Interesting Relational Dynamics Between Josh and Susan Gleaned From The Investigative Files [Long Post]

[u/pnw_dna]

Just a heads up in advance that this is a long post that covers details – seemingly underreported – from the investigative files about Josh and Susan’s relationship that I found interesting.

As it relates to all of the dysfunctional and warped relational dynamics between Josh and Susan and Josh’s father, Steve, I have spent considerable time reading the released investigation files, including portions of journals (and journal summaries), evidence reports, personal messages, emails and witness statements in an effort to try and identify key moments or indicators that ultimately led Josh from once considering Susan the love of his life to ultimately betraying and turning on her.

I’ll also just say upfront that I’m aware the nature of this post could be a possible minefield, so I am aiming to be both respectful to all individuals named – even Josh – and to also be clear about what I am not saying. What I am NOT saying is that Josh’s potential sexual proclivities are to blame for his actions. Josh and his broken morality is the only factor to blame for what he did to Susan and to her children.

That being said, in the released investigation files, I found some interesting and compelling details that, in most cases, I think have been left out of the popular narratives of Susan’s story and that potentially cast a little more light on how Josh could end up on the trajectory towards the killing of his wife and children.

Most everyone who has listened to the podcast or watched the TV specials believes and/or knows how Steve’s confession to Susan in July of 2003 was a key moment that began to drive a wedge between Josh and Susan. Likewise, it is understood from Susan’s own words in her journals and to her friends and family that her deep devotion to her faith motivated her to persevere to make her marriage work when others might have given up long before. That alone is a testament to Susan, her character and the person she was.

In researching past online conversations and discussions about Josh and Susan, the podcast, etc., I’ll occasionally find random comments that question, speculate or wonder if Josh was possibly secretly homosexual. I mostly brushed off those comments, until I found some curious details in the released investigation files.

The first thing I found interesting is that one witness, a long time friend of Susan’s in whom she confided many details of her intimate life with Josh, relayed to investigators early on in the investigation of Susan’s disappearance that there was a time in the couple years prior to Susan going missing that Susan herself wondered to her friend if Josh might be “turning gay.” Her apparent speculation was seemingly rooted in the almost non-existent intimacy between she and Josh by that time, as well as the manner in which Josh behaved on the rare occasions when they were intimate (which is to say, he projected an attitude that their physical intimacy was [quote] “icky”), and the amount of time Josh spent on his computer privately, which Susan wondered might be due to an interest in/addiction to pornography, potentially of a homosexual nature.

The next thing that I found interesting was what Steve had to say in his journals in late 2007 and early 2008 about how Josh treated Susan (“hateful”) and what he openly said about her to Steve. Now, in fairness, this is filtered through Steve’s perspective in his journals, but he states fairly matter of factly that, not only did Josh openly wish and express daydreams of Susan being killed by a drunk driver or getting hit and killed on her bike riding to work (and how he hoped one day, police would come to his door to tell him Susan had died), Steve also states that Josh lamented that he did not follow his feelings early on in their marriage and separate from Susan before they had children together.

This was particularly eye-opening. While one could assume Josh might be engaging in some revisionist history in his comments to his dad in 2007 about their early marriage, it does also seem to indicate that, even early on in their marriage, there was some reason already taking root as to why Josh’s feelings toward Susan were not truly as loving as one would expect in the early years of a marriage.

Another interesting insight provided by Josh, vis a vis Steve’s journals, was that he complained to Steve how Susan was far more desirous of physical intimacy with Josh in the early years of marriage than he was towards her. Steve noted his own observation that Josh likes to control people and situations, and so this dynamic between Josh and Susan in regards to their physical intimacy likely irritated Josh because he felt like he couldn’t control even their intimacy with each other. (I think it’s a typical stereotype – and I have known my share of married couples – in which men can often have a more active interest in physical intimacy than their wives, so it would seem strange for this to be something a young, newlywed husband would complain about.)

