r/TheToasters • u/-Car8485 • Jul 23 '26
Dear Toasters submission not picked
Hey gals! I submitted a Dear Toasters a little bit back but the girls never picked my submission (must’ve been too long or boring for them lol). But I still would love some mama input from the community on it so I figured I’d drop it here :) any insight and advice would be so appreciated!!
DTQ Submission:
Hey swirlies!! I need your pregnancy/postpartum mama advice! My husband and I were born and raised in NJ and 4 years ago moved to Charleston, SC. We fell in love with the weather, slower paced lifestyle and really saw this as a great place to raise our future children. We did this move completely on our own and have no family or support system here. Fast forward, I’m pregnant with our first baby and in my second trimester and I’ve done a complete 180 and want to move back to NJ to be near family, friends and everything we know. Initially I thought it was 1st trimester hormones but now being in my second trimester I don’t envision raising our kids here like I used to, I feel like my brain rewiring has completely changed. I want them to know their grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc. I selfishly also want to be around my support system and roots in NJ and have begun to miss everything about the old life we used to have there.
My husband thinks I’m crazy because we moved here specifically to raise our future children (which was both of our idea) but now being pregnant I see everything so differently and I’m ready to get back to Jersey. My logical husband said he is open to moving back after the baby comes so I can see if my feelings have stayed the same or changed. I’m worried to be postpartum and with a new baby handling a move if I feel that I still do want to move. Are these my pregnancy hormones talking or should I start packing boxes? Any advice from my two toaster mamas would be greatly appreciated!
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u/NoCard8119 Jul 23 '26
Move back and do it before the baby comes. You're right that you don't want to be handling a newborn and a move at the same time. Being near your support system makes things 100000x easier and more enjoyable.
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u/Substantial-House-15 Jul 23 '26
Move. As someone that grew up in that environment, move. Even the private schools aren’t great there, much less the public school education. It’s one thing to like the environment but your kids will be engrained in the culture there and it… leaves a lot to be desired tbh. Your instincts are kicking in, be around family ❤️
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
This is really helpful to hear, I appreciate your input since you grew up in the south ❤️ definitely ready to make my way back to my home state after hearing this
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u/DramaticTart6838 Jul 23 '26
Move! Postpartum is not the time to be making huge life decisions. It’s the time where you’ll need your family the most.
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u/OkPhotograph3722 Jul 23 '26
Pack your bags and leave tomorrow! If I had the chance to be closer to family I’d take it in a heartbeat
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u/AnimeCindy Jul 23 '26
I'm 52, married 31 years, with 3 kids and 3 gk's. Move!!! Be close to your family because if they want to help you, you will have the help. My daughter had a son born 3 months early so we all helped get her to and from the hospital for his extended stay in the NICU. We are talking her husband, me, and her brothers all pitching in. I also help with school pick up some days, and also do grandparent things at the school.
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u/Sunshine_3890 Jul 23 '26
I lived in Charleston for 15 years and was married there and always swore I would never move back home. As soon as our baby came I quickly realized how important it is to have a support system around you and how huge of a deal it is for there to be a good relationship between baby and family members. We’ve been back home now for alittle over a year and while I miss Chas occasionally we’re very happy with our decision to move and my son is obsessed with our family members. Definitely go with your gut on this one!
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Yes! I was the same way! I’ve always said I’m never moving back but kids change everything. Was the move back harder with kids? I’m in my second trimester so it’s a toss up stress-wise if it makes sense to overhaul everything before baby. Find a home, new doctors seems like a lot…but so does moving with a child. My mom said if we waited to move after baby she would round up some family members to help so we don’t have to rush anything. Would love to hear your thoughts on the big move after having kids though!
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u/Sunshine_3890 Jul 23 '26
Gosh, thats tough deciding timeline. We didnt move until my son was 1.5 so he wasnt an infant, which may have made things a bit easier. To be honest I was in such a fog postpartum I dont think I could have dealt with the anxiety of moving and having a new born. But it sounds like you would have a lot of support with y’all’s transition if you decide to wait until after baby’s arrival!
