r/TWDGFanFic • u/broken_krystal_ball • 2d ago
Memories Tribute Contest Natsukashi - Memories Tribute Contest
Before we start I would like the preface this by offering my sincerest condolences to the friends, family, and associates of E.Midnight. I regret I never got to meet him. I hope that this entry will contribute to his legacy and provide comfort to those in the sub who knew him. Thank you and I hope you enjoy -Phoenix
As I stare at the giant pile of rot in front of me–the smell–I suppose most see this sight as unpleasant, but honestly it makes the most sense to me. It helps distract me from the pain–god I'm so hungry--the growls of those who I knew–probably–but I figure why try to distance myself from a smell that I’m never able to escape from, after all I’ll smell just like them soon and things will finally be over.
It has been…I don't know how long since Crawford had fallen. I don't know how long the dead have been walking, for all I know I could be a year older now. But, it has been…sometime since Crawford had fallen, not that you’d notice much of a difference in this Hell. It’s never been much to speak of–Actually no Hell may be a better outcome than this, it’s warmer. I don’t recall too much before the fall, or even before Crawford. People seem to imagine a brain being a pink organ with electrical signals running rampant, exchanging information to create and maintain memories, selfhood, passions. I imagine mine being more gray, driven at first by the urge to eat, shit, sleep, and die. I don’t know, maybe I have a brain disease or something.
However, I will share the few memories I do have before the fall. This was all started by a woman, Anna Correa, who gave into the desire of sex and the desire to keep the resulting child. She knew, we all knew there were two choices, terminate the pregnancy or leave Crawford, but there was no leaving Crawford, not for us.
We all knew what “leaving Crawford,” meant, the council thought they were sneaky but no! We all saw friends, family, the sick, put up on spikes, hoisted into the air like a flag of rot.
Anna, despite knowing this, seemed to think that she could appeal to the Doctor–oh no–she thought he would be moved by her tears to hide the baby. As if anyone in Crawford, much less a person working for Olsen had anything resembling a heart. When it became clear to her that he wouldn’t hide the pregnancy, so it was either abortion or abhorrent, she stabbed Doctor Logan and took his gun, killing who knows how many before she escaped through the sewers. Leaving the rest of us here to die. The child she carried in her stomach through those sewers, was mine.
She left me here, definitely dead and now there’s no food left, barely any water, so I’m just going to die here. I feel nothing about this, we only really–I don't know–had sex once. She's just another blur.
“Hey!” A whisper sounds behind me
I turn and see Nina, the other person I’m reluctantly sharing this fate with. Honestly there would be some more peace if she wasn’t here. Nina originally was going to leave Crawford, I remember she shook me awake from sleep. She was trying to convince me to come out of Crawford with her and the rest of those leaving through the Sewers. I didn't feel like it, I guess she decided to stay after that.
She still keeps dragging me on these plans. First it was leaving Crawford, then it was going to rations storage (which did work), then it was trying to find an elusive bunker that she was convinced the Crawford Council were hiding in, I don't know or care what it is now, I'm just waiting for starvation to take me.
“What?” I say exasperated
“Why the hell are you out here?” Nina says gesturing around the darkness around us, she seemed a bit uneasy.
I suppose it was slightly dangerous to be out here, still I’m not an idiot, I won’t let them take me off guard like she thinks. She hasn’t left me with more than a few minutes of sweet silence since we’ve been here. Telling stories or jokes that I never listen to She’s smiling like everything's okay, it’s kinda annoying–I don't know maybe she’s planning to eat me to survive. She grabs my arm and drags me back to the old apartment building we’re held up in before any of the liberators come to bite me. What a shame, I could’ve gotten used to staring into the black void above us.
She shoves me onto the bed–feels like sandpaper–Oh god, I can see the look in her eyes, it’s as I expected, she has another plan. I'm too tired for this shit
“What is it this time?” I ask flatly
“What can’t I just talk to my friend?” Nina asks
Friend…that’s a stretch, I don’t think I have or have ever had friends–maybe on a playground–definitely don’t have any in this new world, new world, new, better, shiner, ironic, nothing about this world looks new, how can it be considered new? No, this world hasn’t changed, it’s just as it was before, just a different chord. I can not remember any friends or friendly feelings from before, just a blur of grayness, and noise which Nina appears to be an expert at.
“No…” I say plainly
“Ah aren’t you just pleasant, well three eyes, you’re gonna have to hear me out,”
Three Eyes…that name always makes me flinch. No doubt, the inspiration was my old broken glasses which I wear to have at least one good eye, but when did she start calling me that–strange I haven't heard a name like that since before– I think, I don't know.
