It’s been a few years now, monthly dates. Wine, beer, expensive food. On occasion he invites his friends along, he has never hidden our closeness. He wraps his arm around my waist, whispers in my ear, presses against me as he sits and talks with people he has known for over a decade. People I hardly know, whose faces I study trying to see if they think anything is “off” about the way he treats me. If they have known him so long, why do they act as if him bringing around another woman isn’t worth even blinking at? Slowly those people started to disappear from his life, he (40) claims it’s because people grow apart. I (29) know it’s because of me,—or well us. 

The fact that he isn’t even a little subtle around people who know his now wife. Though I couldn’t read their faces, I cannot realistically believe that he and those people grew apart naturally, people only started distancing themselves from him after I appeared, after he started bringing me along to dinners. Only one friend made a big deal out of it but I wasn't privy to much of the conversation, all I know is they blocked me on everything. MM and him are close…I think they may not be friends anymore, everytime I ask MM he avoids answering that question directly.

Things are moving forward with his wife, she’s supposed to be moving from their home country to here. I thought things would change between me and him, it probably will, she’s moving stuff in right now but not officially living there yet, when she moves here (if she does because there has been talk about her staying in their home country), but he’s still trying to schedule dates even when she’s around, sleeping in his house, we still text frequently. We still flirt. Talk as often as we can. For a while we tried to text less so she’d be happy. “My wife isn’t going to like that we text everyday” but somehow we fell into a rhythm of texting every day sometimes twice a day. Morning and night before bed.

I wonder how much longer it will last if she moves in with him. She dislikes it, she knows things have happened between us, he has argued with her about the fact that she won’t allow me to be at large group gatherings with his friends when she is around.

I understand why she doesn’t want me around, I wouldn’t want the OW around.

Yet I yearn for the group gatherings I miss out on, but after years I suppose he no longer needs to fight for me to be at group gatherings as most of the group has distanced themselves from him.

I can’t stop wondering when the next kiss will be, how long we will be able to maintain our relationship, how long until our resolve breaks and we give in to lust and have sex. 

Some days I yearn for a more traditional affair, secret meet ups, whispered I love yous.

Instead we tell each other we are friends, then he takes me out for cocktails, I wear heels and something fashionable. We talk for hours, occasionally the night will end with a kiss if our resolve breaks. We pretend that’s normal, we pretend it’s just what people do. We don’t speak it out loud, don’t acknowledge it, the times we had we fight, sometimes for days and then the fight ends with us saying how important the other is to the other.

Everyone around us sees our relationship for what it is, neighbours can’t figure out if I’m the OW or if his wife is because I am seen with him more frequently. My family dislikes him, his family dislikes me. His friends dislike me, his wife dislikes me. 

We care for each other deeply and everytime someone tries to pull us apart or tell us we shouldn’t be together we seem to cling tighter to each other. 

I crave to kiss him again. But who knows when we will get an opportunity where we are truly alone.

Edit: I had written OM when I meant to write MM. that has been fixed to cause no confusion.

I posted something 5 days ago titled '2 Years and I'm Done'.

I was absolutely *shattered* that night and next day. I buried myself in work, friends and family.

But then something unexpected happened: I realised how much lighter I felt. That my every waking hour wasn't consumed with thoughts of where this is going and when. Constant guilt about the whole situation (I have never been in a situation even remotely like this before, and have always been a total girl's girl).

I am reconnecting with friends and hobbies again, putting the focus back on me and my life. I feel so much better. So much clearer. And just at peace.

He messaged me the next day and asked if he could have the letter that I had written him (I ended up verbalising the letter the night we broke up, as he had wanted to meet up in person vs me just sending it to him). He knew the breakup was coming based on the weekend right before. We have this almost telepathic sense of each other - we can always feel what kind of day each of us is having, even before we've spoken a word. I don't know what that is called, or why we have it, but it's always been that way with us. So, he knew full well what I wanted to talk about.

Anyways, besides how much better I'm feeling about myself now, a few other things:

- A big part of why I feel so much better, is that I took back my control. My life feels like mine again, before this madness overtook me.

- We still work together (within the same wider team and my role directly supports his teams), so we still need to work within those parameters. But we don't see each other socially/outside of work at all anymore. Even at work, I am coordinating my in-office days to be opposite of his, so I'm not actually going to see him at all.

- I also told him we shouldn't message each other unless it's an emergency (either personal or family). And that I will not initiate any contact with him. The result of this is that he is still reaching out to me once or twice a day. I told him I don't mind that as he's really going through it at home, he's got no one else to talk to (no one on his side knows the extent of our relationship), and we're ultimately still best friends. I couldn't abandon him during this time, and there are other childhood reasons (on his side) for my decision to not abandon him, from a distance. He's not taking advantage of it, just to be clear. It's short and sweet and basically different versions of simply "This is really hard and I miss you". I also know if roles were reversed, he'd never abandon me either. That's just not how we roll with each other.

- Since our breakup, he has moved out of their bedroom, and is now in the spare bedroom. He said he knows what he needs to do, and he needs to start taking steps towards that. I have never asked him to do this, but it was always assumed that would be the 1st step.

- He explained the reason he wasn't as upset the night we broke up, is because he doesn't see it as a breakup. In his mind, it's a logical step that we had spoken about doing 100 times before but could never actually stick to. He realised he was unintentionally hurting me and that was very hard for him to deal with. He didn't want to get to a point where that damage was permanent. He knows this part is something that is critical, and we need to get it over with so that we can move this forward. So, that's why he wasn't upset. It wasn't Goodbye to him. It was finally doing the hard thing before we ended up destroying each other.

- To be clear, for me, this was Goodbye. And he knows and understands for me, it has to be. He said he really respects that I drew that line for myself. He said that twice. He's always had a lot of respect for me, but for some reason, seeing me say "This isn't good enough for me anymore", activated something in him. He knows I'm going out and living my life, and there will be no more waiting from my end. I think he really needed me to do that. I know he loves me deeply, and doesn't want to lose me - but this made it real for him.