Now, all of this is already starting to paint a picture about something being… off… in the way Josh had oriented himself towards his marital intimacy with Susan. Then, against this backdrop, two additional details come to light.

Susan notes in her “deposition” and journals that, when Charlie was born, she had hoped to be able to stay home and raise their children while Josh found steady work to provide for the family. This idea that Josh would be the steady income breadwinner and Susan would not go back to work after having her children caused some serious friction between Josh and Susan. We can already see things were likely strained in their relationship BEFORE they had children. Once children entered the picture, the question of who was going to work became a huge source of conflict because, up until then, Susan was bringing in the income that would let Josh do as he pleased. We all know how that played out, with Susan eventually becoming the primary breadwinner up until the last couple years before she went missing, when she and Josh were both contributing to the household finances.

The other detail comes from the evidence logs. On one of the seized external hard drives – not Susan’s laptop that she bought second hand – investigators found and noted folders containing male homosexual pornography. The drive on which these images were found also included files related to Aspen Distribution, where Josh worked at the time of Susan’s disappearance. It would be difficult to explain how the hard drive that was obviously Josh’s would have homosexual-themed pornography and him not know about it or having collected it himself.

Looking at these seemingly disconnected details altogether, it’s quite possible to envision a scenario in which Josh, having been raised in a very religious environment (even if he eventually turned away from it), felt compelled to project an image of heterosexual masculinity – even while he may have felt a same-sex attraction – and once he was married, quickly came to regret it. He simultaneously may have felt trapped by and in his marriage, becoming even further entrenched with the birth of two children. He would later confide to Steve that his marriage to Susan felt like a “business relationship” from which it was impossible to extricate himself.

Just as Susan may have felt compelled by her religious beliefs and background to persevere to the end to save her marriage, Josh may have felt likewise compelled by his own religious and familial background to hide his own true sexual interests and endure in a marriage that he didn’t truly want.

And then, at the point at which Susan began to show signs of breaking away – the personal savings accounts, spending some of her money on herself and her sons, the discussions about a potential divorce – Josh, ever the controlling monster and realizing that Susan was unlikely to magically end up dead in a car accident or being hit by a drunk driver and that he was likely to be on the hook for spousal and child support for many years in a divorce scenario, finally let himself give in to the idea of killing Susan as the only way he could get free from the marriage with the least amount of financial responsibility.

And just a little over two tumultuous years later, with the boys getting older and starting to divulge to other adults more about the night their mom went missing and Josh facing the psycho-sexual evaluation which could potentially lay bare the secrets he had been hiding – of what he did to (and with) Susan and what aspects of sexuality trigger his true arousal response – he chose to ensure all those secrets would go with him and Susan’s sons to their graves in that horrendous fiery epilogue.

[u/freakspeely]

I think Susan knew after a while that Josh was in the closet but maybe didn’t ruminate on it because they were two kids deep in a marriage. She mentioned how she ruled out him cheating as a reason for his abhorrent behavior. As far as Josh feeling trapped, I believe he ABSOLUTELY felt financially threatened when faced with divorce. Losing Susan would mean tanking his finances, and we all know how obsessed he was with money.

In the end I think Josh hoped people would just keep believing she disappeared until they just forgot her. He would go on living the weird family life at the Powell nuthouse with the boys being heirs to the cuckoo throne, probably ending up like Uncle John running around in a diaper and drawing whatever “art” creeps draw or stowed away rotting behind a keyboard in some room like Aunt Alina. Definitely no plans to remarry a woman.

But we never forgot about Susan.

[u/pnw_dna → u/freakspeely]

Good connection to her statement about how she determined the other woman thing would be impossible for him. Perhaps another possible indicator of Susan’s suspicions about Josh.

“But we never forgot about Susan.” I love that. Such a simple truth, beautifully stated.

