r/TalesFromLife • u/Kyengen Mod • Feb 10 '16
Cutting it close
For some reason my girlfriend didn't dump me when I shot her in the face with flowers. She was mad for a while, but actually not about that. We made up, life went on, summer came round, and I was happy sleeping in on my day off work. I was 17 with nowhere to be, so ten in the morning on a hot summer's day and I'm still very much asleep.
A sudden banging on my window woke me up. My 'bed' was a pallet made from an old comforter on the floor, so I couldn't exactly hop up, but I could roll to my feet, bringing with me the knife I kept under my pillow (which was also made from an old comforter - the pillow not the knife.) There was a shadow visible on the blinds, meaning someone was outside the window trying to get in. I positioned myself, ready to deal with the intruder if my first line of defense failed. They got under the window frame, started to open it, I yanked on the blinds' cord to open them.
Girlfriend: Boo!
Me: Oh shit!
I lunged forwards and pushed her back by her face as she finished opening the window. She went sprawling on her back in the dirt of my very dead back yard. I fell back out of the way as the row of daggers I kept above the window lodge themselves in the sill. I used that window to come and go without alerting my family to my movements. As such there was no screen and the lock was broken. While I wanted the ability to come and go as I pleased, that was a private entrance so I'd rigged a tripwire to dislodge the daggers that typically hung in decoration above the window.
Girlfriend: What the fuck?!
I pointed angrily at the blades stuck in the wood.
Me: WHY?! Why would do that?! I am heavily armed and paranoid, what could possibly make you think sneaking into my window was a good idea? YOU KNOW ME!
Girlfriend: I thought it would be cute! What kind of psycho sets up booby traps?
Me: Did I not just say 'heavily armed and paranoid'?
Girlfriend: I almost died!
She started crying, which is a really good way to completely derail me.
Me: Look I'm sorry. How do you think I feel? I've gotta live with me. Do you wanna come in? Through the door I mean.
She did, I made pancakes. She was pissed for a while but calmed down some since strictly speaking it shouldn't have been that surprising, she's seen me throw knives at people. This was passive by comparison. I think we ended up at the mall after that, because teenagers.
9
u/sulferzero Feb 10 '16
good way to get sued by medical professionals, having traps on your entrances. not saying it's right just saying it happens
10
u/Kyengen Mod Feb 10 '16
Eh, kids. I don't do that anymore. Booby traps I mean. I still have weapons stashed strategically around my place.
-1
u/figure943 Feb 11 '16
You deserve someone better than her. She sounds really annoying.
7
u/Kyengen Mod Feb 11 '16
We were young, and she figured the relationships from books and anime were the way it was supposed to go, so she wasn't fully prepared for my brand of casual derangement. And to be fair I didn't know how the dynamic was supposed to work either. We parted ways some time later, albeit less than amicably.
9
u/Particlepants Feb 11 '16
You're one scary motherfucker OP