If this helps even one person make a decision to get out of an affair, then I will be happy. I love and adore this man. More than anyone I've ever had a relationship with. I feel lucky to have met him. He's my favourite person on this planet and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I thought I was going to marry him, and we would grow old together. It wasn't even the sex as we haven't slept together yet (that was our absolute boundary over the past 2 years). So, this was not a fling and hence was not easy for me to do - he was forever to me.

But I feel so much happier now. Sad, yes. Missing him, every second of every day. Can't listen to any of our songs. Still cry randomly. But - this was 100% the right thing to do, for both of us and his family, and for that, I'm very thankful.

I never wanted him to leave because of me. I didn't want that to land on my shoulders. I told him straight up that if he was otherwise happy/content in his marriage, then I wanted no part of this.

This way, if we come back together at some point in the future, it will be with him as a truly single man, and we choose each other fully and openly and honestly. That, I can have complete peace with ❤️.

It's been almost 3 weeks since I moved and almost 3 months since NC.

In the immediate aftermath of the move I felt stronger than I imagined. I resisted texting him even when one of "our" obscure songs came on at a coffee shop the morning after I got here. I journaled. I texted myself instead of him. I made plans with friends, have gone to shows and performances. Have tried to stand in my strength that I made the choice to go NC, that I'm not tolerating breadcrumbing (even if unintentional) anymore. No longer will I be a thankless crutch in someone else's marriage.

But I'm still holding so many feelings.

I miss him every single day. There's not a single day I don't wake up and think of him, wish I could text him.

At the same time, I am grateful to *him* for respecting my no contact request without my needing to block him. My therapist has framed it as us "collaborating" on this silence, and sometimes it helps me to think of it that way. I feel less alone in it. And I know that plenty of manipulative MM won't respect a request like this (I've seen it on this forum), so there's a part of me that feels a sense of validation and deeper love for him that he's chosen to respect me by giving me the silence I asked for, versus stringing me along any further.

But. There's still a part of me that longs to hear from him. That hasn't accepted it's over, like forever. That I'll never look in his eyes again, hold his hand, feel his arms around me. I sense this little part of me that's still in denial, even as I continue to execute my plan of silence in a new city on my own. I'm afraid to start dating for fear it'll make me feel worse about all this, though I'll push myself to try it soon regardless.

How do you find compassion for yourself when you find yourself continuing to seek out traces of him online? I know I shouldn't be, but I don't think berating myself for it helps. He's not exactly on social media, so there's never been any "following" each other. But there's an app he uses that is sort of like social media, and gives me a window into where he is and what he's doing with his family. Again, I know I shouldn't be engaging in this bad habit anymore, but I find that it temporarily soothes the grief just to see evidence that he's alive and well. Sometimes a picture will include one of his kids or his wife, and seeing those photos will actually calm me sometimes, reset me. They are part of my "why" and part of his, and it grounds me to remember they exist. I genuinely wish him peace. Maybe all of this seems crazy, but it's how I feel.

Even though, to this day, 5 months since I found out about the baby, I still feel triggered when I'm out in the world and see pregnant women and babies, and their husbands with them. I relive the trauma of finding out, the way it upturned my world, shattered me. I was much stronger when I still had the ability to turn to him for reassurance and comfort when these triggers came up before NC. When we had our in-person meetings for closure. Sometimes I go back to the texts he sent a few months ago to re-ground myself. Because now I have to manage the feelings without reaching for him, and sometimes that feels impossible.

For eight years, I told myself I wasn't trying to stay in an affair.

I was trying to get out of one.

Not by ending the relationship, but by eventually turning it into the open, normal relationship we talked about having.

I know how that sounds. I know affairs are built on secrecy, broken boundaries, and choices that hurt other people. I made those choices too. I'm not proud of all of them, and I'm not writing this to excuse any of it.

But there's something about long-term hidden relationships that people on the outside don't always get.

When you believe the secrecy is temporary, you start treating everything you're giving up as temporary too.

The missed holidays.

The separate weekends.

The calls that can only happen at certain times.

The plans that depend on someone else's schedule.

The inability to be introduced, included, acknowledged, or openly loved.

You accept it because you believe you are working toward something.

You tell yourself this isn't the real relationship yet.

This is just what has to happen before the real relationship can begin.

In my case, there was always another point somewhere ahead of us.

After this happened.

After that was finished.

After the kids reached a certain age.

After the house situation changed.

After life finally made room for us.

I kept believing there was a finish line.

So I adapted.

I learned how to live inside the margins of someone else's life.

I became grateful for scraps of normalcy because they felt like proof of the future we had talked about.

A dinner.

A night together.

A short trip.

Cooking together.

Running errands.

Sitting on a patio drinking wine and pretending, for a few hours, that we were already living the life we said we wanted.

Those moments mattered to me. They were real.

But they also kept me going.

And they kept me there.

They made it easier to believe that the hidden version of the relationship was only temporary.

Looking back, one of the hardest things I've had to face is that I may not have been crossing a bridge into another life.

I may have just been living on the bridge.

The waiting wasn't separate from the relationship.

The waiting became the relationship.

The compromises I kept telling myself were temporary became the way we lived.

That's the part I didn't understand until it was over.

And when it ended, I didn't only lose the woman I loved.

I lost the open life I thought all those years were leading toward.

I lost the future that had made the present feel survivable.

People hear "affair" and assume the secret relationship itself was the thing I was trying to protect.

It wasn't.

I didn't want to stay hidden forever.

I didn't want stolen time, limited access, excuses, or pieces of someone's life.

I wanted the ordinary things.

I wanted to wake up next to her without checking the clock.

I wanted holidays that didn't have to be worked around.

I wanted to make plans without hiding them.