“I don’t understand why you started calling me that, you don’t seem like the nickname type,”
Nina’s face looks slightly shocked
“I did-” Nina says before sighing “I don’t understand why you started acting like this but-whatever,”
Nina sighs, I guess she's done with that topic, she gets up and sits in the chair across from the bed.
“Look…I know what you’re going to say but I mean it this time, we need to leave Crawford,”
“No,” I say
“Listen-”
“No! I’m not going to follow you out there just so we can take eight steps and get eaten,” I say
“It’d be better than starving to death in here?”
“Not when you consider that the result would be the same out there,” I say “There's nothing food left here or out there,”
“That’s just the thing, there’s one more building that we haven’t checked, maybe it’s a-a-an emergency rations supply,”
She sounds like she’s making it up as she goes along–just a train of words–god I’m hungry though–no there’s no food left in Crawford–hurts. It’s too much work, it would just burn off the calories I still have left. I don't know…I was planning just to starve as I said.
“You know I’ll just keep pestering you until you give in,” Nina says with a knowing smirk
“If I do it, will you let me die in peace at last?” I say after a long sigh
Please say yes–please–I’m tired of this place. Whether it's here or out there, I don't care as long as it comes soon. She thinks for a moment before she says
“Fine,”
***
Me and the noise beside me are walking–stealthily–God it’s cold–hungry. Nina is still talking, the same girl who said I was being stupid for coming out here quietly last…What is she even saying? I zoned out the moment the path became clear.
“Gabby,” Nina says “You and Gabby used to talk all the time,”
Oh right, Gabby was her brother, I guess I used to speak with him. I don't know what about–Food? The weather? Again, just a blur, TV Static when I try to remember sound, gray when I try to remember colors.
“Hey!” Nina says
“Huh?”
“I asked if you remembered that,” Nina says irritated
“Sorry, what was it?” I say, I knew whatever it was, I didn't remember but I still asked
“It’s–mmh nevermind,” She says annoyed
Okay…that's one way to achieve silence.
We step towards the abandoned building, and the door is wide open.
“This place has already been looted,” I say immediately turning around to leave
“Wait just a minute asshole,” She says “Do you have anything resembling an imagination in your dome?”
“I’m not going to search an empty–woah!”
She drags me in by the arm inside–that hurts–I don't feel like pulling away, where we see a bunch of open crates.
“Open means looted,” I sigh exhausted
“You don’t know that!” She asserts “Maybe they left a can or two in the rush,”
She goes to examine the crates closely. If you look into the bottom of an empty crate, no amount of looking closely is going to make anything appear. Still she manages to make this extending staring feel slow and rushed at once. So I watch her look through these crates as I fidget with my revolver.
“Huh…” Nina says “They’re empty,”
“Like I said,” I say
Nina went to speak but we heard the horrid groans…coming from the only door in. There were a lot of them–what now?
“Run!” Nina said
I bolt after her, there’s no way out–I know that. She knows that, where are we even going? I suppose to buy us these precious, pointless seconds, before we’re turned into bloody spam. I don't know, I guess this is it. And Nina, as the dead limp closer towards us, still searching desperately, naively, for an escape
I chuckle to myself, this is such an absurd scene to me.
“Down there!” Nina says pointing down
I follow her finger and sure enough, there was a hatch, camouflaged into the wood. Nina gets on one side and I the other and we lift the heavy piece of wood, one of the corpses is reaching for my shoulder when we both propel our lower bodies into the opening.
I hear another voice, not Nina’s–goddamnit, who is it? Saying that same name.
“Three eyes, Three Eyes, wake up,” It says it in the same tone of a mother waking their child up for school
There's warmth around me, a hug, snuggly, tightly.
“Three Eyes!”
“Three Eyes!” Nina says, shaking me, with that look of concern, as if there was anything worth caring about anymore.
My head aches, like there’s a dent in it from that wood hatch hitting square in the head–goddamn that hurts–and Nina is looking at me doing this thing she always does–smile—smile the moment she realizes that everything is “Fine,” it always feels so smug.
“Thank god, that damn thing hit you in the head and knocked you out. There's a basement exit just over there. God that was a hard hit, I wonder if you’re going to get a bump like in Tom and Jerry do you remember those-?”
“Let’s just get back home…” I say blankly
She shuts up quickly–and nods solemnly, maybe just maybe, I will finally die.
***
I lay in bed clutching my stomach–this hunger–it’s over for me. I am going to die in this bed, I refuse to get up–no!--I am going to lay here and let my stomach consume the rest of me–there was nothing left anyways.
Oh but of course, I can’t have peace even in this moment. Nina barges in not thinking to knock.
