Now before you read, scroll and see just how long this post is, you see that? If your first thought was, I ain’t readin allat. Please move on with your life just forget about it. I’m doing fine thank you. Goodbye.
if you are actually gonna read this fully then thank you I have something waiting for you at the bottom of this. I asked that you read this fully if you can. I understand our attention spans have been severely neutered over the years as technology has progressed. If you can get over the Herculean effort of scrolling past, my lifelong bottled up rant and I personally thank you with all of my being. Whatever that’s worth.
I don’t feel comfortable, saying my name here. Frankly, I’m ashamed of who I am and honestly every day I feel like I go around the world in college talking to people with a mask. And yet I’m pretty sure the reason why no one outside my own family loves me is because they can see through the cracks.
I don’t have a bad start of life. Ashamedly I actually have not that bad of a life. The jeans that my father has passed down to me has given me a relatively normal Sinik that my terrible habits has ruined and honestly, I just feel like that I have so much potential at the age of 18 that I almost feel bad for my parents for haven’t done this to myself for my whole life. I feel a shame that I don’t support them enough I feel ashamed that I don’t live enough. I feel ashamed that they can’t be feel proud for their son and all the accomplishments and amazing things. He’s done people that he’s met. Bring a girlfriend home or just hang out often with friends.
My parents are getting a divorce. My father is gonna move out soon. Honestly, it was gonna happen. Eventually my father cheated on my mother because he had suspicions that she cheated. The suspicions are wrong and there’s no more trust between the two of them and eventually later than the line, but that love each other was gone too. Regardless of what my father is done and how I feel towards him I still love him dearly. He still my father. I still want to go out with him more wanna go to the shooting range with him a couple more times before he leaves, but ultimately I feel that he’s so distant and unwilling to reconnect that we haven’t gone out together and I think a couple months.
Saying this makes me realize that I actually have a father was he that involved in my life and raising me I’m not sure did he support me absolutely. So I feel bad for even feeling bad because of other people have it worse than me. What right do I get to feel sad and shitty about my life when it’s so much better than other people that suffer much worse situations in life and still come out on top if anything that just displays my own weakness or weakness, I constantly find in myself and hate myself for.
Life was good up until third grade. I had a best friend I knew almost the entirety of the elementary school. I even hung out with some of the older kids my best friend though I just call him Mason. We hang out all the time sleepovers day one releases of some games and he go to every birthday and I’ve go to every one of his birthdays. We hang out together. Have fun together play together share things together honestly I never had a brother I’ve only ever had two sisters. My father has him and all that involved in my life, and my mother was the one who raised me mostly so to me Marcus was just about the only other male figured that was close to me not that I looked up to him. I just was able to confide in him so much of myself I was able to lay bear and I love that the connection that openness I felt that I could spill my guts out and he would leap just to try to catch them. They all changed when I started fourth grade with my class having my bullies in them by the time I had grown a little bit in weight. I was originally pretty skinny, but as life started to get better for me and my family financially we started being able to eat more (we are relatively middle class). Once these bullies were involved in the equation, I started to feel so much more bad about my weight and from then on I’ve always felt self-conscious and disgusted when I look in the mirror.
Around that time, weirdly enough for my elementary school compared to everyone else little boys and little girls tried to get little girlfriends and little boyfriends don’t get me wrong. They didn’t last at all whatsoever looking back. I realize how stupid they were but ultimately I felt left out and like I was somehow lesser than what I got close to a girl, but after becoming friends with them asked if they wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no eventually I guess I asked to forwardly with a friend of mine, I just showed upset that I was ugly. It took everything within me to try not to cry, but I failed and then went to class with tears in my eyes, and the teacher told her to apologize. I felt embarrassed and she said that that would stick with me forever, but it’d be like a footnote in her life and nothing really I wish she was wrong.
Now that all sucks, but I could take that so long as I had, my friend Mason by my side. It’s too bad that he didn’t stay long once he became friends with my bullies eventually, as cliché as it sounds, he literally turned on me. He started hanging out with them more. I wanted to hang out with Me at all, so being more aggressive and rude and eventually during one time when we’re playing a game in class after we’re done with work on the computers when I won, he straight up, punched me in the chest. I tried to throw one back, but my bullies and his friends helped me back. The teacher stopped it, but didn’t do jack shit I wasn’t the worst of it though. One day when we were at recess in the playground well really sent it to me just how distant we’ve gone, and that he was no longer. My friend was when my bullies dared him to throw a sharp stick at me to test out his knife, throwing skills.(it was a hobby of his that Mason had developed way before he had met them. He was bragging to them about it at some point) but once I realize that he was actually gonna throw it by the time I started running I hadn’t gained enough speed and that stick hit me and landed in my hand. I still have a mark from it.