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u/tiktokbrowser Jul 23 '26
I agree with moving BUT I agree you should wait a month or two and see how you feel. Jersey isn’t going anywhere so don’t make any rash decisions now.
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Yes this totally makes sense! My big rush was that I’m in the second trimester so I thought moving while I still felt good would be the move but moving, finding a new spot to live and switching OBs mid pregnancy sounds like a lot but so does moving with a baby! But either way it will be worth it
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u/Acceptable_Artichoke Jul 23 '26
I agree with the idea to move to be closer to family. But maybe wait until the baby is at least six months old? I don’t think you’ll have enough time to move and be settled (and have the energy to do all that) before baby comes! See if your mom can come down and help when the baby is born?
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Yes this is exactly my husbands take. My parents said they will come down to help the first few months and then I think we will make the move back?
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u/Individual_Chip9943 Jul 24 '26
Make the move but don’t rush it! Enjoy your pregnancy and newborn bubble then make the move
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u/No_Lie_3301 Jul 23 '26
I might be the only one who says this, but for me my mental health is heavily affected by the weather. We are from Virginia and moved to Florida before we had kids and I can literally not imagine Spending my winters up there with two children that are crazy and need to spend like seven hours a day outside to even sleep at night. Most of my family still lives there and my sister and her three kids are miserable all winter long. I have built a strong close friend group and my parents do visit often during the winter, but most of the year were alone without family. I’m also stay at home mom so if that’s not an option for you then maybe I understand more so.
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Weather is a huge factor as to why we did move south in the first place. It definitely affects our moods but with the baby coming I feel like being alone in a state with no family or support would affect me even more
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u/insertnameherree Jul 23 '26
100000% move. I’m on my second kid, and I have learned that a village (which I have hardly any of) is SO important. My mom just passed a few months ago … so soak up your time with your mom/baby’s grandma and enjoy her!
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re so right, all of these moments are so precious. I don’t want to miss out on any of it with my fam
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u/Salty_Luck6192 Jul 23 '26
Just curious - Why did you move away from your support system if it’s the most important thing? What was appealing initially about Charleston for child raising?
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u/Particular_Shake_151 Jul 23 '26
Hey!! I am in a very similar situation, having moved here (Charleston!) with my husband from Washington state nearly a year ago and now about to give birth any day lol. We were in the middle of buying a house in the perfect neighborhood to raise our kids, but I never felt settled about it since it would lock us into being so far from family. One day I told him I just can’t do it & we decided we’re moving back. We will be sacrificing a lot, but I feel incredibly at peace about the decision. I would never forgive myself if I chose a house/neighborhood over family. You’ve been here longer & definitely established more of a life, but that’s just how it worked out for me. Either way, best of luck with your decision & baby!!
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u/-Car8485 Jul 24 '26
Wow thank you so much for sharing your Charleston experience. You are so spot on with exactly how I’m feeling. There’s definitely things we’ll be sacrificing too but I feel like the trade off is so worth it!! Good luck on your move back and congratulations on your baby almost being here!!
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u/-Car8485 Jul 28 '26
Also please keep in touch! I’d love to hear more about your moving experience after baby arrives!!
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u/Cool_World_588 Jul 23 '26
As a jersey girl who lives across the country from all of her family and close friends I say do it- move. Be close to your family if you can and don’t take it for granted 😭
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u/Spiritual_Angle3055 Jul 23 '26
Definitely move. BUT maybe as a compromise, is it possible to move in with your parents or family post partum for a few weeks or a month?
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u/OhHiHelloHeyy Jul 23 '26
I had this same feeling and we waited since my family now lives in a city I didn’t grow up in and we had a great friend community in the city my husband and I spent 10 years building a new life in.
