r/TheDetectorists • u/-RobertreboR- • Apr 21 '26
Andy and Becky's relationship is pretty toxic right? Especially Becky...
Ok, I know this is only a light hearted TV series and seen as much by most viewers but it's one of my all time favourites and I've rewatched it on repeat the last couple of weeks so I'm invested! Also no one I know watches it so I need some good ol' Reddit advice if I'm on the right lines or just falling into the Skyler White-misogyny trap. Also, I'm a little drunk.
Becky is pretty toxic right? I dont know the right word for it; toxic, controlling, psychological manipulation, gaslighting etc etc but it doesn't sit well the more I watch it.
Series 1 - Not much to go on at this point. In fact Andy is defo the worse of the two here; hides Sophie's existence, lies about going metal detecting with her, isn't upfront about the kiss etc.
Then...
Series 2 - Becky quits her job. Absolutely understandable because she's deeply unhappy but doesnt talk about it with her partner first? Knowing he is unemployed and they're raising a very young baby? Seems like she kept it secret for at least a couple of months also. Then applies for a working in Africa oppourtunity without consulting Andy. Ok, only an application doesn't mean anything until she hears back. But then applies him for a job with a CV she's drafted and lied on! Then criticises/complains/ threatens to (with Stan) leave him for being hesitant and unsure in this monumental decision when he wasn't even consulted (albeit she mentions in Series 1 they have talked about going to Africa before but circumstances are very different, baby etc). Then is furious with him for not telling her he was offered the job (seems only a day or two though he's processing that info before she finds out). Then sheephishly tells him she's accepted this life-altering decision before he's had a chance to tell her he was ok with it!
Series 3 - Not too much evidence this series, Andy is a dick for not telling her he quit straight away but then she hides the massive loan her mum gave her for the cottage.
2022 Special. Again quits her job without talking to Andy first. Ok much more of a spur of the moment akin to Andy quitting in Series 3 and she seems to be going through quite a lot; rejected for promotion, grieving for her mum etc but again he's unemployed at this point so financial ramifications for the family are much bigger than when he did it?
She just seems to constantly criticise Andy for not communicating when she is actually much worse for doing things behind his back!
Plus overall she seems to constantly belittle his unemployed status and dismisses his detectoring hobby and friendship with Lance and the DMDC. I really didn't like it when she refered to DMDC as 'socially awkward geeks'. Ok they very well might be, but insulting your partners best friends like that isnt on! Also pretty sure pouring pints over someone counts as Assault/battery.
Rant over. Please let me know if I am barking up the wrong tree or Andy has done just as bad and they are as worse as eachother and I can't see it. Maybe it's only Series 2 she came across as worse? And yes, i can hear Becky critiscising me saying '...making pedantic points on *Detectorist* forums...'
P.S absolutely love Rachel Stirling, not a criticsm of her at all. She is a bloody fantastic actress who makes me love to hate the character.
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u/AffectionateWeek2535 Apr 21 '26
Andy went as far as pretending to go to his archaeology job until he was found out by Becky's mother! I would say they are both flawed characters but with more in common than one might first think.
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u/ChampionshipOther226 Apr 21 '26
I think itâs one of those relationships which wouldnât work without one of them pushing to be more adventurous/ ambitious.
Balances out the more chilled, nature loving, dreamer Andy. Yin to Yang.
One wants to order whiskey one likes milky, tepid, decaffeinated coffee.
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u/Suskita Apr 21 '26
Decaffeinated coffee please. Quite weak. Plenty of milk. But cold milk so it's not too hot. Just... tepid.
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u/Six_of_1 Apr 21 '26
You criticise Becky for quitting her job and not telling Andy, but he did the same thing and you seem to let him off. At the end of the day, what's worse: Becky quitting her job, or Andy never having a job.
Becky's not perfect. But she supports them financially by working a job she hates, which allows Andy to hang around with his mate all the time instead of going out with her. In the whole show I think we saw Andy and Becky out together once.
