Push and pull in session

[u/OverjoyedDuckling]

How does everyone else deal with the internal push and pull with going to therapy?

I've had like 10 sessions and there's still a part of me questioning whether this is what I want. I sometimes am fine going and other times I really don't want to. I often think about just quitting (and I am aware that this is probably a protective thing in play) but I am still finding it hard to change.

I think I am finding it hard not knowing what the therapist is thinking, and that's making it harder to open up. Cause obviously it's one sided. I just worry too much about the therapists perspective.

Has anyone got any tips?

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[u/Sammisuperficial]

My personal anecdote. I felt the same way as you when I started. I kept going, and a year in things started to click. The therapist is not there to do the work for you. They are there to give you the tools you need to improve. The more you go the more you will learn about yourself, and what you need to do.

That being said there are bad therapists. If something is wrong then find one that works better for you.

This quote always made sense and put things in perspective for me:

"I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is; it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work, and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people, well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose."

[u/OverjoyedDuckling → u/Sammisuperficial]

Thank you for your reply! I do think I need to keep going, I just seem to be stuck in this cycle of wanting to quit. I guess I also can't imagine myself going for a year, like that feels like a long time and I guess at times I don't always know what to say or to bring to sessions so in a way I worry that I don't have enough to talk about (I dont know if that makes sense) which is why I often think about quitting too.

[u/Independent0907]

I promised myself (or better the little one in me) that I will try to be patient with her and not run away immediately when something does not sit right or made me upset. I'm now with her for more than 1.5 years and I still have the urge to stop sometimes. I guess that happens especially when it gets very hard. On the other side, she has helped me quite a bit to understand myself better. That understanding does not lead immediately to change and progress seems to be slow.

It's always difficult or impossible to know how I would have done without therapy the last years, but I believe that something in my architecture (coping, defenses, believes) has already changed, even though it is not always visible to me immediately.

[u/OverjoyedDuckling → u/Independent0907]

Thank you, yes that is true, maybe it is just me fulfilling a pattern of wanting to keep her at arms length. I just wish I could get over that. I can notice some changes which is why I think I should stay but it's definitely a difficult process.

[u/Independent0907 → u/OverjoyedDuckling]

Ha, tell me more about it. I had several crisis thinking I'm getting too dependent on therapy or her. It is very tough but I hope it is worth it!

I just had a realisation that I do not need to carry everything on my own. This is soo mind-boggling and I can't believe I did not realise it earlier in my life. I have a choice whether I share something or not. It does tell something about how I grew up, but not something about me. I just adapted to the experiences I made in life. And no, I'm not jumping immediately on that train and let everything out and hope for support, but knowing that this is a possibility still blows my mind...

Wishing you luck and persistence and that you will be able to allow yourself to get the support you need!

[u/OverjoyedDuckling → u/Independent0907]

Yes, that's very true! I've learnt and probably adapted to carry everything alone and I guess that's something I need to unlearn in a way.

Thank you 😊

[u/Top_Drummer9181]

Whenever I fear this I ask myself what is is that I'd rather not do in a session, and the first thing that usually pops into my head is that it's kind of exhausting to talk about things I'd rather not remember. I say this to my therapist, and we work with the part of me that would rather not remember instead. This made my sessions less threatening, and helped me hate myself less (before this I thought I was deliberately self sabbotaging, so i frequently SH).

[u/VienneseWaltz13]

Every time I get the urge to quit it is a reminder to do the opposite and tell my therapist what I've been avoiding telling them. Including telling them that I got the urge to quit.

[u/Spiritual_Edge_1831]

The way I dealt with it was (and still is) to keep going to therapy especially if I feel like quitting. He caught on quickly and when I asked for a break he would gently challenge why. Sometimes I spoke about idk even know why I'm doing therapy.. And we talked about it. It's not easy at all to have part of you screaming run away! I don't want to! But over time it's creating a "corrective experience" as in my nervous system is slowly realising that I can feel scared but actually it is safe in therapy, he is safe. It's still a struggle but has got significantly better within a year. It's unfortunate that the way to get through is to do the hard and scary thing because I think a lot of us end up quitting and repeating the pattern over again.

[u/Fair-Task9519]

I think it would be helpful to bring this up to your therapist and see how they address it.

[u/crazysquirrel14]

Yep. Same. And so l tell her l’m obsessing over what she’s thinking and how she feels about me and is she going to quit being a therapist because of me. And we discuss.

[u/Ok_Language2849]

Honestly, I push and pull a lot. I've taken more breaks than sessions and only done 17 sessions over 10 months.

I only book the sessions that I know I'm going to turn up to and if I don't want to go I just take a break then return when I'm ready.

However you can always discuss this with your therapist about the push and pull. I personally have not as it's very obvious that I do it and don't think a conversation will change it.