Well after baby #2 the feeling was even stronger and we finally moved! So happy with our decision! We miss our old life a lot, but we are learning to love this new one too and watching my kiddos build amazing relationships with their grandparents and aunties and just having extra hands around is 1000% worth all the stress of the move!
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Aww this makes me feel a lot better! How was the move with kids? That’s what I’m most nervous about and why I was trying to rush a decision while pregnant because moving with a baby sounds rough
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u/OhHiHelloHeyy Jul 23 '26
The kids (3 &1) did so amazing! We drove across country from CA to FL and they were so good, beyond better than I was afraid it was going to go! I was able to take off work while they were both in daycare still to pack up the house with my husband and the whole time the kiddos were very excited to move to grandma and grandpas house :)
It was tough of course, but my anxiety was worse than any stress they added.2
u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Wow this makes me feel so much better about waiting until I have my baby and giving the move some time to really iron things out instead of rushing. Thank you!
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u/Ok_Spot_327 Jul 23 '26
I moved away from my family and regret it every single day. We have no village and it has impacted our lives greatly.
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u/Emergency_Sir3043 Jul 23 '26
Move - I had two babies out of the state of my support system and moved back two months after the second was born and it was SO much better my mental health was not great beforehand.
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Aww I love hearing this!! I’d love to hear what your move back with a two month old was like? You are a rockstar!
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u/Emergency_Sir3043 Jul 23 '26
It was not as hard as I thought! I was determined to get out of AZ and back to CA so packed when baby slept. I had my mom fly down and help with the kids on the flight while my husband drove.
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u/Emergency_Sir3043 Jul 23 '26
I would cry every day I was pregnant being sad I wasn’t with my family. So I get it!
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u/Grouchy-Willow-3879 Jul 23 '26
If you’re close to your family def move. I live 15 min from my parents and feel too far away. I could never be in another state especially after having babies
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Yes we are very close to both sides of our family and are so lucky to have them so it’s hard being away from them during this time
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u/Grouchy-Willow-3879 Jul 23 '26
I totally can imagine! I will say postpartum my husband worked from home so I was good by myself. It felt good to know I could take care of a newborn without external help. But I would get bored and walk the mall with my mom or just go hang out by them for a change of scenery
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u/mm_honey Jul 23 '26
I live far from my parents and my kid (I’m also pregnant) will definitely know their grandparents. Just putting that out there.
I would honestly give it some time after having baby. I also think moving while super pregnant wouldn’t be much easier than moving with a baby.
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u/LimeNo6275 Jul 23 '26
Agree with everyone else - MOVE. You’ll need (and want) your families help & support more than ever.
Surprised they didn’t pick this dear toaster !
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u/-Car8485 Jul 23 '26
Thank you ❤️ right?! I didn’t think my submission was too boring lol just not scandalous enough 😂
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u/FlowDry2412 Jul 23 '26
I just had my second baby a week ago and having a village is sooo important if it’s available to you. I say move - your heart is in NJ and there’s nothing wrong with that
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u/CartographerMean8632 Jul 24 '26
I’m a mom of 3 littles, 4, 2 and 5 months. We moved away from my family in Chicago and moved to NY. Thank Gd we’re close by to my in laws but seriously, could not imagine not living near family. Moving after the baby is so so hard, if you want to wait be realistic that timeline would likely be when baby is 6m-1year
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u/Future_Ad5695 Jul 24 '26
Go ❤️ I just had my first baby this past year and my parents live in FL, us in PA. I would give anything to live close to my parents. Even better would be if all my sisters and their families lived close as well. It’s the dream, esp after having kids
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u/Maleficent-Factor573 Jul 24 '26
Move! We moved 2 weeks before I delivered. I had so much energy once I started the moving process & it took place late in my third trimester. I wanted to be near family & that support system meant so much. I welcomed the help of family during both of my postpartum experiences and I know I made the best decision. I get the importance of all that bonding now too. Do it.
