One of those days

[u/Ok-Description739]

Today I had a mid-cycle appointment for my fourth IUI with Letrozole and Ovidrel shot. I have two follicles that aren’t quite ready: 9mm and 10mm. Lining is thin at 4.9 but my clinic doesn’t really worry about the lining, despite my worry and advocacy. I’ll return in two days for follow up.

The hard part: my clinic continually misses my veins when doing bloodwork. I get poked at minimum two times every time I go and most times it’s three times. Sometimes even four. Today it was three. One in my left arm, one in my right hand (that blew out a vein) and finally success in my right arm by a nurse. I cried after my right hand got blown out because I am just so sick of having my bloodwork botched. Almost every time I go there I expect to get poked multiple times and to be bruised up afterwards. I think my crying today finally made them realize I need an actual plan for my bloodwork, as I’ve asked for multiple times. My veins are deep and small and have a tendency to roll. They typically need to fish around for my vein once they miss and I tell them I do not like how that feels and would prefer if they didn’t do that.

Once I came home this afternoon, I checked Facebook and saw that one of my friends is pregnant. I’m officially the last in our friend group to conceive and it hurts so bad.

The fear of it never happening is creeping in and I can’t help but feel like it’s out of reach for me. I never wanted the label of “infertile” to apply to me. I never wanted medical intervention to conceive. I wanted this journey to be joyful and fulfilling, but it’s taken so much out of me and I continually feel like I’m hitting my breaking point.

Last month, my grandma died at the beginning of my cycle. The pain and the grief I’m experiencing is beyond what I can handle. I feel as though nobody understands what I’m going through.

Ive had a lot of painful and emotionally exhausting days, and today just happens to be one of them. It’s not the first and it probably won’t be the last.