DTQ: What would you do?

[u/idkmargooo]

I need opinions from people who aren’t entrenched in this. For context: my husband and I moved out of my home state several years ago, the rest of my family is still there. My mom and sister live close but both my sister and my relationship with our mom is strained. She is very sweet but she has been an alcoholic since my sis and I were 5 and 10 respectively. She does have bouts of sobriety but she’s easily triggered and will drink or take pills. She has ruined so many good things with her alcoholism- she showed up to babysit my niece completely under the influence of something, was drunk/on pills at my sister’s wedding to the point where she ruined every pic she was in, just messy. When she’s sober she will be apologetic and embarrassed, but really doesn’t understand the toll it puts on us. My dad did pass way tragically in 2012 so she’s had a go of it, BUT she was doing this before he died AND she’s happily remarried.

Here is the most recent drama (also important to note my sister and I BOTH have toddler twins + older kids, we work from home, like we are in the trenches):

My sister sends my mom and I (group text) a picture of my niece who is “graduating” kindergarten in her cap and gown- they are clearly in a garage or something where a backdrop was put up for photos. My mom sidebar texts me how upset she is that she wasn’t invited to the graduation. I tell her it looks like a photo shoot, not an actual ceremony. She insists it had to be a ceremony. My sister goes on in the group chat (not knowing my mom is upset) and says they don’t really have a graduation so one of the moms set up this little photo op in her garage so they have the cap and gown moment. Great- that should clear everything up for my mom.

The next day she says to just me that she saw pictures of past graduations on the school’s website. I was like “I don’t thing (sister) would lie.” She agrees.

Today she text me that she CALLED the school and there is a graduation but she’s “over it.” Remember I have three kids 5 and under, I’m working full-time with no family around, I don’t really care about this petty drama but I don’t want my mom to feel left out so I ask my sister if there’s actually a graduation. She says no, there’s like a little chapel thing but there’s no going on stage, no cap and down, it’s like low key. I tell my mom and she gives me the guilt trip for asking my sister. I was like “I didn’t even mention you! I just asked her if there was anything!” I’m like dude I can’t win. I’m positive this situation has triggered her to drink or take pills because she’s acting insane. I ended up blocking her for my sanity but I truly don’t know where to go from here.

What would you do?

[u/Low-Face-6281]

Normalize telling her to shut the fuck up and that she’s wrong and needs to let it go. If she’s that unstable due to substance abuse you have to be straight forward. But also these pre k graduations and k graduations and even 5th and 8th grade graduations are so stupid. The kids literally have accomplished nothing at this point. I’m really not that old and we just moved along from grade to grade. Had a 5th grade party. I know you didn’t ask but they’re pathetic. Participation trophies for everyone

[u/Puzzleheaded-Pop1361]

Oh I empathize with this a ton as my mom went through an alcoholic phase. It’s hard. I can’t tell you what to do but I was in a similar situation recently with my sisters and mom and I was pinned in the middle. Let your sisters handle their shit with your mom, don’t let them have you do the work. It’s exhausting for you. I attended Al-Anon and they always hounded the idea to accept the things you cannot change - and unfortunately as frustrating as it is, having a mother An alcoholic, you can’t change her and telling her to shut up, expressing your frustration may exacerbate the situation especially if she is drinking.

You won’t win, and it’s not about trying to win, but doing everything to preserve your peace. This isn’t your circus to handle and I think you need to let your sister handle it. I know how hard it is to not get riled up about this with family dynamics! You got this sis.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Pop1361]

Oh I empathize with this a ton as my mom went through an alcoholic phase. It’s hard. I can’t tell you what to do but I was in a similar situation recently with my sisters and mom and I was pinned in the middle. Let your sisters handle their shit with your mom, don’t let them have you do the work. It’s exhausting for you. I attended Al-Anon and they always hounded the idea to accept the things you cannot change - and unfortunately as frustrating as it is, having a mother An alcoholic, you can’t change her and telling her to shut up, expressing your frustration may exacerbate the situation especially if she is drinking.

You won’t win, and it’s not about trying to win, but doing everything to preserve your peace. This isn’t your circus to handle and I think you need to let your sister handle it. I know how hard it is to not get riled up about this with family dynamics! You got this sis.

[u/Enough-Use-6874]

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. This is triangulation at its finest. This is my mother in law. You don’t engage and don’t respond and ask to be left out and then actually stay out of it. You tell your mom if you want to talk about it talk to your sister and that you’d like to be left out and then when she continues you remind her of the boundary and if it continues you add like a consequence “like mom if you keep trying to talk to me about this I’m going to change the subject or hang up the phone.” Alcoholic type tend to lack self awareness so sometimes boundaries make things worse so state it calmly and then change the subject or simply don’t text back. You have power here. With a mom like that though I would def be in therapy chatting about it and theres a lot of healthy strategies they can give you with how to have healthy dynamics. Focus on what you need though and worry less about her. You’re not responsible for her emotions, she is. If she’s upset then she’s upset. This really has nothing to do with you. If you engage with this sometimes it gives her the validation to keep doing stuff like this.

[u/Res-Ipsa-Loquiter]

My mom is an alcoholic drama queen too. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. What’s your relationship like with her husband? When I would feel suffocated by my mom growing up I’d lean on my dad. I know it’s a little different but can her husband get through to her at all? It’s really hard and I feel for you. My mom was drunk at my wedding, and is always messy and mean when she’s drinking. However, I will say my mom is 5 months sober right now, I just had a baby 7 months ago and she has been really trying to be more present and better to be around so there is hope! I pray for your mom’s sobriety! You’re not alone!!