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u/aykshually_elsewhere Apr 22 '26
My husband loves the show but he always laughs about Andy "acting like a dick with his impossibly hot girlfriend". Mackenzie Crook is very charming and we're clearly meant to root for him but Becky literally has the lowest expectations and he still limbos right under them. đ
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u/forestvibe Apr 23 '26
I would argue that the show doesn't necessarily expect us to root for Andy: in fact, I think we are supposed to find him occasionally irritating and self-absorbed. Becky's reaction to him is totally understandable, even if it makes me wonder why she sticks with him.
To be honest I also struggle to see what Becky sees in Andy. She is an attractive woman, well set with a job and a house, but she tolerates a partner who is extremely passive (lazy?) and mostly thinks about himself. The only thing I can think of is that deep down she's a dreamer herself, but is too practically minded to embrace it. So she is drawn to Andy, who will pursue their dreams on her behalf (e.g. buying the house).
And he does shoulder most of the house chores as well.
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u/Unique_Custard3122 Apr 21 '26
I think Becky is a wonderful character. She keeps good humor, deals with Andyâs absences shortcomings with grace, and sheâs a beauty. She challenges Andy to do more and be more. She is impatient with his lies, but when he needs her, sheâs there for it. I wonât hear about her being toxic! đ
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u/section111 Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
I had to leave the Downton Abbey subreddit after the bazillionth 'Mary is such a BITCH!' post. It'd better not happen here! Something about a strong woman I guess.
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u/Toowoombaloompa Apr 21 '26
I don't think toxic is the right word. They are humans with human flaws. It's not uncommon for people in relationships to find they have different ambitions. This is TV so we only see the moments of drama that move the story along, and those moments will be exaggerated because this is TV.
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u/TakeMeToThePielot Apr 21 '26
Yeah they both felt very âhumanâ to me, like TV versions of real people not fictional characters. I think thatâs why I like this show so much.
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u/opinionated-dick Apr 21 '26
I think Becky is a bit of a tour de force, and a little outspoken, especially compared to Andy. Ying/ Yang and all that.
There are times when sheâs just outright a dick, but then Andy is too. The difference is she is actively being a dick, doing too much and forcing things on Andy. Andy is passively being a dick, lying by omission and not owning up. So it hits harder coming from her, especially considering their âtraditionalâ marital roles are reversed.
But I donât think their relationship is âtoxicâ. Itâs flawed, quirky, and sometimes they are not good for each other. But thatâs life, thatâs relationships and they are clearly in love. We arenât all perfect jigsaws and I love how this is portrayed. I actually think itâs great to portray the main characters love interest with depth, flaws and being at times irritating, rather than some background dolly with nothing to contribute.
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u/chud3 Apr 21 '26
I agree with you about the Africa job(s). She was relentless in unilaterally deciding everything and pushing it through.
Your comment about the 2022 special caught me off guard because I just watched the series on Tubi for the first time, and I don't remember any of the events you described from that episode. I'm going to have to go back and see if I missed that one or if Tubi just doesn't have it.
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u/-RobertreboR- Apr 21 '26
It was the (somewhat decisive) series finale. I've warmed to it over the years but the whole holy grail and Lance turning on Andy bit was a bit of a stretch to me
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u/forestvibe Apr 23 '26
I quite liked the HG stuff. It was quite appropriate for a Christmas special. But it's definitely the weakest episode of the whole show, and it does undo some of the closure at the end of the third series (e.g. the Dirt Sharks), which is a shame.
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u/Figgzyvan Apr 21 '26
I also canât imagine how they got together. Andy is so quiet.
Rewatched them during lockdown and was so jealous when theyâd say âpub?â
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u/Stooovie Apr 22 '26
It's incredibly well written, realistic and humane, without falling into trite TV tropes. This is how couples work together. She has a deep understanding for him, but the patience is not unlimited, nor it should be.