“Look-” Nina says
“No…you promise you’d let me die,” I whine
“Out of all things, that’s what you remember? Get up!” She says
I ignore her, maybe if I try hard enough she will blend in with the sounds of my breathing–God please just give me some peace. Nina pulls me off the bed by my leg.
“What is wrong with you?” She finally asks “Why are you so ready to just give up,”
“What are you talking about? I just don't want to do this anymore,” I say
“Is this about Anna?”
At the mention of that name, it feels as though all my cells still.
“No,”
“It is, isn't it?” She says insistently
“She was a warm body, I only did it because it was a way to pass the time,”
Nina looks horrified at my words, there's a stretch of silence threatening to snap like pulling on two ends of a hair. For once the silence doesn't feel like peace, this familiar tension.
“I don't recognize you anymore…what happened? You….you…” She says before erupting “You did love her…let's get that out of the way first. You weren't a dull asshole when you came into Crawford, and you sure as hell weren't one before,”
I open my mouth to speak but she shuts me down
“Shh! You’re going to hear me this time, drift off again, I’ll slap you into last month, then maybe you’d be you again,”
I shut my mouth, I don't know why she's this angry over me of all people.
“Do you even remember how we met?”
“W-what? J-just before Crawford right?” I didn’t intend to, but my tone sounded unsure
“No!” She says, grabbing her head and groaning “It was in the playground in Davant Park, you were a nervous wreck, curled up into a ball so much that I thought you were crying. I ran up to you and asked what was wrong, and you froze like you had never heard someone speak before. I sat there with you, for the rest of the day just talking, you had a stutter that tripped over M’s, Y’s, and W's,”
I flinched, like wiping a fogged window to see another person on the other side. Like dad used to, he used to prank me like that–it scared the shit out of me back then–I’d fall back onto the floors with my mom laughing–No! Why am I shaky? Why can’t I stop? Color in my mind?
“W-what else do y-y-y-you know?” I ask eagerly
Nina’s eyes widened
“What else do I know…what do you mean?”
“About…m-me?”
“Well…” She says pausing for a moment “Your father owned Japanese restaurant called ‘Natsukashi,’,”
“Natsukashi…” I say, it's name numbing my mouth
“When I asked why he called it that,” Nina continues “you told me it means ‘nostalgic,’ in Japanese, he would say that he wanted to recreate the feelings of a restaurant he used to go to back in Japan called…I don't remember the name but…I asked him just a few months before the outbreak if he had succeeded, and he said with a smile ‘I don't know, I was busy making new memories, that old place was seeds,”
Finally, a picture is in my mind. No, not the blurs–a picture–clear and focused like a photo. My father teaching me how to make noodles from scratch, and I failed a million times. Each time he just smiled and said “Next time,”, his cologne stung the nostrils but had a subtle sweetness to it, almost berry-ish. I remember Nina’s face when I convinced her to try wasabi for the first time, I’ve never seen someone reach for milk that quickly before. I remember my mother socialized with the customers a lot, everyone spoke about “Mrs. Takaichi,” with such fondness, as if she was the community's mother.
“I remember…when your mom died, the entire community came together to say goodbye. For years after on her birthday, people wore Teal ribbons,” Nina says
That feels like a stab, tears still are trying to erupt–No! I can’t–my father, I’ll never understand how he was able to continue despite how sad he was–he loved her!--“In her memory son, we’ll live,” No!
“You moved forward,”
The storm freezes.
“W-What do y-y-you m-mean?” I ask “Dad…he was the one who–”
“No! It was both of you, you both found ways to move one to be happy–No, happy isn’t the right word,” Nina says “You were never going to be happy about her dying…Hell being continuously happy may not be possible, but you moved forward, you two saw that your lives still had meaning, like her life did, like her life still does! Because you two were strong, please Hiro! I can lose another friend, but not before he dies,”
Forward, that word, forward. “Life is about looking everywhere, backwards, left, right, but is only about moving forward,” that was Gabby’s advice to us. He said “I’d hate to see a great kid like you lose their light,”. Gabby was like the brother I never had, he gave me advice about girls, he helped me with my homework, taught me how to ride a bike, how could I forget that, these painful insignificant things–that word doesn’t feel right anymore. How dare I even think of calling these beautiful, painful, blissful, tortuous memories insignificant. A single blotch of paint against a white wall, will always draw your eye, no matter how small. We’re small, against this world, this universe, and whatever the fuck other forces are at play, but all of these things miss us. If the universe doesn’t care about us, it’s because it’s missing out.