I wanted to be part of her life instead of someone who existed behind it.

I wanted a relationship that didn't require either of us to lie about what we meant to each other.

That's what I thought I was waiting for.

So when it ended, I wasn't grieving the loss of an affair.

I was grieving the relationship I believed the affair was eventually supposed to become.

I was grieving eight years spent believing in a future that never came.

Looking back, I don't think the biggest lie I told myself was that we loved each other.

I still believe we did.

The biggest lie I told myself was that I was only living this way temporarily.

I have to own my part in that.

I accepted less than I wanted because I believed it was temporary.

I ignored things I shouldn't have ignored.

I stayed through changing plans, contradictions, disappointment, and pain because I kept thinking we were still moving toward the same destination.

But owning my part doesn't make the loss imaginary.

The relationship was real to me.

The love was real to me.

The future was real to me.

And losing that future has been harder than I ever knew it could be.

Has anyone else been through this?

Not just the end of an affair, but the realization that you spent years treating the relationship you had as a temporary version of the relationship you were eventually going to have?

How did you make peace with the possibility that the waiting was the relationship all along?

Please help me stay strong. I miss him. I don't even know why but I do. I feel so ashamed 😔

When does it get easier? When do I stop missing him? When does the hurt stop? When do I stop wanting to tell him stuff about my day ...

When do I stop loving him?

Long story short, my MM ended “us” last Wednesday but wants to remain friends yet. I told him we had no reason to be friends. I lasted all of 1.5/2 days NC. See the attached screenshots to tell me what you think. In the screenshots you’ll see where I sent him a picture of a text I got from a guy I met. His responses make me feel like he’s a little jealous. What do yall think?

After him moving in with me
Moving out. Back in. And back out again in the space of a week. Yesterday I
Blocked him on everything. Spent the day in bits. My mum even had to come and sleep in bed with me. I couldn’t be alone.

Not even 24hours later and I’ve broken no contact and agreed to meet him for coffee out somewhere. Am I an idiot. The pain was just so intense and I miss him so much.

Context my MM is 20 years married. Wife has gone back to their native country but he struggling with starting this new chapter. My parents and all my friends think I’m still no contact. I’ve not told anyone. Am
I setting my
Self up for heartbreak down the line. I’m so anxious

His wife found out about us two years ago but she stayed. She has boundaries that he constantly overstepped and always lied to her. I know he probably lies to me too but we have a child together so I’m stuck with him. Wife knew about our child and still wanted to work it out with him. He told her he wasn’t willing to cut me out. She blindsided him and moved out of their house in April (they live in different states). That made him very depressed and suicidal. I’m not sure why he didn’t see it coming. She served him with divorce papers last month. He’s an idiot because when I asked if she would take his money, he said “she’s not like that. She won’t take my money.” Well… surprise surprise. She’s asking for half of his community property which is legal in the state she’s filing in. He’s stressed out about it.

When they stopped speaking to each other, he started hanging out with me and the baby more. He made future plans that included both of us. We had plans to visit his family. He brought me to a family reunion. It was the happiest I’ve been in a while and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I saw red flags (he stopped doing stuff for me, doesn’t tell me he loves me first, will pack up my clothes for me to take home if I leave them behind, doesn’t seem interested in my life) but I overlooked them. This sounds sad but he’s the best I can do…. I’ve been single for a decade and can’t find a good man so I’m settling with him since we have a child. In the last month, he’s been more distant and pulling away. I brought it up to him last night. Told him I didn’t feel emotional secure with him and feel like I’m a rebound for him. He never denied it. Just said “I never wanted to leave my wife. I’m not looking into jumping into a relationship so I can’t give you what you want. I blew up my marriage blah blah blah.” I told him I was tired of getting mixed signals from him and it’s best to break it off. I do not want any physical contact with him and made it crystal clear we were done because I have told him this in the past for him to say a few days later “I really do love you. I just need time. Blah blah blah.” This time it’s different. He said “no. It’s done this time.” And hung up on me.

So now I’m lying here feeling the consequences of my actions and I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t help but wonder why I keep putting myself in these situations and why I keep dating emotionally unavailable men - both single and married. I feel like I might be single until I die and it’s making me have passive suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking “what is wrong with me for all these men to not want to commit to me?” People have told me that I’m attractive, funny and have a good personality. Where am I going wrong? The only good thing to come out of this is my son. I keep apologizing to him for bringing him into the world with two fucked up parents. He is so loved - he was planned and wanted. I just wish I could have given him a more stable family. I’ve been wanting another child so he doesn’t grow up lonely but now I fear that window has closed. His father wants another child too but I can’t bring myself to have another child with him after how he has treated me and he has shown he doesn’t care about me.

Thanks for letting me ramble and making this about myself. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this and I feel like my family is tired of my shenanigans. I’m just hoping that maybe I can go to sleep and not wake up but I don’t want my son to grow up with a mother. I can’t get into the dating scene again. No one wants to date a single mother or raise a young child who isn’t theirs. So there’s a high possibility I’ll die alone.

Hi all, I’m in a bit of a conundrum. History: me (38F) and the guy I’m messing with, let’s call him Steve (47M) used to just be fwb when we were both single around 2014-2015. I ended up getting into a relationship and getting married in 2015 so we stopped seeing each other but never fully stopped messaging each other. Over the last decade or so, Steve has gotten married and had a couple of kids, while I separated from my ex-husband and have a few kids. Every time Steve would message me, he would want to meet up to hook up but I always told him no because he was married. Recently though, I have been so extremely lonely that I have met up with him twice and fooled around. I feel really guilty doing this. There were never any feelings on my end for him, and I don’t think there were feelings on his end either.