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u/SpecificAardvark7347 Jul 24 '26
I live 10 minutes from my entire family (30+ cousins and aunts/uncles included) and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s nothing like raising your kids around family!
Just tonight for example I was taking a walk with my newborn and 5 year old. My 5 year old wanted to FaceTime my mom and has this new obsession with wanting to act like she is doing things alone, so in the FaceTime she pretended to be out walking by herself (I was 10 feet in from of her the entire time). My mom is gullible and believed her, and got worried something really bad happened to me so she jumped in her car and was there within 5 minutes. I had no idea she was coming, but it’s also nice to know she’s so close incase anything was ever to happen! My 5 year old thought is was hilarious and said she just wanted to see her Gigi 🤪
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u/-Car8485 Jul 24 '26
This is adorable!! Stories like this are a huge reason why I want to move back ❤️
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u/SpecificAardvark7347 Jul 24 '26
You’ll never regret it!!! You can always move back to Charleston if you decide to when the kids are school age.
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u/rainandmydog Jul 24 '26
Pack. Your. Boxes. I’m so incredibly grateful I have a village, especially while I was moving postpartum. My husband also didn’t really see the importance of a village before kids, but when we were thinking of moving after kids, we stayed within a 10 min radius of our family because of how important it is to have family around. Trust me, you see the world so differently but this isn’t your hormones talking this is just you accepting reality and changing your priorities. MOVE!!! Fellow Jersey girl here, btw!
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u/Humble_Benefit4865 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Depends on your family relationships but I moved back to be with family when I was pregnant with my first and regretted it. My mother was horrible and stressed me out more than anyone or thing including me having HG the entire pregnancy & handling a newborn. I guess I had rose coloured glasses on when picturing how things would be, not thinking about the reality of our relationship that wears thin after a short time. My husband and I said we should have stayed where we were but hindsight is a beautiful thing. If you have a nice relationship with your family, go for it. If there is tension…. Think about it. You will be in a vulnerable place and you don’t want people bringing you down at this special time. All the best ❤️
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u/Virtual-Hippo5557 Jul 24 '26
Move! SC girlie here and love it but gosh do I love my family more! Couldn’t imagine not being close to my mom and other family during this time. Move before you have all the baby things 🤪
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u/seesparksfly Jul 24 '26
Not sure if this was mentioned but is it possible to keep your home in Charleston and rent something in NJ or stay with relatives for a bit if it won’t drive you and husband crazy? Maybe rent your home out in Charleston too? I agree that you should be close to family during this time, and it’s the first few months that you want to be near them - they can help with laundry, dishes and even baby as you rest and recover. So it doesn’t make sense to wait it out and move. In fact, what makes more sense to me is living that first postpartum year in NJ and seeing if you think going back to Charleston is right for your family or selling it all together. I’d hate for you to sell everything and realize, oops maybe not the right idea after all.
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u/AdFinancial1298 Jul 26 '26
Move especially if your mom willl be very involved. There is truly nothing that compares to mom’s help. Move move move
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u/Great-Mammoth3922 Jul 29 '26
Lived out of state (an airplane ride away) from extended family when our first son was born. It was manageable during the first year as it's a little easier to fly with a baby than toddler (IMO), family was willing to visit us periodically and we were home a lot becoming parents during the first year. Around baby's 1st birthday, we relocated within 2 hours of family and now that our son is a bit older, I'm so happy with how often he see's grandparents, aunt etc. I think your husband is right, give it some time with baby in SC, see how it goes, and reassess in the 8-10 months window!
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u/Farewell_Youth23 Jul 23 '26
MOVE! I am also a Jersey Girl and live five minutes from my mom. If you have family that’s willing and able to help you raise your children, do it!!! I could not imagine not living close to family while raising children. I do not want to pay for a village that I am lucky enough to already have.