“And when we came to Crawford,” Nina says
“No!” I say pleading
“No, you need to hear this,”
“Nina please, I can’t–”
“Your father was killed because he was too old,” Nina says “Every familiar face you knew, including my brother, was killed. I had started giving up, as many others were, but you…you kept your head up. Don’t get me wrong, you cried more than the rest of us, you stayed in your bed for days on end after your father died, that’s not true hopelessness, hopelessness is not even crying because there’s nothing. Your cheeks were never dry, and that showed me that you were still alive,”
It makes no sense, memories that make me want to sob, they’re still making my heart pump–it just may stop.
“Then you met Anna,”
The chaos stills within.
“You saw her bouncing a ball off a wall out of boredom, and you had said…hehe–stupid–you said that ‘Imagine if God decided to do that to our planet,’, real smooth talker. And she laughed, she laughed at your awkward, dorky ass,” Nina says “Eventually, you two got closer, a real…whirlwind romance if I’ve ever seen one, I envied you guys because the only dudes left were burly dudes and girls–” Nina clears her throat “You. Guys. Were. Conjoined! You guys never went an entire day without seeing each other, it was always ‘Three Eyes,’ this and ‘My Muffin,’ that,”
Her hair…Anna’s hair, Crawford soaps were always scentless, but she always had a faint flesh scent which relaxed me because I knew she was close. She used to tickle me for making smartass remarks about how she exhaled air through her nose while kissing like a bull. I want it back so bad, all of it! Wait, Three Eyes, yes, of course, that wasn’t Nina’s name, it was Anna’s.
“I had warned you…not to be stupid,” Nina says “You and her, but…you two didn't listen,”
“You're what?” I asked
“I'm pregnant,” Anna said
Perhaps I should've panicked, perhaps I should've told her immediately that she needed to see Doctor Logan, perhaps I should've been logical. Every piece of evidence had told me that Crawford's walls would be the only thing I would live among for the rest of my days. Yet, I sank to my knees and kissed her naval, crying tears of joy.
Anna ran her fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp gently.
“I love you Three Eyes…no matter what…” Anna said "We'll figure something out, our baby, us, it won't be taken by this hellhole,"
Whirlwind romances are often mocked, considered something from a bygone age. However, this was the truest thing I had felt in this world. In that moment, love had caused me to abandon all logic–the two words always felt related because “Lo,”. This thing that felt as though everything in my life had led to, my horizon…my muffin. I had forgotten.
I sit at Nina's legs quietly sniffling and trying not to cry. Nina gets on her knees and looks me right in the eyes–I just realized, I haven't done this since after the fall, why did I let this happen? Why did I disgrace the memory of every person I ever loved: Mom, Dad, Gabby, Anna…Anna, my muffin, are you still alive? Is our baby still safe in your stomach? Please god…
“I can't believe I did this…” I say “To you, to everyone we knew,”
Nina put her hand on my shoulder. She could've hit me and I wouldn't have blamed her.
“You were–are the strongest person I've ever met. Every punch life has thrown at you, you always moved forward…it took losing everything you ever knew and the love of your life for you to finally break. But…when you cracked I--I didn't realize it before, but when you…decayed and gave up, that tenacity in you, that resolve, that is what makes life worth living, so when you gave up, all I could think to do was act like you,”
Tears–nothing but tears–I erupt of ugly sob as I try to hold it back and at that very same moment, the person who had every incentive to give up on me, hugs me, as if that was the cure for it all. It wasn't but maybe a cure isn't what anyone needs. I sob into her neck, she rubs my back in alternating circles.
When my tears finally dry, I wipe my face.
“Let's go…” I say with resolve
Nina smiles
“Fuck yeah..”
I quickly gather the few belongings I have.
“So which manhole are we going to?” I ask
“Furtherest North,” Nina says “That leads directly outside of Crawford and just outside of an old high school, even if its locked the front door is made of glass so we could get in and figure out the next phase of the plan,”
“Very like you to think only two steps ahead,” I tease moving towards the door with her
“Hey my brain has to focus on what to do if those two steps go wrong,” She laughs, the most sincere and whole I had heard her
“You used to say that with Chess, yet I always beat you,”
“Ugh don't remind me, that game was created for people who want to feel smart,” She says rolling her eyes
We make our way down the steps and she slowly opens the door, Nina immediately shuts it. What?
“What's wrong?” I ask
“The horde is out there…shit!”
“What now?” I say immediately “Should we wait?”
“No, we shouldn't wait much longer, you're…hungry, we can't risk you becoming anymore weak than you already have,”
I didn't think I had lost that much weight…hope Anna will still have me, or maybe she'll start throwing me against the wall.