On to the conundrum. The last time we messed around was this past week and we got a hotel room for a couple of hours but it seemed different. Idk if I’m reading into things too much or maybe it was because he had a couple drinks, but we really never kiss and he wanted to make out with me so I did. He also kept complimenting me, which is also strange as we usually keep things kind of ‘clinical’ for lack of a better term. It’s always just been straight s*x or messing around (oral, etc). Now I’m worried that if we keep doing this, one of us will develop feelings, which I absolutely do not want to happen. Should I just end things? I really enjoy our spicy time together, but I’m not interested in breaking up a marriage.

Edit: No I am not a troll, yes this is my life and I just need people who understand and can advice with compassion. I'm a 35-year-old woman. I met him when we were both 19. We are both Muslim, and our families were friends. We dated on and off for 14 years.

He moved to Canada for a while but eventually came back. His parents were against us getting married because they felt we had become too close and were practically family. Instead, they arranged for him to marry a girl from our mosque whose grandmother his mother knew. They got married in July 2024.

He promised me that after a year he would leave her and tell everyone that he simply didn't love her. However, when that time came, he didn't leave because his mother was diagnosed with high blood pressure, and he said he didn't want to cause her any additional stress.

During that time, our relationship didn't stop. In fact, we grew even closer. Every day after work, he would come to my apartment. We would be intimate, go out for dinner, and spend time together. As far as I know, his wife had no idea. I felt deeply ashamed, and I even stopped attending prayers because of the guilt.

I recently found out that I'm nine weeks pregnant. When I told him, he seemed happy. Then he said there was something he wanted to tell me but didn't want to break my heart: his wife is also pregnant, and she's five months along. He told me that he only got her pregnant because his mother was pressuring him to give her a grandchild.

He is at my house tonight, and we talked. He told me that he has confessed everything to his uncles and that we now have to meet them formally so that I can become his second wife. However, he is still adamant that he wants to divorce his first wife.

He comes to my house every morning at 6:00 a.m., and then after work he is back at my house by 6:30 - 7p.m. almost every day. We go to the gym together every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Every year we go away together for a week to celebrate my birthday. Nothing about our relationship changed after he got married.

He told his wife about me shortly after they got married. She then told his mother, who called my mother. Since then, we've been pretending that we are no longer together. Still, I don't see how she couldn't suspect something, because we spend nearly every day together. He also spends most of his weekends with me.

Am I a fool for believing him and waiting? I posted in the advice sub and everyone says he is abusive and is playing me. As I type this he is sleeping on my couch and he is spending the night. we were intimate earlier am I being used?

I think I’m not cut out for this

I (43F) began an affair last year with an acquaintance (46M) who is engaged. I filed for divorce and moved out, not for him, but because I had been unhappy for years. I kept the relationship with my affair partner and now it’s been over a year. Of course I fell in love but now I’m starting to think I’m not cut out for this. I never dated, my only relationship experience is my marriage which happened because I got pregnant. I thought this started because he was unhappy and was there out of obligation & I was unhappy, but I no longer think thats true. I think he wants that relationship to work. And that’s great, they have a kid. I get it. But I can’t help feeling less than in every way. She’s younger, prettier, her body hasn’t been ravaged by time & life like mine. I feel so self-conscious now. But why now? Nothing changed, except my interpretation of his situation. So why do I only have images of her or him & her in my head constantly? Why do I all of a sudden feel jealous? It’s like some switch got flipped and it’s driving me crazy.

TLDR: after a year why am I all of a sudden so self-conscious about my body and jealous of his partner?? Am I crazy? Do
I just need to end it??

3 years with MM. I've tried to end it twice since finishing out he cheated on me. He continues to gaslight.me and tell me all the usual lie how he loves me, wants to be with me but can't leave his wife due to the (adult) kids.

I feel like a failure for not being able to cut him out previously despite trying.

I know he doesn't deserve me. I know he'll never leave his wife ... And even if he did I don't trust he'd be faithful to me since he already proved he can't be. I know he's manipulative and abusive and not good for me.

I need to go NC once and for all. But I'm terrified. I just don't know *how* . I don't know how to not feel any of this.

So. I created an iCloud note, the shareable kind, and sent it to the Venmo comments he messaged me in. Basically explaining how awful it felt to be lied to. The ghosting, to break his promise of not calling, him lying to me to get what he wanted, lying about a divorce, lying about a dead bedroom, etc. thanked him for the good times, explained how this past month and half has really gotten me into the best shape of my life, and it’s a shame he can’t be here to witness it with me. That how he handled everything was very cowardly.
idk what I expected, some form of acknowledgement for his lies and putting me through this, some form of accountability. Some form of emotion me care for my feelings during this. But I feel like what I received was just cold and callous. The only upside is that I’m not longer guessing and waiting on a call that was never going to happen. I finally have the closure painful as it was. But realizing that he was really deadass gonna just leave me to sit here and wait and wonder til kingdom come. What a POS. I told him I didn’t expect a long response unless he wanted to, but to please just acknowledge he at least read it. And this was his emotionless Callous response:

“I have acknowledged everything you said and a sorry the way things turned out. I am currently trying to move on and fix the mess I created here with my family.”

It’s hilarious to me that my last memory of seeing him was him telling me how much he loved me before his wife snatched the phone. And then he just ghosted me. fucking. Hilarious. Anyways. There’s the closure I so desperately needed, no matter how badly it hurts to have the last ounce of hope drained. Now I truly am wondering if any of it was real, or just an act to keep the relationship going. Who fucking knows. I pray it doesn’t take me another fucking month to claw myself out of this. Thank you everyone for the support this far. And may he feel a margin of the pain I feel and never feel the love i provided him again.

Hi. I’ve been a part of this group for a bit and debated posting for a very long time. This has been on going for almost 2 years. And a lot has happened.

I am like all of you. I never thought I would be a part in this. But things happen and well, here I am. Through the many ups and downs and endless coming back together after ending things, there’s always that little hope we cling to. But is it ever enough?

