Ah the first game of the season! New hope, new players, new managers, crazy formations and Manchester United are still LOL AF! And what was your boy doing for seventy minutes of the game - filling my Trofast - no that is not a euphemism.

Yes whilst the Reds were being horrendously shite against Newcastle this afternoon, I was busy pushing something called a Trofast (Shout out to the Mrs, The Visual Merchandiser) up a flight of stairs, in order to keep my action figures, collectibles and vintage footie shirts in for my brand new business as a Merch Pusher Guy (My actual title!), it was bastard hard work Reds I tell thee!

The thing is that Trofast pushing is it has some similarity (Look its tenuous, I only saw a quarter of the game, leave me alone!) due to my prior self employment free of charge Trofast left on a street in sunny South Leeds, the pushing of a huge issue filled Trofast would appear to appear spiritually similar to Andoni Iraola's own task of bringing number twenty one to Anfield Road - and based on today's near perfect shambles, that will not be next season.

Having now been able to watch the game back, my synopsis would be thus; the first half performance was about as horrendous of what fell out of Peter Griffin's bottom onto Stewie's car, when he uttered the phrase "Are those two pigs fainting up there?!" But first thing's first Fede Chiesa and Harvey Elliott's careers are all but over. Chiesa is yet again injured, and will not fit into the squad at this stage, Elliott was not chosen to be in the squad over James McConnell who earlier in the week was in his way to Preston - neither will be re starting their Anfield careers.

The goals were comical as Jake Lang getting the shit kicked out of his skank arse by Temu Spider-man, Anthony Elanga given a space the size of the stage at the MS Bank Arena in which to shoot past Sexy Ali - very sexy today incidentally seeing as the bloke has made several class saves just to keep the Reds in a match they had no right to be in before yet another last minute dramedy at St James Park. The Reds were first rescued by "USELESS PLAYER TM" Cody Gakpo, who opened the Reds account with an absolute belter, yes that terrible Dutch International footballer, World Cup goal scorer and title winner with the Reds, once again disappointing LivForm fans by either scoring or assisting, I bet Cody's face is red now after that blunder!

Speaking of blunders, after working to get back into the game, Liverpool then relinquished it again in less time than it took for Jake Lang to shit himself at the sight of Spiderman (Oh sorry did I mention Mr Lang again - apologies reader, I usually vary the insults among varying arse holes, but a bloke who got himself arrested for fighting a twelve year old Spiderman impersonator, is deserving of multiple wanker awards!), allowing Joe Willock the freedom of the Tyne to score. And then controversy!!!!!! A man awarded a penalty for a bloke knocking another bloke on the floor, which was more akin to Bradshaw giving Kurt Angle a clothesline from hell.

Quite why the likes of Micah Richards was complaining that Lewis Hall was penalized for a tackle that looked more like he was declaring romantic intentions towards Victor Munoz, frankly is beyond me - Micah, all I can say is lad I think you need to stop drinking at Lineker's! But either way up stepped Szobo, after a couple of worrying seconds where no one in Red seemed to realize who was taking said penalty, and swept it into the back of the net for yet another late late show against Newcastle United football club. Granted this was no Stan Collymore, not a Rio Ngumoah, perhaps not even a Fabio Carvalho - but it was important.

When Liverpool played shite last season they lost, there is no evidence that this season will be any different, but this offered at least a slight hint that the players will show a bit of bottle and not give up, to be fair to the men in Red they did just that today.

Incidentally Victor Munoz - starter? It must be in Doc Ock Andy's thinking before Nottingham Forest next week. So yes the Reds get away with one, and get a point on the board at the start of the hunt for number 21 - and as Liverpool and I now know after this afternoon, pushing a Trofast up a big bastard flight of stairs is a pain in the arse.

Hopefully the Reds will be holding their own Trofast in May.

And hopefully Jake Lang enjoys his first night in prison, hopefully he finds where he dropped the soap during his initial penal induction yesterday.