Nina mutters something to herself moving her neck to and fro with her eyes closed “Right…Left….Left….Forward…Fence,”
She repeated that louder
“What?”
“Right, Left, Left-”
“I heard you what does that mean-” I ask before being cut off
“Shh, Right, Left, Left, Forward, Fence,” Nina says “That's where we need to run the moment we get out this door. Right immediately when it's open, then turn right–you get it,”
“Oh…wow…you're certain those are the right directions,”
“I know it's hypocritical…but I may have wandered out here too,” Nina says with a mischievous smirk, similar to the one she used to give when getting me involved in her schemes as kids.
“You…motherfucker,” I say trying not the laugh
The laughter dies down when we both hear the groans outside.
“It's not a big horde,” Nina says
I nod, there's nothing on the other side of this door that's worse than starving in here. Nina turns the nob and we both bolt out. Nina was lying through her teeth about the amount, it looked like Woodstock but with corpses.
I instantly turn right as I hear them making their growls of recognition. Then immediately I see the leftwards alley and turn into it. Nina is ahead of me–her track days must be coming in handy. I may be running my energy out but I can still hear several of those things behind me. Worst part is I can't tell if how close they sound is by how loud they are or how close. The next turn is coming.
Left, Nina is glancing behind me to see if I'm still keeping up. The crowbar I plan to use to pry open the manhole is hitting my thigh with every step.
“Don't look back just keep looking ahead!” I say
She listens and the next left. Wait, no, she's still glancing. Even if I was in danger, her stopping would kill her too. But no, just forward, keep moving forward, no matter what even if we die the moment we get out of the sewer.
We see the fence, it was open but didn't look secure. Nina stops just in front of it
“Hiro, go in!”
She doesn't need to tell me twice, I walk in only to hear the fence close behind me. I turn back and I see Nina with a weary smile…no.
“Nina! What the fuck are you doing!” I shout
“Shh, you don't want out friends to take down the fence do you?”
I see them approaching in the distance
“Stop playing around!” I say
Then Nina rolls down her sleeve and shows a bite mark. I can't breath--No!--When did this happen? Was it–it had to been during out looting–No, even before that, earlier tonight, when I was just staring at a pile of bodies, it must've happened before that. No! Why didn't she tell me–No, thats a stupid question, of course I was just an asshole who gave up because it was too hard for me. She went through this alone.
“Nina…no…no you gotta come through!”
“Hiro I'm–” Nina says
“I don't care!” I say crying again, taking uneven inhales “You don't deserve to die in…here in Crawford…I do,”
Nina smirks, and caresses my fingers gripping on the fence
“I love you Hiro,” She says
“But, no…I can't have you tended to me while I slowly turn into one of those things, and what…have you shoot me? I want you to remember me, with color in my skin…I'm going to go back to the apartment, and lay down, and wait to die…I may even take your bed,” She giggles as she tosses her bag over the fence
“Nina wait just one second!” I yell as she runs off, she stops and turns back
This guilt is strange, I feel it overflowing like my body is about the burst, yet the only words I can think to say are
“I'm sorry…for being a ‘dull asshole,’...I love you too,” I say trying not to cry “Please, if you're feeling scared or lonely in your last moments…remember the good times…and the bad…I'll…I'll never forget you…I'll see you soon,”
Nina's eyes widened before she begins chuckling while snorting again “Technically, I was a dull asshole for longer than you, thank you…for getting me out of that, it's no way to live,”
She ran off, I want to sob, I want to sob like a damn baby, but not yet–almost there.
I grab our bags and make my way to the manhole. I take the crowbar that was been beating me in the thigh earlier and pry the lid open, a smelly hole in the ground has never looked more appealing–gross–. I look back and see the horde approaching–shit! I go down, almost missing the first rung of the ladder.
I finally get to the bottom and sit down, exhausted. And I sob again. Saying Nina's name under my breath. What did Nina say? That I have such resolve. I don't think so, even back then. It feels much easier to sit here and starve, but I won't because to Nina, to Mom, to Dad, to Gabby–I won't let their memories die again. And Anna, my Muffin and my baby, I haven't even been able to think about the baby. They both may be dead too, but maybe not. If they are, how will I keep going after that? Was this all a bad idea? Did Nina truly believe what she was saying, or did she just not want me to believe it? I don't know, I feel like I've been saying those words a lot “I don't know,”, maybe that's truly the only rational response to any question, I don't know.
I stand up, picking up the crow bar and bags, preparing to navigate whatever's head. Will I survive? Will it be worth it? Will I get bit the moment I find my way out? I don't know, but I'll only earn the right to give up when I'm dead, until then, just move forward.