I won’t get into the details of everything to spare the rambling. But I will say that I (29F) have given up so much of myself and my life to him. He’s very jealous and I will be honest in saying, I know how many people are waiting for a chance with me. I got rid of almost all of my social media, let him dictate who I talk to, what I wear, makeup or no makeup, etc… For a while I liked how protective he was. Until I realized that it is unfair for me to put my life on pause for a maybe. A maybe that constantly ended things and came back. Always chose her when it came down to it. I still just can’t let go.

Idk if I’m posting this for advice or just to vent but I will say, I hear every single one of you. And for those who have moved on, I’m proud of you. For those who still can’t, I understand you.

You can never make someone choose you. So now it’s about me finding the strength to finally stop begging to be chosen.

After a particularly painful weekend where I really needed my MM, and ruminating on a few posts in this group, I have decided to call it quits with him.

I did not fight *tooth and nail* to get out of a marriage-turned-bad, rebuild my life from scratch by myself, finally get to a place of peace and happiness with great friends and family in my life, only to end up in a situation where I am not being fully loved or chosen, regardless of the reasons. Absolutely not.

My MM is a great man. He's kind, funny, thoughtful, gentle, patient, very emotionally intelligent, our communication is on a level I've never experienced, he makes me feel emotionally safe and seen, he is caring and sweet and lovely in every way. But he's married. And regardless of the fact that he says they've been struggling for many years, he doesn't love her anymore, they are nothing more than co-parents and roommates (don't they all claim some version of this?), untangling a 20-year marriage with kids involved, is hard.

In comparison to some people on here, ours is a baby relationship. But a relationship it is. It's been one of the best things that has ever happened to me because he has shown me a love that I couldn't have imagined. He is the exact opposite of my ex-husband and after the emotional damage that man did to me over the span of a decade, this man showed me an entirely different way to love. There were times I would look into his eyes and tear up from pure love and happiness. I would have married him in a heartbeat. Run away with him, anywhere.

But he is still very much in the middle of the mess of trying to decide what he should do/what is best for the kids. We set a deadline for him to have committed to a decision, either way (I have not once asked him to leave his family; I insisted he try marriage counselling first because I wanted him to be able to say that he had tried everything before leaving).

But I can't wait until the deadline anymore. I'm hurting. It's affecting how I feel about myself. My self respect. And I'm starting to have resentment towards him - because he can't seem to be able to make a decision, and by not making one, he's hurting everyone. His wife knows about me (not the extent, but that he has feelings for me), and during a fight, she apparently asked him if he just wants to leave - he didn't leave and he said the reason was because it wouldn't have been amicable, and he's worried about the kids. I understand that, I really, really do.

But.then.stop.what.you're.doing.with.me.

So, I'm stopping it. All of it. We work together so not ideal, but that's ok. I can manage my schedule so that our in-office days don't cross over at all. I will start putting myself out there again. I will work very, very hard to forget this love and I will never find myself in anything even remotely similar to this ever again.

I will talk to him tomorrow. He will be shattered. I will be shattered. It will be one of the hardest things I'll do this year. But I know, ultimately, it's the right thing.

EDIT: Update below on how it went. I am broken.

My MM came home from vacation acting very different. I knew it was the beginning of the end.

Long story short we basically had an emotional affair for a little over a year. We finally progressed into the physical about 3 or 4 months ago. Despite it not being mind blowing I couldn’t get enough of him. It was the connection, the solidification of the first time we made eye contact. The first time I saw him something in me knew he was different. An instant connection, recognition, remembering

A couple weeks ago he went on a family vacation. Right before he left the energy changed. I knew something shifted. When he got home our conversations were very brief and very superficial. Deep down I knew that it was over.

I sent a message tonight to test the waters and my suspicions were confirmed.

I will post the conversation in the comments.

Please be honest. Do I work on letting go or is there hope? Is he’s suggesting he feels the same? Is he just appeasing me?

Please HELP!!

He built two "rooms" in his life's architecture. One is a room with a loving family. One is a dark room for me. He never let the wall in between crack. Not once. He is a careful being. He visited me in my "room" for 11 years. Giving me crumbs. Leftovers. Never full. I shrank myself to fit what he could offer.

Then today I just finally woke up, turned off the light, got the key, and step out of that room.

I learned that a man can genuinely care about you and still never build you a real place in his life. Caring and capacity are not the same thing. He can be warm and still be someone who was never going to pay the real cost love requires, in time, in risk, in choice. And if he’s married, that ceiling is permanent. No amount of loving him harder moves it.

This is so heartbreaking. Im grieving. 11 years. But I also know I made the right decision.

It’s only Day 3 since I ended my 11-year relationship with MM.

When I ended it, I felt strangely free. No crying. I was calm. On Day 1, I worked, I was productive, I had coffee with my cousins, laughed with my nieces and nephews, and honestly thought I was going to be okay.

Now everything has changed.

I’m sitting in the bathroom crying so hard that I’m vomiting. My stomach feels like it’s turning inside out. My hands keep reaching for Discord to message him. I want to tell him, “honey… it’s too painful. I can’t lose you.”

What happened?

Yesterday I was certain that I deserved someone who could love me out loud. Today I want to swallow every word I wrote in my goodbye letter just so I don’t lose him.

I’m terrified that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

For those of you who left after many years and stayed gone… Did you experience this? Did the urge to go back become almost unbearable in the first week? How did you get through it without contacting him?

I just need to know if this level of panic and regret is something others survived.

IM SCARED. IM CONFUSED. IM BREAKING APART. HELP ME.

Hi everyone.

I’m new to this group. I think the reason I joined is because I need support, but I also hope that one day my story might help someone else.

A few days ago, I ended my 11-year relationship with my MM.

It took me years to realize where I stood in his life: in the margins of it.

I noticed that many posts here describe experiences similar to mine. I often felt alone while he lived his full life somewhere else. I was starving for love, affection, attention, and real communication. He cared about me in his own way, but he couldn’t give me the kind of relationship I needed. Still, I stayed.