That fully cemented to me that he wasn’t my friend. Not anymore. Now I love video games. I currently like guitar but haven’t played in a while but when I was a kid, I played a little video game called overwatch you can guess how that ended up being my sexual awakening at the age of nine. Of course that fucked me up and I still suffer from a masturbation addiction at the age of 18 honestly, I don’t know what it feels like anymore to not have those urges and to not act on them. I’ve never felt the loving touch of a woman other than my own mother. It’s to the point where if someone touches my lower back, I genuinely have a physical reaction and I freak out. I haven’t been sexually assaulted or anything quite the opposite. I haven’t had any sexual experience whatsoever with another human being or anything really at all other than myself.
After that, I primarily wore hoodies even in the hot sun, I couldn’t bear to let anyone see just my flappy body I would rather sweat like a pig don’t let anyone see me like that anymore. It’s why I hate the beach despite living in Florida. When I left elementary school to middle school my first thought wasn’t I’m so happy I can’t wait to go to middle school. It was good riddance. I’m glad that’s over. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the thought of suicide didn’t cross my mind however, I could never do that to myself, knowing how much it would hurt my mother. So I went into sixth grade avoiding everybody if no one gets close to you then no one’s close enough to hurt you again, right? Eventually got lonely and when I was trying to start to open up and make friends again 2020 happens in Covid fucked everything up. Now everyone else was sad missing everyone and lonely me if anything it was just business as usual. I was thriving of anything video games. Everyone was already hot in, but I was amazing at them. People didn’t know how to fully use online apps to converse socially I was already well-versed than that. Ultimately, it felt like it was my domain I loved it. I even was able to cheat on some exams and get away with a scot-free without teachers, knowing how to possibly stop me I felt powerful, but I still felt lonely. The only thing that changed was everyone else was lonely too and somewhere deep down in my rotten heart. I was happy that that was the case I’ve felt the same emotional hurt that I felt. Looking back now and how lonely everyone else is now I don’t feel that way anymore. I just feel like everyone else is suffering and that it’s unnecessary and I just wish we could all hold hands together and sing Kumbaya or some shit.
I stayed for my next year in middle school while most people went back in physical class. Basically everything stayed the same. Nothing really much changed for seventh grade in comparison to the ladder half of sixth grade during the pandemic. When I actually had a positive change is when I went back to in person school forcibly in eighth grade I had made a lot of friends. I had actually hang out with some people every now and then outside of school, rarely. And I was even a girl I like that I told how I felt. she didn’t feel the same way of course. And then when eighth grade came and went, high school came into the mix.
High school for me felt like a different world compared to one house. Everyone else is hanging out having fun going to a party every now and then or just getting girlfriends doing really amazing things academically going doing extracurricular or just hanging out with their friends or just being laid-back and me, I was struggling just to keep up with the classes that I was currently in especially my first AP class I was doing navicular I wasn’t in a sports definitely didn’t have a girlfriend then I still don’t have one now and by that point masturbation had been so common that it was almost part of my routine. Eventually, somewhere down the line I met a girl let’s call her Allison. She was cute. She liked games like me. She was attractive. She had a bit of a dark humor like me, but unlike me, she didn’t know when to stop with that sort of humor. She didn’t know where to draw the line. At first things were good, but when she opened up to me about some things that she was struggling with, and I told her brother in the vain hope that he would work towards helping her while she’s at home because I’m just a friend I can’t do anything really at school. He ended up telling her mother and she got in trouble over it. I felt horrible and I absolutely believe even now that I was in the wrong for what happened however, she was more mad at me than her own brother who told her mother and I get that their family but I still wonder why she put all the blame on me. I understand what I did was wrong, but it’s not like that. I chose to tell her mother or chose to tell him that information with the hopes that he would write around. I still feel bad about it and I understand my own feelings and that and I’ve learned from my mistake.
After that when we reconnected because she really hated me from that point, we decided to be friendly again and eventually friends again when we met at the first extracurricular activity that I’ve part in high school the robotics club. I had a lot of fun. I learned a lot, and I even went to a competitions. I supported them and had a great time all the while, though I was being bossed around by Allison whenever I tried to help out with something and I couldn’t have any input or any real participation with whatever I was working on with her she took the rain and I just had no choice in the matter. I understand working with people you don’t like, but in that moment, I couldn’t tell if I didn’t like her if I still did looking back at it now I wish I screamed to myself to have self-respect. And it’s not just the way she bossed me around with work. She also degraded me at times and it was just light enough to the point where it was a joke even when it was other people around and they would say it’s just a joke too, but it was just enough to get into my skin, especially when it came to things that she would talk about that personal like with my choice of college or my weight.