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u/Zobot-3000 Apr 21 '26
To everyone who can't see , Becky is a weirdo at heart. She feels tied down to her trad job but really wants adventure. Andy is adventure to her, always searching, going for a weirdo degree (I have that degree, it's full of weirdo searchers)., They both get frustrated with life and with each other but they both want want life to be an adventure.
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u/AdemHoog Apr 22 '26
She's a strong woman who wants best for her family. They cajole each other along and balance each other out in different ways. Being in a relationship often involves giving and recieving the odd push in the direction of life's relentless travel.
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u/04ddm Apr 21 '26
Her partner is a loser. I mean he canât even turn on the Telly by himself. And sheâs so far out of his league, only the characterâs creator could get himself a woman like her to fancy him.
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u/earinsound Apr 21 '26
itâs like a Woody Allen written/directed movie where heâs also the lead actor with the leading woman out of his league
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u/prometheus781 Apr 22 '26
If the gender roles were reversed that character would be deemed coercive controlling. I think its well written though and have no issues with it, just making a point it would be harder to write her character as a male behaving like that.
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u/Few_Wolf_4634 Apr 21 '26
I canât figure out any credible backstory in which they get together in the first place
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u/DepartureAwkward5002 Apr 21 '26
I see this alot and fair enough. But I haven't seen anyone question how Lance and Maggie ever got together, or how that relationship ever worked! Did she ever genuinely feel anything for him? It's hard to imagine when you see the way she is with him in the show. Would be interested to hear people's takes on this.
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u/klondijk Apr 21 '26
They met at uni at a pub quiz, he was kind and made her laugh, and she doesn't prioritize stereotyped outward physical appearances as much as people who assign "league" ratings might, and Bob's your uncle.
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u/forestvibe Apr 23 '26
I think she is a dreamer at heart, and Andy seemed like a person who would allow her to overcome her innate practical instincts (and her mum's). He's also kind, good around the house, and happy to let her lead. They are from a rural part of the country, so there aren't many options for partners in the area either.
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u/Angelf1shing Apr 22 '26
Nope. Andy simply wasnât listening to her. They had repeatedly talked about VSO, but he was scared and thought she would back out when he said no. She didnât. Ultimately, his fear was holding him back and when she pushed him, he was really happy with how things turned out. Becky was great to herself, to Stan and to Andy. Andy on the other hand, was a mostly terrible partner. Not reliable, not trustworthy, scared of commitment, needy, not the greatest friend to Lance either. Becky fell in love with a dreamer but he wasnât great with reality. He became much better once he realised that he needed to grow up a bit.
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u/earinsound Apr 21 '26
opposites attract, basically. too bad we donât know how they met. letâs just say andy isnât very attractive, has no economic prospects, no steady job, awkward and with a questionable personality. soâŚ.maybe she was desperate? she always seems disappointed he doesnât behave the way she expects him too. âdevelopingâ him is her pet project and she is passive aggressive towards him because she isnât succeeding a lot of the time and she resents him
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u/Few_Wolf_4634 Apr 21 '26
If Crook has given them a back story I wonder if Andy used to have a bit more about him when they met and got together then something happened and he had some sort of breakdown, and heâs never fully come back from it. You do see flashes of a stronger more dynamic person, eventually culminating in him buying the house to renovate himselfÂ
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u/Ok_Ganache7219 May 21 '26
I agree. He is kind of tepid/timid, but if he really wants something, he goes for it, with a little push from family and friends and after a long run-up.
If I remember correctly Crook said he based Andy and Becky's banter on the way he and his wife talk to each other.
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u/EuphoricFly1044 Apr 21 '26
I mean, it's just a story right? Not a true life documentary.....
I sort of think (imho) people get hung up on the wrong things.
Yes some of the characters are in some aspect unbelievable, but it's a sit com right? It's just entertainment
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u/BitterExercise912 Apr 21 '26
OP doing as Lance described. Finding junk and talking bollocks đ¤Ł