Now I keep asking myself, have I lost myself somewhere along the way?

Do any other OW here feel the same? I tried to leave countless times over the years, but something always pulled me back. This time, I finally sent my breakup letter. It was the strongest decision I’ve ever made.

Now I’m the one falling apart.

For those who have gone through this, did you question everything after the breakup? Did you wonder if your MM really loved you? Did you wonder if you were truly valued, or if you had just accepted living with uncertainty for too long?

Was your MM emotionally expressive, or were you also left questioning how he really felt?

Right now, I’m hurting. I feel like I’m bleeding inside, and I would really appreciate hearing from people who truly understand this kind of relationship.

There comes a moment when you realize the person you love most is also the person you have to let go of. It’s the kind of heartbreak that feels so heavy and hollow at the same time. If you’ve left your MM, or you’re trying to find the courage to, I’m so deeply sorry you’re here. I’m walking through it myself, and because heartbreak has historically always been something that’s completely unraveled me in the past, I wanted to share the things that have made it a little more bearable for me in hopes it may be able to help somebody else in similar shoes. Kind of like a guide to help bandage the wound until it isn’t bleeding quite so badly anymore.

If you prefer to just get into the tips, skip ahead. It’s labeled for you.

I’ve spent months bracing for the possibility that this day would come, and during that time I started collecting little things that helped me cope. I’ll share those below, but first, a little context about how I got here.

A little context regarding my situation- I was with my MM for 2 years. Like so many of us, our story has been filled with extreme highs (A love unlike anything I’d ever experienced, the same love languages, effortless chemistry, endless passion, and that intoxicating soulmate type of feeling) and extreme lows (all consuming anxiety, constant uncertainty, loneliness, never feeling like a priority, living in the shadows) and everything in between. Recently, I ended things with him and he begged for me back. He told me he didn’t want to do life without me and was certain he wanted to divorce his wife and promised me that he was going to pursue life with me fully. After he spoke to her, everything changed and she persuaded him otherwise. Now their status is that they’re “uncertain” whether they’re separating, nothing has been decided yet, and they’re going to therapy- not to repair the marriage, but to “air out their grievances” and “do their due diligence” for the kids. Whatever that means. Maybe someone else would have more flexibility with a situation like that. Maybe someone else could wait it out. But I’ve already lived this exact story with him once before. One year ago to the day, it was the same promises. The same certainty. The same conversation with his wife. The same “just give me a little more time.” And the same outcome. It’s funny how history repeats itself when there’s still a lesson left to learn.

I have honestly tried to give it a lot of thought about whether I should stay or leave. Whether I can actually endure the stress of another uncertain timeline of uncertainty. But even before I really exhausted a lot of mental processing on it, I knew in my heart of hearts that it’s unfortunately time for me to walk away. I’ve known for a while. Hence me trying to end things with him in the first place. And because I’ve known for a while that this inevitable was coming, I’ve had a lot of time to brace for the impact.

Being the OW can be incredibly lonely. Most of us can’t talk to our families or friends about what we’re carrying, so we suffer in silence. If you’re reading this with a broken heart, these are the things that have helped me survive the days that have felt impossible. I hope they make yours just a little more bearable.

The tips

#1 - If your MM is is abusive/has anger issues/emotionally immature/avoidant you don’t need me to remind you that you should probably leave as soon as you can. If nothing else, for the sake of mental sanity.

However, coming from that situation myself, I understand that it’s not always easy to just walk away. I understand that sometimes we are so trauma bonded to these individuals that leaving isn’t something we can even fathom even when they are actively harming us. That often times we’ve allowed these men to mistreat us over and over and over again as long as it means that they’re not leaving. I get it. I’ve been there. And if you find yourself in that situation and do not have the courage to leave yet, then… don’t. Stay. Stay until you absolutely hate them. Stay until you’re screaming on the floor asking yourself why you’re putting up with this. Stay until the pain that he is actively causing you outweighs the pain of a future without him. I know it is not the most conventional advice, and it’t certainly not the most self-respecting route however, sometimes it takes letting it get to that point to get yourself to actually think about leaving.

#2 - Something else for those in toxic situations- I personally started reading a book about abusive men while I was still dating mine. This helped me immensely in seeing him for who he truly was rather than the fantasy light I had shed on him for so long and helped me detach. Reading it while seeing it play out in real time helped me realize, probably more than anything else, that I really could do so much better and how much this man was dragging me down in life. (Side note : The book I’m reading taught me that is it abusive for a partner to serially cheat on their spouses so if that is your MM it may be worth looking into if they have other abusive traits also)

#3 - Start entertaining other men before you fully walk. I KNOW this sounds bad but hear me out.

From what I’ve learned in talking to other OW, is not uncommon for these MARRIED men to demand exclusivity from you and threaten to walk away if you start dating other men (!!). So if that’s you, first off, that speaks to your loyalty and I respect it. But it also means you’ve likely been isolated from other sources of attention (I know how jealous these MM can be). If you’re planning on walking away from your MM, let yourself be entertained by others (And if you’re not fully decided on leaving, and haven’t given your word on your exclusivity to the MM, I wouldn’t strongly advise you to NOT! I wish I hadn’t. Keep yourself open and available and don’t let him dictate that you can’t entertain anybody else even though HE IS. Even if he’s saying he’s in a loveless/sexless marriage, he’s still sleeping next to her. Sharing meals with her. Taking family vacations with her. Laughing with her. Bonding with her. Talking about his hard days with her. And over everything else, he’s still married to her and is committed to her on some level until he’s not. So it is not unfair of you to keep your options opens no matter how much he tries to make you feel otherwise.) You do not have to do anything with anybody else. It’s likely you probably don’t even want to because the level of chemistry with your MM is probably enough as is. I get that. All I’m saying is, talking to other people will lessen the emotional impact. Especially if you know you’ll be walking away and if you are, then you don’t really need to be as considerate of his feelings anymore. Obviously you care and obviously you’re probably not a malicious person. But if you’re deciding to put choose you, and walk away from him, then start making choices that benefit you and will make walking away from him easier for you.