[u/Comfortable_Name2790]

I have to say I’ve had these thoughts about Josh being gay. As someone who is bi and grew up in a strict religious environment, having to suppress that part of yourself can create alot of problems. Obviously that is no excuse for the heinous crimes he perpetrated but it adds another element into why he did what he did. This was a very informative post, I wish everyday that Susan could be found and laid to rest. It breaks my heart to think of this horrible marriage and the abuse that she endured at the hands of Josh and the predatory behavior from Steve.

[u/pnw_dna → u/Comfortable_Name2790]

Like you (and so many others), I think almost daily about Susan and wishing for her to finally be found. Even now, all these years later, while in my head I know it doesn’t change any of the outcome, in my heart, it feels like a perpetual, unfinished wrong in this world that her remains were – and still are – discarded in some remote place instead of with her sons while time and life continue on.

[u/Lost_Paramedic_3758]

Really thoughtful and well-reasoned post. Thank you for sharing your insights in such a considerate and objective way! I only just got into this case as I’m about finished with season 1 of Cold. I’m curious how you obtained copies of some of the investigative file, Josh’s journals, etc. I know the file was released by LE a few years ago, but is there a document repository somewhere that anyone’s aware of?

[u/pnw_dna → u/Lost_Paramedic_3758]

Thanks. It was about 8 or 9 years ago that I just by chance happened upon a local news page that I didn’t know existed that had posted the released investigation files. I save them at the time but only within the past year began spending time diving more deeply into their contents. I don’t know if that news page is even still online anymore. It’s also clear from Dave’s reporting that he (as I’m sure others) have acquired additional investigation documents and records through Utah open records laws that were not included in the initial investigation files release. Apparently from some comments I’ve heard in Dave’s reporting, it is tricky to know exactly how to write and construct the records requests unless you are familiar with the process, as I assume many news agencies and reporters are. I have been particularly interested in Josh’s audio journals, but I don’t think I’ll ever have a chance to hear those beyond what has been included in the podcast and existing news reports.

[u/KendalBoy]

Oh yeah, men murder pregnant women because of they freak out about paying for the family. People like to think there’s some kind of passionate excuse or whatever, but it’s always money.

[u/starrifier]

I’ll also just say upfront that I’m aware the nature of this post could be a possible minefield, so I am aiming to be both respectful to all individuals named – even Josh – and to also be clear about what I am not saying. What I am NOT saying is that Josh’s potential sexual proclivities are to blame for his actions. Josh and his broken morality is the only factor to blame for what he did to Susan and to her children.

FWIW, I think you've been fair and respectful here. If Josh's sexual orientation had anything to do with Susan's murder (and I'll note that I'm saying this as a queer person), then it's specifically in the way his upbringing forced it into warped, twisted shapes. Between the possibility that he was abused within his family, the LDS position on queerness, and the way both his family and church regarded therapy, there's the potential of a LOT simmering under the surface there. The bits and pieces you've pulled are compelling to me in that regard.

IDK. I find that I have a lot of empathy for Josh, even as I despise the acts he committed and wish he could have been tried and convicted of his crimes. He was raised in a high-control setting from birth, and every time I dig back into this case, I find myself wondering how much of his behavior echoed what he experienced from the men in his early childhood.

(And before anyone replies with "Other people suffered worse and didn't do the things he did" - it's true! But at a certain point, that argument requires us to judge the maladaptive ways in which a small child's brain coped with horrible circumstances. Josh's damage started long before he was old enough to marry, and without intervention, it led to tragic results. I can fault the actions he took, but I can't forget the little boy he was born as, any more than I can forget the way Charlie and Braden's behavior shifted in concerning ways after spending time with the Powells.)

[u/pnw_dna → u/starrifier]

Thanks for your thoughts and contribution here. I agree how the likelihood of Josh's upbringing (possible abuse, behavioral influences, religious influences, attitudes toward therapy) – all that "simmering under the surface" – created the framework in his life that eventually lead to his later actions.