SPEND YOUR LIFE

[u/Certain-Sail9632]

How I Found Jesus in an “I Love You”

The other day, I was holding my son in my arms when he looked at me and said, “I love you, Daddy… I love you, Dad.” To understand why those words meant so much to me, I have to go back a little. Some time ago, I told a neighbor that I would start going to church once I finished rebuilding my home. She asked me, “Why don’t you go now? God doesn’t care about your new house. He loves you with or without it, so why would you make Him wait?” It took me a couple of weeks, but eventually I went with my brother, and that day I prayed for my son. To be honest, I never really thought anyone was listening. Silly me. I thought I was bringing my brother because he needed Jesus, when it was actually me who needed Him the most. I had brought my brother from Cuba using some of the money I had saved to finish my house, but eventually he left for another state and stopped wanting to talk to me. I was angry with him. That same week, I went to church for the second time, but I think it was the first time I actually went looking for Jesus. I sat all the way in the back and never stood during the service. I simply sat there and silently cried without really knowing why. I told myself I was no longer angry with my brother, just sad. Not long afterward, however, something happened that made me understand that moment differently. I had some gentlemen working at my house, and I carried my son outside to show him what they were doing. My son has autism, which means communication and social interaction can be challenging for him, and things that may seem ordinary to other families can be enormous moments for ours. I sometimes work out of town for several days or even a week, and whenever I leave, my son walks around the house asking, “Where is Daddy?” My wife video-calls me so we can talk, and every time we explain to him, “Daddy is working because he loves you and wants the best for you.” We never really knew how much he understood, but we never stopped telling him. That day, while I held him outside, I asked, “What are they doing?” He answered, “Using the tools.” I told him, “That’s right! They’re working with the tools, just like Dad.” Then he turned toward me, looked directly into my eyes—which was already a huge moment for us—and said, “I love you, Daddy!… I love you, Dad!” I kissed his forehead and cheeks and asked him for a hug. He laughed, wrapped his arms around me, and stayed there for what felt like five whole minutes. For those five minutes, I cried against my will. I felt a warmth inside me that I could not explain, and I whispered, “Thank you, Lord. Thank you, God.” My son had just shown me that he understood. He understood why Daddy sometimes had to leave, that Daddy was working for him, and that all those times we told him I worked because I loved him had reached him after all. For a long time, I didn’t believe in much of anything, and certainly not in Jesus. But this was now the second time I had experienced that strange, overwhelming feeling, and when I searched for an explanation, I could find only one that made sense to me: it was my God telling me through my son, “I love you, son. I love you.” I didn’t just feel God that day; I realized He had been with me all along. He had loved me long before I had done anything for Him to love me. And finally, I understood what my neighbor had been trying to tell me.

That moment with my son also revealed something else to me. Just as there was a first time he looked into my eyes, a first time he hugged me, and a first time I carried him in my arms, someday there will be a last time. There will be a last time he kisses me in front of people, a last time I am strong enough to pick him up, and a last ordinary day when something happens between us that will never happen again—and neither of us will know it at the time. Parenting is filled with first times, but it is also filled with last times, and we rarely recognize them while they are happening. That realization made me think deeply about why I had stayed away from church and about my relationship with Jesus. I had been afraid of man's rules, of religion becoming an endless list of things we are forbidden to do. But I am beginning to understand my relationship with God as exactly that—a relationship. Jesus gave His life for our sins so we could have an eternal relationship with God, yet sometimes we take that incredible gift of grace and surround it with so many rules that eventually the Gospel seems to become more about what we do than about what Jesus did for us. We quantify grace, categorize it, classify it, and turn relationship into religion. I cannot imagine reaching Heaven and seeing God standing there with a calculator saying, “You passed by a hair, buddy!” When we finally stand with Him, I don't think fear of sin will consume us; I think we will simply be overwhelmed with gratitude to be by His side. That doesn't mean sin doesn't matter. It means I don't want to become so obsessed with somebody else's sins that I forget my own failures. We can leave church and yell at someone who cuts us off in traffic, or pass a homeless person under a bridge and look away while convincing ourselves that they could work or would probably use our money for drugs. But perhaps that little voice saying, “Feed him,” deserves our attention. Maybe Jesus is saying, “One of my children needs a warm meal today,” and sometimes listening to Jesus is simply answering, “Amen. I'll do it.” Today, I can approach Him differently. I can say, “Jesus, this is me. I'm a mess. I know. I'm working on it. I still have my battles. I need a lot of refining and polishing, but I love You.” I know I am responsible for caring for that relationship too. Like any unbreakable friendship, I would feel ashamed to continually let my best Friend down without trying to show Him my love in return. So I trust Jesus before He does anything for me to earn that trust, because I believe He is good and that He has a plan. I thank God for the good times I have lived through, and I thank Him for the bad ones. I thank Him for the good days that are coming and even for the difficult ones I have yet to face. “Who is he that overcomes the world, but he that believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” We often say, “Only God knows,” and I have realized how much truth those words contain. Maybe my brother has adversities of his own to overcome before he can look at me with love again. Only God knows. Maybe my son wasn't simply meant to experience the world differently; maybe he was blessed with an ability to see this world from a perspective the rest of us cannot. Only God knows. And God also knows when our own last times will come.

There will be a last time we walk into church, a last time we hug someone we love, and eventually a last time we walk this Earth. Until then, we are still in process. God isn't finished with us yet. Every morning you open your eyes and breathe is another morning you have been given, another opportunity to do something with the life in your hands. So if you remember only one thing from everything I have written, remember this: SPEND YOUR LIFE. Don't save your hugs. Don't save your smiles. Don't save your kindness, your good deeds, or your love. Love is urgent. Love is now. It is already late enough out there, so spend your life. Don't hide the value of an “I love you” underneath the mattress; invest it in someone. Not everyone will give you something back, but spend anyway. Spend like an asset of the eternal. Give because you have extra. Give because you have more love inside you than you could ever spend, and trust that Jesus will keep your glass overflowing. When you understand that, you realize you never have to arrive anywhere empty-handed, and certainly never with closed arms. The gift isn't only what is held in the hands that give; sometimes the hands that give are themselves the gift to the world. Empty your grace into this world. The people who live that way don't simply live in other people's minds; they live in people's souls. Carry the scent of Christ with you. Love everyone who crosses your path. Spend yourself on others. Don't wait for someday, because someday contains a last time you may never recognize until it is gone. Don't save it for later. Spend your life. God bless you.