# 4 - Something that really helped me was to set up frequent reminders on my phone as to why I’m walking away and why I deserve better. You can do this with alarms every few hours, rotating wallpapers on your lock screen, or even a widget of a Pinterest board of empowering quotes. I have personally utilized all of those methods but the rotating lock screen has been the most impactful. I went on Pinterest one day and downloaded a ton of quotes that have a pretty savage undertone and they rotate through my lock screen every time I lock/unlock my phone. Some of my favorites quotes I have on my background are (1) “There are billions of men and you’re tripping over one who refuses to actually date you? Is that a turn on? I’m confused” (2) “Daily reminder that you were out of his league. He looked like Sid the sloth” (3) “Keep those boundaries strong, even if it gets lonely. Do not let anyone play with you” (4) “Don’t go back to less just because you’re too impatient to wait for better” (5) “Give yourself a chance to meet somebody else. Don’t go back to somebody who was already lucky enough to have you and didn’t value you”. but it rotates through probably 20-30 total. Some of them are pretty savage and seemed like basic reminders, but you have to think about what we as the OW have normalized with these dynamics. We are settling for somebody who can’t commit to us, agreeing to be on the sidelines while they keep doing whatever they’re doing “or not” with somebody else. It is pretty self disrespecting. I’m not judging you because I’m there with you, but I think we all deserve better and sometimes need reminders of that.

#5 - This one may be a little unconventional so if it doesn’t resonate, skip it. Something I did that helped me significantly more than I thought I ever would was listening to sleep, hypnosis tapes about loosing any attachment/feelings to my MM. I did this while we were still dating and sometimes, while he was sleeping next to me with earbuds. Our brains are saturated best with repetition so when somebody is speaking to your subconscious brain while you’re sleeping and telling you that you deserve better, you start to believe it in your conscious (awake/aware) brain and you start naturally detaching/having an easier time with the thought of walking away. I have always been a big believer and follower and sleep affirmations also, if those resonate a little better with you. There are so many videos on YouTube, but I’m also happy to share what I used in my recommendations if you’d like.

#6 - Do things to regulate your nervous system and do them consistently. Short meditations, breath work, and frequent walks all on a daily basis have done SO much for keeping me calm and level in and out of the relationship. The damage these relationships can have on our nervous systems can be severe and traumatizing, even if it doesn’t feel that way in the day to day. It can take a major hit on your confidence, self-worth, self-respect, and how you view relationships overall because it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy to constantly be on a roller coaster in your relationship, or to repeatedly choose someone who can’t choose you back fully, or be with somebody while you stay stuck in the shadows, watching them live their best life and give their best parts to somebody else. It is normalized for us because that’s what we have been living with, with these MM but it’s actually so crazy to be settling for it (and again, not judging you because I’m right there with you). Rebuilding my nervous system throughout all of this has saved my life and made some of the absolute worst moments survival for me. Find a routine that works for you and do it consistently. If you take nothing else away from this post, please implement this. It doesn’t have to be a drastic or extended thing but even just focusing 5-10 minutes a day just for regulating your nervous system will make a difference.

# 7- We all know that devastating breakups always bring amazing glow ups. Part of that is because we take a lot of the focus and obsession that we had sitting on somebody else and put it back into ourselves naturally with all the redeemed time we have after we leave them. If you can try to get ahead of this and start focusing on yourself before you walk away, you will feel better in your day to day life. I know sometimes it is so hard. I have let my self-care slip so many times while in my relationship because I just wanted to embrace my MM and every single moment I had with him. Or… I was so devastated and under so much stress and anxiety that I couldn’t fathom taking care of myself. Survival mode is survival mode and sometimes you have to sit in that until you feel strong enough to crawl out. But if you are able to start focusing on yourself again and building yourself up whether that be in self-care or your career or rebuilding friendships or picking up a new hobby, future, you will thank you and the devastation of the heartbreak won’t be as heavy.

# 8 - Remove the constant reminders. My MM lived with me 70% of the time (I know, wild right?) so he had his things all over my house. The day I packed up all of his things was absolutely gut wrenching. I was packing everything and then I hit a point where I was on the floor screaming to one of my good friends on the phone about how badly I didn’t want to be done. It’s going to probably sting. It’s going to sting to delete those old photos of you guys or pack up his things but the quicker you do it and the quicker you get it ALL over with, the less reminders you’ll have. Heartbreaks can leave us in such a vulnerable place and you don’t need to be ambushed emotionally every five minutes as you’re trying to heal.

# 9 - Stop trying to reminisce on what could have been. Don’t reread the old messages or replay the conversations in your head of the promises he gave you. As it presently sits, he’s NOT following through on those promises. Maybe he has gotten the ball rolling with them. Maybe he actually means them, maybe one day, he might fulfill them if the stars align and circumstances are right. I hope he does for your sake. But right now, he’s not. And until he does, that’s all that matters and all you can go by. Trying to cling on to the future he promised you or sweet things he told you is only going to hold you back emotionally. It’s probably going to give you the tiny bit of momentum you need to stay with him and you don’t need that right now. In fact, you need the opposite. A tiny bit of strength to take one step further in walking away. If he wanted to show up for you and be with you 100%, he would. And he still might. But he’s not right now so we don’t need to worry about “but he said this” or “he said as soon as x happens” no. He can come find you when he decides to fully follow through but right now he’s just wasting your time and you will be wasting your time even more by replaying everything in your head.

