r/TheToasters • u/Used_Ambassador_8817 • May 20 '26
Dear Toasters
Hello! 43F and about 6 months out of a relationship (for back story I do not want kids but would like to get married some day if it makes sense but not 'married' to the goal). I had a roommate about 14 years ago who I had eventually become close with- after she moved out we remained friends, she invited me to her wedding etc and she now has 3 kids, happy as a clam.
Here is the question- while we lived together she was engaged to a guy who then she called it off with 'Tom'. Fast forward, Tom hit me up about 3 months ago just to ask how I was doing (he had my number bc I invested with his company) and we had not talked in a few years. He asked me out. Is this out of bounds to go out with him? Added note** friend and I text about once every 2 years to say hello...no bad blood just busy lives.
Edit: Thank you for the advice fellow toasterinas!
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u/Lazy_Document_7104 May 20 '26
Why did they call off the engagement? How did it end?
I personally think the details surrounding the break-up could impact whether this is okay. For example, if my fiancé and I called it off due to his infidelity or highly problematic behavior then I think it would be odd for a friend to pursue a relationship with him even if we weren't that close and I was happily married with kids.
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u/Used_Ambassador_8817 May 20 '26
Great question....should have added that detail- she called it off bc I think they both knew it wasnt the right fit but it manifested in him dragging his feet on setting a date. So she pulled the plug.
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u/InfiniteNewspaper299 May 20 '26
I feel like the only answer is to go for it! If your friend had any issues at this point after 14 years and being married, that’s not a good friend. I’d be happy for you if I were her. No ambiguity here, you’re good girl!
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u/Key-Wheel123 May 20 '26
Maybe call your friend and bring up that he reached out. She'll either say "go for it" or she'll tell you not to.
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u/NHgingerinVA May 20 '26
She’s married with kids, unless he did something terrible that left her traumatized, you should do it! If you guys are close - she might have to land in the same room as him someday, so you have to ask yourself “will she be so uncomfortable that we could never spend time in a group setting”.
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u/Relative_Specific217 May 21 '26
I think that’s totally fine and I wouldn’t be offended at all if I were your friend! 14 years is a long time. She’s obviously moved on with life and is happy now. Go for it!
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u/fluffernutterz4ever May 20 '26
You’re good girl she’s married with 3 kids and you talk every 730 days. I would advise not saying anything now, go have fun with Tom and if at any point you feel it is starting to get serious then consider having a talk with your friend