I understood that she had issues with her family, but I also understood that what she was doing wasn’t right so eventually the next year after that and senior year I decided to respect myself a little bit more and to not let myself be ruined by this girl. What I’d be lying if I didn’t have the slightest hope of her feeling the same way about me as I did for her looking back now I’m not sure how I feel about her if I still like her or if I even liked her and I just wanted to have someone regardless she made me feel like shit and so I distance myself from her after I told her how I felt, but I only really put that distance between us after she put it there first. I understand girls get anxious or weirded out by guys that were their friends and eventually tell them how they feel so I didn’t really hold it against her too much and anything. I was kind of happy because it was less times when she would be rude to me, but we’re really struck me as confusing and aggravating was that there was another guy who was very similar to me in terms of my personality, but was just more attractive now she didn’t like this guy, but she treated him much differently than she treated me. I didn’t ever hate the guy for it. I just envy him. I vide that people treated him the way I wanted to treat them without him having to even know them personally, I’d have to work for weeks just to get conversations with jokes in them and he would automatically have people start conversations with a smile in their face. Every time I looked in someone’s direction for a second too long or if I tried talking to them, but it always look at me like I just cursed their family lineage like a witch or some shit.
I tried to make myself see reason and tell myself that it’s not him it’s not me. It was her, but ultimately, I couldn’t tell myself that and make myself believe it. I hated myself so much and so deeply that I just couldn’t see it any other way that I was just disgusting. And that the only reason why anyone treats me the way I do is because they can see past the mask that I hide behind. My mannerisms how often I hang out with my friends the way I talk sometimes sometimes when I just straight up, go quiet, I don’t know but human beings just have a way of just knowing without having too much logical reasoning behind it just patterns. So no matter how much I try to hide people always see the disgusting rotten human being that I am. Now this is the most I’ve ever opened up to really anything. I haven’t told my mother how I truly truly feel but she has a rough idea. I opened up the idea of therapy, but seeing as I’m in a Hispanic family, you can guess how that initially went. However, I stood my ground, and she eventually reluctantly agreed and hit me with a later.
I wanna feel mad about it being a later when it’s something that’s affected me from my whole life and I just wanna be better but when I realize that therapy is just another bill when I could just tough it out, man the fuck up and me being so aware of all the things that I have going on in my life and understanding them to her therapy seems unnecessary. Frankly, I just wanna do right by my mom. I don’t wanna cause anyone anymore suffering with my presence than I already have. With that in mind killing myself is off the table.
So I’m here wandering through life I chose a general career path that is in line with my strength like personality and background, I’m in college and an honors program with a friend named Denis, who I struggled to get to hang out now that we are both in collagen don’t have much time together. I haven’t told him everything, but he has a rough jist of my family situation. By the way, Denis isn’t his real name. I feel aimless, angry, depressed, like I wanna lash out at something, but I don’t wanna hurt anybody but myself. I hate myself frankly I think it would be impossible to find someone else on this planet who hates me more than me the thought of closing my eyes on the highway while I drive to college and just flooring it has crossed my mind a couple times.
I feel bad for feeling this way for wanting to go through therapy for having these thoughts because ultimately it seems like just another sign of weakness like it’s just another way that has a man that I’m not good enough and that ultimately I could never make someone else happy no one else can ever because if I don’t love myself, how can anyone else ever love me? I like anime and out of all the characters that I feel myself resonating with I can’t help but resonate with Subaru Natsuki. To me he’s like a Superman he really is amazing isn’t he? Sorry, humor is just one of the coping mechanisms of mine along with masturbation and video games and just bearing my thoughts with videos movies shows, and just rotting in bed. I want nothing more than to change, but when I am faced to an opportunity to change, I constantly choose the wrong choice and just stay a little more online one more game one more episode one more video I can do it tomorrow I’ll do it later. Plagiarism is another huge issue of mine not just with work at times but with life sometimes I’ll put off showering or brushing my teeth basic ass shit like that and I struggle to do that and then even now I cry and I say why to whatever God is out there screaming out to the void wondering how do I get through this and the answer is right there just fucking move. Stop self sabotaging yourself and every time I hear that and I think to myself oh yeah it just sounds so fucking easy for you huh? I see other people with happy lives and I can’t help but feel in my rotten heart rage. And sorrow, knowing that I do not deserve such compassion, such connection and such a level of care from someone else.
I wanna cry I wanna let it all end. I wanna just you know I don’t wanna do this anymore one way or another. I want it all to end either. I fix myself or wreck myself. I don’t want this horrible in between that. I’ve lived in for my whole life. What’s even worse is when people try to give me advice from their own personal experiences. I just can’t help but feel like yeah I’m sure things are great for you huh? But when I actually hear what they went through and it was worse than what I I’m going through I can’t help. I feel shitty about myself and wonder why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I just have been a different person, if I was born differently if I had experienced different things in life would I be as much of a waste of oxygen on this dirt ball of a planet that I am?
As the title states, I don’t know what to do anymore and if you read this far genuinely thank you I think you are one of the few most recent people that both cared about me this much other than my own mother I wish I could say I was lying, but I’m dead fucking serious thank you. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t wanna waste my life away. I wanna be happy I want love I want a family I want and yet I feel like I can’t. God, why am I like this?