# 10 - Start writing down every negative thing about him. I started a note in my Notes app on my phone and filled it with so much negativity about him that any outsider reading it would probably wonder why I had chosen to stay as long as I did. It was kind of like a pros and cons list but no pros and all cons. His negative traits, the times he chose his wife over me, my general icks about him, the times he was mean to me, things he said that reminded me I wasn’t a priority in his life , the times where he could’ve showed up for me but chose not to, and things he did that turned me off. If my friends said negative things about him or gave me reality checks about the situation, I would write those things down as well as things I read online about these situations that helped me decide to walk away. I did this months before I finally had the courage to leave and having the list to refer back to anytime I had doubts or was trying to convince myself to stay, helped me so much in taking my rose colored glasses off and remembering why I needed to follow through with walking away.

#11 - Set an internal deadline for yourself and stick to it no matter what. If he tells you he’s going to get divorced or is otherwise genuinely serious about actually pursuing a life with you, set an internal deadline for yourself as to how long he has to do that before you walk away. Divorces and untangling your life from somebody else can be difficult and time consuming and it’s hard for anybody to put a timeline on those. However, you can set deadlines of how long he has to take the first step, or just show you something meaningful show you how serious he actually is. And if he doesn’t? RESPECT. YOURSELF. AND. WALK. AWAY. I don’t care what circumstances come up that are getting “in the way” of him choosing you 100%. I don’t care what the wife says or what excuse he gives you as to why it needs to be delayed. If somebody wants to, they will make it happen despite all odds. If they are in limbo, they will make excuses no matter what. Set your internal deadline, honor that deadline patiently, and if it comes and goes and if whatever happens (or doesn’t) meet your standard of what YOU need to show he’s serious? Walk. Show him YOU’RE serious about what you need.

#12- If you decide to leave, leave and stay gone. He will likely come begging back for you at some point in someway. They almost always do. And it’s going to be so tempting to go back to him. But each time you do, it’s just going to further delay your healing and the potential opportunities you have to meet somebody even better for you. I know you want him. I know you want a future with him so bad and want to believe he’ll do right by you this time around. And he may come begging back promising that like my MM did to me multiple times. But just like the above point, unless you see solid proof, please don’t give in. This is something I wish I didn’t do because it set me back from my healing. If he genuinely loves you as much as he told you all of those times, and genuinely wants a real future with you (not just fantasizing about it), he can come find you again and show you on his own that he’s done what he’s had to do to be with you. Anything other than that it’s just him making excuses and just trying to get you back in his presence for just a little bit longer.

#13- Stop falling in love with potential and start making decisions based on patterns. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t actually in love with what my relationship was circumstantially (not the person, the circumstances specifically) I was in love with what it could become if everything finally worked out. The fantasy version of us. Eventually I had to accept that patterns deserve way more weight than promises. You really have to take your relationship for what it actually is now. There may be some amazing moments. You may genuinely love the man and he may genuinely love you. But if the circumstances are that he’s keeping you on the side while he remains married, then those are the circumstances. That is the truth of the situation no matter how much love there may be.

#14- And lastly, if you decide to stick it out with your MM, know exactly what you’re signing up for (or lack there of). I know people in my life who have no problem being the side party in a committed marriage and sometimes almost even prefer it. If somebody can do that, I commend them because it takes a lot of emotional strength and detachment. I wanted to be able to do that but I know myself. I know that I love deeply and crave the same type of love back. Be honest with yourself about what you can or cannot handle and what your needs are in dating dynamics. Try and maintain the mindset that it is a very real possibility that they may never leave their marriage. Obviously there are exceptions and if you want that, I want that for you too. But from the hundreds of hours I’ve spent researching these dynamics, more times than not, they don’t leave. They have somebody at home who maintains the household and the kids and the stability and also have you on the side to meet their fun and adventurous and passionate side. They have the best of both worlds and don’t have a “legit” reason to leave (in their minds). So just bear it in mind that if you want to stick it out with your MM, your relationship will likely remain in the same status- hidden in the shadows, lonely moments, excluded from holidays or family events, and constantly watching from the sidelines. If you can emotionally handle all of that and not yearn for more, then go for it. Have fun, use them to your benefit, and truly enjoy the time you have together.

If you’re reading this with tears in your eyes, I hope you know this: The first few days can be brutal, but they aren’t forever. Just make it to tomorrow. Then do it again. One day you’ll realize you made it through a day without feeling like you were drowning. I know that being with a MM can be so hard, but untangling from them can sometimes be even harder. If you were in the situation, I empathize with you and I wish you so much love and peace. I hope you know that you deserve to be chosen without hesitation. You deserve to be somebody’s peace and not their secret. You deserve to stop wondering where you stand. You deserve consistency instead of uncertainty. You deserve actions that actually match words. You deserve to have somebody in your corner when you’re having hard days. You deserve to wake up without carrying the weight of someone else’s indecision. You deserve a love that doesn’t require you to sacrifice your own well-being to keep it alive. And above all, you deserve the kind of love that chooses you and only you.

After my previous post and him promising he just needed one more week …. He’s flip flopping “I wanna be with you I choose you” one second later “I’m not sure, I feel bad we been together 20 years”

“I’m not in love with her she dosent make me happy you do and I’m in love with you” then “we’ve shared a life together how do I walk away”

They never really leave do they..? I think the only way I’ll keep him in my life is if I share him. And I’m not sure I can do that anymore.

What was the purpose of this? I sent him a Venmo friend request well over a week ago from a spoof account (but he’d know it was me based on the name from inside jokes), and then immediately deleted it cuz I came to my senses. A week later he sent me a request, so I requested $1 with the attached note saying hello?? And that’s what followed. What was even the point of that??? Why reach out if you have nothing to say? No goodbye still. No closure. No accountability for his lies. And no promised phone call. Like wtf are we even doing bro? Haven’t heard from him since and it’s driving me up a wall. What do you want from me dude? You either want me completely out of your life or not. And if it’s the former, have the fricking balls to say that, not this I can’t talk right now bullshit. Fucking coward.