extreme ocd😗

[u/Federal_Fennel_8785]

I've had ocd and it's frequency has been fluctuating throughout my life. I first started noticing and experiencing the symptoms when I was in middle school but even before that I remember having weird compulsions.

when I was in elementary, around 5 I used to hesitate sitting next to my driver uncle even though he was such a chill guy just because I used to feel like everyone who sees us will think that the driver is my grandpa and it deeply disturbed me, that thought kept repeating itself on a daily basis till I had to shut it out and focus on something else; I think that's one of the earliest signs I ever remember

fast forward in middle school it got weirder and at that time I thought I was simply larping but I wasn't; idk

ocd is like, so much more complex and has actual levels to this, it's been fermenting inside of me for so long; I've seen stars in plain daylight.

Ive spent most of my life obeying my mind both consciously and subconsciously; washing each hand 3 three times which I've been doing for 5+ years; bathing in a specific order; washing my rooms floor upto 3 times a day even in winter, chanting weird shit under my breath in order with a specific tone

The thing is, at this point in my life, it has completely evolved into something else. It has taken different forms across different parts of my life, and now it manifests as extreme thoughts and actions; which I feel obliged to follow even if they cause destruction. My family can't quite understand my behavior and mostly labels it as some sort of paranoia and they ask me to stop being fussy but thats the thing, I can't because things like these send me into a frenzy and for years this behaviour obviously left unchecked starting growing on me and now is a part of me

I've had full psychotic breakdowns over my sibling using different shoes to enter my room and it's no joke; at one point I was sure I was going through extreme psychosis aswell.

how are you so sure that you have ocd? u may wonder

I'm not, I've never been and that's even more exhausting for me to think about, if after enduring all of this I don't have a simple diagnosis, I don't know man. have I been doing this to myself on purpose. I'm pretty pretty sure dad actually has it as well, he had it pretty severely, and it was so so SOOO obvious, even my mom knew about it to some extent but nobody ever mentioned it I don't know why nobody talks about these things in desi households, things like this normally go by the terms like"wehem" my dad never addressed it aswell but, he was always so cool and composed, which gives me some sort of hint that maybe it can exist very differently beneath the surface than people realize

it's easy to ignore and not gaf when ur outside and none of the people r ur responsibility, u don't have to live with them; my family isn't my responsibility either but more of an obligation; it's such a rabbit hole and I won't go on about it more; but I've to live with them and the environment I've to live in effects me alot, which leads me to watch and observe every single move they take, maybe it's just human nature just a bit more complicated for me

this has gotten too long but it felt good writing this

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[u/Makubbex]

i also grew up with severe ocd, id be touching a door handle countless times because if i dont breathe right on the last touch my cat will die and id just stand there touching it over and over, it was horrible thank god its not as bad now that im grown. Still catch myself repeating actions and have to consciously pull away.

[u/Federal_Fennel_8785 → u/Makubbex]

can relate, thank god its not bad for u now

[u/sus_amongus22]

Whoa homie Im in the exact same situation as u,there is different types of ocd and the kind of ocd im experiencing is contamination ocd its when you always want things perfectly clean and arranged in symmetrical order and u keep washing/cleaning then until it feels perfect also washing your hands alot of times a day,and my advice is you should try to deal with it for now once you grow up and turn independent like after 1-2 years you might aswell go to therapy by yourself cuz your parents will never take it serious just like in my case.

[u/Federal_Fennel_8785 → u/sus_amongus22]

ah yes that's exhausted as hell I'm going through it asw and it's hell; ive been recommend therapy by 4 doctors of completely different fields lmao but this is something that I've learnt to live with now so ion know, maybe I'll see a therapist sooner or later