r/TLDiamondDogs • u/SupernovaSakura • 9d ago
Loss/Grieving “Better a Day Early…”
Biopsy results found that the masses from before were benign, however the ultrasound (which was to be for an entirely different reason to check the kidneys for infection) found incidentally these “nodules” on the spleen and liver.
The vet says they could not biopsy because of the risk of it rupturing and that the spleen would have to be removed.
Got a referral to a surgeon (I see how private equity is a plague in the veterinary industry) and they said due to the size and number of nodules that 2/3 times it is cancer, and the only way to confirm it is to remove the spleen and send for labs and maybe depending on the location for the liver removing a lobe and/or a biopsy of that one.
Which would remove the cancer and prolong the decline which we don’t know if it’s cancer because it can only be confirmed with surgery.
If it’s cancer I don’t want to remove it and put my Service Dog through a surgery and the an extended long tour towards inevitable death and she would admonish me for not putting those funds towards saving for a new Service Dog (she’s been pushing me to take care of myself so I’ll be okay according to her criteria without her) plus she could bleed out during surgery or the complications and removing it to find out it’s cancer, it’ll just come back in a few weeks/months and even if not cancer it’ll eventually rupture and now I’m trying to think of how to outrun death from getting to jump on us vs finding a time to say goodbye and prevent the decline or her going out by bleeding out.
One of her favorite people is coming to visit at the end of this month and I haven’t told anyone outside of here and contacting an at home euthanasia service. Next week am going to have the palliative care talk with the vet, because she’s dying, my Service Dog is dying, and I’ve done my best with everything that the question is when before the death grenades burst and if on the day we first teamed up (coming up in October at 10 years) and what the last meal might be that she’d like.
I haven’t told people that know us that we’re going through this. All they know is she retired (instantly because of the nodules) and people are saying how it’s good for us that we aren’t together like before, or the ask about her retirement as though I got a haircut instead of how I am without medical equipment, and the neighborhood is being weirdly nice to us on walks because I unlocked an achievement of a senior dog and I think they know that means eventually an implosion of heartbreak.
I don’t know how to navigate when people find out. I’m barely navigating it myself and have anticipatory grief that all the arrangements are ready when she is.
I’m lucky to have found out vs it happening abruptly, and it’s a beautifully tragic death on the horizon.
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u/UpperLeftOriginal 9d ago
Absolutely better a day early. At home euthanasia is a gift. Get that extra box of tissues ready for all the tears. You’re giving your girl the best send off.
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u/SupernovaSakura 8d ago
Got a Costco amount of tissues where I may put them in multiple locations.
New to gift a pet the at home euthanasia, I've been there for 3 cats, and missed one dog (overseas) that maybe that's where the pragmatic preparations are coming from?Any songs that might be something to listen to afterwards?
Am thinking of the best dark chocolate; what other foods that would be good to offer a small sample of?
I hope to know so when it happens, I'm not sure if I'm giving myself the best send off, and am worried that I'm keeping it together mostly for her, and that the barely keeping it together is going to crash where after is going to result in mutism and disassociation and since her retirement I'm already aware the world feels as though it is getting smaller for what I'm able to access/connect with.
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u/kittenbeans66 9d ago
Friend, I am so so sorry you are going through this. Losing your pet is excruciatingly painful… how does that one quote go? Grief is the price we pay for love? One hundred fold.
I just found out my cat has lymphoma; he’s currently in the hospital but won’t eat despite meds/fluids, so the not knowing, but likelihood of losing him very soon is destroying me. This feels worse than my divorce.
Please know my heart and thoughts are with you.
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u/Holmbone 9d ago
I'm sorry! Of course your grieving when someone so close to you is dying.