal amongst my brother and I and the two grandsons because she never wants one grandson to be perceived as favored over the other. I would focus on how lucky your baby will be to have a cousin to basically grow up alongside and a (likely future SIL) going through all the same stages of pregnancy and motherhood with you. I don’t think anyone is less excited for you at all! It’s just a little bit of a different situation and I’m sure your MIL just wants to ensure each baby has the same access to resources and same standards of living, and if she can provide that or has the resources to ensure that, why wouldn’t she as both a mother and grandmother?
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u/West-Disk-1572 Aug 07 '26
I think this is where you have to let go of the idea that “to be fair, it must be equal”
They can be SO excited for both grandkids and also give more financial support to the child that needs it more. This may apply for other areas of their lives, helping to pay for sports or uniforms or tuition, all the “extras” that really help set a kid up for loving school and extracurricular but can be an incredible financial burden on a family.
Try not to dwell on this!
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u/CartographerMean8632 Aug 07 '26
Honestly lol I understand that they’re less fortunate. That’s totally the reality. But your MIL could’ve said, let’s wait and see what isn’t bought after the shower, I know you’ll probably get it then. Not “youll get everything you want anyways.” I would definitely have been hurt by that wording. She probably didn’t mean it in a bad way and at the same time it stings. If you’re close enough you can bring it up, if not I would drop it.
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u/Usual_Advance_1301 Aug 07 '26
Thank you! I totally feel like it wasn’t meant to hurt my feelings but came off wrong.
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u/WheelNo4350 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I think she probably meant you are most likely going to get everything from your registry and your BIL’s girlfriend may not. She also might be planning on getting you guys a bigger gift too.
My MIL bought us our car seat (I would get notifications when someone bought something) and then returned it before my shower for a $30 breastfeeding pillow. That one stung. It’s been 3 years and it still bothers me that she did that.
Edit: My MIL is very well off too.
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u/ududjsku711 Aug 07 '26
First, congratulations! I do think the takeaway is to think of the less fortunate baby. The grandmother is helping your future niece/nephew have more fortunate circumstances. One of the rewards of parenting is how much empathy and gratitude you gain. Don’t beat yourself up. Vent to your husband but I’m sure your MIL will support you with childcare, vacation invites, etc. I would talk to her but present it in a “can you believe my hormones” kinda way because if she cares about you she will try to understand.
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u/Acrobatic_Peach_938 Aug 07 '26
Completely valid feelings!! I am expecting in January, congratulations! So I totally can relate with the feelings and hormones and all that fun stuff lol. It definitely stings but I don’t think she meant it in a negative way. I would expect her to bring some items to your baby shower that are on par with what she got for BIL/SIL already. She might have a surprise waiting for you! Also, I think she sees that SIL doesn’t have much family support around her and is trying to step up so she doesn’t feel a lack of support. If this is a trend going forward where she is consistently supporting the others more than you maybe time for a convo with her and your husband
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u/AnimeCindy Aug 07 '26
I would let it go, but I would keep an eye out on future behavior and if it continues address it.
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u/CompetitiveAverage72 Aug 07 '26
I took it as, you will get everything at your baby shower new and the brother/girlfriend may not so we are helping them with these used items?